A
female
age
30-35,
*nimallover881
writes:I am in my last year in college and living with 3 other students. One is a great roommate, the other is a friend from high school and her friend. The only one I have any trouble with is my friend from high school.In high school, we were very close. She was the life of the party and very outgoing. I enjoyed being around her and envied her confidence; I often felt like her shadow or just sidekick. She ditched me several times for new friendships, but always ended up coming back to me. We were very close until we came to college. Early in college, I was very homesick and had a hard time adjusting. She would spend time with me until she starting making some new friends and ditched me again. As I felt her drift away, I tried to make plans and still keep the friendship going. It seemed that she was always too busy for me, but would turn around and hang out with any new person after turning me down. However, when things got rough for her, I was always there and offered emotional support whenever she needed it because at least then she was talking to me and spending time with me. I tried to bond with her new friends since that was the only way to see her, but she constantly excluded me and told me she wanted to keep the groups separate because these were her new friendships to cultivate.However, I soon got very sick of "chasing" her. I set out to make my own friends (something I needed to do anyway)and was extremely fortunate to have become very close to several other girls. Since at the time I did not live with her and she didn't know my friends, I rarely saw my high school friend. I would still contact her if I knew she had an event or test happening, but our discourse was limited. By the end of that school year, we had patched things up and she apologized for "taking me for granted" and said she could never find another friend as loyal. She also told me she was afraid she would someday be punished for not being as good a friend to me as I had been to her. Although this unsettled me, I found myself agreeing to live with her and a few others, as we all needed a place to live for the following year. The first year living together was fine, aside from her being extremely messy. However, this year has been a nightmare. We have very different living styles and she is unopen to compromise. She refuses to throw away old food even when it is moldy yet does not help to clean. I can't even describe the horrors I have seen in our kitchen. But there is an emotional aspect as well. She does not remember my important dates in life and does not ask about my life. This has been the hardest year of school for me, yet my excuse of being "stressed" does not count for her. Ever since she recognized I had backed off, she gave me a hard time so I have been begrudgingly including her so I can avoid drama. However, she STILL turns me down. Any plans we make have to be on her terms because she doesn't have a car and verbatim told me she gets upset if things don't go according to her plan. These days, she only has 1 close friend and has informed me I must include her in events with MY friends because it's our last year and doing stuff separately is childish. She contacts my friends behind my back and tries to make plans if they don't work out with her "first choice" of people. I will admit I can be passive-aggressive, but I am only preserving this friendship for domestic peace. I think I eventually got fed up of her being so self-centered (and none of my other friends are like that). Moving out is not an option, so I'd like advice from anyone about this situation. I realize it may sound childish, but how do you think I could handle this best? Anyone ever got stuck with a self-centered friend?
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female
reader, animallover881 +, writes (5 November 2013):
animallover881 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! I signed a full year lease and cannot get out of it, so I think I will just try to hang in there. I think she made up with me because she was worried when she was losing all of her other friends. You're right- if an event wasn't important to her, why would she remember it? I agree and appreciate everything you said. Thanks for the help :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (31 October 2013):
 Yikes!
Well my first question is how much longer do you have to live together?
If it's more then 7-8 months I might be looking to room elsewhere. But you said you didn't want to move out.
I would also be honest with her. Tell how how it felt when she pulled the : "THESE ARE MY friends to "cultivate" (what a load of bull!) but that YOU respected that LAST year so THIS year, she needs to respect YOU and YOUR friends. Though I'm not so sure she would handle hearing that very well.
If you don't WANT to include her, then don't. If she gets mad later just tell her you figured she had other plans. She can't dictate your life.
Relax, enjoy the friends you have and doing things YOU want to do, there is NO RULES that says you HAVE to include her every time. If you are smart you will start inviting her to things you know she rather not do. That way you are still inviting, but SHE declines. Yes, it's sneaky but sometimes you got to be a little sneaky.
If your friends don't mind her calling them and hanging out then don't sweat it. It makes you seem a little jealous or that you think she might "steal" your friends. Honey, you can (neither can she) "steal" a person. They might enjoy her company (like you used to) because they don't know her that well, so all they see is a fun-loving girl who happens to be a friend of a friend. IF they DO mind, well then it's on THEM to tell her no.
As for her forgetting important things and dates when it comes to you, well I guess she was really always like that you just didn't notice? She is a very self absorbed and self centered person (most likely that is why she is the one with 1 friend now) If something doesn't pertain to her, it can't be important, right?
So what you do, is you shrug it off. When you are done with college there is no reason you HAVE to stay friends with her, I would just let it run it's course. As in, not contact her and decline met-ups and invitation. She will get the picture.
Do you think she only "made" up with you so you would agree to be a room-mate? Because that is kind how it seems.
I think she is the kind who makes friend easily, but keeping them... she isn't good at.
I understand you try and keep the domestic peace, but letting her walk all over you isn't the way to do it.
Look at her as a room-mate, not a friend. Be nice, be polite, but don't let her boss you around.
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