A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:At first, my friend of 10 years needed help. I gave it to her. The more I gave her the more she expected. Soon she was leeching on, and did not want me to give support to anyone else and monopolized the conversation when others asked me questions and tried to get to know me. She was jealous of my friendships and relationships with men, for fear it would take attention away from her. I will support anyone in crisis but I feel she is manipulating me with her moods and the attention she wants from me. Around her, I feel drained and used and can't wait to get away from her. She leeches on and talks for hours. She comes around when she knows I am at my busiest and when I have deadlines to meet. I don't want to be nasty. My family thinks she is lovely and a good friend. But around them she acts that way. It is driving me crazy. I have tried to stop being friends with her but she won't let me and then acts all nice again when I try to withdraw. I know this is long but I am agitated with her. I feel like this is a one way friendship with me doing all of the giving. She has problems of her own, including anxiety and she's lost a lot of weight, so maybe she can't be there for me. But why does she expect me to be there for her all of the time?
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female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (2 November 2009):
 Since you've been friends for 10 years and this sounds like a fairly recent thing I'm going to say it sounds a lot like anxiety. People with anxiety fear a loss of control and so they cling to it desperately wherever they find it.
One way to encourage her to be more independent is try asking her for favours for a while. Don't place high hopes in receiving them just now, but don't let her know that. The point of the excercise is the get her thinking outside herself.
Next, when she comes to you with the same problem she's been having, use the Socratic Method. That is ask her questions like 'What do You think you should do?' 'What would that give you?' 'What do you think your first step should be?' 'If you had what you wanted (in life/this situation), what would it be?'. She probably won't come up with anything useful in the beginning, but asking her questions will encourage her to THINK of a SOLUTION instead of feel bad about the problem.
Establish boundaries for yourself. Allowing yourself to be sucked into her vortex isn't the solution. Be matter of fact with her. If you're busy, say so and tell her you'll talk to her later. Chances are if you're doing the above, she'll be less inclined to monopolize your time. She's hardly going to squeeze every minute you have if all she gets out of it is requests for favours and questions that compel her to think for herself.
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