A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really conflicted over a situation I'm in. I regard myself as someone who's genuine and has a good moral compass. Recently I met someone in a professional sense that I developed a crush on over time. This chap is married with children. I respect the fact that he has a family so have kept my crush to myself and kept my distance but I do need to work with him. I have been confiding in my best friend about my secret crush. Recently this chap and my friend have met, also professionally. My friend clearly knows my feelings towards him yet she has admitted to openly flirting with him and always gushes whenever she has contact with him. I think she is trying to make me feel jealous as she always tells me when they have contact and tries to make out he is attracted to her. She senses I wish to confront her about this but lately she has been avoiding me. I feel betrayed that she thinks its ok to encroach on my emotional territory and flaunt it. Am I right in feeling this way? And what should I do about my friend? I feel that if she is willing to act so obviously two faced towards me I cant help but wonder what else she has done behind my back. Please help!!
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best friend, crush, flirt, jealous Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (30 August 2011):
This is an interesting question. Your main question based on your follow up, is regarding your friend's behaviour towards you.
Normally I would say that if you liked a guy and told your friend you liked him, her current behaviour would be competative, insensitive, and agressive. The main problem is that she isn't communicating with you.
What is the correct behaviour around two friends wanting to chase the same guy? It is uncool to chase a guy that your friend is interested in, but if she genuinely liked him too it would ok for her to pursue him, as long as she respects your friendship and talks to you about pursuing him as well as you pursuing him. These can be hard conversations to have, but they are valid. I don't like that kind of behaviour in some cases, as it often comes out of a desire to be competative and win rather than two friends genuinely liking the guy, but it is not for anyone to tell anyone else not to act on their feelings, especially if a guy is available and hasn't made a choice. It is out of line for a friend to pursue a guy that her friend is already dating, in my opinion.
This instance is interesting because the guy in question is unavailable and neither of you have any relationship with him, and he is married, so neither of you can. You only have a fantasy relationshp with him that you foster through your professional relationship. However, you are angry with your friend because she is fostering her own fantasy relationship through her own professional relationship, and telling you about it. Another way of saying it is you have a professional relationship, but like flirting with him to feed your fantasy, and are angry that her flirting might detract from your own flirting and fantasy, and that she is telling you that she is doing it despite your feelings.
In this case, there is nothing wrong with her flirting vs your flirting, they are both equally fantasy or futile at best, or at worst, inappropriate. However, your anger comes from your friend doing this knowing how you feel about him, and you wondering what she might do in a future case regarding a single and available guy that you like. She is being unecessarily competative and insensitive here, and she is doing something that is affecting how you feel about her in your friendship, about whether you can trust her not to be unecessarily competative and insensitive in the future.
You should talk to her about this, it will affect your friendship more than you realise if you do not. It might be helpful to tell her that you have not been comfortable about her behaviour towards this guy, not so much because you might be losing out on him, because he is not available, but it makes you wonder what will happen when you meet someone you do like. Having this converstaion will let you know better where you stand with her.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 ok well maybe as he is married and your friend and you have strong morals, she KNOWS that nothing will happen between you and him so she feels no problem in having a little flirt with him. if he was a single guy who you may have a chance of having a relationship with, then i would hope that she would not 'tread on your toes' in that situation
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): I think it's sad that both of you are spending this kind of mental energy on a married man. It's like both of you are in competition over who gets to be his piece on the side first. Let your friend have him and you go find a single man to flirt with and analyse. You'll win on all levels and won't care anymore about someone who isn't yours to begin with.
You both are operating outside moral appropriateness so all rules and bets are off. You and your friend are both acting out together is what it amounts to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Hi There, Thanks for your answer, you are absolutely right about the fact that this crush is a total waste of time and energy. However I am more pertubed by my friend's behaviour and total lack of regard for my feelings rather than the crush. We have known each other for almost a lifetime and she has usually been respectful and open to me rather than covert or flirty. Usually she would be open enough to give an honest answer, and tell me this is a waste of time, which initially she indicated. Regardless of the crush, I find her behaviour offensive because she is acting rather secretively about it and trying to conjure up ways to meet this chap outside work hours, then has the audacity to tell me this. I want to confront her but she has been avoiding me for some time now so I am hurt and totally confused about her motives. I thought she had a strong moral compass like myself as she has openly disapproved of cheaters.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (29 August 2011):
It seems to me like she is only doing it to get a reaction out of you. Presumably she also knows he is married. If she is trying to make you jealous then it seems she has succeeded. However, considering that you have a good moral compass as you say, then I am not sure why it is bothering you so much. As you know this man is attached you also know your crush cannot go any further than where is presently stands. Perhaps your friend doesn't care about the fact that this man has a wife, well,if that is the case then I think she is trying cause trouble. You are best to stay well away from that sort of thing, as you are doing. I would just ignore what she says and does with regards to this guy as to be honest, it doesn't really have anything to do with you. Moreover, if she is looking for a reaction from you then you are playing right into her hands.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 August 2011):
why get jealous? the guy is married anyway so does it matter what him and your friend do? i think your 'friend' is sticking it to you a bit though if her flirting with him is done in a gloating sort of way, or maybe she is trying to prove to you that he cannot be trusted coz she doesn't want you getting involved with a married man.
either way, i would forget about him. this crush is a waste of time and your emotional energy. whether your friend is a good friend or not remains to be seen. what is she like with other aspects? does she often flirt with guys that she knows you like?
x
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