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My friend created a fake profile to trap my long distance B/f, when she realized he too had a dating profile. I'm upset at both of them. What do I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Long distance, Online dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 November 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 28 November 2011)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need some advice on a situation with my friend and my Long Distance boyfriend. My friend created an account on a site to meet friends that she found my long distance boyfriend had an account on. She didn't tell me or ask me before doing this, so I had no idea.

Anyway, she created a fake profile and started chatting to him and flirting with him, and mentioned that she wanted to travel to our country (him thinking she was from his country). He was flirting back and said to her that my country is way too far away and he doesn't think he could handle the flight. He has never told me anything like that, and because she showed me the conversation I know it's true.

I am really confused as to what to do. I am upset that my friend did this at all, because it is wrong and she shoudn't have done it, even if she was trying to protect me. I am also upset at him, because he should have told me that when we have talked about visiting each other. I don't know what to do or how to feel about this whole situation. I am feeling stupid and used, what should I do. Thanks in advance.

View related questions: flirt, long distance

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A female reader, confusedfemale92 United States +, writes (28 November 2011):

I think this man is obviously not all for you if he is using a dating web site. But as for still talking to him and being friendly I think is okay but just dont be exclusive with him if he isnt going to do the same for you. As for your girlfriend... I really think she was just trying to protect you because long distance relationships can get sketchy and its often hard for men to stay faithful in long distance relationships.. women as well really. She probably just really wanted to make sure you werent putting your all into a guy that wasnt doing the same with you, she was probably so upset to see his profile on the websit but didnt think you would go through with setting up a fake profile... You should talk to her and tell her that from now on not to get involved in your personal life unless you say other wise if thats how you feel... But if you and this girl were close I dont think you should end things with her. Unless she wasnt so close and you think she just did it to shove it in your face and say haha. but if you genuinly think she didnt mean to hurt you I think you should just let it go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou to everyone who answered I appreciate it.

so very confused I have known him for over 5 years and yes we have met in real life on a number of occasions.

Perhaps not, it's not that she showed me something I dodn't like seeing, she could have just showed me he had a profile on there and let me deal with him, instead she decided that she knew better and went out of her way to be deceitful and create a situation where it broke my trust of her. I don't trust him now, but do not have the luxury of cutting all contact with him, because I am pregnant with his child, and whether I like it or not, my child has the right to know it's father. If it wasn't for the baby, I would just get rid of both my friend and this man, but since I can;t, I at least should give him the chance of being honest. I'm sorry I didn't explain that in my original post, it had only just happened and I was still in shock over it all. Thankyou so much for caring enough to take the time to give me your advice, I appreciate it.

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (24 November 2011):

PerhapsNot agony auntI think it's interesting that you have chosen to no longer be friends with your girlfriend AND have somehow managed to blame the whole thing on her.

Here are some facts:

1. Your long distance boyfriend has a dating profile account even though he is with you

2. He uses the account to flirt and meet other women

Your friend has nothing to do with either one of these things - that's on him. She gave you a copy of the flirtatious conversation because she felt you should know what kind of a man you're dealing with. How was that dishonest? Is HE showing you any conversations he is having, or even telling you he is flirting online with women on his DATING PROFILE? Of course not. You didn't like what you saw and now you're foolishly blaming it all on your friend.

If my man had a dating profile set up and was flirting with women and my friend showed me the proof, I wouldn't be angry with her. Hell, I'd thank her for letting me know! Clearly you're not ready to accept the truth and break contact with your boyfriend.

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A female reader, ShiShisAdvice United States +, writes (23 November 2011):

ShiShisAdvice agony auntChange boyfriends and change your friend. Both do not truly care about you. She WILL do it again when she spots something else you have and she wants. And he is on a dating site, so he is not serious about you.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntNot a good morning for me and the keyboard...

anyway... bottom line these are the things you need to make an LDR work..

TRUST

HONESTY

COMMUNICATION

COMMITMENT (On both sides)

REGULARLY SCHEDULED VISITS (whether weekly, monthly bi-monthly or quarterly if the distance is great)

and MOST IMPORTANTLY at our age:

A PLAN TO END THE DISTANCE...

which of these things do you have...or not have...

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntdarn hit the enter key by mistake

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntdarn hit the enter key by mistake

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIs it possible that he told her that as a way to NOT escalate an online flirtation with a stranger to something more serious? NOT saying that having online flirtations are right... but maybe that was his way of keeping her at a "distance"

You need to ask him about a flight to see you... I just found out my boyfriend HATES (read is terrified of) flying. thankfully we were able to see each other without flights... just drives...

the bigger issue dear is, how long have you been LDR have you met IRL at all and do you have all the things in place to make an LDR work?

TRUST

HONESTY

COMMUNICATION

REGULARLY SCHEDULED VISITS (WHETHER

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks, I will talk to my man, I saw the conversation and he had stated clearly he was only looking to make friends. The flirting was very minor, and I will discuss that with him. My boyfriend has commented before that he thinks she is jealous of me, so maybe that's it. I am going to distance myself from my friend, I am not ok with what she did. Thankyou for helping me, I appreciate it a lot.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011):

Hi. I think your friend should have checked with you first before chatting to this guy and flirting with him. It would have been common courtesy really as she knew he was someone you obviously had feelings for. So in my book that`s a question mark against your friends actions.

Maybe in future don`t tell her so much about your private life just in case she decided to take in on herself to `test` the next man you show an interest in.

As for this man. He is obviously using the internet to meet ladies...plural! He has told you one thing and told her another. So he cant be trusted and makes things up as he goes along! I don`t know how long you have known him...or thought you knew him. But he is not worth your time and certainly not worth losing a friend over. If i were you i would explain that he has been busted and dump him. Then seek an assurance from your friend that she will not keep in contact with him.

Neither of them have behaved very well. It might be best to remove yourself from the site where you meet him and chose a new one without informing your friend. That way you will be clear of both of them. Just a thought.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011):

I think shes done you a huge favour, I take it you have never actually met him in the flesh?

Hes still online and flirting with women, your friend is just one you know about, he may be meeting up with loads from closer to home, or be married...you know nothing but what he tells you.

I would stop all contact with him - your friend is a true friend.

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (23 November 2011):

I would feel exactly the same as you.

Your friend was out of order. Did she mean well? I don't know. To me, it seems a little nasty that she would go to all the lengths to do that. Is she jealous of you?

It sounds like you need to have an honest and open chat with your bf, and perhaps distance yourself from your friend for a while. she clearly has boundary issues with what is and what isn't acceptable.

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