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female
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*lovesm
writes: I have just had a baby. My parents want me to stay at home with them, but I want to move back to my partner. My parents are saying that if I move back to my house with the baby they never want to see me again. We are having money problems and my parents have been helping out. They won't give any more money for us or the baby if I move home. I love my boyfriend dearly and want us to be together, yet I feel torn and like I have to decide. I don't want to lose either, but both are forcing me to make a decision. HELP!!
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (3 September 2005):
One of the scariest things about having a baby is bringing him/her home from the hospital and realising that he/she is totally and utterly dependant on us. You deserve credit for wanting to move out and live with your boyfriend as a family. It sounds like you know it won't be easy. If you do make a break then make it a clean one, become independant financially, if your mom won't help you out that way, it will be hard but it will make you strong, don't mind what she says about never having anything to do with you if you move out, she doesn't mean it. The less your parents are involved with your personal life the better. That sounds harsh but I believe it to be true, once children are grown up its much better for every one if the parents are not interfering in everthing, parents who help out financially often feel they have a right to interfere, often until their children are in their forties! If you feel strong enough, move out, find out what help there is available locally for you as a young parent, stay away from abusive substances and people, love each other and be nice to each other, love your baby and you will be OK. BE STRONG!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2005): Talk to your parents about why they don't like you living in a house with your partner and your baby. Is it because they're scared that they'll never see you again or what? Sort this out with your parents and partner and come up with an agreement.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 September 2005):
 Your folks are worried about their grandchild. They want you to move home so that they know that the baby will have a reliable roof over his/her head. It appears that they doubt your boyfriend's ability to keep the bills paid and they're using their financial help as a lever to keep you close by, so they can make sure your baby is OK.
I can see both sides of this issue. You and your baby need to be independent and have your own lives. After all, you're an adult now, with another life that you're responsible for. However, you might also be a very young adult, and it looks like you're struggling with money, meaning that your child might be at risk.
You know whose opinion is the most important here? The baby's. She/he is the only one who matters, because the rest of you can survive, no matter what problems you create for yourselves. So, clear your mind of what YOU want, and don't consider what your parents want. What's best for the baby?
If living with your folks (for a limited period) will help you get back on your feet, so that you can move out and then you'll no longer rely on mum and dad for handouts, that's what you should do.
If you know that you can get along without financial help from your parents, then move back home with your boyfriend. But please DON'T move back with your boyfriend just because it suits you, and then expect your parents to keep handing over money, because they've already said they won't be doing that.
Should you decide to stay with your parents for a period, state to them very clearly how long the period is going to be, and make sure that you take clear steps toward your goal, so that you are free of your money problems when it's time to go.
You need to investigate what government assistance might be available to you, too. Depending on where you live, you could get discount food vouchers, rental assistance, welfare payments, free (or reduced-cost) medical treatment, and so on. There are many, many government benefits for low-income parents, so go and find out what you qualify for, so you can get out from your parents' control.
Next, arrange to see a financial advisor, who can help you draw up a household budget that will make certain that you always have enough money to pay your bills and keep yourselves dressed, housed and fed. This might cost a little, but will save you similar problems in future and help set you up for the rest of your lives.
Once your parents see that you're taking steps to make yourself financially stable, they won't worry about the health and safety of their grandchild, and they won't need to make threats to keep you in their home.
Now's the time to start acting like the adult that you are. Remember that you have to think about what's best for your child before you give any thought to what suits you (or your boyfriend).
Good luck.
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