A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I proposed to my same sex partner a while ago and she said yes. We are very excited and happy. I told my family who were really pleased and even more excited for us.We told my partners parents and they were not that pleased. Her mother cried( not happy tears)and was asking if we could just have a party and not a ceremony ( we are planning a civil union) and told my partner she was rushing into things and basically made us feel bad about our news.She rings and cries about how hard it is for her. The problem is that my partners sister got engaged yesterday to her boyfriend and naturally the parents are ecstatic (as are we) for them. My partner feels really upset about this as there was no 'you're rushing into this' for her and they have been together for the same amount of time as us and are younger.They also invited them out for a meal to celebrate their announcement. We know that it will always be more difficult for us, and didn't expect a great reaction from everyone but my partner is very hurt. We have a great relationship with her parents and they seemed to be fine about us being together before this. What can I do to help my partner as I too feel angry at them for reacting so poorly. I hate seeing her feel so down and it seems like her mother will just cry until she gets her own way. I wish I could just tell them that they might not understand but telling us not to have a ceremony is selfish and crying and telling us to think about them is not fair. Don't we deserve to be as happy as any other couple who want to announce their commitment to each other? Advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Dan Savage has some good advice on this... (if you're not familiar with him get on Itunes and find his podcast)... he tells same sex couples to tell parents who are not dealing with their kids coming out that they have ONE YEAR to get over all the emotions, ask questions, and get used to news. After that they are to extend the same privileges that their straight siblings enjoy. If that doesn't happen the gay couple exits the relationship with the parents... or at least lessens it to a serious extent.
A modified form of this may be in order... surprised they didn't go nuts when you came out.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Oh, and congratulations! :D Best of luck, stay strong, and love each other!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 February 2011):
Support your partner, but stay calm and silent. Let her parents (or perhaps mother in particular) cry her tears and get it over with. You can suggest to your partner that she doesn't talk to her mother for a bit and see if she will calm down once she gets used to the idea of your engagement/marriage.
What you do is entirely up to the two of you, and you already know that. I understand that her parents reaction upsets you, but you said and know that things will always be a little harder for you. Is it fair? No. Is it how the real world works? Yes. With time same-sex marriage will get more common, one can hope, and accepted. But for now it will still cause some reaction that is different from the reaction a heterosexual couple will receive.
Go through with what you and your partner have planned and wish for. Be sorry about her parents reaction, and support her in dealing with them. But don't do anything else. It is not your job to convince them of anything, or turn them "good" or make them happy and blissful about your engagement. That's entirely up to them. It's sad that this is how the reacted, but it is how they chose to react, and it is entirely within their right to react in any way they please. Leave it be at that, and don't let their reaction dictate your lives.
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