A
female
age
51-59,
*aisy68
writes:I´m engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. We have known each other for alomost 12 years, been best friends and have been together for 8 months.They were married for 19 years with no kids. They aren't divorced yet but seperated. Divorce is still months away because they have to file for bankruptcy first.I know his ex VERY well. She has used him all those years, never working, not keeping the house clean, not cooking or otherwise taking care of him even though he was working hard, just to name a few things. After only a few years of marriage, she even started to refuse him sex or any other loving physical contact. She told him he could just go and wank off. They had sexual intercourse max. 2-3 times per year and even that was a struggle.She used all the money and he never got anything because she took charge of the finances. Everything they owned was HERS...never theirs. She re-financed the house a few times which left them with a mountain high debt. He should either have his ass kicked or get a medal for staying with her all these years.Early last year they seperated because his ex all of a sudden out of the blue realized that she was gay and she asked for the divorce. Due to the country's economy, he had lost his good paid job prior and they went completely broke. So, I suppose it was easy for her to let him go now that there was no more money to suck out of him.She now lives back with her parents but makes no effort what so ever to get a job. Because if she did, that would mean she would have to step up and pay her half for the lawyer they have hired.So right now, my fiancé and I are struggling to bring up the $1500 plus cover the divorce costs, while she is just leeching off her retired parents and others as well, sitting on her ass all day surfing the internet, going to bed late and sleep in till the afternoon.But that's not all! She has told me that she still thinks of him as HER best friend. She asks him out on lunch and dinner dates "just to talk" as she calls it but lets him pay for the meals.She still has some kind of power over him and I don't know how to stop it. I told him that I'm against their social meetings and since then he has blown her off. But I can tell that there is a part of him that hasn't let her go yet. Every time she needs something, he comes running to her rescue. If she plays her "feel-sorry-for-me card" he falls for it. If she needs help with money, he still pays. I have told him enough already and he agrees with me every time when it's already done, but I can be certain that it will happen again.I know that he loves me deeply. We talk about things openly and he has admited that somewhere deep down he still feels something for her but that he doesn't love her anymore.I know that you can't erase a marriage that lasted this long from one day to another, even when it was a bad marriage. But when is it enough?She pisses me off with her ways, the way she can manipulate him and take advantage of his good heart. Problem is, that he needs to be careful too with what he tells her or does, so she won't take him to the cleaners when they're finalizing the divorce. He now has a low paid job again but if she's filing for alimony our future together is doomed. I have only a small income myself and I have brought 2 children into the relationship and they are very attached to him and call him dad. Another problem is that I'm living out of State for the time being, so I can't always jump between them when something's up.Most of the time he tells me when she calls or sends him text messages and that's how I find out about it. I am grateful for his honesty...no doubt.I want to tell her to back off and leave us alone but that could just trigger the evil person inside of her. I know how mean she can get.But the thought of always having her on our backs is very difficult to deal with.I love my fiancé so much and I want nothing more than to be his wife. But because of her I am never really 100% happy. I don't hate her but let's say I wouldn't be sad to see her get what she deserves.Can someone tell me how to deal with this situation? Should I be patient and wait till he's finally over her all together? Or do I at least suck it all up until then divorce is final and then have a go at her?Am I wrong for feeling this way? I'm so confused and I desperately need some advice in this matter.
View related questions:
bankrupt, best friend, debt, divorce, engaged, his ex, money, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): he needs to get his personal problems resolved first before he can be in a new relationship with anyone. I suggest you also separate from him, until he's sorted his life out and has moved on from her. yes there is the danger that if you separate from him at this delicate stage, he could end up back with her if she decides she wants him back. but if that happens that means he was never ready to be with you at all. You don't want to be with someone whose link to you is so weak that it can be broken that easily. So ironically if you separate from him now but tell him it's so he can sort his problems out, it will be a win-win for you: either he will finally resolve his issues with her because he's motivated to get you back. Or he shows his true colors and ends up back with her or in this continuing limbo which proves to you that he was never fully "yours" to begin with so better to find out now than after having invested more of yourself into him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): sadly I've known many men just like him - both my friends and family members.It's short-sighted and misguided to blame it all on her. Realize that any relationship takes TWO people. He is an equal part of maintaining that dynamic, it's not all on her. She snaps her fingers and he jumps. Well guess what, not only is she wrong for snapping her fingers - that shows no respect for personal boundaries since they're separated - but he's also in the wrong for jumping.You need to take some of that focus on her and put it on HIM. Why? because he's the one that you're supposed to be in the relationship with. He's bringing her into this relationship too, no doubt. But that's not entirely her fault he's just as responsible.Men like him are what you call "co-dependent". that also describes their marriage. Co-dependent couples don't separate so easily just because they're now legally going through a divorce. they are enmeshed as they have been for years. probably he will only 'emotionally separate' from her once she finds a new guy and stops going to him. but she probably won't find a new guy that easily because of her character and cos it's easier for her to just continue to have him in her life than to take the time to develop a new relationship.typical dynamic of a co-dependent couple is the very needy, demanding, high-maintenance woman, and the strong man who always has to be her savior and take care of her. They play two intertwining roles that sustain each other. If he didn't have such a NEED to be a rescuer and appeaser, she wouldn't have any power over him she could cry and stomp her feet all she wants and he wouldn't do anything then eventually she'd grow tired of expending all that energy and go away to find a better target. But because he isn't standing up to her or ignoring her, he's being an equal participant in their unhealthy "dance." He's making it possible for her to continue being the way she is. it's also obvious that he's a "yes man" - he says yes to her, and he says yes to you too. He always agrees with you when you tell him this needs to stop, doesn't he? And yet does he actually do anything different? so he's basically a crowd pleaser - too weak to take a stand and make someone unhappy at him. Has no opinion of his own, no convictions of his own. Remember despite how their marriage went, in the end it was her who left him not the other way round. He never once in his life displayed the courage or strength of character to stand up for what's right. it's really no surprise that he's still like this now. I'm not defending her, I'm saying that you should cast an equally critical eye on HIM as well, not just on her, because he is the guy you're supposedly thinking of marrying so you need to see him with more clarity. If he can't or won't (actually the same thing) make concrete changes to the way he behaves towards her, then I'm afraid you should seriously reconsider if this is someone you should be in a relationship with let alone marrying. Do you want to marry someone who has so many personal weaknesses (and doesn't want to change them) that he's always doing unfair things to you? Is that going to be a good marriage?No it's not your job to "jump in between them" every time she rings him for something. Don't even try, it won't do any good anyway and will only make you even more frustrated. Keep talking to him, but at some point you have to take your own stand against him and say enough is enough, and show it by being ready to end this relationship not as a manipulation tactic but because that's really what is better for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (17 February 2012):
 This is the standard female response where the woman gets blamed for everything. Frankly your fiance sounds like a sap. Maybe he doesn't have a backbone and can never say NO to her, or maybe he likes high-maintenance bitches, who knows. In either case, HE makes the decision to pay for any outing and everything in between. It's easy to blame the other person because they have more character flaws, but if he hand a better handle over HIS finances and himself, you wouldn't be raging over his push-over nature. This is not your problem or something that you can fix. This is about him and his character that accepts people using and trampling all over him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 February 2012):
 This "wonderful man" sounds like a child who simply lets his ex- have total control over his life.
Face it, if they are separated and on their way to financial ruin and divorce, then he doesn't have to have any contact with her.... that's why we hire divorce lawyers..... That he DOES have ANY contact with her should send YOU a deafening message that you are in the early stages of a wild ride that you really shouldn't/wouldn't want to be on, UNLESS you are an incorrigable thrill-seeker.....
If you were my Sister, I'd box your ears and say, "Fer cryin' out loud, let that idiot GO!!!!"
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
 So you are engaged to a legally married man. My fiancé and I want to get married and I just got my divorce decree so before we became FORMALLY engaged we had to wait till I was divorced. Being engaged is a promise to marry and you can’t make a promise to marry if you are legally married to someone else.
Wow you know an awful lot about their married life. Did you hear this from her or from him? I know you said you know his ex very well… was she YOUR friend first?
She took charge of the money.. SHE refied the house which left them in debt but she never worked so his name had to be involved as well that means he was approving of the refi and he signed for it… YOU CANNOT BLAME everything on the ex sweetie… he’s culpable too.
Where she lives and what she does about money is not your concern unless he has to pay alimony and that’s a problem for him to be honest.
She asks him out and he goes… and he pays… he knows this is happening and yet he continues to go and see her and pay her way… she does not hold a gun to his head and force him.
While he has stopped seeing her to make you happy you know he’s still emotionally attached to him…
YOU can’t stop her power over him only HE can. He has to want to.
Not sure how can take him to the cleaners if there is nothing to take… you said they have to file bankruptcy so that means she gets half the debt…
I would let him go for now.. tell him to clean up his life with her and finish the divorce. Get some counseling on how to let go and move forward… but clearly he’s not done with her and that has to happen before you guys can be a proper couple. Sorry the news in not better…
...............................
|
