A
female
age
41-50,
*JC
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we are engaged and he is with me everyday, never spent a night away apart from 3 times in the whole 2 years to work. The last time he went away was January and I have just found out he got a girl pregnant. It turns out he has been seeing the girl for over 6 years but they only see each once or twice a year. She is fine with this. Because of their arrangement I find it difficult to accept that they relationship was serious, but obviously it is. He wants me to forgive but I can forgive and accept the baby but I cant accept her, i think she will always be there. What do u think I should do?
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Looking at my previous post, I think I should clarify that my initial comment was a wry observation on the ways of our supposedly 'monogamous' species. It was in no way meant to condone the behaviour of the man in question.
I would go further and say that I find your magnanimity in forgiving your boyfriend amazing. Nor do you express rancour about the baby. Merely that you can't accept the ongoing presence of the 'other woman'. You are a more generous and forgiving person than many I know.
I agree wholeheartedly with the other aunts here. For a start, your fiance is guilty of sheer duplicity. He continued a past relationship with another woman despite being engaged to her. And he did it with calculation and deliberation -- it wasn't a spontaneous affair where the two suddenly met up again and, despite their best intentions, couldn't help themselves. It was all planned. Could you trust this person again?
The implications of accepting this baby and the other woman have all been mentioned by other people. They will all cast a shadow over your married life. One thing I wonder about: how it is this girl managed to become pregnant? If two people are cheating, it's normal to be more careful. So was this a total accident? Or was there an element of calculation, an attempt to keep this man in her life? Not knowing the details, it's hard to say, but the entire affair smells. I think you should seriously consider dumping this guy.
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (29 April 2008):
Having children by other women is not a sin and is not unusual with our species :) But:
1. Having an undeclared woman on the side is a betrayal of trust.
2. Having a child with another woman is a betrayal of trust and commitment.
3. Supporting that child means a continued commitment to the other women. What sort of relationship does he propose to have with her in future? Of course, failure to support that child would be morally even worse.
4. Having a child that will divert financial and emotional resources away from your marriage is against your interests and that of your future children, as other people have covered in some detail.
Has he considered all this when he asks for "forgiveness"? Have you discussed all this with him? What is his attitude? How does he propose to work it out?
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A
female
reader, sister of mercy +, writes (28 April 2008):
Leave him!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Kick this cheater to the kerb!!!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 I will divide my opinion in parts.
As to the baby, there is no choice here: the baby is there and he must be the father. This isn't optional; not taking care of that baby would be a real bad thing. So, if you are to be with him, you need to accept that the baby will always be there. It can't be otherwise if he is to be responsible towards the baby. And, if the baby is there, so will the mother.
That said, it's obvious that he's been cheating on you. You know that it happened with this girl twice a year, during six years. But that is irrelevant, I guess; it could have been once a year with different girls and it would still be cheating.
Only you know what you prefer. But I will say this: if you just forgive, then you won't be able to complain if it happens again. You could also tell him, of course, that you won't tolerate anything like that again.
But, personally, I would leave such a person. He took you by surprise. I'm sure he didn't want a baby, either, but that's irrelevant. Now you'd be marrying a man with baggage, and your standing with him wouldn't be strong. You're not sure if they won't continue to sleep "once a year". You're not really sure where you stand now.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 April 2008):
The fact that you never spend any time appart says to me that you don't know if this relationship is real.
It's never been tested, you have no idea if you would cope well with problems in the long term.
The fact that it only took a few hours away from you for him to forget you and cheat says to me that your love is more convenient than real.
This is a huge betrayal either way. Why not suggest you take a bit of a break from eachother. make him work to regain your trust and start going out on dates with eachother to get some romance back.
You may discover that he is out of your mind as soon as he is out of your sight.
Best to check it out now rather than further down the line.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): Dump him. You deserve someone who will spend time soley on you surely?
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Give yourself time. This is too soon to forgive, although you may be able to (not sure I could). You could fool yourself into accepting this because you don’t want it to be true. Some things people do and say change our relationships forever. Don’t leap to say you forgive him when the feelings have only just started dawning on you.
He really does have to prove that she is in the past and with a child coming you are right to say she never will be. In fact you will not only have to probably accept this child as his when it comes to stay, but you will also have to accommodate the woman into your life when making plans.
Usually when people have children from previous relationships they have already separated and divorced. This child was created when you were together, which will make it very difficult. Your joint finances will be taken into account when you marry and you will have to pay child support as well.
He may want to visit this woman in her home and see his child, in which case I am not sure how you will be able to trust him. There are no answers. Usually when there is infidelity and people decide to stay together it is because they have years behind them and don’t want to give up. You are very young and would have to think about all this very carefully.
Think far ahead. If you have your own kids with him they would possibly want contact with this half sibling. Your fiancé may want to leave an equal amount to it in his will. You may jointly have to pay for it to go to college or university. Your extended family will be involved and know about this situation at some stage and what he has done to you. Think hard before you commit.
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A
female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (28 April 2008):
 You have been together for two years and yu have only just found out.... how many more are there.
When he proposed that is supposed to be a commitment to you and you alone he obvisiouly isnt. The choice is yours but if it has been going on for six yrs and then not to mention now theres a baby things are going to get difficult.
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