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My fiance won't let my friend come to our wedding because shes a lesbian.

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 February 2009) 13 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2009)
A age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My fiance won't let my friend come to our wedding because shes a lesbian. She says The Dike (that's what she calls her when my friend isn't around) will eye up all the bridesmaids and also she doesn't want her to come because there going to be a lot of little kids (like 1-5) and she doesn't want to scar them. She always had a problem with my friend even when we were dating. I think its quite disrespectful I mean im letting her guy friend come and hes bi. Any ideas?

View related questions: fiance, lesbian, wedding

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2009):

Boonridge McPhalify agony aunthow rude and ignorant is this whole situation. and she has a bi/gay man friend. she just doesn't like your friend and if you want to set the tone for the future make YOUR choice wisely. this just sounds like when women dont like each other which is a common life theme in my experience

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009):

Tell her that if she's being immature then her bi friends not allowed to come!

I think that the problem isn't that she is gay but that she thinks that there was always something between you to and she is jealous

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A female reader, Ask The Leprechaun United Kingdom +, writes (25 February 2009):

Ask The Leprechaun agony auntA lot of the replies here are quite critical of you wife, and rightly so, considering her homophobia. But at the end of the day, YOU are the one who's marrying her, so remind yourself why. While this is a terrible flaw, she must have some good qualities, or you wouldn't be marrying her.

It's not unusual for women to feel intimidated by lesbians, it doesn't mean they're hateful people, it's probably just the way they've been brought up. I have quite a lot of Homophobic friends that insist they aren't homophobic as they are fine with gays but terrified of lesbians, other than that they're really nice people. I'm bi and i don't tell them because I know they have issues with homophobia and I don't want to scare/upset them, but if they found out and got all wierd about it, it would be their problem not mine.

You need to let your wife know that homophobia is her problem, and others such as you and your friend should not suffer because of it. She obviously finds some sense of security and reasurance in fearing homosexuality, let her know that she is entitled to her beliefs as long as she does not inflict them upon anyone else, or let it affect your marriage in any way, and that means letting your friend go to the wedding because it would please YOU, her new husband. Marriage is about making sacrifices, doing something you hate for someone you love is very noble, let her know that you're proud of her for overcoming her fears for you.

If that doesn't work, why not invite your friend over so the 3 of you can reach a compromise. Why stop there? get the bi guy round aswell and ask him how he feels about lesbians, maybe he can talk some sense into your wife-to-be.

And what about the future? what if you have a daughter who grows up to be a lesbian? You can't let your wife pass on her irrational fears to your kids. Maybe you have time to change her views on lesbians before that happens if it happens.

If she still won't budge.....

Tell her that if she's so into traditional gender roles, tell her that you're the man, and put your foot down.

If she doesn't go for that, you could try sinking to her level and tell her you don't want her bi friend to come because he'll not only be eyeing up the bridesmaids and the best man, but everyone at the wedding. When she says thats ridiculous and homophobic, agree with her and let her know that's exactly how you feel about her prejudice towards your lesbian friend.

Flattery - tell her she'll be the most beautiful woman there and nobody will notice ANYONE else is in the room, let alone one lesbian.

And if none of that works, it looks like your friend is screwed. Good luck with the homophobic wife and just be grateful that YOU aren't a lesbian.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009):

I think this is a terrible indication of the sort of person she is. Refusing to let a friend of yours attend your wedding over such a trivial reason seems somewhat unloving.

From the sounds of it your future wife would be far more likely to scar children than your lesbian friend. Do you want to have children with this woman? Do you want them raised to have warped views like she does?

I'd take this as a massive big red flag. Explore her views on things as you don't want to get married and then find out she is a closed minded controlling wife who tells you how it is going to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

You have to start your marriage the way you want to continue it 5, 10, 50 years down the road. If you give in on her homophobic nonsense, in 5 years you'll find yourself giving in on everything.

I never understand my gender when it comes to weddings. I know we're the brides, but it does take 2 to have a wedding, otherwise its just a church service and a party in a really expensive dress. Its your wedding too. And you can invite yuour friends, just like she invites hers. And if she makes a big enough fuss about it, then maybe you do need to question whether or not she is, long term, the right woman for you.

That said, I also agree with a previous poster... unless the lesbians are going to put on a floor show, there's no way they're going to scar anyone, least of all the kids. And frankly, if straight couple went and put on a floor show, it would damage the kids, that has nothing to do with orientation, that has to do with appropriate wedding behavior. Where do people get these ideas?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

I'm glad to see that the other posters have given you such great answers already!

I completely agree- why ever would you want to marry such a selfish, bigoted, and uncompromising woman?

You sound lovely- you deserve better!

Call it off and go for an enjoyable few drinks with your friend instead!

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A female reader, loving arms United Kingdom +, writes (23 February 2009):

I find it amazing that we still have people as narrow minded as your future wife! ask her if she fancies every man she see? I assume she, like everyone else actually has taste and simply being male does not equal love match! Do you really want to spend your life with someone with such a negative attitude? As for children being scarred, unless the 'dykes' put on a floor show i cannot see a problem. Maybe your girlfriend needs reminding that a wedding is actually a ceremony for TWO people, both of whom decide who is and is not welcome. God forbid any children you have don't grow up to be gay. Talk to her now, as this issue will never go away.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

I know you love your fiancee and you don't want to argue with her about this issue but you have to confront her with a bit more "demanding" role here. This wedding is to celebrate both of you getting together and that equality is present. There is no sexism, racism nor should there be homophobics involved. What if there are little kids involved? It's not like she's going to go up to those kids and rape them.

I am bisexual and have many other bisexal or lesbian friends (I haven't told them my orientation but am guessing they already figured it out) and all my straight friends are cool with it. How does your fiancee know that some of her bridesmaids aren't interested in women as well?

Tell your finacee that this wedding is a very important ceremony for the both of you and you want your important friends to attend(including lesbians). If you two are getting married soon then I'm pretty sure she's a very pretty, smart and caring woman who can understand and respect your thoughts.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (23 February 2009):

Wow! How can you marry someone who is so full of hate that they are homophobic? Is she racist as well? She sounds lovely!

Tell her that it's your friend and she has to get over her ridiculous prejudices. Tell her it's not the 1890's and you don't know what her problem is but it's time for her to stop being so backward and grow up.

I hope you aren't going to let her bring up your kids as bigoted little psychos too? You might want to talk to her about that too.

Good Luck!! xx

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A male reader, Griffo Australia +, writes (23 February 2009):

Griffo agony auntI agree with all the other posters mate. Its your friend and thats it. I can just see when your 40 and she's got you tied up telling you to do everything and not to do anything you want... This will be the killer of your relationship and its just been exposed! So you need to fix it.

Though i can see why she's worried too. You see kids (children) dont think like us adults and there not used to nor understand homosexuality because the've ne ver been tought what it is, and because of the way they have been braught up. And YES, with a male father and a female mother, it confuses them when they see a woman looking like a man. Your friend might look very masculine to you but to a child they can pick it out from a mile. Homosexuality is somthing they learn as they get older obviously, but in the young years it will be very confusing for them, especially for the first time. Plus a child might even go up to your friend and ask "Why do you dress like a boy for" and it could get uncomfortable for her being victim to the innocents of a childs question (that has no negative intention).

Its a tough one but you have a bit of thinking to do. Will your friend be dressing femanin or masculine. To solve the problem with the children she may want to dress faminin, but then again thats againsed her sexuality right?

Good luck, let us know how you go.


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

Takes two to make a wedding.. If her friend can come, then so can yours. Will you allow her to dictate to you all your married life. How will you tell your friend that she's not welcome, because your wife is two faced about people's sexuality. Tell her that her bi-sexual friend can't come either, and ask that she print on the wedding invitations that only heterosexual people are welcome, because she has issues. This should give her food for thought.

If you decide to make her happy and leave your lesbian friend at home, demand that she phone your friend and tell her the reason, and then after the wedding, take your lesbian friend out to apologise for your wife's bad behaviour. Refusing to allow your friends to share your life, will make you very unhappy in the long run. But don't worry, your friend will understand.

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A female reader, jessica04 United States +, writes (23 February 2009):

jessica04 agony auntI have to agree that I find it amazing that you were able to put aside your beliefs about homosexuality (I'm assuming you're o.k. with it), for this woman who cannot respect you in return.

If you love her, that's great, but she's breaking one of the founding laws of a working relationship, which is compromise. If her friend can go, yours can too. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I suggest you sit her down and do the talking and let her know explicitly how unfair you think this is, and how unreasonable she is being. I wouldn't threaten that her friend cannot come, though, since weddings are meant to be a celebration among friends and family. Just be the bigger person, and she'll have no leg to stand on.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (23 February 2009):

LazyGuy agony auntIt seems she has some major phobia about lesbians but apparently thinks it is fine for a guy to be bi-sexual.

Could this be the reverse homophobia of men who think lesbians are fine but scared to death of gay men?

Just like these men fear gay men because they think they are after their asses, maybe she feels the same about your friend? That your lesbian friend is constantly lusting after her etc etc.

There is little that can be done against pure homophobes like that and it says a LOT about her personality. Do you really want to marry a bigot? Maybe you do, but then you got to life with the consequences.

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