A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im engaged and my weve been together for 3 Years. Yesterday we got in a argument and i told him something that pissed him off and he slapped me in the face twice. He has a bad temper but that was overboard.at the moment i told him that i was done and he said then give me back the ring so i did and he left.now he says he loves me and i dont know wat to do.lately he has been saying im getting chunky and bc hes a bodybuilder he is a perfectionist n to him i look chunky since i gained ten pounds.also he has been disrespectful lately and im sick of it and he is just makin me upset and have low self esteem latley.is it worth givin it a chance or should i ignore him?
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engaged, fiance, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 October 2011):
Dump him ASAP.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 October 2011):
 I would NOT take him back in a million years.
Is he on steroids perhaps?
And domestic abuse starts with something as "simple" as an argument, a slap. But you have to look ahead, what might he do next? punch you? choke you?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (20 October 2011):
 It is wrong for him to hit you. He lost his self control and took it out on you. That is abuse.
Even if you provoked him with your words-it was wrong.
It sounds like this is a time to take a HUGE step back from this relationship and figure out if you really want it and under what conditions.
If this is was all provoked because of him hurting your feelings over a small weight gain, your bf is not merely a perfectionist he is shallow! We gain weight when we get older, sick, injured, etc.
Does he want to marry YOU or a makeover project?
You mention you do have low selfesteem. You do not want to enter a marriage on that foot. That relationship is not going to validate your worth. YOU determine your self worth-not him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
 ONLY you can decide if you should stay with him. I left one man I was married to when he physically assaulted me... I stay with another man by choice... but I changed the parameters of the relationship by going to counseling for us (originally HE ASKED to go and now I demand it)
I let him know that his behavior was UNACCEPTABLE and he is aware that he was wrong and has shown remose and apologized for it. BUT I am much older than you and I am so sure I'm ALL THAT and a bag of chips that I don't much care when he says "that is an ugly dress" I wear it anyway and stick my tongue out at him and laugh...
BTW I used to weigh 286 pounds and I lost a lot of weight... I just finished an illness that left me at a mere 135 pounds and it took me nearly 2 months to gain back ten pounds and now I feel fat and he thinks I'm fine...
TEN pounds on a short woman can be a lot... TEN pounds can indicate that:
a. you are not watching your intake or exercise has slacked off
b. there is a medical problem that needs to be addressed
c. there is an emotional issue causing you to feed your hungry heart... (so many of us are emotional eaters)
d. your age is catching up with you (sadly this is a fact after age 35 or later)
HOWEVER, it does NOT give him the right to abuse you either physically or emotionally (what he does when he calls you names) for me emotional abuse is ten times worse than physical abuse... it's insidious and it's hard to see especially when we have low self esteem.
My brother was a competitive bodybuilder when he was younger. that's when he met his husband. now my brother is out of shape middle aged and obese... and his husband still loves him.... our bodies just house our brains and that's what we love about our partners.. the insides not the wrappings...
I stay with my partner because although he has tons of faults I am happier with him than without him at least 80% of the time.
My suggestion to you:
get a sheet of paper
draw a line down the middle
on the top of one side write PROS and on the other side write CONS
then make a list on each side
PRO: all the GOOD reasons you stay with him...
CONS: all the reasons you should leave
this list is FOR YOU ONLY not to be shared....
use this list to help you decide what to do....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): I know I'm always taken to task for looking at things in black and white but just want to throw a spanner in the work:
Yes physical abuse is wrong. If u allow it once u have allowed it too many times
BUT
And this is for all you Aunts that keep on talking about things not always being in black and white. You both were arguing. You both said horrible things to each other. AND then he gave u 2 slaps. So here is the GRAY AREA : did u provoke him? U see OP PROVOCATION is something that makes a person snap. U keep at it over and over until the person snaps. Is this what happened?
The above scenario is for all of you who believe that in life it is not all about black and white. So does this Gray area make it right?
Abuse is abuse. Whether by a male or female.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (20 October 2011):
 you have received some great advice below and i hope you will take it. a lot of these body builders are in love with them self, egos are inflated,and immature. if he is hitting you now i am afraid it will only get worse after you get married. do your self a favor and find a nice guy that loves you for who you are! i know it is an emotional connection you feel with him or you would not be engaged to him, but i hope you find the strength to leave him before you end up getting hurt. hitting you before you get married that should be a warning sign. their are nice guys out there that would not hurt a lady or care if she put on 10 lbs. i wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): unless you were absolutely torturing him with psychologically abusive statements for years and the thing that you said was a "final straw" and he couldn't take any more then I would dump him. And I say that whilst knowing that a physical abuser will find ANY excuse as to why they have hit you, so make sure that, if you are thinking about what I have said, you give yourself the absolute benefit of the doubt. So if you just said something out of the blue, or in a typical "couple" type argument, and he overreacted, then get rid of him. It sounds from what you say that he was starting to psychologically/emotionally undermine you in any case, and often that is a precursor to the actual physical act of violence. It follows a pattern - undermine, physically harm, show remorse and express deep love, more time spent together, blame starts, undermine, physical harm, show remorse...you don't want it, believe me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Yes, dump him with no regrets.
By slapping you he crossed the dangerous line of physical abuse and there's no going back.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 October 2011):
 I don't think you should carry on with him.
He will be more abusive in future, more controlling. He will make you feel worse. It will be like army boot camp with him. And slapping could get worse.
If you have the strength now not to be with him, then do it.
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A
female
reader, babu3u +, writes (20 October 2011):
 If he is hitting you now that you are not married he won't change and he will actually be worse. You should dump him and find a guy that will respect you and actually love you even if you gains a few pounds.
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A
male
reader, bmt1380 +, writes (20 October 2011):
GET OUT NOW!!! No further contact, nothing. its a dangerous situation and will only get worse. ive been there and leaving is the hardest thing to do but seriously u need to just stay gone and just chalk it up to a lesson learned. it will NOT get better. He will NOT change. u need to just leave.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 You should Dump him. He is abusive and bringing your self -esteem down, it will get worse as time goes on. Break up and keep away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): YES you should dump him.he's physically and emotionally abusive. thank your lucky stars you're only engaged and not actually married. Once you're married it's much harder to get out of this kind of relationship when you're finally broken and crushed and can't take it anymore. If you marry an abusive man, you may have to divorce him at some point for your own safety and health. But any kind of divorce comes with strings attached because marriage is legal contract so you can't just walk away just like that without involving lawyers and courts and lots of money. The institution of marriage is meant to legally trap people together so they can't rid themselves each other that easily.get out now, before you're married, when you really can just walk away no strings attached because there's nothing legally binding you to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Don't marry him, you'll regret it. Body builders are obsessive people who probably have many insecurities when he nitpicked and called you “chunky” because you gained 10 lbs... that is crazy and that would be enough to end it for me. Slapping is not ok. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2011):
 I would ignore him. Focus on getting yourself healthy and mentally strong. Realize that his slapping you twice is abuse and will probably only get worse. You deserve better than this type of treatment.
I would tell him that he needs to go to counseling for his physical abuse and anger management issues. After he's completed a course on how to deal with that, you could consider speaking to him again, but only after the two of you have been through counseling. Perhaps in a year or so you could consider reconciling if he's better.
He can apply his perfectionism to himself... I know a few former body builders who look like ice cream cones now. It's a difficult stage to reach, it requires some effort. If he is so focused on being so physically extreme then it would probably be better for him to be with someone who shares his vision. Sorry for saying that but he sounds like a really bad bet.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 October 2011):
 Cool off, give yourself some time to think about what you really want and where this road could take you. If you got married, you have the rest of your lifetime with him, and if he hits you this soon into the relationship, this could be a sign of worse things to come. That he's been emotionally AND now physically abusive really should indicate to you that this is a progressing thing, which means it will build. I think he probably thought that he basically had you in the bag so he could treat you like he owned you. I think the cons definitely outweigh the pros of trying again with him, but only you know his personality. he's seized control of the relationship and is taking it down a bad path. you don't want to start a marriage on that foot!
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