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My fiance refuses to drive 15 minutes to visit me!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 September 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 6 September 2017)
A male South Africa age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I went from single, to now engaged... this took 2 and a half years. But as much as I love her and she is always telling me she loves me I am having some issues... her actions are not lining up with her words.

In the past 2.5 years she has come to my place on her own twice, she does not drive (only as she did not have a car). It became an issue for me as its quite a drive to her place and back all the time. So I built her a car... yes built. She was supposed to be part of it, but never arrived once and always had excuses. She does however drive the car to work every day, but refuses to drive to me.... so for 2.5 years I have been chauffer, picking her up from her place and coming back to mine for the weekends and then Sunday night dropping her back home etc. The driving is getting to me. We are engaged now... some of the signs are worrying me, am I going to be chauffer for life ? We had an agreement to move in together by the end of the year, she keeps finding excuses not to, or to prolong it, or to try to get me to move to her suburb which I will not do as I have an aged father and great aunt whom I look after and need to be close to.

In the last 2.5 years she called me from her mobile twice, yes twice, although she does pm me a lot.. a call is just special, I call her daily...I have since becoming engaged made an issue of it and it has since improved dramatically.

So, I am thinking of doing the same with the driving, putting me foot down and telling her if she wants to see me, she needs to meet me half way and come to my place. She has never come to my place to surprise me, not once, not ever, despite me offering to give her keys. I am concerned.... and I am slowly becoming very concerned that I am being dragged along here until I submit to doing things her way... which wont happen, I am far to strong and would rather walk away now.

Advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be great, perhaps I am just not seeing the truth ? Perhaps I just need some good ideas and advice on how to get her to drive. She maintains that its normal for men to fetch the woman... I maintain she is stuck in the 1700s where only men have horses and carriages and we have since moved on a lot from that ideal in the last 300 years.

Thanks

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (6 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI think this is less about the driving for you and more about her making more off an effort. You work hard, am sure she does to. Do you ever surprise her with dinner? I agree she needs to make more off an effort for you, but you both need to talk. I do wonder why you proposed to her when you felt this way. Sit down and chat with her. It needs to be done.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2017):

I can hardly complain to drive 15 mins to see my lovely girlfriend. :) But perhaps you just want her to put in more effort, not necessary driving? Anyway I would suggest you tell her exactly what you told us - that it would be nice if she could drive to you one every other weekend and that it would make your day as you are tired throughout the week.

But in my opinion it's only 15mins. If 30mins then I could see how it can get tiring. It's too bad that this short drive could be a deal breaker.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2017):

Some people don't like driving, and will only do it when necessity demands it.

Have you ever stopped to ask her if she has a driving-phobia or fear of driving long distances alone? I have a problem with night-glare. I don't like night-driving.

I know people from New York City who don't drive at all; and rely completely on taxis, the subway, and buses. They could easily afford a car; but refuse to deal with New York traffic. Maybe she doesn't like city traffic, or long lonely highways. I've heard of people who fear crossing bridges; or high-speed on long stretches of highway. They putter along and drive other drivers to road-rage.

From what you've indicated, it must be a lengthy drive; or I don't understand what you're complaining about? One thing for sure, you're one heck of a patient guy to chauffeur her around for over two long years.

Well, she didn't have a car to start with. So I think she gets a reprieve for the time she didn't have her own car.

You have an old-fashioned girl who likes her man to take care of her. She obviously prefers you to be the driver.

As for not calling or visiting; now I do see a problem there. Maybe you got ahead of yourself when you asked her to marry you. A guy usually makes his decision to propose based on a number of things. So she's weak in the driving department; and she doesn't call you much. I gather she's not a phone-person. She's making sure her man visits instead of conducting a relationship between devices.

I think she is making you be the pursuer. However; by being so accommodating, you've created a monster. Maybe a good talk and some compromise is in order.

May I suggest a long engagement. Her lukewarm level of enthusiasm might be a red-flag. It seems a bit late in the game to be complaining after putting up with it for so long.

Would you care to share some of her strong-points and what made you want to marry her?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017):

How long is the drive - 15 minutes along a single road with only one intersection and it is stunningly beautiful, it really is a nice drive but one I have started to loathe. She drives like the wind, she is not afraid of her car and loves driving it, but just plain refuses to drive to me citing that it is only right that the man should collect the woman... I run 4 companies, I work 14 hour days, I assure you at the end of the week the last thing I want is to drive anymore...this would include the company she is employed in which i rescued because of her... Its just feeling a little one sided and after 2.5 years I cannot even come home to a surprise meal as she just wont make the drive. Seems silly but I fear it could be a relationship killer.. I just cant do it anymore but I do love her and have done everything I can to make her life easier, better and so much more. I made the decision today based on the responses I received to put my cards on the table, I will alternate weekends and if she is not prepared to then neither am I... I realise its an ultimatum but I do not see how I am left with a choice as I am not prepared to do it anymore. :( Thank you guys and ladies for the input.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (5 September 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I would like to know how much it is " quite a drive ". ( The 2,5 reported in the title refers to the years of relationship, not to hours of distance ).

Maybe your girlfriend is a nervous, insecure driver which does not like / is afraid to drive long distances ?...One that drives around town , and if she really MUST ( like for going to work ) but avoids longer drives like the plague ? Did you ever ask her, did you ever notice ?

Some people do not like to admit that they are sort of afraid behind a wheel, so they'll hide it with excuses.

I am one of those hapless drivers ( and I admit it too ! ) Funny because I am far from a scaredy cat in general, but there 's something about driving that just makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. I drove ( as least as possible ) when I lived in California, because there you have no choice , if you want to survive you must drive- but no way that anybody could convince me to take the wheel for a LONG drive just for the heck of it, or if there were alternatives ( ..like, somebody kindly picking me up :)

Ask her . If this is the case,.. she is more to be pitied than blamed :) , it's a sort of irrational phobia and an uncool one, in a society where everybody drives.

Otherwise , if she is just lazy and old fashioned ( hard to believe , though ) you need to be firm, and explain her that there's two of you in the relationship and each needs to do their part. So you'll alternate the visits to each other , and if she really does not want to drive, she is welcome to use public transportation, or a cab, - but no more chaffeuring her around full time, because in a relationship everything needs to be shared equally , or sort of :... also the inconveniences.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017):

How long is the drive?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017):

I think your right in what you said she thinks the man should fetch and carry , which is not a good way to think . Tell her to compromise everyother wkend she needs to make her own way to you no excuses , if she let's you down end it as she is not committed to you.... you deserve an equal. .

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