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My fiance lied about not being attracted to other women

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 August 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 8 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi

I'm not sure what I'm after writing here but I'm just feeling so hurt I don't know what to think :(

I've been with my fiancè for 8 years and we've always been close. I've always trusted him but lately I dont feel close to him or feel like I trust him at all.

I'm not naive and I know men look at other women/can appreciate attractive celebrities etc, and I've never said to him that I expect him to only look at/fancy me.

However, right from the beginning he's always told me that he doesn't look at anyone else/fancy celebrities/look a bikini models/porn etc online. When different celebrities/people on love island etc have been mentioned he's said he doesnt know who they are, if I've asked if he thinks someone is attractive on the tele etc he's said he thinks they're too skinny/he doesn't like fake boobs/plastic surgery etc etc/is too young for him to like etc.

If he's ever asked who his celebrity crush is he's said he doesnt know/hasn't got one/no-one springs to mind. When I've said after the conversation when it's just us 2 that surely there's someone who he likes the look of/looks at online etc he says he doesn't look at anyone as he loves me and I'm the only one he fancies. (I have never actually believed that or expected that to be the case).

I've never looked at his phone or internet history so for 8 years I've never known what he's been googling or felt the need to.

However, a couple of months ago my phone had died and we wanted to look at pictures of a wedding venue we were going to so I searched on his Instagram for it. As I was doing so I saw his recent searches/top profiles that he looked at were all bikini models etc. It threw me and I didn't want to ruin our day so I didnt say anything. I then started looking at what he was searching every few days (I couldn't help myself, I know that's wrong) to see if it was a one off, which is wasn't. It's basically all he searches for on instagram.

I saw he's searched for degrading pages about asses/boobs etc as well as females we know/my friends etc who over the years he's always said he doesnt fancy if things like are any of my friends attractive have ever come up.

I asked him directly if he looks at bikini models or celebrities on instagram and he said he doesnt because he's "not a teenage boy". I asked him directly if he thought certain celebrities I saw he regularly looks at are hot and he either said they're too fake/skinny/young etc or for lots of them he said he doesn't know who they are.

I then told him I'd seen it all on his phone and he came out with various different lies about how he's not looked at them, before finally saying that he does and he likes looking at it/it's turned into a habit/that he does think all these people who are have plastic surgery/are skinny/are all the things he said he didn't like are fit. He said he's been looking at girls online for a few years but didn't want to hurt me.

I know I was wrong for looking at his phone for a bit without telling him. I also know all men look and he will find other women attractive even though he said he doesnt. I don't ask him lots of questions about who he fancies/if someone is fit, it's just come up over the years.

I also know he's trying to protect my feelings saying he doesn't and he's not cheated on me or anything like that. He's said he's sorry and he loves me and he won't look or lie again.

I just cant help thinking of all the lies he's told over the years to portray this image and I feel so hurt :( I feel like I can't trust him and I dont want to plan our wedding. I dont want to cuddle him or get undressed infront of him or anything. I feel so sad and I dont know what to do :(

View related questions: boobs, cheated on me, crush, fiance, wedding

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A female reader, lastexit United States +, writes (8 August 2018):

Asking him who he fancies that often, even casually, proves your insecurities. On the other hand, actively seeking your friends, degrading pics, etc. is disrespectful and can be hurtful. As he says, he is acting like a teenage boy.

You would be wise to postpone your wedding plans until you both get this sorted out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2018):

Ahem...

answer to this question!

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + ?, writes (4 August 2018):

"Innocent boyfriends and husbands don't hide their calls and don't delete our messages; because there is no reason too"

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2018):

It's normal for couples in a committed relationship to be attracted to others. You do appear to be insecure with your questioning of what celebs, friends, models, etc. he fancies. However, I do think it's disrespectful and hurtful of him to actively seek out photos of your friends and degrading pics of women on instagram. My guess is he wouldn't like it much if you did the same.

How does he treat you otherwise? Does he compliment you, tell you when he thinks you look beautiful? Is he excited about being with you sexually? It's important for Women like to feel their partners are attracted to them.

Considering the way you feel now you should definitely postpone your wedding plans. Think about it in a calm manner and decide if you can regain your trust in him and live with the way he is. There might be a few women who would give their right arm for someone like him, but there's many women who would not want to be with a man who acts like "a teenage boy" on instagram.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2018):

It's normal for couples in a committed relationship to be attracted to others. You do appear to be insecure with your questioning of what celebs, friends, models, etc. he fancies. However, I do think it's disrespectful and hurtful of him to actively seek out photos of your friends and degrading pics of women on instagram. My guess is he wouldn't like it much if you did the same.

How does he treat you otherwise? Does he compliment you, tell you when he thinks you look beautiful? Is he excited about being with you sexually? It's important for Women like to feel their partners are attracted to them.

Considering the way you feel now you should definitely postpone your wedding plans. Think about it in a calm manner and decide if you can regain your trust in him and live with the way he is. There might be a few women who would give their right arm for someone like him, but there's many women who would not want to be with a man who acts like "a teenage boy" on instagram.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2018):

I don’t normally offer advice on here because I’m sure it would be inadequate compared to the aunts on here however I really felt the need to respond to this.

Firstly I don’t know if you did or not but as you said yourself you are not nieve to the fact that 99.999% of adults are attracted to various members of the opposite sex so I hope when he told you he wasn’t attracted to anyone else instead of saying aw babe your so cute you responded with are you for real I love you but I have a celeb crush on whoever your crush is . If not you only have yourself to blame because your silence/non admission to being attracted to the opposite sex makes you just as complicit in the lie as him. I think some of the words on here are pretty harsh. I’ve been with my boyfriend 10 years he watches porn and tells me his celebrity crushes some of them resemble me slightly some are a diiferent race altogether. I really love blues and jazz but sometimes I just fancy listening to something different doesn’t mean I like it better. if I was you I’d be more worried about your reaction to it than the fact he is attracted to other woman. Like you said you’ve known all along he’s obviously attracted to other women. I do believe you have more of a problem than you admit because what you could have said is you can keep looking at the pictures if you like them just don’t lie but judging by his promise to “stop it” that was not your response you had an oppertumity to strengthen your relationship and you chose the wrong direction. I would advise you to either make your partner feel comfortable with the fact he’s attracted to other women and be open with you about it or break up with him and date a lamppost.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2018):

I think on your part there has been some naivety and low self esteem if you seriously thought your boyfriend would not find other women attractive and the fact he does has knocked your confidence.

I understand to a certain extent that you don't want to know he is looking at other women in any capacity, I don't like to think mine would if I sat and really thought about it. I ask my partner sometimes if he looks at other women famous or none and he says no but of course I know that he does and when I ask it is tongue in cheek because I fond men attractive, in the grand scheme of things it means nothing that he would look.

I believe my boyfriend is faithful and thinks I am beautiful in his eyes, there are other women far more attractive than I am but guess what, he loves me for who I am and I am sure your boyfriend feels the same for you if all these years you have had no issues with trust.

For your own sake let go of this and try not to make it into something bigger than what it is, we are in the modern era where people have access to pictures and where people are vain, it means nothing and is not a detriment to how he feels for you.

If you love him and you feel he loves you be confident in that and let this go, I am sorry but whether you like it or not he can find other women attractive, if all you have found is proof he looks at above board pictures it is not a big deal and if it is you can lay down your law but you know full well regardless that he does AND IT DOESN'T MATTER!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2018):

Ugh, I've been where you are and it is not a good feeling. The thing I find most troubling is him looking at your friends profiles for sexy pics. In my experience that was a dealbreaker at the time it happened to me, because that crossed a major line. I, too, understand that of course men are human and may find your friends attractive, but to spend that much time thinking about/ stalking your friends or mutual acquaintances online does cross a big line for me. Having said that, I think that many men do it and hide it, and, admittedly, looking at celebs and porn (which many men do at least occasionally) isn't really any different, it just feels less personal then the friends thing.

All in all none of it is a good feeling. I think that it has become an addiction/ fascination for him to be doing it almost daily. Again, this sadly is probably pretty common in our social media fuelled world, but that doesn't make it right and it certainly is troubling. I would postpone the wedding and get some counselling, while considering whether you want to continue this relationship.

If he is going to be constantly obsessing about online women and/or has a porn addiction I think you need to consider if this is for you.

This has nothing to do with you though, so try not to blame yourself for not being attractive enough (Again, been there, it is a dark road). It is his issue and he has to be willing to honestly work on it. Saying he will never do it again is not realistic if he has been doing it that often.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2018):

Both men and women are attracted to others even when in a committed relationship. I do think you show your insecurities by asking him, when it comes up, if he fancies certain celebs, friends, etc. In fact, though you say otherwise, you seem to question him quite often. However, I don't think I would like it if I found my fiance was actively searching for my friends, bikini models, etc. online or on instagram. That's immature, disrespectful and can certainly be hurtful.

Does he compliment you, tell you when he thinks you look beautiful, express appreciation for your figure? Does he find you sexually exciting? If your answer is yes, then you need not feel insecure. If he doesn't do those things that make you feel special and attractive to him, then you shouldn't be with him.

The way you're feeling now, you certainly should postpone planning the wedding. Don't go into a marriage feeling sad and distrustful.

There might be a few women out there who would give their right arm for someone like him. On the other hand, there are likely men out there you might find who would not be acting like teenage boys on instagram. Don't settle.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 August 2018):

Please call-off the wedding! You're too immature and insecure for marriage.

I think you should stay perpetual boyfriend and girlfriend; until your insecurity puts an end to it. Why waste all that money on a wedding; only to divorce in say, about 2.5 years tops?!! After punishing him the entire time for being MALE AND HUMAN!!! Holding him responsible for YOU placing YOUR insecurities ahead of your common-sense!

Girlfriend, you need some tough-love! Let me knock some sense into you!!!

You want to justify and excuse yourself by making him out to be a liar! He said what you wanted to hear; because in that whole eight years, he dedicated his heart to you. By your own admission, he was faithful and true to you.

You make-up some cockamamie excuse for snooping into his phone and spying on him. I'm so happy you found exactly what you were hoping for! A reason to sabotage the relationship!

Overcome by your vanity, and being the evil queen with the magic-mirror; finally she's discovering she isn't the fairest of them all!

I would have given you side-eyes when you kept asking questions about bikini models and celebrity-crushes.

OH MY GOSH! You should be so surprised after making these very suggestions, and filling his brain with it!

Wouldn't it be a total hoot, if he put it all there anticipating that you'd be spying?!! As I'm sure you have dozens of times! Insecure women can't help themselves, it's what they do! Spying and suspision is their M.O.(Modus Operandi)!

They want their men to become eunuchs; and denounce their heterosexuality towards females! They must only have eyes and attraction to only one female in the whole galaxy! Behavior only appropriate for someone half your age!

Call-off the wedding! Don't waste all that money; nor his, or your time!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2018):

He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Poor man. Listen. MEN LOOK!! Every single man on the face of this earth looks at images of other women. If you can't handle that fact, then don't be in a relationship.

You ask him questions again and again.....do you fancy her? Which of my friends do you find attractive, who's your celebrity crush? On and on. I would not and never have asked a boyfriend or a husband of mine who he fancied other than me. It's a recipe for disaster. Because being in a relationship doesn't make you impervious to other's charms. And your rather wiser fiancé knows that you won't like that and so answers in the way you want.

If he said, 'Oh I fancy @@@@@ off Love Island and I really like @@@@@ your best friend and I fantasise about the woman over the road', you'd go crazy!!

He knows that and so keeps quiet and makes up stuff to keep you happy. It is a fact that people still find others attractive whilst in a relationship, but we don't tend to talk about it. Because while others may well be attractive and catch the attention of our significant others (male or female, works both ways), the qualities of the person we are with, plus the fact that we obviously found them sexually attractive in the first place, keep up faithful.

If, however, our other halves are always looking for a reason to stir up trouble, as in asking who their partner fancies constantly, then that can get a little tiring. Especially if they then snoop and accuse about something that is entirely normal.

As the others have said, he wants to keep you happy, he has promised not to do it again, again to keep you happy and he sounds like a good bloke.

MEN WILL LOOK!! It's all out there and they will look at it! It's if they start to try to arrange hook ups and start affairs that the trouble starts. But your fiancée has done none of that, so for goodness sake, give him a break. It sounds as if he only REALLY has eyes for you. You're the one that he wants. But if you carry on like this, that could start to change.

You know what's really attractive to a man? Confidence and you not giving much of a damn about the fantasy pictures he looks at, because you've got too much going on in your own life to worry about such things. Be busy, interesting, independent and confident and he will be more interested in what you're doing than if you're behaving as you are now.

Not that it sounds as if you have anything to worry about. This is normal behaviour for a man. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, doesn't fancy you. It just means he's a bloke. And he said what he did, to keep you happy. Promising not to do it again, means he's crazy about you. Keep it that way. Good luck.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (6 August 2018):

Tisha-1 agony auntIs the wedding date close? Because if it is, you will need to put it on indefinite hold, until you get yourself sorted about this.

I’m surprised he’s planning to go through with the wedding as you clearly aren’t keen nor do you trust him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2018):

I agree that your insecure and should work on that butnthe bottom line is that lying is never ok and this is lying . It's the typical sort of lies many guys will tell women in order to misrepresent themselves and appear as better people , people who are less concerned with the superficial and more focussed on their partners

It's interesting because we live in a world that will almost always blame the woman and 'her insecurities ' when a man does this because no matter what women are expected to tolerate and be ok with men's behaviour and objectification of women and expect it . If the woman 'makes ' the man lie it's somehow her fault , if the woman falls for his lies it's also her fault . Comone ladies don't you know that finding others attractive is synonymous with pirn , objectification and leering . Grow up and stop being ao sensitive ' is the message women are given

Just talk about it and discuss why he lied maybe that will help . I don't know how to stop men

Lying about this and the things many constantly seem to lie about

Lie about . They will blame women instead of take responsibility but when I grew up we were taught that it's our choice whether we lie or not

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDo you know what I feel sad about? That YOUR insecurity is ruining what has probably been a good relationship. Certainly I ASSUME it has been good if you have plans to marry this man.

Just because someone is in a relationship does not mean they instantly cannot find anyone else attractive. What they actually DO about it is what is important. He has only been looking. He has not been messaging. He has not been meeting up. He has not been cheating.

Give this poor guy a break. He is obviously terrified of upsetting you, hence tells you what you NEED to hear. Don't kid yourself that you are not bothered about him looking if he is honest with you. You have obviously given him the impression that you are VERY bothered.

You have a man who bends over backwards to accommodate your insecurities. He is only human. Appreciate what he does for you and stop snooping on his mobile. If you can't get past this, cut him loose and let him find someone who will appreciate what a good guy he is. There are plenty of women who would give their right arm for someone like him.

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