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My fiance accuses me of cheating, he's also immature, how can I cope?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2007) 29 Answers - (Newest, 31 January 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My fiance is always asking me if i'm with someone else and it sucks because i am always so honest . I feel as if it's his past that makes him insecure (his player lifestyle)..well sunday i went over to talk to him about it..and again he began with the comments..and it makes me cry cuz it hurts he would doubt me..then my phone rang it was my classmate a female calling in regards to a group project i told him and he responds yea right prob one of your men. I got real upset and as i cried he laid in bed laughing ! Ijust stormed out - and today he texted me talking to me like i'm his boy . I told him to not call me until he learns to respect me and treat me right and he replied don't worry i wont call! Will he ever grow up? (he's 28) what do i do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

Hello this is to anonymous writer that wrote in January responding to my question:

It has been 9 months since I left and let me tell you I feel like a new person, I am doing way much better in school, getting A's , doing better at work , and my relationship with my parents, sister, and friends (even made new ones!!) is the best ever. It was the toughest thing i ever had to do, i didnt use a rebound nothing did it all by myself and am soo happy when i think back on how nasty he used to be and how stressful the relationship was. I know i tried, I prayed, I went to counseling with him, did everything possible but i am not going to keep trying for the rest of my life...one day i will get married but it will be someone who appreciates me and respects me for who i am and not trying to mold me into a trophy wife that only says ok dear to everything. i wish you the best of luck in your dilemma, i know how hard it is but always remember that you have to be happy, its your future your life and never settle. And dont be worry if youll ever meet someone blah blah...you will you really will...i still havent but i am finidng out who i am from what i had lost in being in such a horrible relationship....good luck to you and i hope things work out for you !! you sound like a great person, and deserve nothing but the best :) xoxox0

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

I am engaged and in a similar situation. My fiance has continually turned innocent situations into arguments. He continues to accues me of having other interests or intentions when I don't call him exactly when he expects. I have told him that I do not respond well to his tone or accusations and feel that he has trust issues. I have called off our engagement once already due to his (4 hour+) long rampages about how hurt he is that I didn't call at a time he would have certainly called. I am and always will be faithful to my relationships. He still, after 2 years, contiues to get into his moods of doubt which cause horrible memories and lonely evenings.

He is 34 years old, and I suppose has still not recovered from his highschool girlfriend lying and cheating on him. Counseling and time have not changed his ways and thoughts. I feel on edge sometimes when I'm looking forward to a lovely fun filled evening, because I don't know which man is going to pick up the phone or be there. I sick and tired of the rollercoaster and all night arguments. I have taken off my ring tonight. He needs to face his fears and stop taking them out on me. My job and life has enough stress already, I certainly don't need my husband to be to add to it. Give him a chance but not too many. If a lesson isn't learned after a year, I figure it's a lost cause. I'll say a prayer for him and myself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

yes definitely....i mean if say he doesn come around and we are going to work on it....work has to be done because i am too young for this drama and too young to be going through this emotional rollercoaster..i know i have my little attitude but im aware of it and i work on it....im helping myself....not waiting for someone to help me...soo if i can do it then he should be able to see what he needs to work on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

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exactly ... its like telling him hey its ok you can talk however you want and get me wound up so i look like the crazy one...and i dont want to do that this time...i rather deal with my feelings and hurt alone then do that....he is going to be 29 he knows what he wants in life and if that includes me he will come around....its the moment of truth...sucks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

well i havent called him.....but i see what your saying he does do that winds me up and then when i get irrational makes me look like im the crazy one!! i hate that because then i am second guessing myself.....and i know i was wrong but that is why in a civil manner i apologized and offered to replace the phone....y cant he admit when hes wrong.....im trying to be strong but omg it gets harder..and im waiting here like an idiot watching the phone but nothing...this sucks!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

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ok now what do i do though??? i dont think he is going to cal lme and i tried and over and over again he reponded being rude and nasty!! then he has the nerve to say i let another day go by without seeing him!!! what did he expect for him to talk to me like shit and then me pop up at his house!!! that was sat now its tuesday and nothing have gotten nothing from him...and im afraid he wont call or try and wow that really hurts and sucks because then what did i really mean to him ? can he really just leave things like this and walk away? and i guess if he does well then i know he just wasn't that into me....i hate this waiting time...i hate it...but i feel like ive put my heart out there soo many times and all he did was trample it and make me hurt now...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

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ohh and my other concern is if we get by this is possible that counseling can help us get back on track??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

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well guys here is the update sat night he started texting me and left me a voicemail that said he couldnt believe that i let another day go by without seeing him!!!!

soo he is waiting for me to go over there like i always do after an arguemtn!! well that was sat now its mon night and i have gotten nothing....i forgot to mention on sat i did not respond back or anything because the times where i did text him was to work things out and like i said before all i got was a whatever and its my fault and im unappreciative and he can do better....soo i dont get it....i know he wants me to go look for him but why me...why not him...y is it always my fault??? all he has on me is that i broke his phone..but he acts like i just came out and did that....its not fair! and i already apologized and offered to buy a new phone..y can i apologize and he cant? im soo frustrated and lost...its like im just waiting...but for what.....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007):

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thanks your right i should just lay off for now......ohh and fade funny you say that but this it my second boyfriend and let me tell you this is nothing compared to what i have been through....as for my parents they are great the marriage they have is what i want in the long run.....guys i miss him and its soo sad because he has no median he is either a great guy and just soo caring or just nasty its like once he gets made he is someone else....just really mean....i tried therapy two different ones its the same stuff i hear over and over.....im soo lost and confused.....im only 23 and i just want to be happy....

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A female reader, Oblivia Sweden +, writes (2 November 2007):

Oblivia agony auntHi,

I understand why you are so hurt by this, it sounds really tough. You mention in one of your updates that you wonder why this is all your fault, well it isn't all your fault. You are two in this relationship and it doesn't seem to me as if he is open to deal with this at all right now, whereas you actually made attempts to talk. Don't blame or judge yourself too hard over this. Cry as much as you need, it is good and will release some tensions in you around this (even though I understand at work it is not very comfortable to cry). Do you have any good friend who you trust and can talk with about this? Someone who is YOUR friend, not his? If you do, ask her/him to be your back up and every time you feel like contacting your fiance you call your friend instead. I think that for a while now you shouldn't contact him at all since it all seem very infected right now. Wait a couple of weeks, sounds like ages i know, but this time will help you clear your mind so that you know better what you want and how you want to express this to him. Hopefully he will have calmed down a little during this time as well so that he will be able to listen to you and talk constructively instead of just throwing hurtful words at you.

Hope I managed to give you some empowerment! Best wishes!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

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yea but omg you should read these messages he keeps blaming me!!! i try and try but he just keeps saying all these hurtful things...and to top it off....i found out that he has even admitted to his friends that he treats me badly!!! how can you admit that and be okay with it !!! and never accept responsibility for anything you do??? i cant keep crying at my job everytime he decides to be nasty and text some crap like he does...i had to run to the bathroom before anyone saw me! what do i do?? i feel like why do i keep on trying??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

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and fade your absolutely right im not strong...i try to convince myself i am...but i know my weaknesses...and being strong is one of them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

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well guess what happened....i sent him a text just telling him we have work to do...well not a surprise i might as well have sent that text to a complete starnger because he simply said that he is doing nothing wrong and his actions are a reactions to me....and told me that HE deserves better! well so i told him he feels like that then he shouldnt settle told him no hard feelings..and that was that...he sent me two other messages but i dare not read them because he will say things that are hurtful and i just dont feel like getting upset over nothing anymore....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

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thank you very much for the help....if i hear from him i will let you all know how it went. thank you..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

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ahh i miss him soo much!!!! this has been an ongoing issue and i just feel as if i dont stand my ground he will continue this!!! omg but it just sucks to think that he might just not even care or bother to call!!! but doesnt that tell me alot...like well say he doesnt call or anything doesnt that mean well he didnt care that much to want to fix things? and im just tired of everything being my fault! im haning in there not all upset just trying to keep busy or sleep...but it just sucks :(

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A female reader, Oblivia Sweden +, writes (1 November 2007):

Oblivia agony auntHi,

Nobody can tell you how long to wait or what to do, you must decide this for yourself, but my advice would be not to wait much longer, maybe actually not at all. Because as Fade878 says, this is abusive behaviour. I agree that this behaviour probably originates from him being hurt maybe both as a child and as a grown up, and maybe even by you, but he is a grown man today and he DOES have a responsibility for his actions. Nobody can hide behind bad childhood or other bad experiences and get away with bad behaviour forever. Even though there might be explanations to why your boyfriend talks like this to you, they are still not a good excuse. Either he will learn one day what he looses when doing this, or he might not, but he can't escape responsibility for his actions. And it might not be your task to teach him, since you must also take care of your own heart. You are very right in being angry with him now and I think you should talk to him only face to face in a neautral place, as I said before, so that it will be clear to him he can't treat you badly no matter what he has been going through before.

It feels to me that you are a strong person so I'm sure you will be able to make good decisions about this, whatever you decide to do. Don't let anybody make you believe you are a bad person. It is not the same as never see your own faults, but to keep your self esteem in a difficult situation.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

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it sucks though...i feel as if he is so used to me coming around after arguments that he feels as though he doesnt need to do anything...im real upset though...im confused i don't know if he is ever going to call or if he even cares to know what happened...i know he knows im not cheating but i cant contnue to get blamed for things i do not do...im not like that and he knows it....and then to top it off when he did text me he talked to me like i was some guy on the street! i mean im 5 years younger and i still talked to him in a civil manner!! i just am tired of always making the first move...why cant he be the bigger person for once and say hey lets talk it over....but then again if he doesnt feel the need to it tells me what i really mean to him...because would you just walk away from someone who is good to you?? im confused..i want him to see that i am strong and that when i ask him to stop doing something especially something like accusing me of that i mean it....he never takes me seriously ive asked him on several occasions to not say or talk to me like that because iam not that type of girl soo what does that say about him when ive asked him to do something as simple as that and he continues too! to top it off the way he says it you would think he is talking to the town tramp and thats just not respectful or fair to me....how long to i give it until i should really get it through my head that he has made a choice and doesnt want this anymore?

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A female reader, Oblivia Sweden +, writes (1 November 2007):

Oblivia agony auntI know! This is really bad because it leaves you feeling hurt because of what he did AND hurt over the fact that you can't get through to him to make him understand how how disrespectful his behaviour is and how bad this is making you feel. Your fiancee is supposed to make you feel good, not like cheap trash! Even if it's true that he might be hurt because you turned him down to move in, he should have more respect for your feelings. It sounds now like he is black-mailing you saying that as long as you don't do what he wants and move in with him, he will continue accusing you of cheating and the only way for you to prove to him you're not is for you to give in and do as he wish, to move in. I say black-mail because I think he knows you are not cheating, he just wants to force you to do what he wants. Imagine what it will be like next time you will make important decisions about your life together, will he ever take your feelings into consideration? I think you will be ok though, because you sound like you are really angry and that is just the feelings you should have now towards him. Don't give in and don't have long text conversations with him. Say that if he wants to talk things through, you can meet him at a café or over a lunch (or other neutral place where he has to behave somewhat) to talk about it, but no more texting.

Keep the empowered feeling, you DO deserve to be treated better than this.

Take good care!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

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okay this is my problem now...i feel as if he wont be calling me..i dont want an apology i want him to realize that sometimes he treats me wrong and talks to me in a way i shouldnt be talked to....but what if he doesnt call?? i mean i know they say if he really cares about you and i mean we are engaged could he really just walk away and not look back? and if he does is that just a sign?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

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well i got a text message from him....we had a joint cell phone account he text me and said disconnect it and i will pay the fee and bill....i kept it short and said i will take care of that ....he replied good...then he asked if i had taken his mps player and chain (which i did when i was upset i just started grabbing stuff and took it ) i replied yes sorry about that ill return it and he said no i dont want it just wanted to know if u took my stuff....then i offered to leave it at his job and he replied with no dont come to my job just go kiss your boys at your job!!! see how mean he is jsut always talking to me like im nothing...im really hurt im soo afraid he wont come back...and to top it off im at work trying to hold my tears back.....what do i do?? is it over??? help me!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

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i see what your saying...no you were alot of help thank you...now just have to wait to see if he calls me

thanks again!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

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in regards to the moving in issue...i try to understand and ive spoken to him about it and even try to compensate as much as i can to make him happy! but sometimes i guess it really gets to him and its downhill from there :(

he doesn't see what he does with these dumb arguements it really sucks because we r good together and his frustrations get in the way...and make him a not so nice person. i love him so much and i want nothing but for us to work it out....just not going to give in and call him and make a move that he should be making this time around....he shouldn't of laughed at my feelings and i find it soo distespectful for him to talk to me in that manner telling me ohh is that one of your men??? he knows i have morals and values and him talking to me like i go around the block is just not nice.

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A female reader, niki0 United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2007):

i have just been through the exact thing i feel that sometimes a person will accuse you because they may be guilty themselves. you no what they say a relationship should be built on trust and if he cant trust you and is so immature he isnt worth the hassle i sure there is somebody out there who you could be more happier with. x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

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Thanks everyone for your input i really appreciate it!! Like one of you say Im going tostand my ground...well i haven't heard from him and it sucks but I'll be ok....

one of you guys says i hurt him the past ...well he is having a hard time because he want me to move in with him and i simply don't believe it is the right time for me to do soo...soo he is always picking at me and getting upset because i don't live with him..and its a dumb reason to act the way he does! well thank you and i'll keep you all updated on my dilemma ! :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

Why are you still with this nerd??? He is totally disrespectful. He say you were upset and he just laughed. Walk away now while you are still intact mentally. He will grind you down in time until you have no confidence and self esteem left. Get rid of him now.

take care

xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

I think you should leave this disrespectful controlling fellow. He accuses you because he is the cheater. That's one of the red flags honey. He is projecting himself. He is trying to accuse you of the thing that he feels guilty for.

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A male reader, dapone 1 United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2007):

dapone 1 agony auntHello.

I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad time with your bf, he is not a nice person for a great girl like you to be with, he has made it clear that you are not loved by him, he is just using you as a play thing that he can just throw away at a moments notice, when some one has been a player they will never settle down, they treat woman as they would wipe dirt off their shoes, it is more than likely that he is seeing other woman that is why he is always on at you about other men, it is because he wants to belittle you at every chance he gets, and the more you go back to him the more he will make you life a misery, why do you let him get away with treating you this way,you should be with a guy that adores you, not a guy that plays with your emotions, what type of a person would just keep laughing at you, and not listen to a word you say, then upset you again, and again.

Now is the time to look into yourself and find the real person you are, and ask yourself do i deserve all this BS, from this low life you are wasting you time with him, it is time now to get smart and dump this pile of human waste,

you only have one life sweet heart why waste it on this nomad, he is going nowwhere,but you are just starting the journey of your life, get rid of him and start again with a guy who will love you and respect you for who you are, do not waste any more time on him, or you will regret the day you met him when half your live has passed away, and he is still giving you the BS.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

If he laughed while you were crying, he's obviously not a good guy for you. He doesn't take your emotions seriously now, and he never will if this keeps up. Leave him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

well, in all honesty he may never grow out of this. and we learned in psychology that people who think this way, are generally cheaters themselves. maybe not now, but he has been in the past.

anytime you make a stand, and give someone an ultimatum, you better stick to it or else all seriousness in the future may be blown off as well. dont take shit from this guy. if he moves on, then good riddance right! if he comes back sobbing, then you have done a great job at keeping your respect where it should be.

remember...dont break down.

best of luck

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