A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What can i do to overcome what my family think? My family just met the guy ive been dating for quite some time, particular circumstances prevented me from introducing him to my family earlier.My boyfriend is amazing treats me like gold however he is of a different nationality to me, and in my family's eyes isnt the best looking, and they beleive i coiuld do better.I find it hard to fight for my bf when it comes to my family, it kills me when they speak bad about him, it makes me feel so uneasy inside, however i never say a word coz i feel to overwhelmed with what they have said to me.Initially i have to admit i wasnt completely attracted to my bf when we just met, but he grew on me, and i couldnt imagin myself with anyone else. Over time he has put in so much effort to change certain things to please me, both mentally and physically. But according to my family he is not very attractive and is not the same race as me, therefor i should try meet other guys, but i dont want to.Im just after some friendly advice to help me decide what to do, am i being to sensitive? whats the next step to take..? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): \m/J.D\m/, I think you're looking at "change" in a superficial way. Often times I see and hear people say, "S/he should love you for who you are. Therefore, you need not change for anyone." - this statement is outdated and narrow minded.
For any relationship (career, business, intimate, friendship, family, etc) to progress, change and upgrades will be inevitable. Sometimes, if one partner desire something or someone greater than the tidbit obstacles of him or herself, then change and upgrading is essential in attaining that something or someone.
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As for the issue at hand, it is too easy to say that we should not let other people influence the choices we really want in life. I do agree with this. Unfortunately, we are constantly being influenced by both common and local society. Common society being the world in which we were brought up and local society being our friends and family, as well as our immediate neighbors.
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What you 'should' do is assess your relationship with other people, including your family, friends and your lover. Take a look at how far and how deep of a connection you can create with each of these individuals. Look at the positives and negatives of these connections and see which one are the ones that matter to you the most, then work down from there.
If your boyfriend is at the top of that connections' list, then remind yourself that other people down that list are less important and more trivial. The lower that list, the more secondary and trivial those individuals are.
In a more 'solid' way in approaching this, know that the ones that 'should' matter to you most in your life, are the ones that support AND criticize you constructively. Your family dictating that "you are better than him" is not constructive criticism. It is blatant shallowness without good reason.
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To sustain one's own will, you need to be sure of yourself, even if the future is foggy. Just look to your side and you may find your beacon of light is just beside you, guiding each other into that future.
A
female
reader, beachbabe  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 Girl, never break up with the one you love because of what your parents, family or friends think. They dont know how wonderful the person is. dont throw away your love.
xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): With age comes life experience and wisdom. With children, a parent knows who is compatibly suited. Okay, here is the deal with nationality. When two get married and have a child, the grandparents don't want the parents arguing with the child around. Two different nationalities, or where one is extreme will have ways about the home or raising the child. The child may only eat certain foods, have a belief, the other doesn't. It is hard for one to follow the other when they have been raised with things. E.g. Your husband may say no-one can eat bacon. That's hard for you to change, especially with 100 other things. So couples go on conversion courses to understand and learn each others customs. It is something that is difficult.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 honey at the end of the day your family should but out of your life if this guy makes you happy and they see he does then that's all that should matter to them your happiness it's got nothing to do with them!
they're not the one in a relationship with him you are!
i have the same issues with my family no guy is good enough unless he's really well paid and like got a car and a house sort of thing!
i think pfft! if i am in love with a guy then i'm not going to let that go because my family disapprove!
honey this is your life! if you love him or want to be with him and even see yourself being with him for a long time then stay with him SCREW what your family say! at the end of the day it's your happiness they should care about nothing to do with what colour he is or what he looks like!
not all about looks in life personality the way to go.
don't listen to them hon!! your life your relationship they shouldn't tell you who you can and cannot date!
Hope this helps :)
pop me amessage you want to talk further :)
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (18 August 2009):
 first of all one thing stood out to me, you say hes changed so much emotionally and physically for you... why would you want the person you love to change who they are to love them? i think thats a little bit unfair and selfish, would you want to change who you are in order to gain your partners approval? just my initial concern here and i my be misinterpreting what you are saying slightly and if so i apologise. ok, onto the actual reason you asked this question, you are happy with your bloke, you want to be with him, you love him, you cant imagine yourself from been with anyone else... so WHY let other peoples opinions of him ruin or interfer with what you two have? is it them in the relationship with him or you? unless they can come up with a damn good reason other than his ethnic group to diminish your relationship then grow a pair and tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. whats it matter the colour of his skin or his looks to anyone else? its you who is with him NOT them. he sounds like a decent guy with a decent heart and you would be silly to let someone elses opinions get in the way of that. your, your own person with your own mind. good luck, JD
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