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My family life is beyond miserable!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2011) 14 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2011)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi, so im 20 years old, and my family life is beyond miserable. at age 13 i learned my mom was cheating on my dad, so i told him thinking it was the best idea. It wasn't, instead he started to rape me and use me sexually as a way to get back at her, it still hasnt stopped no one in my family knows, he also hits me and threatens to make my life hell. I have an amazing bf at the moment and once again my dad and mom are threatening to make my life hell if i stay with him. This guy treats me like a princess.

I want to know am i being rash by planning to pack up my life and never speak to my parents again, all they've done is hurt me, so i feel like a new beginning without them may be best.

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (28 September 2011):

C. Grant agony auntThat's wonderful news -- good for you!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just so everyone knows its been almost 6 months since i moved out of that house, and for once i feel safe.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011):

"im just scared, im also scared admitting to people what has happened"

This is what happens to everyone who has been through this. The fear will last a long time, it will impact your relationships. It will impact your childrearing if you have children. But, there is help and hope. BUT YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. THIS IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH AND SUPPRESSING IT DOES NOT WORK.

Leave, now, go to a rape crisis center, tell them everything, EVERYTHING. Tell them about your dad, your mom, and your boyfriend, tell them everything. Life will be tough for a while, but get out or it will destroy you.

By telling everything, you destroy the power and hold that the abuser has over you.

Consider reading http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933

There is hope. You have a lot of work ahead of you.

Some guys do leave, when they find out, but not those who truly love you. The worst thing is that you may subconsciously drive him away because of what happened. You can never truly have a good relationship with someone who doesn't know this part of your life, they have to know for the relationship to be full and highly functional. If they can't handle it then they can't be "the one" till they can handle it.

Personal history wise, I'm married to a woman who was a childhood and young adulthood abuse and neglect and multiple rape survivor. We have beautiful children and a home. It started out wonderfully, a beautiful relationship, then began falling slowly apart, and I couldn't figure out why.

It took her 2 decades to tell me what had been done and happened. She was sure that I would leave when I found out, and had lived in fear that I would find out some of this for our entire relationship and marriage. She nearly left me halfway to this point, after we had all our children, thought she was undesirable and THOUGHT I saw her the same way (at multiple levels), and I nearly left her later because I couldn't get her to talk to me about what was wrong.

When the whole sordid mess started spilling out it was startling at many levels. But, I now have that woman back that I married, and for the first time she truly has the man she married fully there.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011):

"This guy treats me like a princess" and that's exactly what you deserve. It was your parent's job to treat you as a princess and they have failed miserably.

Listen to the advice the others here have said. You are 20 and still young, now is the moment to change your life and make it a good one, do it now and don't wait for anything.

I wish you all the best :-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know, everything will change as off beginning of April, thats when everything is going to change. My biggest fear is in doing so im going to loose my brother, now mind you how bad they treat me, theres nothing in this world my brother could do wrong to disappoint them. Im moving out beginning of april and not looking back, im also putting about a 1000km between me and them

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A female reader, lerato29 South Africa +, writes (15 March 2011):

lerato29 agony auntGet out of that house,money is not everything live your parents with it,remove your name from the account change address and phone number and most of all get councelling u deserve better and i am sorry to day this but your parents are evil as for your father he must rot in jail who knows how many children hes done this to,if he can do it to his own daughter was is stopping him from abusing other kids please report him.good luck

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A female reader, Battista United Kingdom +, writes (15 March 2011):

OP no one is going to judge you when you tell them what has happened; that will be the last thing on peoples' minds. They will want to help and protect you, especially your boyfriend. The police should also be able to offer you support, as would your doctor. I would urge you get away from there, and I am glad that you have a plan. Of course it's natural to be scared, but if you get everything organised before you leave then you will have nothing to worry about.

C.Grant also makes a great point about changing your bank account; open a new one and ask your payroll to change where your wages are paid into.

Good luck and please keep us posted; you sound like a strong person and I'm sure you will get through this if you take action.

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A male reader, sam44 Canada +, writes (15 March 2011):

My tear got teary after reading this, not only because you were raped by your own dad for being loyal to him.. but also for carrying this for years all by yourself.

Now here is my advise: GET OUT THAT HOUSE NOW!!! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, it can only get worse. They both ruined your life. Go out to the police and report him, and get a restraining order against them. You will do much better. I am sorry again... no one deserves that. P.S Thanks for sharing, that was brave of you. Goodluck and cheer up:) We dont know you, but know we love and we will the best:)

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (15 March 2011):

C. Grant agony auntYou have a joint bank account with them. You can go to the bank, alone, and have your name removed from the account. If they've already "drained" it, then there's no loss -- they've taken whatever money you had. What you can do is prevent them from access to any money you might get in the future. If your job pays your wages in direct deposit to that account, get a new account (at a different bank) and have your employer change your payroll to the new account. You're legally an adult, so you don't need to have your parents involved in your banking arrangements. Having your employer change banking arrangements it a simple administrative thing.

Even if you don't have a payroll deposit arrangement going, then just go to a bank and open a new account with *only* your name on it. Your parents don't need to know anything about it.

Hon, anyone who judges you is simply wrong. What you've described is no fault of yours. Not in any way. You did NOTHING to bring this down upon yourself. Your bf sounds like a good guy, and maybe he's a good enough guy to accept it. But honestly that doesn't matter. Whether your bf can accept the truth or not, you MUST move on and make a proper life for yourself. But I'm guessing that your bf will help you through even knowing the awful truth. He probably suspects that there's more than you've told him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Its a lot harder then just leaving, i have a cojoined account with them so i cant leave with MY money, theyve literally drained me dry. I have a plan, but im just scared, im also scared admitting to people what has happend, my bf only knows my dad hits me nothing more, im to embarassed to tell him im scared ill be judged.

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A female reader, SweetSmoochy United States +, writes (15 March 2011):

SweetSmoochy agony auntYou are not being rash. I'm not sure why you've put up with it for this long!! Report your father, move, and as C. Grant said, you may want to seek professional help.

One last thing, this wonderful sounding boyfriend sounds like a great support system. Make sure you are the one doing your own healing, however. It isn't his job to do it, it's his job to support you. I'm not saying you would, but many people in your situation develop dependancy issues. That's not a boat you want to be in!

Never settle for anything less than being treated like a lady and a princess :) Best of luck!

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A male reader, Dataluke United Kingdom +, writes (15 March 2011):

Dataluke agony auntYou are very very right to get out of there, get out as fast as you can and don't look back!

Change your address, change your phone number and stay away from your parents.

Please, do this as fast as you can.

All the best, Dataluke

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A female reader, LizBeth United States +, writes (15 March 2011):

You are in a dangerous situation! GET OUT NOW. Pack your stuff, grab your money and go. As soon as possible, get some professional help. The horrible things that you have been through have emotional repercussions that you'll need to deal with.

One side note, put in a change of address at the post office so that you get your bills and other mail. It's not a huge thing, but you don't want them holding onto your stuff.

Best wishes to you. Let us know that you got out and that you're safe, okay?

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (15 March 2011):

C. Grant agony auntNo, not in the least bit rash. The sooner the better. If anything, this move is overdue.

Once you've settled in a new place, please check what counselling services are available. As wonderful as your bf is (and bless him for helping you get out of there!) you're going to benefit from professional help to sort out the horror your family inflicted upon you.

Good luck to you.

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