A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never had a great relationship with my family, and we have never seen eye to eye on many things. They are very oldfashioned in their thinking and they are very narrow minded. I moved out with my boyfriend last year, when I was 20. On my 21'st birthday, we decided we both wanted a baby much more than getting married, so we went ahead and started trying. Naturally, we assumed it would happen within minutes of stopping birth control (why the hell would we have spent all those years frantically avoiding pregnancy if thats not how it worked?) and I'm approaching my 22nd birthday and it still hasn't happened. Doctors have told me for some couples this is normal, it doesn't necessarily happen "just like that" for everyone, and it doesnt necessarily mean there is a problem. But I am so stressed out!!! So much so that it has affected my daily life and work. Looking for support, I told my family. They didn't react well. They were horrified, because we are not married. I said I understood how they feel about marriage, but I said cant you'se see how much having a baby means to me and how much this is killing me? So now I'm having rows and bad feeling with my family over something that just doesn't seem to be happening, so it doesn't even feel worth it. It is just such a hard struggle to go through without the support of my family. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do, if so, I'd be really grateful:) xxxx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 August 2014):
 Ah yes. Femal anon reader rises a good point : can you afford to have a baby at your age ?
It may be more costly than you think.
I checked the UK data for 2013, it says that the average cost is £ 10.526 for the first year of life, then £ 14.505 yearly for years 1-4 ( because of childcare costs, than again you have to pay childcare if you want to hold a job, I suppose ).
That's the national average, of course if you live in or around a big city , it will be more, and if you live in or around London it will be much, MUCH more.
Have you got this type of money already ?...
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 August 2014):
Yes, 1) don't have a baby at 22 from a guy who may be here today gone tomorrow and 2) don't center the whole meaning of your life about having a baby, and this at no age.
I am no big fan of marriage at all costs , and I understand that's not for everyone.
Then again, there's something that belongs to marriage which does not to any other relationship : the solemn, official promise to stand by your side through thick and thin for the rest of your lives.
You may object that this is a promise, nowadays, that's easy to be broken through divorce. True. But at least there is a declaration of intents and of committment that your bf has not felt like doing yet - and that changes a lot his reliability and desirability as a co-parent.
As for stressing out about having a baby, I wish you all teh babies that your heart desires , of course- But please do not make it a mission, or let it become an an obsession. What IF you can't ever have a biological child ? what ,then you are not worth anything, or you can't find happiness in otehr things, or you can't enjoy your life regardless. That's a wrong way of thinking, life is not about breeding and reproducing yourself, you are not prized cattle.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 August 2014):
 Your family thinks you're making a bad decision. Because they are "old fashioned" and you don't think their reasons are justified you expect them to be false because it will make you feel better. Have you considered that their objections might be based more on their 'outdated' values, and also on considerations like those in the first reply?
Your family is giving you the benefit of their honesty. Sometimes that's more valuable than telling you what you want to hear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): You're not going to like my advice, but here goes nothing.Don't have a baby. My reasons are more practical and not grounded in tradition, such as babies are for after marriage. You're turning 22. I'm assuming you started trying for a baby before finishing college or right after graduating with a degree...or before deciding college was going to be a chapter of your life. How are you and your boyfriend doing financially? What are your living arrangements? Your work schedule? Are you unemployed? Will your boyfriend be enough to support you, the baby, and himself in case you are unemployed or will eventually be once you're a mother? Exactly why do you want a baby so much? Because they're cute? Because you want a mini-version of you and your boyfriend combined? Because you think having a baby together will strengthen your relationship? If these are your incentives, I suggest you re-evaluate your reasons. Babies are expensive, time consuming, and tiring. They grow out of their clothes quickly so you'll have to have money to buy new ones. They vomit a lot. They cry a lot. Who among the two of you will be responsible for sacrificing their youth to stay home and raise an infant until it is a walking, talking, critically thinking human being? Just surviving the 9 months of pregnancy is awful. You need to buy new clothes and new shoes for yourself. You will experience morning sickness, strange cravings, mood swings, backaches, etc...You won't have time to hang out with your friends (this will decrease more once you give birth).Sorry. Unless you and your boyfriend together are earning at least 50k a year (some might argue more), I don't know if a baby is for you at the moment.
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