A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've being thinking A LOT about this over the last few months, and it is a painful one.I am from Europe, but living in China, Beijing, and have had a girl friend here for 3 years now.I do plan to stay here and do business here, and it is also time to start thinking of marriage. The issue is the wedding itself, and who to invite.First, I think it would be in China. Maybe we would have one Chinese wedding and one wedding in a church in BeiJng (Christian) The problem is...who to invite?SOME of my extended family, friends and even my own brother do not have very kind words about China and Chinese people, and they border on racist slurs in my eyes. For example:"How are all the poor people in China?""How are the chinks?""Could you find me a Chinese wife?"or in the case of my brother, when my mother bought me a book about China commenting:"what are you doing? are you trying to turn him into a communist?" or always complaining about the quality of Chinese products when anything gets broken (and turns out later not ALL of them were made in China) All this, AFTER I was living in China and had a Chinese girlfriend. I never heard him say any of these things before.Two of my other siblings have use the word "chink" in front of me, even after they knew my girlfriend was Chinese. Only my older sister ever helped me when someone else made a stupid comment, and she is the only one apart from my mother who I would feel comfortable with attending.Now, I can't imagine being comfortable with any of these people (apart from sister and mother) meeting my girlfriend's family, or attending a wedding with them. I would feel not only they, but also I would be being hypocritical by allowing that. They clearly do not respect China or Chinese women, and look down on them.The thing is, those are the type of comments I get when I am around them. When I am not there, I can only imagine what they say, and also can imagine many more people would join in.I think integrity is more important than loyalty. Just because they were/are my friends or family is not a good enough reason alone to be entitled to attend our wedding, is it?On the other hand, I would love nothing more than for all of them to actually educate themselves about China and respect my girlfriend and her family. But that would be very very difficult.What should I do? Should I tell some of these family/friends my feeling? Should I just have a Chinese wedding with my mother and sister attending? Should I try to "heal" those people of their prejudice before inviting them to the wedding? Please let me have your thoughts.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 April 2011):
 when people are ignorant prejudiced you have a perfectly reasonable right to distance yourself from those people who do not share your values, your attitudes.
And just because people are 'family' and share your blood and your genes does not mean you have to endure unacceptable outmoded attitudes.
Such nasty attitudes, such as racism, automatically renders them un-invitable.
This is the bride and groom's day of celebration. You do not need the day ruined by heartless rude racist family members. Fill up the guest list with her family and all her friends and your friends
Invite your Mom and your sister.
As you are such a long way from home no one will see it as a slight that all your family are not present.
Do not feel guilty about this. You correctly
Identified that what the racist members of your family family have forfeited the right to attend. If they did attend they could inadvertently or perhaps even deliberately really cause offence and ruin the wedding.
One day your family may become more enlightened. In the interim your racist prejudiced family need to enter the 21st century
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Invite your family. Don't try to "heal" them. Get them over to Beijing for wedding in the Spring or Autumn. Unless they are myopic Beijing will blow them away and shut their mouths.
Do any of your girlfriend's family speak any English? If not then they aren't going to understand anyway if any of your family are stupid enough to say something rude.
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A
female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Put them right and stand your ground. be firm and tell them you will not tolerate such ignorance, and that you are ashamed of them. Invite them to the wedding if they dont; show, they dont; show . Stay with you Girlfreind. Fight the good fight.x
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