A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why does my family always try to drag me down! I go to visit my Mum and my older brother and sister with my Daughter. My family are always having digs at me and putting me down. I have tried to let it go over my head, but yesterday I told them how my daughter got a excellent result in her class test. They said oh well she's still a wee s***. Which annoyed me as she's only 6. My brother was playing with her and got too rouge so I told him too stop as he was upsetting her. So he had a go at me and so did my Mum. Then my sister started saying really horrible things too me too. I ended up grabbing my daughter and brought her home. My husband seen me when I got home and he said to me "that lot again." He refuses to visit them at all now and told me I need to break ties with them. My Mum has a part-time retail job and brother and sister are both unemployed, single, 30s and still live with my Mum yet so critical and judgemental of me. I'm not perfect but I find it strange people who haven't even began their own life want to dig at mine and being me down. Me and my husband have helped them out with cash when they have needed it, bought them things for the house when they have asked. I give them lifts when they need one as none of them drive, I try and show them I'm here, your my family but nothing is enough. I try to take my daughter to go round as they are my family. But my husband wants me too cut them off. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Rosey07  +, writes (3 June 2018):
I think you should listen to your husband and cut all ties with your family.
As an outsider looking in I would say that they are jealous of you and your achievements and dig at you to bring you down so they can feel accomplished. You should never allow them to do that to you much less your daughter. It's disgusting. Sometimes cutting ties with family is the best thing a person can do you have nothing to loose because they clearly don't appreciate you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): Discontinue the adult child-support payments. Not another penny to that lot! Listen to your husband.
You can't bring a child around an environment like that; when it upsets her to see you so upset.
They dig because you make them feel small. You're living in your own home, supporting your family, and you have a spouse; while living the life of an upstanding-citizen and tax-payer. Not mooching off your mother, and living like a couple of teenage-dependents with their hands-out begging!
You're mature enough to realize why they put you down. You can't be that naive. Look what you represent as opposed to what they're like. Look at the difference.
This is where life becomes limited to short drop-byes and visits on-the-run! "I was just nearby, and stopped-in for a quick hello!" Then out you go like a flash! You've made yourself feel you still have a family; but didn't give them enough time to sink their claws in.
Grow-up! You might start throwing back a few darts, and snarky retorts; and stop being so prissy-missy around them. You're not a five year-old anymore. So being intimidated and dainty under their teasing gives them far too much fun. Push-back before it gets so bad you've got your back to the wall, or you're bleeding from the ears.
You only give them money to make them like you. You see how well that's working for you? Stop it! You're playing sucker and that's all they see.
Video-chat, ring them up on the phone, send greeting cards; or send greetings on social media.
Less and less in-person visits!
Stop flashing cash!!!
Your charity is making them hate you; because you're coming-off like you're their benefactor. It may seem snobbish. They call themselves bringing you down a few pegs for treating them like they're social-services recipients. So let them find work and support themselves like adults are supposed to. When they ask for money; tell them you've decided that's causing them to resent you. No more money.
You want respect; then stop behaving like you did when you were a child. Stand-up for yourself; and stop their bullying behavior BEFORE it gets out of hand.
Stop waiting until they've all piled on-top of you! Show some grit and backbone; or just stay away from them altogether. You can't handle them.
Some simple advice to-go! Don't let your child see you cower under bullies. Never do that! She must feel you can protect her, even if you're shaking in your boots. They're your family, not total strangers. It's not like you don't know these people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): This sounds like emotional abuse to me - insulting you and your daughter in order to degrade you both, so that they can feel less insecure and worthless in themselves. Believe me, I know exactly how horrible families can be when they sense one member is stronger and doing better than them - they will lash out with baseless accusations and insults, trying to bring you down and trying to draw you into arguments and fights that become so messy and confusing that they will then feel more justified in insulting you - it's not so much a conscious strategy as an uneducated and brutal way of trying to control their own insecurities - insult you, cause arguments that get messy and confusing until you lash out in defence, then add more baseless accusations on top of that - "see you are so nasty to us, it's no wonder we react as we do" or "we are all frightened of you because you can be so hurtful, that's why we act defensive around you".
You want to have your family be loving and engaged with your daughter, but they're not because they're not really engaged with anything very much. You won't be able to change them and it would be a mistake to involve your daughter in this situation any more than you absolutely have to - they've already started targeting her as something to hurt you with and, as she gets older, the insults and hurt towards her will only get worse. I had to deal with similar - but much more extreme behaviour - except that it also involved my two sisters completely ignoring my daughter from birth, even whilst knowing her Dad had abandoned us and she basically had no other family except me. What you are describing is not just insults but a neglect to her normal and healthy needs, and the neglect will also become part of what they use to hurt you - it already IS hurting you and it will hurt her more if you try to involve her more in their lives.
I cut myself off entirely from my family, but I wish more than anything I'd learned when I was younger to create a new family for my daughter - as a single mum with no other family and no real friends, I was so busy at work and trying to involve my daughter in things to keep her busy - drama group, brownies, guitar lessons and suchlike, as a way to at least fill the 'hole' created by no family members. If I could, I would have found a new partner, with a nice family of his own, and done my best to integrate with them and to create a great support network of friends. In your situation, your partner is right, I think - but make sure you both think of ways to give your daughter some form of alternative family, beyond just the two of you, and this will help to minimise the pain of her realising, when she is older, that your side of the family are neglectful and abusive. It's up to you whether you cut them off - I would if it were me because I think you simply cannot reason with unreasonable people - but it's ultimately your choice; you could just really minimise the time you see them and drastically lower your expectation of them every being healthily engaged with you and your daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): Citing them off is a good approach. I agree fully with Code Warrior. Just make sure you that if you back away, it is because you feel it is a good idea and that they are toxic, it because your husband tells you to.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (2 June 2018):
These people put you and your daughter down but you still want a relationship with them. Your job a a parent is to protect your child. I assume they have worn down your self worth over the years which is he you continue to let them walk on you.
Over time they will do the same to your daughter unless you have the courage to stop them.
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