A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I desperately need to get this off my chest and see what other people thought. my ex has our 4 yr old daughter every other weekend, and yesterday was one of them. Today i found out he took her to London to meet his new "friend" and they stayed the night at hers! Now bare in mind i didn't know anything about her, our daughter didn't either and his only met her a few times!! I went ballistic, i screamed and chucked him out i just cant believe how irresponsible he was! Fine he wanted our daughter to meet her, fine they went to London, but to stay the night the first time she meets her!?? I feel like i don't want him to have her anymore, i can't trust him. His so selfish Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): My gut instinct says to not believe in the daughter sleeping with unknown boys.
For starters, no ages were given. Also, it would have been a BIG TIME PRIORITY in the original post so again- not buying it.
Time for the courts and counselling like suggested.
Put your Daughters mental well being FIRST.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I didn't see the problem at first. Your daughter is 4years old and will not have a nervous breakdown by staying in a strangers house for a night. Human beings are a lot stronger than that, especially little children.
I also thought that your reaction was a bit extreme. There are probably few cases of new girlfriends you just met, going ballistic, getting an axe and chopping up little 4 year olds.
HOWEVER!!!!! SLEEPING WITH STRANGE LITTLE BOYS! Now that is dangerous. You have every right to be concerned if your daughter was not sleeping with dad or is not sleeping safely alone.
Please calm down, as has been mentioned, people listen more carefully when your less upset. Tell the father that your not happy with your daughter being away from supervision. Remind him that a lot of child abuse happens from other kids. If he's sleeping in a room away from your daughter, he can't know what happens when she sleeps. Four year old children often don't have the words to say what happened, or may not understand if they are hurt or scared in a sexual way. Too much risk of children deciding to play "doctors and nurses", you don't know them, you don't know their mother, so you can't tell.
Ask him how can he think it safe to leave her to sleep with strange boys who are older than her? We have no idea what these children have been exposed to. Ask him not to do it again.. But at this stage, threats and lawyers are not sensible. Just remind him about the possible (not fantasy) dangers.
Your worry is justified where it comes to sleeping arrangements.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Hi
I think the only way to solve it, as you are both dating now, is to take it to court and set out access days. Also talk to him calmly about your concerns.
Say if she's in the pub when he is drinking heavily she would be at risk,so ask if he does that. In fact it would be his 'drink problem' that would concern me,with regard to his 'daddy time' more than anything else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Continuing down this path of holding onto your anger that has now become rage; as supported by the over emotion in your posts and your fault finding words of blame- you show you are unforgiving and wanting to not heal.You want to hurt him. You want him to be wrong and you right. This serves no purpose other than you to feed your prideful nature.You now are on a path where you are about to become another Parent bent on Alienating Her Daughter from her Father. Using your daughter as a tool to Hurt your Ex.That is not true love that a Mother has for her Children. Its selfishness that you are attempting to pass off of having the best interest of your daughter.Doesn't work on the Mothers that do love their children and understand that you uphold doing what is right and best for your Children by allowing them to love and spend time with their Father. Its a very hard but worthwhile sacrifice. I challenged you to do this; work for this admirable standard to live by. This promotes peace and allows for you to seek healthy ways to express, cope, and recover from your tendancy/habit to be RIGHT, CONTROL, RAGE.Your past childhood hurts have clouded your loving judgement. Your past traumas have cost you a relationship.Hate, Anger, Revenge is NOT HEALTHY, its hurtful, destructive.Seek counselling ASAP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): "It was selfish and irresponsible FACT!"
If it's a fact OP then why come here and ask this question?
Seems you've already made your mind up to be honest that he can't take your daughter anywhere at all or have her interact with any strange people because you don't trust him.
Why bother ask if this is how you feel?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): First: Admit it hurt you to see your Ex has found someone.
Two: Realize that was a reality of the consequences of terminating a relationship/marriage. Everyone deserves someone to love and cherish.
Three: Angering at him for living his life; as is his right being he is Human just like you and wants comanionship-attaching unfair meaning to a fact of nature is not helping you. Your anger is hurting you more. Now out of revenge for him hurting you- you want to hurt your daughter also, by taking her Daddy away from her. All because you CHOOSE to be hurt?
Please get some counselling to help guide you to better thought control, to aid you in how to better cope with your feelings of loss, sorrow, ect.
When you realize that anger, a secondary emotion is destructive and can have you make poor choices; you want to NOT hold unto anger. You want to feel the pain but not keep it. Deal with it then heal from it.
Counselling will help you with all of this.
xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk i need to set a few facts straight here. i knew nothin about it
he has only met her a FEW times himself, he asked me to go back to him just over a wk ago! I told him hell no!
Now call me old fashioned but if he had started seeing her for a good few months then sure she can be introduced, not met her first time and made to sleep in a bedroom with two boys (one older one younger)
He should hv seen her in his own time, like i do when i date!
It was selfish and irresponsible FACT!
If i started seeing someone i don't want him to meet my daughter til.Im sure he is ok, and that we are stable enough, is that so wrong!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 December 2012):
 I think ANYONE (mom or dad) needs to take a GOOD LONG time to get to know a new partner (minimum 5-7 months) before introducing them to their children. Because it gets too confusing if the partners are changed out too often.
You daughter is 4, so she was properly just glad to see her dad. I DO think that introducing new partners should be gradually, but if she is used to sleeping over at his place, I don't think sleeping at her dad's GF house is a big deal. However she didn't know that woman at all.
The thing is YOU as the mom really OUGHT to sit down with her dad and make rules for what is OK and what is not, in regards to your child. Not saying that YOU can make all the rules but you two really need to figure out how to do this in a way that makes this EASY for your daughter.
Go see a lawyer, set up visitation and child maintenance and talk to your EX - make this work.
If my husband had done something like this when the kids were younger (if we had split) I would have been furious too. It's a CHILD, not a puppy you can drag around and play "house" with.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Has no one ever told you that jealousy gets you nowhere?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Actually I kind of agree with the others OP, go see a lawyer you need to be taught a very expensive lesson here. He has done nothing illegal and I love the way people assume he hardly even knows her because she lives in a different city, like they've only had access through carrier pigeon and horseback courier. That this was some kind of fling or something. I love the way people throw around she's some kind of tramp or psycho sounds they too are a little jealous of this woman.
He has done nothing illegal, he hasn't put her in harms way anymore than you do when you leave her at a crèche or school with a bunch of strangers, or get a babysitter.
You don't need to trust the people she sees while with him you only have to trust him. I bet if the situation were reversed and he didn't like the fact that you had her around a new boyfriend you'd tell him to piss off and for the record, call me sexist all you want but the proof is there if you need it, you having a man over is far more dangerous than him having a woman over. That's a statistical fact, it's a physical fact too.
There is nothing here and you better get used to the idea that he's going to have friends and introduce your daughter to people you will never meet and never have a chance to vet, that's the joy of being a single mother.
Please, go see a lawyer, see what they say it will be money well spent for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I don't see how that is in any way irresponsible or a big deal OP.
If it wasn't a romantic "friend" would there be such a problem? Of course not, so why is it different because it is? To a 4 year old it was just a fun trip to London and daddy's friend let them stay at her place.
No big deal at all OP. None.
I'm the child of a single mother who had lots of male and female friends that lived all over the place and we went on trips to London, Birmingham, Dublin etc. to see them, stayed the night or week or weekend, went shopping and did all sorts of fun things. It never mattered or even occurred to me how close she was to any of them or what kind of relationship she had with them, they were just fun trips.
Give me one negative consequence to your daughter. Just one OP, give me one bad effect this will have on her. You can't because there is none, so how was it irresponsible?
Seriously OP, you call it irresponsible give me a good valid reason why it was. What danger is there to your daughter in this? I've been that kid I see no danger here, meeting new people and going on trips to new places is awesome as a kid.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 December 2012):
Hi
I could understand you being angry if he had left her there overnight,but he was with her so she was safe.
It isn't ideal to meet somebody who he may not be in a long term relationship with, but it seems he can't give up seeing this woman for the weekend he has his daughter.I dont know how far London is from you but it could be impractical and tiring for a 4yr old,just to pop down for a few hours.
Instead of losing your temper,meet with your Ex and discuss things rationally.But remember your divorced now so your daughters time with him will be in his new life.Your time with her will be in your new life.
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A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket +, writes (3 December 2012):
I actually agree with the OP. I would be very worried if my daughter was in a house overnight with someone that I knew nothing about. On top of that I would be worried that my daughter felt uncomfortable or even scared in a strange house with someone she didn't know. Heck I would be worried if I had a new male partner in my house with her. Even if I was there. You hear too many horror stories.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): "Now bear in mind i didn't know anything about her, our daughter didn't either and his only met her a few times!! I went ballistic, i screamed and chucked him out i just cant believe how irresponsible he was!"Completely understandable and appropriate reaction; by allowing your daughter to sleep under the same roof as his "friend," ex gave a total stranger (to you) unfettered access to your four-year-old while setting a terrible example for her, essentially telling that hopping into bed and engaging in casual sex with virtual strangers is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior.I am admittedly an old-fashioned moralistic old fart, but frankly I am shocked at the nonchalant responses of anon female and anon gender undisclosed readers. Introducing a young child to a virtual stranger single parent then entertains in the bedroom is astonishingly irresponsible, bordering on negigence and child endangerment.Anon gender undisclosed: "Unless you know that this girl he is dating is pyscho, there is nothing wrong."Completely bass-ackwards: OP doesn't know new gf at all, she is a complete stranger so OP dosen't know if gf ISN'T a psycho; ex wouldn't know until gf did something harmful to the child. Ex's knowing the child's mother does not know the person with whom her child is forced to spend the night and still shacking up with her is completely wrong. A four-year-old is suffering because her home with her parents is irretreivably broken up; that dad is taking her along to one-night shack-ups, and by plane, is the height of selfishness, irresponsibility, and dubious morality.OP, I would see a lawyer. Not sure if there's a legal remedy available, but if I were you then I would be seeking any possible redress to prevent this from ever happening again. Ex is displaying shocking and astonishing lack of judgment as a parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Hi. I understand where you are coming from. I wouldnt have been too happy either. Maybe i wouldnt have screamed though. I find people tend to listen and pay a lot more attention if you talk slowly, calmly and quietly. Also it wont distress the children if they happen to be within earshot. Given that your daughter is only 4 years old and the fact that he doesnt really know this woman or her setup, I would have a chat with him when you have calmed down. Explain that you find it unacceptable that he is taking your 4 year old into a virtual strangers home, then presumably leaving her alone, shut in a strange room, while they `get down to business`. It is tacky and also leaves the child open to all sorts of risks. Has he done this in the past, when she was younger? If she was a teenager it might not be so bad but a tot? Sorry it just doesnt sound right to me. Im hazarding a guess your ex isnt too bright as he didnt bother mentioning he was off in pursuit of women for the weekend. So tell him that next time he is away to visit a woman, you will keep your daughter and swap the weekend for one where hes home and can give your daughter his undivided attention. Because at her age and with the limited time she has with him, his undivided attention is no more than she deserves, bless her. If he is meeting these women from dating sites, tell him never to take his daughter to meet them, let alone sleep over. When he has settled for one woman and made a relationship, put aside any resentments or jealousy and be cordial! Some ex`s with children can be absolutely horrendous. So try not to be difficult if he meets someone special to him. Once you have met or talked on the phone, THEN give the go ahead for your daughter to stay over. Both be adult about this. Agree to do the same your end if you are dating too. That way you can both be reassured your daughter is being looked after responsibly and not being exposed to any risks. Her happiness and safety HAS to be the main priority here. So the pair of you get your Sensible Heads on. Talk to each other properly and work out a responsible parental agreement for your child`s sake because it sounds as if one is needed.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Well,it depends. I agree that it sounds like the OP went ballistic out of sheer jealousy, but I am old fashioned in this, I think that children ( and so young too ) should meet their parents' partners when these have actually become steady partners , in view of , or at least with a chance of, becoming that child's stepparent and having a permanent role in their life.
Otherwise, it is confusing ,disturbing and unsettling for a child being exposed to dad's or mom's new " friend"... that in a couple of months could be substitued by a new " friend " , then another then another etc.... Regardless of the fact that , if she is such a new friend, her husband does not know her well himself, for all he knows she COULD be a druggie or mentally unstable or Jack the Ripper's sister.
So yes, your husband was selfish, insofar he put what was more fun and convenient for himself before what was the best thing for your child.
Then again, alas, it is true that as the other parent he has the right to introduce his child to whom he wants, even a drunken one night stand - that's his judgement call to make. So I think all you can do, rather than waging war, is tactfully and reasonably discuss your concerns with him and remind him that the child of a broken family needs as much consistence and stability in her life as she can get, and it is their parents 's responsibility to provide that, also in reference to their
acquantainces and " friendships ".
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol well you are both wrong! I could easily have him back if i wanted to too!I did the dumping coz his alcohol problems and lies. We been seperated over a year now too.He has had another gf before this one it doesn't bother me, what does bother me is that he should not have stayed, not on the first meet! And both i know nothing about her so she could easily be a pyscho. It WAS irresponsible!! What was the problem about leaving? I had a date that night he came a very long way and went home the same night! We had a wonderful time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth wrong!! His already had another girlfriend.i don't care about that at all. What he did was irresponsible!! You do not let your daughter the first time meet stay at their place! He should have let them meet, have a nice day, then home. by the way we have been separated over a year now.I did the dumping coz of his drink problem and lies
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Hi, I actually think you are peeved because of the fact that he was with another woman and not because your daughter slept over with him at the grilfriends. It is normal when he is dating to want to stay over and take his kid to the girlfriends. So do you not stay over at the your boyfriends or not allow him to stay over at your place because of your daughter? One could argue whats good for you should be good for him. Unless you know that this girl he is dating is pyscho, there is nothing wrong. I might be reading too much into this, but you might have unresolved feelings for your ex which you need to work out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Calm down you're over reacting. Big time. Unless your ex has a proven history of keeping bad company (druggies etc) you have to learn to trust him as your child's other parent to be responsible. What he did is not irresponsible by itself. You're just upset that he slept over at another woman's place and your daughter was there too sort of like the other woman taking the place of you.or you're just projecting jealousy onto a convenient situation to disguise it as righteous anger. he didn't do anything wrong. as your child's other parent he has a right to decide who he wants to introduce the child to. You don't get to be a control freak unless he violated an agreement between you or you have proof that this woman is dangerous.
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