A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My exmilitary boyfriend got the idea in his head that I was seeing someone else for sex and he had a meltdown. He shouted in my face like a military seargant and I started pushing him off me and then I asked someone to throw him out!The question is , is it usual to use military tactics like this in civvy street?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2017): op here just to say thank you to those who bothered to reply. It meant a lot to me , especially from those with military connection. I know people repeat stuff thats done to them once they accept it as normal.I pushed him off me because he was too close to my personal boundary and I am not in the army so it is not part of training which is to toughen people up which is why military use that tactic. I found I was incredibly angry which is why I threw him out because I am slow to anger and I know actions in anger tend to have bad endings once you loose control. I promised myself never to use retaliation force if I can extricate myself any other way. This is not for publication though. This is just to say thankyou and to ciar when you ask why? I think the answer is that some people come from the other side of the road and their reality is not the same reality of others and never was and never will be. Thats why I needed to ask because I needed to check which reality it was, as in 'is this normal for military' and the answer was no its not! So now I know that. Also I knew he was treating me as the enemy and going into combat mode and I was getting angry enough to become the enemy so I had to break it up because military guys can be scary sometimes but not as bad as some guys!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): NO! He was being a jealous and threatening jerk!
I'm former military, and I was never taught to use force or intimidation against anyone but the enemy. My training and military-discipline taught me to be brave in the face of danger, respectful of authority, and to do my best at all times. I was trained to control my behavior, maintain a sharp appearance; and to extend military courtesy to my fellow-soldiers, those ranking in command, and especially to civilians. We are representatives of our armed-forces to the public.
Like any type of type of power and authority, it can be abused and asserted at inappropriate times. It is violation of the military code of conduct to intimidate civilians; and he could receive disciplinary action if reported. He used drill-Sargent tactics; because to an everyday-person, they are terrifying! Even a new recruit has to learn to get used to them. He was just a man out of control. Not a soldier!
He is nothing but a bully, and having him removed was a very wise move on your part.
If he has been exposed to battle and trauma, then he should get treatment and counseling for post-traumatic stress. It is a disservice to the very people we love and protect; when we know we need help and don't seek it. If we are advised to get it, and still refuse to; then attribute that to a person who doesn't care about anyone. They were damaged long before they suffered any trauma caused by battle, or battle-fatigue.
Unfortunately, some veterans do seek help; but budgetary-cutbacks and indifference from our governments let potentially dangerous men or women loose into the civilian population.
My apologies for his misconduct, and I hope you don't fault the military for his poor behavior.
In the event he may have endured some psychological-trauma resulting from service in battle; for that, offer him your empathy for his time in service and his sacrifice. Wish him well, as you send him on his way.
By no means must you tolerate his bad-behavior and threatening posture. Battle-trauma or not, that is inexcusable.
You've seen a red-flag, and you should take that into careful consideration. You've been warned of what it could be like, and it might get even worse.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 July 2017):
 That's got nothing to do with whether or not he was in the military. Jealousy knows no military service, gender, or preference. He got in your face because he was jealous and because he wanted to intimidate YOU.
I'm guessing you felt a "military" component to it because his voice might have taken on the "clipped" feel of a commander. It is NOT normal for military men to behave this way. If he was hounding you without proof, then he was airing an insecurity.
Many soldiers who have commanded men do practice a "field" or "command" voice that tends to carry and have that clipped feel to it, but it's not used because they're angry to scream at someone. It's only to give an order. He may have been trying to use that command voice on you because he wanted to be "obeyed", but again, that is NOT normal.
You said you pushed him off of you? Did he hold you down or restrain you?? You had someone throw him out?? If he was pinning you down physically, that's domestic violence. This has nothing to do with the military whatsoever and everything to do with an abusive asshole who happened to have a military background.
Either way, time to drop the guy if he's putting his hands on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): An abusive man behaves like this. If he doesn't seek help to sort out his anger then you should consider whether you stay with him. Being in the military is no excuse to behave that way, and if he tried to use it as an excuse then you suggest he gets appropriate support because it's not healthy for someone to be like that.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 July 2017):
I spent 24 years in the US Army. Your boyfriend's actions have nothing to do with him being ex military. He is a bullying jealous jerk. He needs to be your ex boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (29 July 2017):
 What's 'Military' about this? People behave badly all the time, and that includes making outlandish accusations and shouting in people's faces. Why would you even need to ask this? Do you normally see this in the streets? Is he the only boyfriend you've ever had? And why is he still in your life?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 July 2017):
SOME men do this in an argument because the yelling is VERY intimidating. It's not JUST military men. It's a way to FEEL like you have the upper hand. The louder they yell the more they are trying to convince YOU (and themselves) whatever is said is true. Or they get so loud to make YOU go on the defense because they themselves are doing things they shouldn't. You will just be too intimidated to go there because you are so busy defending yourself from bullshit.
I would say if you have a partner who accuses you often and with absolutely NO proof, then he has issues. Or he is cheating himself.
How can you date someone who doesn't trust you at all? How can he date you? (if he doesn't trust you)
Yelling and pushing are just the beginning of something that sounds very unhealthy.
So if you look at this relationship, where do you see it going? I can tell you... Nowhere good.
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