A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently came out of a five year relationship and we have a child together. However we came to an arrangment of him having our child, but lately he turns up whenever he feels like it and chooses the days that suit him and not me. I don't understand why he can't be civil towards me. I came out of the relationship because he was kind of controlling and argumentive. I have now made a new home for me and my child, but he is throwing abuse at me saying (in his words) "your always going to be nothing" so in other words he is saying I'm worthless, he says I'm not independant which he is right after being with him for so long I lost my confidence and relied on him because I was afraid of him as he controlled all aspects of our relationship. He picks fun at me about me putting on weight, since being with him I put on 4 stone, and he tells me how awful I look at every chance he gets. I obviously feel unhealthy being this weight and want to do something about it but I just don't have any go in me anymore. He is making me feel awful and I really do believe that I am failure and am worthless. He's even making me doubt everything about myself. I just want some advice on what to do
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 May 2015):
 "I just want some advice on what to do"
ok... 1 be kind to yourself... when you are ready you will start eating better and getting some exercise and things will improve healthwise.
two... speak to an attorney and get an order for visitation and child support in place. then when he does not adhere to it you are not the bad guy saying "sorry that's not the agreement and you can't see him"
have the courts garnish his wages so that you don't deal with him about the support payments only the court does.
then you can set up a third party to do the transfer of the child with him in a neutral place so you do not have to see him at all.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 May 2015):
 Time to restrict how much contact you have with this man. Don't always be available for him when he wants to see you/your child unless it is pre-arranged via agreed visitation.
If he texts you don't answer him unless it has directly to do with your child/finances for your child.
When he does come and collect/visit your child make sure that you have another adult present - I am sure that that will curb his nasty comments towards you.
You are not worthless, you are a wonderful caring mom so stop listening to him. He is behaving like this because he has lost control of you - you are your own person - and he probably doesn't like that. Maybe because you are coping so well that he feels inferior and that is his way of retaliating.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2015):
 You'll lose the weight when you'll be good and ready, and you'll do it for your health and for yourself, not for some bozo of an EX whose opinion you should not even listen to. In fact, you know what ?, in every cloud there's a silver lining- maybe it is even a good thing, for the time being, while you are still under your ex's thumb, that he does not find you attractive at your current weight. Otherwise , like so many posters who write to Dear Cupid - you could be convinced in getting sucked in some " sex with the ex " scenario, where he takes you back ( sexually ) ,dumps you again, takes you again and so on and on, until you are bitter, confused and totally hate yourself . At least you are being spared this drama !
You could be spared drama regardless, by posing yourself this simple question : WHO the hell is this guy , that his opinion has to count something ( never mind so much ! ) for you ?
Who is he, your Prime Minister, a potential employer, your bank's president, a potential landlord ?
He is your EX, that's all. So what, even if he thinks poorly of you ?- just think as poorly of him, and you'll be even !!
Moreover ( but that's beside the point ) I don't think he really thinks so badly of you. He is just livid with rage because he is a control freak- and now control has slipped out of his hands. Because he can say all he wants, nevertheless fact is , that you are not living together anymore, you are not sleeping together anymore, he can't make you cook or clean for him, or order you around..
His disparaging comments are his clumsy way of re-establishing control by making you feel like s..t, and I am sorry to see that such a transparent manoeuvre is WORKING. I hope you are too smart for letting it work more, once you realize it comes from HIS place of weakness and has got nothing to do with you as a person.
Yes, set a visitation schedule, through the Court - then limit your communications with your ex to the minimal indispensable and just about your child. Be polite , no need to be hostile, for your child's sake- but nothing more. Just neutral. Offer him, emotionally speaking, a flat surface where he can't sink his nails in.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2015):
 What you DO is go through Child maintenance and set up a visitation schedule. THEN have HIM pick the child up at your mom's or his mom, that way you DO NOT have to continue to take his abuse.
My guess is, HE is MAD that he can no longer control, so he is trying to make you feel worthless, because THAT is how he thinks he can gain control over you.
STOP having these conversations with him.
If he shows up and it hasn't been PRE arranged, DO NOT open the door. Sooner or later he will FIGURE out that you are no longer someone he can abuse and manipulate.
He can't TAKE your confidence if you don't LET him. SCREW what he thinks. HE is not some ORACLE who knows all and and is right about everything. YOU know this, he is your child's father, NOTHING more.
DO positive things for you, if will benefit YOU and your child.
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