A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Summary: Breakup three weeks ago. She blamed it on a couple of mistakes I've made but I know she left me for a neighbour much younger than her. I've been working in another city for a couple of months, which is why she went looking for the new guy. I tried to go back and see her face to face, she didn't let me.--So, after the breakup, I cut all contact with her, but then she started emailing, calling and texting me. I've replied to a couple of emails trying to appear busy and making it seem like I was about to start a happy new life.I'm actually heartbroken, but I've tried my best to hide it. Secretly I keep hoping that she would try to get back with me, but I don't want to be the one begging. So yeah, it's essentially a mind game. A game to get back the love of my life.I'm moving on with my life, though. I'm already getting out of my depression and started eating and sleeping again, and even working. But I don't want to miss a last chance to get her back. I know I'll regret it forever if I do.--Anyway, she has been very persistent. I had to turn off my cellphone because her calls were getting so frequent. At one point I had to reply to some of her emails because she was going to send me my stuff back (she did). It turned into a conversation about the reasons of the breakup. I subtly hinted at the fact that I know she left me for another guy, but she wouldn't admit it. She even lied to me to hide him (she said she stays at home in the evening, I know she goes out with him).At the end of her emails, she always asks my permission to keep emailing me. I always tell her to stop doing it (even though I want her to!). She still does.I recently sent her an email clearly intended to be the last one, in which I apologized for my mistakes, tried to make her feel understood and prove to her that I had changed for the better, and then said goodbye and pretended to be happy without her. I also told her, once again, to STOP CONTACTING ME. I politely said that I still had feelings for her and didn't want to be her friend - but of course, I didn't mention the fact that I want her back as a girlfriend.Her reply was very affectionate, nostalgic and praising. Once again, she asked my permission to keep emailing me.--Anyway, all this drives me crazy. We're giving each other mixed signals, we're both lying and I don't like this.But I'm afraid that if I let her know the truth, that I want her back, she's going to run away. And if I ignore her, she'll eventually go to her new guy for the attention she wants.I don't want to make the wrong move here. What should I do? Keep stringing her along (or maybe being stringed along by her)? Ignore her? Tell her the truth? Issue an ultimatum? Be friends? Do something different? (aside from moving on, which I'll do, seriously!)
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female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You have a great personality :) youll find someone. And in all honesty you deserve better then what she was offering you at the end. Stay happy :) good luck.
A
female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 your welcome friend and that's a good e-mail. I think the sigh means that she realizes she has just lost the mind game she was playing. Again good luck and hope you find your true love some day soon. (Yes I'm a hopeless romantic, I can't help it.) :)
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (16 December 2010):
I hope that things go right for you. I hope that all has been helpful to you. I'm just confused by her actions and don't understand why some women do what they do. Good Luck and hope you find your love someday soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ended up doing just that. Couldn't resist.
My email: "I just read your last email, and it made me realize that we should end this here. I tried to be your friend, like you asked, and all I expected in return was an apology for what you did.
We both know the truth about what happened: it's not fair that you're still blaming me. It won't lead anywhere, and the excuses and the lies only make matters worse for the both of us.
I'd rather keep the memory of the old you: honest, reliable and wonderful in every way. Please let me remember you that way."
Her response: "Sigh... :("
No long rants, no nostalgia, and definitely no confessions.
I have no idea what that that "sigh" means. But it would be pointless to obsess over it and try to read her mind; I've learned that too well.
But there's one thing I'm careful about: if she ever starts feeling guilty about what she did to me, then she will definitely think twice before dumping the new guy! Not good.
I guess I just have to wait, and keep myself busy while I do. I'll move on with my life, but I'll never stop remembering her. It was five wonderful, happy years, full of nice moments to cheer me up whenever I'm down. She threw our future down the drain, but she can't spoil our beautiful past.
You were all great. Thanks for helping me graduate from breakup school. :p
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (16 December 2010):
I personally think You should let her know she hurt you. Confront her about the guy, and explain that it was a slap in the face that she pretended like it would all be ok. Id do it in an email. For me, Id need the closure of knowing I got the last word in and the other person knows the damage they did. Thats just me. But I would encourage you to Send one last email explaining all this (why would she hate you, she was the one who screwed up) and then go on your no response completely done with her thing. In the long run, her being aware may help you and keep away the what ifs. And since we are all about games :P before you get back with her (if you do) Ask her about the guy. She hasnt changed until shes honest with you. GOOD LUCK BUDDY :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Mjfbla: I didn't go for the "text test" because I couldn't find a way to make it interesting for her to read. But that's just my mistake; it was a good idea.
Anyway, this decision was hard. I decided to go for #2 on harleygirl2010's suggestion.
#3 would provide me with a personal moral victory 100% of the time. #2, however, has the biggest payoff (if it works): a sincere change of heart on her part. I don't want to win all by myself: I want LOVE to win.
I'll be keeping my pain and feelings to myself, just for the slim chance to get her back the way she was before. If it ever happens, it would be the best for both of us. If it doesn't, then I'll have no regrets.
Thanks everyone!
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (15 December 2010):
which ever you choose let it be the best decision for YOU and ONLY you. Though nothing you do in the game of love is a waste. All it does is prove one theory or another. Don't regret trying to win her back if it all fails. Though I have to say i agree with Mifbla (if i spelled that right). She has a point. I hope all works out for you. Good Luck, my friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, I'm tired of all this. Even when I thought I was in control, I always end up wasting too much effort and resources just not to lose my puny advantages, and every day I lose her more. It's just not worth it.
1) So, if I disappear for a while, she might try to contact me again after three days, like the first time. And then I have to restart the plan from the beginning, while the other guy gets to keep his earnings. It will be even harder!
2) If I TRULY disappear and do NOT reply if she keeps contacting me, she might eventually think things over, change on her own (and dump her new toy) and ask that we reconnect. It would be great if she does, but sooo unlikely. And if it happens, it could take years.
3) I really want to end it all and tell her something along the lines of "You know how much you hurt me and you haven't even apologized. I've tried to treat you with respect, and in return I only get more lies. We both know what this is about, and I don't deserve to be treated like this, so PLEASE STOP CONTACTING ME." She'll hate me, but it will stop the mind games and there is a chance I might get the apology I'm waiting for.
None of my options increase my chances of getting her back at all. That really, really sucks. Am I as screwed as I think I am?
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (15 December 2010):
Because if she stopped replying because you said you were in town it could b because shes afraid youll want to hang out and maybe find out about her other guy. If you txtd her when you got home(safe from where you cant meet up) and she replied then you know she was ignoring you purposely and you can determine why she would do that. It was just a tester nothing important. And just kind of a reminder she could love you, you could get that nudge, but if she has you being all lovey and sweet PLUS this guy who is an easy hook up, why would she give one up because you wouldnt find out(at least she wouldnt think so) Im sorry to be all negative :/
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Mjfbla: You're always there to remind me of the cold, hard truth. :p I had not realized it. I'm acting as if she wanted to be with both of us and just a little nudge was enough to tilt the balance in my favor. But I don't even know if she wants me, or how, or why she bothers to communicate with me at all. And it's very likely that I will never find out.
But why text her about getting home? Technically I'll be coming home in a few hours but I don't know why I would text her about it. Maybe to compensate for the fact that I've been trying so hard to get her to react?
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (15 December 2010):
You think shelll let you catch her with her new guy. Mkay if she were a guy most people wouldnt have a hard time believing she wants you (long distance loving bf) and the guy next door(the easy hook up, immediate attention, there guy). But since she is a girl it cant be true. Sigh I know you want to believe that she wouldnt cheat, but by not responding she doesnt have to lie about why she cant hang out. Try texting her saying you are super tired and glad you are home. (depends if that is possible or not) If she replies then well get what you want from that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMission FAILED.
Yesterday afternoon I texted her about the beautiful sunset and trees I was seeing on my trip. She seemed very interested and wanted to know where I was. I said it was a special place and I could show it to her one day.
This morning I texted her about entering her city, commenting on the breeze and the cold air. Later I mentioned seagulls and other nice things I remembered about her place. I made it obvious that I was in her city, but just for a little while.
She went silent.
Either she ran out of texts, or the idea that I was in her city scared her.
Either way, pushing it would only make it worse. I still have a couple of emails of her I haven't replied to (because I'm supposedly on my trip) but I guess I'll just have to ignore them until I can be sure she'll be receptive. So, it's her turn now. I don't expect much of it. ):
Thanks for keeping up with my epic plan anyway. :p
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (13 December 2010):
That's a good idea. I like that, it should work in luring out her real plans. I don't like the idea that your her "trusty back up" plan for if this guy that seems to be boring her doesn't work. That is messed up. I hope it works. Tell her something like your friend needed help on fixing something in his house as your unspecified reason. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Mjfbla: Yes, I get your point, she can't be trusted yet. She doesn't seem to acknowledge what she did to me. I'm dying to confront her with the truth, but she wouldn't like being called a liar.
She's still with that new guy, but she's hiding it from me. She pretends to be always bored and available. My guess is that she finds the guy boring, but she won't dump him yet because she still enjoys his attention; and, of course, she wants to keep me around as her trusty backup. How nice.
It's been two days since her last email. I didn't reply, and she hasn't called or emailed again, which has me worried.
Anyway, I'll keep teasing her on Tuesday morning. I'll text her pretending to be in her city for unspecified reasons (but not for her). A friend agreed to let me stay at his place to support my alibi. I want to know what she would do if I take the long distance out of the equation (to test my claim that she fell for the new guy only because I wasn't around).
I hope she makes up her mind soon!
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (13 December 2010):
But ok the last thing she did (leaving you for another guy) wasnt nice proving she isnt as nice/loyal as you say. And if thats the last thing she did why would she randomly go back to being that way. If you want to know how to solve your problem do what people ahve said. Make her sweat until you feel better. Im just throwing in there the whole you could get hurt again. What happens if some other guy comes up? And how do you kno that shes contacting you and not with her neighbor? OR that the only reason she misses you is becuz the guy ended it. There are so many unknowns. If she was good wouldnt she admit her faults and fess up? I understand your question isnt really being answered with all this, but i hope you dont get hurt again :/
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (12 December 2010):
I'm glad i could help even though it was very little. If you want you can add me to your friends thing on here. Good luck and congrats on accomplishing all of your back up goals that's a very good thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Mjfbla: Once a betrayer, always a betrayer? Possibly. But she was once trustful and honest too and I'm hoping that her good side ends up resurfacing instead.
@harleygirl2010: Thanks for the help. I'm usually a very organized person but now I have no idea what to do! :p I had a set of secondary goals and I've accomplished them all (get her interested, make her remember the good times on her own, show her that I've corrected my flaws, and finally tell her that I still have feelings for her). I thought it would reach some kind of conclusion there, but she hasn't made up her mind.
@InADaze61: It took three days of NC for her to start emailing me again, and before that she had tried to call me while my cellphone was turned off.
I'm surprised that I'm not the only one who is not sure what to do. :p I'm also very puzzled by the fact that she hasn't stopped contacting me even though I told her to. Perhaps she's seeing through my bluff? Mind games are hard!!!
I just hope someday we'll be old together and we'll laugh at this incident and the crazy things we did without each other. But for now it's very nerve-wracking.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): Ignore my post faulting you. I misread your case. I somehow didn't see the beginning part where you talk of how she left you for the neighbor. Sorry about that bud.In this case, you're doing the right thing. Make her sweat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): IMO, you're doing the right things. Had you told her that you miss her, want to have her in your arms again, etc. she would have you where she wants you, and would probably cease all contact. I'm guessing "the grass wasn't greener" with this new younger guy or she probably wouldn't have been pestering you. The same thing happened to me kind of, but I sort of blew it for a second because we got very nostalgic, and she came back when "the grass wasn't greener"... now I'm NC until she speaks to me again. I say keep it up until you're fully healed from all of that past hurt...How long was it until she started emailing you?
COMMENT MY POST!
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (12 December 2010):
I'm not sure. I know most of the guys i know personally (and think of as my own brothers)would have left her because she went to another man while he was gone. I don't get why she keeps messaging when you tell her that she shouldn't. I'm sorry she did that to you. What do you feel you should do the most? Which answer reaches out to you the most? I hope everything works out for you. I wish i could give you better advice but i'm not sure what to do about that.
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (12 December 2010):
WEll you have to decide what you want. If she left you for another guy how do you know she wont do it again. Ending all contact esp since youve been moving on seems like the best idea
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