A
male
age
36-40,
*ordBlackfyre
writes:For the past year I've been seeing this girl who lives about four hours from me in another city. We've been off and on for about five years dating different people in between but always remaining friends throughout. We recently had a falling out when I began putting pressure on her to make our relationship exclusive. Recently she was concerned about her constant tiredness and tremors. Even going so far as to get an MRI. During some time apart I started thinking back over the time we spent together.She has anxiety and depression, and has been taking Xanax for over a decade. She even goes to Shady drug dealers to get more when she can't get enough from doctors legally. Since we've been spending more time than ever this year I was able to see her habits more often. I see now that she is addicted to these pills. To make matters worse she is a bit of an alcoholic, and from my research about Xanax drinking while under the influence of the drug is very dangerous.She's been increasingly awful to me seemingly out of nowhere. We were on the way to a friendly reconciliation when I told her that I didn't want to be friends and see her anymore. I told her that we weren't kids anymore it was time to grow up and that I was thinking about the future. And because she's seemingly didn't want to plan one with me it was time to move on. She didn't like that at all and blew up quite quickly. Then completely shut down emotionally acting like she didn't care.I feel a very pensive sadness when I think about her. I know shes toxic and unhealthy but theres still this lingering melancholy regret. I think with people like that you hope that if you love them enough you can, not fix, but help them move past their demons. Ultimately you can't. You keep looking for the cute girl with the big hazel eyes who talked to you on the phone for 8 hours and hugged you really tight whenever you said goodbye. But shes gone. Lost in an addiction and life she doesn't know how to escape from. She lives rent free with an ex-boyfriend who is psychologically and emotionally abusive to her, I'm assuming so that she can afford more Xanax. Many of my friends thinks that she sleeps with this man, why else would he allow her to stay in his house rent free?I don't know, it's just a bad situation all around and I guess I'm just looking for advice on letting go of people with addictions or the proper way to help them when they aren't really open to help in the first place.Like I said, we've been friends for 5 years and she's been there for me through some difficult times of my own. So it's just hard to let her go sometimes. Do you guys have any advice for me?All of her friends are either broken or dishonest or both, so part of me feels like by distancing myself from her I just abandoned her to some terrible fate. How long until she has an accident or something? I know in these situations you should probably think of your own well-being first, but it's still difficult.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 August 2018):
 OP, disregard that anon...
She didn't bother reading your posts or look up information on Xanax either.
You don't need to justify your concern to strangers online.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 August 2018):
OP, disregard that anon...
She didn't bother reading your posts or look up information on Xanax either.
You don't need to justify your concern to strangers online.
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A
male
reader, LordBlackfyre +, writes (9 August 2018):
LordBlackfyre is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm guessing that anonymous below skipped over the part where I said she shops around for doctors to get more xanax and buys illegal pills from street dealers. And yes, I know shes an alcoholic I've known her for 5 years. Furthermore she regularly drives under the influence of alcohol, noted not just by me but a mutual friend who is a medical professional, who got nervous and angry at her for endangering their life. This medical professional has a lot of experience with xanax and noted that the amount of xanax she takes casually would knock a regular person out, hence why she takes more than prescribed and buys more from drug dealers. And why do I care? Cause shes been my friend for half a decade and I care. I did not just come to these conclusions on a whim. Nor did I do so alone. This girl also has a habit of tripping and falling down stairs seriously injuring herself. She wants even broke her leg, I never understood why she was so clumsy before, but I get it now. The Xanax Dulls her motor skills and she falls and hurts herself. I'm not judgmental, just concerned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2018): You say she is a ex.So do not even think about her anymore. You say she got mad and blew up when some doorman stole her prescription.Why would she not be mad?That is a crime.When someone steals from you that is theft.Maybe she is on Xanax because her doctor perscribrd it.Maybe she needs it.Do you have a medical degree?How do you Know if she drinks all the time?Are you with her all the time or do you just assume?Have you ever had an attack?Do you even begin to understand how bad it could be?You sound a little judgemental of her.She is under a doctor care and you think you know more than her doctor who ran tests on her for that I am sure if she took over the perscribrd amount it would be easy to tell.So but out of her personal life you are not her husband or her doctor.Another thing if you keep up spreading rumors about her being an addict while she is taking only what the doctor gives her dude you could be sued for slander.Leave her alone.
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A
male
reader, LordBlackfyre +, writes (7 August 2018):
LordBlackfyre is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, contact has already been cut and shes so angry at me at what she perceives as a "relationship ultimatum" that communication isn't going to happen anytime soon. And I wouldn't be reaching out to her to save her, but if shes still doing xanax perhaps have a meaningful dialogue about how I had to distance myself from her because it was difficult seeing her spiral and not be able to help. Maybe ask if those debilitating physical symptoms have advanced , and if they have it may be enough to make her seriously think about stopping. We were very close so maybe down the line she'd be more open to listening to my concerns and heeding my advice.She rarely sees her family so I'm pretty sure no one in her life has EVER had a real conversation with her about quitting xanax. Her friends arent really the type to show that sort of maturity or concern. They're enablers. Just want her to party with them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 August 2018):
Can you reach out to her down the line?
For what purpose? To make yourself feel better? To check up on her?
At some point you HAVE to accept that SHE is living with HER own choices. Addiction is one of those things that are forever. Doesn't mean you have to be addicted forever. But you have to ALWAYS be aware of it. She is dealing with 2 addictions. Alcohol and pills. THAT is her World right now and has been for a long time. HOW to get more. Not HOW to get off both.
So personally, OP
I'd NOT contact her in the future. I think IF she cleans up she MIGHT reach out to you.
Mostly because WHAT will you do if you reach out in 6 months or 1-2-3 years and she is STILL where she is now? What if she is in an even worse situation? Do you then feel you have to put on your shiny armor and "save" her? you STILL can't FIX her issues. SHE has to do that. She has to at least accept it and look for help. IF she does that... then sure, give support (unless you have moved on to a new relationship - if you have, don't get re-involved with her)
What you CAN do is tell her you are going to cut contact because you can't watch her continue to destroy herself, that way she KNOWS that you don't have an issue with HER but with her choices.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 August 2018):
 You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help their self.
Whilst it must be awful to see someone that you care about going into self destruction, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Help and guidance is there if she wants it although it sounds like she’s not interested. If she truly wanted to leave that lifestyle behind then she would be doing all she could to make it happen.
You have to look after your own interests. As hard as is it to do you need to cut contact and leave her to it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (5 August 2018):
 Sweetheart, commendable as it is that you care so much about her, you cannot fix her. Only SHE can do that and, at the moment, she has no motivation to do that. Her ex (whether they are sleeping together or not is not really relevant) is enabling her by providing her with free lodgings. However, even if he did not do that, she would find a way. Addicts can be very devious and will try ANYTHING to get what they want.
I do question what you want long term from this lady. Do you want to settle down with her, or do you want to just be friends? Either way, it is going to be a roller coaster ride. Is this what you want for years and years to come?
She is a drug addict AND an alcoholic, two very strong addictions. She cares more about getting her next fix than she does about you, her friends and even herself. You cannot change that.
In our shoes I would say something along the lines of, "We have been through a lot together over the year and you know I care for you deeply. However, I can no longer put my life on hold for you, or watch you destroying your life. I will always be here if you need me but I will NOT be contacting you again because I don't believe maintaining contact with you is helping me lead a healthy life."
Then move on. Make new friends. Try to forget her. Unless she cleans up her act, she is never going to make you happy.
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A
male
reader, LordBlackfyre +, writes (5 August 2018):
LordBlackfyre is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery good advice. I think about her all the time, but I'm going to try to remain strong and not contact her. And I think she does shop around for different doctors that will give them to her. I remember her complaining about how increasingly difficult it was becoming to get prescribed them. I sent a female friend who happen to be working in her city to hang out with her and she told me that she blew up on a doorman who took her pills.
I'm going to try and use this time to focus more on myself and move forward in my career and personal goals.
In your opinion, would it ever be okay to reach out to her in the future months or years down the line?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 August 2018):
First of all, I just want to say YOU are a good person for caring.
Secondly, I think you deserve more and better.
It's NOT going to be easy to cut her off, but have you considered that by sticking around and sticking by her you are "normalizing" what she is doing? And to a point enabling it? (not to the extend that her ex-BF is but all the same).
Here is the thing, OP. SHE loves her Zanax more than she ever loved you. SHE loves her Zanax more than she loves herself. NEITHER are things YOU can change or fix.
Zanax is only recommended for use for up to six weeks. She gas been given them and taking them for 10 years! Either she has been smart enough to switch doctors often to get the prescription, or she has had TERRIBLE doctors!
It has the potential to be abused and can lead to dependence (addiction). For this reason, it’s classified as a federal controlled substance (C-IV). which means.. if she gets CAUGHT with these pills (that aren't prescribed) she can face jail-time. (which might or might not help her get OFF the pills).
People who take Xanax will often build up a tolerance. So it's not strange that she was taking more and more.
Fact is, she KNOWS she is addicted. She probably uses the excuse that "I'm not an addict because my doctor prescribes me the pills". It's denial. YOU can not change or fix denial.
She might HAVE to hit rock bottom to accept where she is at and where she needs to be. AGAIN you can not change or fix that.
So maybe... YOU backing away will move her forward. Maybe it won't. BUT why should YOU STAGNATE in your life waiting for her to realize what she needs to do? What if it takes her 10 more years? 20?
OP, you can't put your life on hold for her. Life is too short for that.
So while I applaud that you care and wish for her to get well and be well... "Wishes aren't fishes".
Letting her go is not going to be easy. One day at the time. However, cutting the contact SHOULD be the first step. Then put some focus on YOU, are you where you want to be in life? If not, why not? And how would you get there? SET some personal goals here, OP.
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