New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My ex attacked me in front of our baby. Do I go to the police?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 November 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 7 November 2010)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

My ex, who I have a 6 month old son with, attacked me the other nite, not majorly just pulled my hair and threw me out of a door, in front of my son. Now my mum has gone mad saying I need to report him to the police. He has never been violent to me before. He didnt hurt me but Im a little scared of him now. We were arguing beforehand about somoething when he just flipped and attacked me.

In the UK, where I live, I know this is classed as common assault and if I reported it he would be arrested. But Im scared because that seems a little harsh for what he actually done, and Im worried what would happen and whether the social services will get involved?

On the other hand, if I leave it I dont know how I can face him again. I know he would never lay a finger on our son but I dont want to see him again. Please help.

View related questions: violent

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (7 November 2010):

natasia agony auntPersonally I wouldn't call the police.

I would call him, and tell him he really frightened me, and why did he do that? I presume he feels bad about it. But you guys need to mend this together. You are parents together. You need to talk to him about it. I imagine he also feels worried about what happened.

If you call the police, most likely the following will happen:

- Policemen - 2 or 3 - will arrive at his home, possibly in the night or early morning, and take him away - even if he is in his pyjamas - in handcuffs. They will treat him like a dangerous criminal.

- He will be arrested, locked in a cell, and, at some point, interviewed. He will then either be told he is free to go home, or he will be told that the Crown Prosecution Service will decide whether he is going to be charged and taken to court. If this happens, he will still be allowed to go home. He will be asked to come back to the police station in a week or more's time (sometimes 2 or 3 months time) to hear whether he is going to be taken to court or the charges dropped. If he is charged and pleads guilty, he will just go to court to be sentenced. If he pleads not guilty, there will be a trial to decide whether he is guilty or not, and you will have to give evidence.

If he is found guilty, his sentence will most likely be suspended - eg, he must not do anything wrong for, eg, a year, otherwise he will be sentenced more harshly. He might have to pay a fine. He might just be cautioned.

But, most likely, he would be released without charge, because pulling someone's hair and shoving them is on the lowest scale of violence. Yes, he used some physical force on you, but he didn't hit you.

He will, however, have a record of some sort, and it will be noted that you have been domestically abused in the incident.

What I am saying is, that there will be a very big amount of unpleasantness for him out of it, but ultimately very little or no 'punishment'. He will feel angry, humiliated and scared. He will feel extremely angry with you, and he will never trust you again.

So, is it worth it, to destroy any chance you two have of a half-decent relationship in terms of parenting your child? I am not sure it is. If he had hit you, or if he had done this before, or if he regularly intimidated you, I would think it was worth it, and I would give the rest of the history as well. However, in this case, I think he flipped because he also is in a very very difficult situation emotionally, because not being with you also means not being with his son. We, as women left with the children, can't imagine what it must feel like, I think. He is, quite honestly, most likely not himself.

I don't condone physical intimidation in any way, and the fact that you feel scared and upset is totally understandable - but I honestly think this is something you have to sort out with him, for the sake of your son. I don't think it would be the best thing to go to the police, because they don't know you, and they don't know him - he would be thrown into an imperfect, impersonal system, and only come out more angry.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010):

Social services might get involved but ONLY to offer you support and therapy if you needed it after what you have been through. Getting assaulted or even "slightly" pushed around by a man can be a traumatising thing. They are there to help you and offer you protection and support.

If you go to the police, the only person who will be at fault, in trouble is him. You are the victim.

What made him blow off the handle like that anyway? You say he has never been violent. I don't condone violence at all, that is unacceptable. So while I am not justifying his actions at all, I have seen men like this before. They are not violent and have never been but if they get pushed or bullied around enough they might blow off the handle. Were you attacking him at all? Verbally? Physically?

Just asking...in any case it is good to know you are going to drop this one like a hot rock. No woman should tolerate that. You don't need that. That's creepy.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Franny Girl United Kingdom +, writes (7 November 2010):

Franny Girl agony auntHey,

This must have been horrific, i hope you are ok... as ok as you can be, i dont no wether or not he would get arrested but if i were you, i would deffintatly get the police involved, if you deffintatly do not want to see him again, then this is diffenity what you need to do, he might have just pulled your hair etc, but if he can do that, what is to stop he doing it again? he miught think "if i can get away with it this time, why cant i get away with it again?" were woulkd it stop? he could go further, and by then it might be to late to get police involed, u could be too scared.

I really think going to the police is the best thing, your mum seems to think so and to be honest, mums do no best! (second to aunts that is... ;) ) i really think things will turn out ok and if you could talk to him over the phone, explain the situation, if u feel brave enough you know?

as other people have stated it might be too late to go to the police, and they might wonder why it took so long, but im sure they shall understand. even if it is to late, at least iof it happend again, god forbit, the police have him on thier watch if you get me...?

i hope things turn out ok, i hope u seek the right form of help for this :)

best wishes

xxxx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010):

he has no rights to touch you, call the copz

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, soon567 United States +, writes (7 November 2010):

"I know he would never lay a finger on our son" Did you know he would lay hius hands on you? You two are playing a scary game and you need to stop it. I really doubt that this incident had any effect on your child, yet you two need to cut it out before he gets old enough to recognize it. I think both of you need counseling and soon the better.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010):

You might not think that was major but in my opinion it was, especially when if was in front of your son. I absolutely HATE men who hit women and think they should be thrown in jail but seeing as you've left it this long and have no injuries the police probably won't do much about it. If he ever comes near you like that again the call the police straight away.

With regards to seeing your ex i would only see him when he sees your son and that's it. Also i'd make sure that when you do see him that you're not on your own, have a friend or family member with you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010):

You need to separate emotions for reality.

First, he assaulted you. You need to tell him that if he EVER does this again (ANY assault, not hair pulling and tossing you out a door), that you'll be calling the police.

Since it's likely too late to actually report him, tell him you've given him the ONLY free pass that he's ever going to get.

The fact that he did this "in front of your son" is an emotional thing on your part... he's 6 months old...

You have ZERO choice but to see this man again- you have a SON with him, so tough it up and do what's right for you son. You need to learn how to make it the next 18 years+ with this guy, your son deserves it.

Put on your big girl panties, look Mr. Wonderful in the eyes and tell him he's going to jail if he pulls that BS again.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (7 November 2010):

aunt honesty agony auntWell it would be hard now to prove to the police that he done it, it would be your word against his and therefore he probably wouldnt get arrested, you should have called the police there and then as it might be to late now as you will get loads of questions asked as to why you left it so long and they will twist everything you say, so you need to be prepared to have answers if you are going to call the police, its doubtful social services will get involved as there has been no reported violence from you his main carer so i wouldnt worry about that.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My ex attacked me in front of our baby. Do I go to the police?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312655000016093!