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My ex and I made each other miserable, but we had a spark I don't feel with my current boyfriend!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Teenage, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 March 2014) 12 Answers - (Newest, 29 March 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I was completely in love with someone a while back. Person B. It was the first time I had ever fallen for someone, and It was insanely intense.

One thing lead to another and we ended it. While we were a rather passionate couple, we made eachother miserable. The time I was with him was both the worst and best experiences of my life.

But then another guy came around and made me happy again. He is nuturing, caring, considerate, everything the other guy lacked. He makes me feel secure and cared for.

Unfortunately there's no spark. While I feel safe with him, and we really do click I don't feel what I used to feel with Person B.

Now, I am aware that I might be the stupidest girl in the world, not appreciating a good person who is simply amazing to me. I'm fairly new in the dating world, and am not really sure what to think. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Here's the problem: guy B came back into my life. And, of course, I've gotten quite worked up about him again. We just started talking and I realised how much I missed him and how much it hurt to lose him. I don't know whether I should teach myself to forget and focus on appreciating my wonderful current boyfriend or go back to person B. Even though I'm perfectly aware that getting back with Person B would be equivalent to accepting pain back into my life.

I'm lost and have no idea what to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for your comments! Really appreciate it! :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014):

There is something to be said about the idea that we are attracted to people who represent the dysfunctions or limitations that our families had. In other words, we are attracted to people who had the same shortcomings of our parents and we try to resolve that later in life through our relationship.

Take it for what it is, just a thought.

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A female reader, fi_the_tree United Kingdom +, writes (27 March 2014):

fi_the_tree agony auntOP, I have asked a similar question on here regarding this matter, maybe you would like to read it...

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-genuinely-thought-i-was-over-my-ex.html

I only have a couple of answers, but they both tell me pretty much the same thing, maybe the aunts and uncles that posted on mine can give you some further insight xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

WiseOwlE

I respect your brutally honest opinion. However you must agree that your level of aggressiveness towards a situation you only know a tiny bit about is uncalled for. And my "tone of disrespect" and "sarcasm" are only a rebuttal towards your tone and assumptions. You get what you give.

Nonetheless, I appreciate your words and your time. No sarcasm this time, honest. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

OP if you knew your own answer why did you come to DC?

Sorry I couldn't offer you sugar-coated advice that didn't

call out the obvious.

This isn't about me, it is about you. You clearly explain how you don't have a spark for someone who feels he has one for you. If you and your first had a bad relationship, there is very little logic in returning to a situation where you fought a lot. That means you're incompatible; possibly with the exception of sex.

As for the second relationship, doesn't it make sense for both people to be on the same page?

That you're not feeling for someone else; while he's investing his feelings in you? You also have to be honest in order to earn someone's trust.

The point of commitment is to give-up others to create an exclusive relationship to build with one person. The commitment can't be formed until you makeup your mind who you truly want to be with. The second guy is truly a rebound relationship; or your first would not matter

anymore.

You will learn in life that each person we meet has something different to contribute to the relationship.

We care for people on their own merit, and it isn't a matter of comparison; but how we truly feel about them.

If they have taken a risk with their feelings, it should be worth it. The other guy didn't just happen to come back into you life. He had to feel welcomed and there had to be a reason to comeback.

You're young, and I expect sarcasm and rebuttal to my

advice; but I've have a lot more experience and time on this earth. I'm also used to disrespectful tones when people done hear what they want to hear. The advice may not always go down easy; but at some point you will have an "aha!" moment.

Of course I've been hurt at some point. Everyone has been hurt somehow; but my advice comes from both pain and wisdom. Pain is necessary for growth; and in order to know what other people feel, you must first experience it yourself. I stand by what I said in my previous advice; and I hope you will also learn from your own actions. Then someday you will see and understand.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

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Anon

I'm glad we can relate! :) I wish I could say that I would never even think about being with Person B in a romantic way again, but that would be a lie. He isn't a bad person, please anyone reading this don't assume that. When we were together things just were either amazing or painful. And I think we tired ourselves out with it. And I haven't mentioned it to anybody who actually knows me, because I know what their reaction would be. "Don't". Plus I feel guilty for even thinking about it. The last thing I want to do is hurt my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve any of it. But it's difficult to completely ignore my emotions. That's why I came here, to get an outsiders opinion. Because I'm at an extreme level of ambivalency.

Thanks for your time, and wish you luck! :D Let me know if you know the answer to our problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you both Sensible Alice and TaylorSwift1fan for your opinions :)! Unfortunately both of your thoughts were already placed firmly in my head and I can't seem to decide which path I should go. Is it really worth all the pain again? But maybe I can be with Person B despite the bad, because it is obvious that I pine for him? Just because they're no sparks between my boyfriend and I, does that mean the relationship might not be what I need?

It's difficult. And seeing as these are my only experiences at relationships, I don't really know what the right answer is.

Thank you both for your time :D

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

WiseOwlE.

Someone has obviously hurt you. And I'm sorry for that. I'm not going to try to persuade you into thinking I'm truely at a crossroads at this point in my life. Or that I care about both men as people and am trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. My current boyfriend is my top priority, and I'm doing everything I can to not hurt anyone. Not everything is black and white, right or wrong. I'm merely battling with my emotions and debating about what love truely is. Devastating passion or a caring, wonderful relationship.

It's strange you immediately assume that I met him on the rebound, seeing as I never specified how much time elapsed between the two events :P

Neither parties have social medias. Yes, people without social medias such as Facebook and Twitter exsist, wow xD.

Anyway, thank you for your time :)But perhaps you should try putting a little effort into understanding people instead of trying to see what you want to see. Not a jab, just an observation.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

When a guy does what you're doing, he is pretty much considered the bad-guy. He breaks up with one girl, and gets another on the rebound.

You want your cake and to eat it too. There is no spark because you met him on the rebound; and just used him to fill in for your ex. It took some work to get your ex back.

First off, your ex didn't just happen to come back into your life. You kept up with his whereabouts and activities through social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.); until you reconnected.

Now you're ready to dump your rebound boyfriend. You've always stayed in-touch with your ex; and patiently waited until you figured you'd get him back. The chance has come.

Sorry! WiseOwlE can see right through you. You're trying to make it all look innocent. The truth is, you want an easy way to dump the rebound guy, to go running back to your ex.

You should let the second boyfriend go; because you really want the first one. You are done using the second boy.

You should only stay with him; because you care for him, and you're completely over your ex. The spark should be with the one you're with.

Not because he's a good guy, and you can use him.

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A female reader, Sensible Alice Australia +, writes (27 March 2014):

Sensible Alice agony auntNo matter how nice your current boyfriend is, or considerate, if the spark is not there, it's just not there. Would it be fair to continue, hoping the attraction will grow and perhaps end up with regrets and resentment? You haven't given any examples of how you and your ex made each other miserable. It's obvious you pine for him and I don't think this can be resolved until you give it another shot with him. It might be what you need to really get over him once and for all, or you might find that you really do what to be with him despite the bad. All relationships have good and bad, that's just life, it's whether we are strong enough to put up with the bad and enjoy the good.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014):

Just because you feel no sparks with this new person, doesn't mean you're relationship isn't worth anything! It's just one of those things. You feel sparks with some people, but with others you don't. You said yourself that taking person B back would only bring you pain again. Do you really want to go through that again???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014):

Wow, this is me!

I am virtually in EXACTLY the same position here!! Do you feel like you could ever go back to being with person B? As much as i think i want to, pretty much everyone who knows me would be against me going back there.

If he made you that miserable, then is it worth all the pain and suffering?

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