A
male
age
36-40,
*econdchance
writes:My ex and I broke up a month ago (I'm trying to convince her to take me back) we had plans to travel and visit my sister next week. It's an 8 hour drive and we were going to spend a week there. Should I ask her to still come with me since it would mean alot to my sister and hopefully it would give us some time to work on things or should I give her a little more space and push the trip,back.,
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): "When you live a certain way for so long it is hard to change. I partied nightly for almost 6 years before meeting her. I don't think I was living destructively just living freely.
I won't let it happen again because I know what I have to lose."
If you've done nothing to address what you say is the root cause of your self-destructive behavior, then you remain at the same high risk of repeating that same behavior.
You've said nothing to indicate that you're willing to take responsibility for your actions or learn from your experience, you just keep making excuses and empty promises.
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (20 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen you live a certain way for so long it is hard to change. I partied nightly for almost 6 years before meeting her. I don't think I was living destructively just living freely.
I won't let it happen again because I know what I have to lose.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): "I understand why everyone said to give her space but I didn't want to give on up our relationship."Which just goes to prove that you are unwilling to give proper consideration and respect to her feelings, that YOUR wants and needs are more important than hers. ". . .im just saying that in a normal day to day relationship I would ever considering cheating. I understand that being drunk isn't an excuse but sober I would have never done it."But you DID do it, and actions have consequences, the effects of which you can't change or undo."Back together I can offer her a stable life . . ."Not if you continue to abuse drugs and alcohol."I messed up yes and I guess I do have issues with drugs and alcohol but I'm willing to get help if that is what she wants"You shouldn't be willing to get help because it's what she wants, you should be already be getting help because it's what YOU need.If you've done nothing to address what you say is the root cause of your self-destructive behavior, then you remain at the same high risk of repeating that same behavior.You've said nothing to indicate that you're willing to take responsibility for your actions or learn from your experience, you just keep making excuses and empty promises.
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (20 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm saying that its a huge deal I didn't cheat in the past im just saying that in a normal day to day relationship I would ever considering cheating. I understand that being drunk isn't an excuse but sober I would have never done it. Back together I can offer her a stable life, I can help finically, I can be a father, I'm not a horrible guy. When we were together I did everything I could to give them a great life. I helped around the house, took Logan to swim classes,watched him so she could take night classes and not have to pay a sitter, took them on vacations, as a partner I tried to make her feel special, I made sure she knew how much I appreciated her. I messed up yes and I guess I do have issues with drugs and alcohol but I'm willing to get help if that is what she wants
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (20 June 2014):
'BUT in the 18 month relationship we had I never even thought of cheating.'Do you think that's an achievement? I've been in my relationship for over 5 years now and I've never thought about cheating on my boyfriend either. Because I love him! I don't expect him to be proud of me for that because it's what you are supposed to do in a relationship!'It wasn't until I went out and got drunk and high that I did'. I said this before and I'll say it again - excuses. YOU are the one who chose to go and get drunk and high. No-one else. That is not an excuse for your behaviour at all. You did what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it. In actual fact that makes it worse for me, because you are effectively saying you chose something as meaningless as drugs, alcohol and random sex over your new family. How do you think that makes your girlfriend feel? And Logan. Do you think it was easy to explain to him where you'd gone for those few days? When she was probably sick with worry herself? It sounds like your girlfriend didn't have a clue this was coming either - you didn't talk to her about your feelings, just up and disappeared. That isn't something I could get over, because I'd never fully believe you would't do it again someday. I mean YOU don't even seem sure you won't. With that in mind, can you explain what you think you are offering the girl by getting back together?
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (20 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand why everyone said to give her space but I didn't want to give on up our relationship. Even though she said no to the trip she plowed me over, we spent the night together . That's a start that maybe I wouldn't have gotten if I hadn't asked her to come in the trip.
Yes, I know sleeping twitch other girls was wrong BUT in the 18 month relationship we had I never even thought of cheating. It wasn't u til I went out and got drunk and high that I did. I would never just normally go chest in her
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (20 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand why everyone said to give her space but I didn't want to give on up our relationship. Even though she said no to the trip she plowed me over, we spent the night together . That's a start that maybe I wouldn't have gotten if I hadn't asked her to come in the trip.
Yes, I know sleeping twitch other girls was wrong BUT in the 18 month relationship we had I never even thought of cheating. It wasn't u til I went out and got drunk and high that I did. I would never just normally go chest in her
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): "I asked her to come on the trip with me but she said she couldn't."Even though every aunt advised you to go without her and give her the time and space she needs. "I'm not going to lie I am pretty upset that she isn't willing to come long."All the more reason for her to want nothing more to do with you. Not only do you have the nerve to ask her to be trapped in the same car with you for eight hours but you have the gall to be "pretty upset" when she declines. For someone who professes to be so in love, you are being inconsiderate and disrespectful of her feelings. "Being with other girls seemed to be the thing she was hurt most by."If you were so in love with her and wanted to get back together, then you wouldn't have gone out and gotten laid at the first opportunity after she kicked you out.Agree with CindyCares, it was very poor judgement for a mother of a toddler to introduce a virtual stranger as his new faux-stepfather overnight, and now that she has witnessed first-hand how irresponsible and impulsive and irrational you can be her unwillingness to take you back is quite understandable. You need to work on fixing yourself before you even think of attempting to fix this relationship.
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (19 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked her to come on the trip with me but she said she couldn't. She said she didn't want to be spending our time fighting and arguing over something when I could be enjoying a visit with my sister. Apparently she talked to my sister already and explained that she would be going.I'm not going to lie I am pretty upset that she isn't willing to come long. I did get to spend the night with her and we did talk about a lot. And even though she said she loves me I really don't think she will ever forgive me or take me back. She said that the drinking and disappearing was one thing but the fact that I didn't even try to do anything and left so willing made it seem like I didn't care. Being with other girls seemed to be the thing she was hurt most by. She said when I showed up at the hospital with hickeys she wanted to punch me in the face. If I could erase that past month I would. Needing to leave that house this morning before Logan woke up was heart breaking. Thankfully this weekends I will get to spend an afternoon with him.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2014):
 Yeah well, that was exactly my point : when there are children involved, you can't affford to just " be in the moment ", you should have a plan , a vision for the future ( although, I must say, Logan's mom deserves this criticism more than you ). Of course in life there are no guarantees, and there's also people that eventually divorce after 40 years of marriage,... but , you have at least to START strong, committed and convinced. No " let's just go with the flow " crap ,when you opt for being a ( sort of ) step-parent.
Ditto for your lifestyle, although personally I don't have much appreciation for it, to each his own and I am not pointing fingers - as long as you would not be hurting anybody but yourself. But, if there are kids , they'd be much better off WITHOUT a binge drinking dad or step dad. So, if you still have some wild oats to sow , OK, but.. first go sow your remaining wild oats , THEN you can start acting as a parent /husband.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (18 June 2014):
I think you should go on your trip on your own and have a long, hard think about what you really want. Only if you can truly, without ANY doubt, say that you will be happy if you NEVER live the binge drinking lifestyle again, should you consider trying to get her back. Although personally I don't think you'll be able to do that.You took on a lot of responsibility very quickly, but no-one forced you to do it. You did so willingly, just like you bailed willingly when it was convenient for you. To be honest with you, if my live in boyfriend went MIA for 3 days to get wasted without so much as a word to me, I'd kick him out even if there was no child involved. It was immature and cowardly.You still seem very young in the way you see things, and I think your ex is wise to want space from you for the time being. With all due respect, you say you are sorry and want her back, then blame your behaviour on a long list of excuses. You say you can't resist going out drinking with friends if you're in on your own? Excuse. You went MIA because you were scared of the responsibility. Excuse. Being with your friends means you act immature and irresponsible like them. Excuse.YOU are in charge of your actions, and you did what you wanted when it suited you. You missed your old life, now you miss the new one. What's to say you won't change your mind back again when you start to miss 'drinking until you fall over' again?Your final excuse really worries me and makes me think you need professional help to stop this behaviour. You say 'drugs and alcohol can make you forget the people you care about'. That is the attitude of someone who abuses drugs and alcohol and prioritises them above all else. I would never let someone with that attitude be responsible for raising a child as they will almost certainly let them down.
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (18 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLogan's biological father bailed before he was born, he showed up a few month before his 1st birthday and visited a few times then called her up and said he was signing all his rights over and wanted nothing more to do with him. Her parents wanted her to give him up for adoption when he was born so they have never been very supportive towards her after that. As for providing for her, she works full time and goes to university part time. When I moved in I took on responsibility of helping her pay bills, I wouldn't expect her to pay for all the living expenses herself and me just keep my money. She was a single mom getting no help so money was tight, I willing took my money to help put Logan in a better daycare, swim classes, some gymboree classes and things like that. She never asked me to I just did it. I wanted to do it for them. I guess I just didn't think a year from now or longer. I was living in the moment.I guess a lot of guys might not be interested in the partying ways but I was and I did think about them when I was gone. But drugs and alcohol can make you forget the people you care about
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 June 2014):
 I think you should focus on giving her what she asks for SPACE, and to really figure out if you are ready to be tied down.
Maybe go visit your sister ALONE. It will give you both some room to think.
I think you and your ex have way to high expectations of each other. She expected you to be "instant dad in a cup" and you expected her to take you back at the drop of a hat, because YOU feel remorse for running away from her and her boy, remorse for having sex with someone else "while on the run"....
I agree neither of you were thinking of Logan while all this went on. SHE was DESPERATE for a BF and moved WAY to fast with you. And YOU were WAY to desperate to not miss out on things by being in a committed relationship, so you "ran" out and got drunk 3 days straight and slept with someone else.
Both actions shows little or no concern for the little fella.
When people have kids really young they often seem to refuse that PARTYING is OVER. The child is the focus of their life NOT themselves any more. But having kids doesn't mean you can't HAVE a social life any more. Certain things will be omitted for various reasons. You can't go out and binge drink no more, those days are over (IF YOU are a parent).
GIVE her some space, let her decide if she wants you back or not. And if she doesn't, then ACCEPT that and LEARN from it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2014):
Pardon me but I feel that ,in all this, poor Logan is a bit being lost sight of. Plenty of lip service is being paid to him, but, in practice, who's having in mind his best interest ?
Not his mom, who impulsively takes in basically a perfect stranger after one month of dating. Not you that ,always impulsively take and go MIA the first time you notice that playing family is not all fun and games but entails sacrifices and hard choices. Then the mom kicks you out on the spot ( not that I blame her too much, she must have been real mad ) ... only to call you right back as soon as Logan is sick. Logan got to cuddle for two hours, .. but basically you are still out of the picture. And the mom is hesitating in taking you back again , because , finally !, she realizes that all this coming and going is too much for Logan, who needs a stable bi-parental family, or a stable mono-parental one, but not a mix.
You seem very focused on getting the girl back, because you miss her and miss Logan, but, are you sure you will not crack under pressure again quite soon ? I'll answer for you, heck no, you can't be sure Not that it's evil per se being a party-hardyer,maybe... but that , if you can afford it, financially and emotionally, i.e. not if you are , or have become, a family man. Plus, for you making the transition from party boy to family man was specially hard not only because was sudden and impulsive, but because the party boy seems so entrenched in you, so part of who you are. In your other post you talk as if ANY guy would love to get drunk every day after work till he passes out, rinse and repeat, and ANY guy would sorely miss that lifestyle to the point of running away from their family.
Not meaning being judgemental, but, no, that's YOUR way of seeing things, there are tons, thousands, millions of men who would not even understand what you are talking about ,- particularly if they are biological dads or act as a parent for someone else's kid..
In short, not that you must be a bad guy because you like to party hard,... but don't even think that yours is the normal life of a single guy and oh well boys will just be boys. There are lots of people who would not want to live like you if they were paid good money for it !- and the fact that you, instead, are so into this lifestyle and missed it so much, makes me think that it would only be a matter of time before you'd miss it again and had a relapse.
... It ain't necessarily so, but your ex is wise and prudent to at least ask for some space, and to consider the possible developments very carefully..
You ( and her ) think of love, sex and romance, while the main thing to think about is Logan. Who, luckily, is only 2 now, so if you have to exit is life for good, in a few months he won't even remember your face ( not tryng to be mean, but that's what happens at 2 years of age ). If you should get to his, say, 3 years you leaving him would be worse, 4 or 5 even worst. Not that kids aren't very resilient and can't also recover from abandonments , but one would want to spare them the pain, if possible.
Mind you, I do understand that you were under a lot of pressure, finding yourself in the role of father and provider... and that's another thing : WHY are you supposed to be a provider for Logan ?!! He should be provided for by his own father, - and if this is a deadbeat dad, well he has a mother who hopefully has been providing for him ( and shoud do that , by law ), how come you are being roped in to cover the role of provider ? How come you accepted, or even volunteered for that role, when this was a brand new relationship , and you two weren't even married ? ( Well, as for that, why are you supposed to be a provider for HER , too- she did without your providing before meeting you, didn't she ?... ). Meaning, that I feel that you have been imposed, or you have taken upon yourself, some really heavy loads, and crushing responsibilities. If the weight was too much, and you snapped under it, -nobody blames you, but it also means that, should the weight stay the same, you would snap AGAIN, so," see ya Logan, was nice to meet you ", again ?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I read your followup to the other thread.
How does going on three day drinking binges affect parenting? You are not the child's parent figure if you don't show up for duty.
If I were her, I would remove you from the picture until you got your shit together. You're not a reliable "Dad."
And I certainly wouldn't get in a car for a 16 hour round trip with a week in between without more evidence that you're working on fixing the drinking problem.
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (18 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe child isn't mine biologically. We started dating when he was 14 months old and even though I haven't officially adopted him he calls me dad and I am the only father figure is his life.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I really feel as though you owe it to yourself and your ex to take the trip, as planned, but on your own. Don't push it back and don't ask her to go with you, just take the time and space, which you both really do need to think things over, and then come back to it with fresh eyes and a little bit of perspective.
Let your ex breathe and if she wants to reconcile things with you or open a dialogue then it will come, in time, and on her terms.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2014):
Is the child you mention yours by DNA and/or official adoption? Or is that her child by an ex, and the one you became close to before you began partying again?
This is an important distinction.
Again, you moved in after a month, which isn't very long.
Rather than focus on a trip out of town to sister, why not just see if your ex will even meet up with you for a meal? Maybe make an appointment with a couples' counselor to demonstrate your sincerity and ask her to go there with you? You'd be able to work on the relationship with the help of a trained mediator.
I can't imagine spending 8 hours in a car with a guy I don't trust, add a week with his family member and an 8 hour ride back? That's asking too much, frankly.
Don't be rude to your sister, if she's expecting you and has made plans, go.
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male
reader, Secondchance +, writes (18 June 2014):
Secondchance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, here is a link to my first question I posted about why we broke up
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-there-any-way-to-convince-my-ex.html
Tisha-1, the trip was planned months ago. We don't normally get to get away just the two of us since we do have a small kid. She had family who were going to watch Logan so we could visit ,ymsister. The met severel times before and have became really good friends.
I am hoping if she would just spend some time alone and hear me out that she could find a way to forgive me.
I think we can make it work if she gives is a chance. I totally agree that we moved way to fast. Scary fast and that's why a ran when I got the chance . But I want to make things right again.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2014):
Are you speaking to one another?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-there-any-way-to-convince-my-ex.html
Are you really ready to work on things? Or are you just feeling kind of crappy about the baby and want to apologize?
Maybe followup on this question and the one I just linked with answers.
From my reading of the first question, you moved in way too fast way too soon with too many expectations. Sounds like you still have some if this trip is about you and not about the relationship.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 June 2014):
How long were you together and why did you break up?
It's a better idea (imho) to take your vacation alone, enjoy some time with your sister. And don't push your ex.
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