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My eight year old son is such a handful. What action should I be taking to address the problems I face?

Tagged as: Family, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2016) 11 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *loran14 writes:

I just don know what to do.

My. Son spends school holidays with his dad who lives abroad,

My son is eight.

every time school holidays approach i'm exhausted and really stressed because he's such a handful.

I have some health problems too and no family nor friends to help.

His dad is always pressuring me to let him live with him.

And i must admit at times I am tempted as it so tough.

But when I collect him after a few weeks he's very fat.

His father doesn't give him his asthma medication and says he doesn't think that our son needs glasses.

My son adores his Dad and his Dad turns our son against me when he's with him.

His Dad wants me back there to look after him or to just leave him with him and I don't knows what to do and I struggle with his disapproval.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (9 September 2016):

The summer holidays are like a vacation trip to your son. He goes to his dad, doesn't have to go to school, gets to eat whatever he wants, doesn't have to take his annoying medication (to an 8-year-old, any kind of medication, no matter how important, is a source of frustration) and he can go to his dad to "adult" places like the pub. That, to a young boy, is a friggin' holiday. He doesn't know it'll make him miserable and unhealthy in the long run. So of course he's going to return sulky and difficult, because he's going back to his regular life.

So explain to him that as his mom, your main priority is for him to grow up healthily and happily. Unfortunately, short term fun does not equal long term fun. This means sacrifices have to be made to ensure he's going to be able to have as much fun in his life as possible.

For example:

- not taking his asthma medication might sound like fun, because medication is a hassle. However, this means more asthma attacks and breathing struggles. It also means it could take longer to grow past. That version of him who did take those meds consistently is having more fun at sports, less attacks. Let him choose: what would he rather have?

- Eating whatever he wants, no veggies, no healthy foods, sounds like fun. However, in the long term he's going to be round as a basketball on those foods. His clothes will not fit well, and carrying all that extra weight makes breathing harder. It might also make him an easier target for bullies. Give him two heavy objects to carry in his hands. Ask him if he wants to carry these around all the time, when he's going to school, meeting his friends, gaming at home.

- Not having to wear glasses. I get it, they get in the way of sports, they put a dent at the bridge of your nose and make you look like a nerd. However, not wearing them means he doesn't get to see every detail around him, plus decreasing eyesight. I, for example, should have gotten glasses a year ago, but I haven't. My eyesight is half of what it used to be. I am getting glasses this weekend. Tell him that he'll have to live with these eyes for the rest of his life. No replacing them. Might as well take care of em'.

Tell him that as his mom, you have his best interests at heart, even though they aren't always that fun. But they are necessary. You wouldn't do it otherwise. Tell him that sometimes you do not have as much energy maybe as your dad, because you are taking care of grandma and because you have health issues. Issues, you want to help your son avoid.

Children are quite smart. If you're straight with them, they'll understand more than you'll think.

Also, be strict with him, but fair. That means that if you prohibit something, you explain to him why. And then you don't budge an inch, unless he has a really reasonable argument. (We adults can be wrong too sometimes).

This is what always worked best for me. Do not give in to your ex. I'd follow Abella's suggestion by mailing him info about asthma, in particularly the stuff that applies to your son. Your ex may just be ignorant.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (9 September 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt

My Son is 20 years and daughter is 19 years...And they know up to this day, so far and no more.

Love them to pieces...but my love comes with rules.

I have one rule in my house...I am the parent...There is no exception to that rule...now or ever....And I will remind you real fast when you forget.

You MUST have consequences when you give a rule. Since he loves is dad so much...then you better behave or you will not be going for a visit. Has video games? Loves watching TV? Has a Phone? Friend's birthday party he wants to go to?

All of these things are good reminders why he should behave. Yelling has never served a purpose...but losing a privilege...oh...that is a wake up call. Even as an adult, when we lose privileges, it hurts.

Never say don't do something, unless you are ready to back it up. Let him call the cops or the Queen of England...They cannot help him until he does what he was told to do.

I always warned my kids twice...The third time...something will happen.

My grandmother had a saying for that...

Once is a mistake...twice is a coincidence...but the third time...you are a damn fool, and must be corrected.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016):

keep the lad!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016):

No you dont love him!

You tell yourself you do because you are trying to dream up a happy family!

A person you could love would encourage your son to love and respect you but this man does the opposite!

I think this guy is working on you getting over to Ireland with the son for joint parenting and then when he has you suitably isolated he will throw a violent strop, a real humdinger of an arguement and get his family and friends involved and maybe the police on some unfounded allegation so that he can get rid of you and keel the lad, but a bit further down the line he will send the boy onto other family members!

He is on an un announced mission of revenge and ive seen this before.

Dont persuade yourself you love someone who can be so damaging!

Get yourself a family solicitor and rework visiting R

arrangements before you are on here moaning how he took your son away after you gave everything up for him!

No you dont love a man who behaves that way and your poor son must be so fed up with things and all these mixed messages!

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (8 September 2016):

Abella agony auntYour daughter can see through your EX.Seems like your daughter has her life together. You have brought her up to be a responsible capable daughter. Give yourself credit for that.

You CAN do the same with your son if your efforts are not regularly undermined by your son's father.

I am very sorry to hear that you have the added burden of losing your Mom via dementia. Dementia is so cruel as the relative is still alive but is slowly forgetting so much. It is hard for family to adjust to the loss of awareness by a loved one.

Your Ex sounds like an ignorant nasty piece of work.

Clearly your Ex is not above being deliberately cruel to you via the son you share. By not being a responsible parent. By not treating asthma as the serious illness it is. By encouraging your son to lead an unhealthy lifestyle. And by discouraging your son from making use of his glasses.

If I were in your situation I would be putting my sons first and not this nasty piece of work who is undermining you and trying to use your son as a pawn against you.

Yet you are in two minds and even are considering that you still miss your Ex and still have feelings for your ex. Despite all the nastiness, undermining and disrespect that your Ex imposes, now, on you..

Sorry to hear that you are even considering a return to Ireland for the ''parenting'' assistance your EX could provide as a father.

Your Ex sounds like an irresponsible poor role model as a father and the actions of your EX are sufficient to justify never sending your son back to his father until your EX is prepared to stop undermining you and is prepared to be a responsible parent.

Get some support for you so that you can better cope with being a single parent.

Your son may not like your rules the routine that you need to put in place to manage your son, BUT your son does need to Respect those rules and that routine and RESPECT you too.

Otherwise you are likely to have an undisciplined, boorish, unruly disrespectful hooligan on your hands in a few years (if not already) who becomes a carbon copy of his father.

The lifestyle of the father sounds undisciplined and unhealthy.

Please do access the resources I suggested earlier.

Millions of single parents out there do successfully rear their children to become responsible, respectful healthy individuals.

Single parenting is not easy.

Millions of people do understand that.

And that is why some great support groups have been set up to offer support and advice to get you through this.

What is the point of the respite you receive (by sending your son to Ireland) if your son comes back less healthy, with more attitude, more disrespect and contempt towards you than he had before he went to Ireland.

That's not respite. It is abuse of you.

Reach out for the support you deserve, and the respect you are entitled to.

You will get neither from your EX, and nor will your son receive the caring, support, role model influence nor the responsible parenting he too is entitled to receive.

Your EX is an EX for a reason.

His image doesn't need to be romanticized when in truth his behaviour is disgraceful and irresponsible and undermines you at every opportunity.

You and your son both deserve more than both of you are suffering at the moment.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 September 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntLook if your son's father is so bad that he just has him sitting in a pub and allowing him to become over weight and not looking after him, then why on earth would you consider allowing him to live with him? He refuses to give him his medication and doesn't have him wear his glasses. You need to think about what is best for your son, not you and his dad. If he mistreats him and does not parent him well I would be going with asking him to visit in your home in the UK if he wants to see his son. Your son is probably a handful because he has two parents that are split up and he has to live between two homes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016):

I was struck by the fact that you love your mum so !much that you want to be in the uk to help your mum and you must be a trully wonderful daughter.

I think you may be allowing yourself to be undermined by your expartner and as he has an unpleasant way about him it does not surprise me that he tries to turn your son against you.

As far as I know it sons need their mums quite a lot more than you are aware of!

Children of that age sense insecurity and it is only natural that they engage in attention seeking behaviour.

You need to reaffirm to your son that you love him very much and make it clear that neither he or you are going to live in Ireland!

Then plan activities that he enjoys and yourself too and spend time talking to him as he has no other way of understanding his situation!

Fix counselling for yourself by asking your doctor to refer you to a family specialist.

Stay focused on what you can reasonably achieve and discuss your concerns about your partners abusive behaviour.

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A female reader, cloran14 United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2016):

cloran14 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Also my ex bad mouths me to his family n friends whch is awful because I keep promising i will go bk. To Ireland with our son but I never do when it comes to it as I have work n my mum here n my sons in a gud school but the bottom ottom line is I do love him n I want him to be with us in the UK but he wont!!

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A female reader, cloran14 United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2016):

cloran14 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

His dad lives in Ireland.my son goes there every school hol and his dad wants him there alot.my son turns against me when he's with him,they both do.i still have feelings for this man but he can be verbally very cruel n his house is tiny,one bedroomed n v dirty.we have an older daughter at uni in UK n I support her ,her dad doesn't he blames me for the fact she doesn't speak to him.its all so sad n difficult n we all suffer but he never listens to me and I'm worried if I went back n he was horrid to me I wudnt ve able to bring my son back to UK n id loose him forever.i have,a mum with fimentia in a nursing home here too who needs me n I love her so much i know I wud end up being here lots anyway I just feel confused.my ex is giving me no guarantee of better behaviour to ne or encouraging my son at school.he takes him to the pub alot when he'd there too.no such thing as sacrifice for his kid

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (8 September 2016):

Abella agony auntI am so sorry that you are suffering mounting challenges and that you are having to get through all this stress with such minimal support.

It is impossible for you to do every thing and be every thing for your son.

You need help and support.

Plus you have health issues to deal with. as does your son.

Your ex is not helping either.

Get an info pack for your ex to study so that he can realise that asthma is a serious issue. The Asthma.org.uk organisation can help you and provide you and your husband with information on this condition. Ignorance is not bliss and your ex is being ignorant about the seriousness of asthma. Support is available on this too, via :

UK based asthma support at:

Speak to an asthma expert nurse on our helpline

UK phone 0300 222 5800

Open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm.

contact page re Asthma support in the UK

Helpline

For independent, confidential advice and support call our asthma nurses Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm on 0300 222 5800 (Option 1).

Please visit our Helpline page for more information.

General enquiries

Please contact our Supporter Care Team Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm for general enquiries:

Tel: 0300 222 5800

Email: [email address blocked]

Asthma UK

18 Mansell Street

London

E1 8AA

Fortunately you live in the UK.

Find out from your local Citizen's Advice Bureau whether there are some local support services that you could access.

Then check out the following help resources in the UK

1. gingerbread.org.uk

Gingerbread is the leading national charity working to help lone parents and their children.

2. Family Lives

familylives.org.uk

Guide to splitting up

Open 24/7 and specialises in helping parents under stress, no matter what the problem. You can offload on to them and talk through what would be best for your children.

3.

Family Line

Helpline: 0808 800 5678

familyline.org.uk

It is not unusual to feel you need help with a problem. Even with support from family or friends, you may feel they are just too close to help or understand you. Maybe you just don’t ever really feel heard. We provide help and emotional support by listening to all your family problems.

And talk to your Doctor about the problems you are facing. The Doctor may be able to also refer you to a professional who can give you some support and build the inner strength that exists in you but is being swamped by too much stress.

hope that helps.

Help and support is out there.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIs he in any after school groups? Sports (even with asthma he can find a sport that works for him, perhaps?).

What he needs is structure.

I think it's kind of normal when a kid moves between two household and countries that there ARE some readjustment EVERY time they come home or go there. It's normal. Specially when you have an parent ( in this case his dad) who disregard and ignore things he wants to ignore. And as much as you might try he might keep doing that and there really isn't anything you can do.

Take your son for a medical check up. If he spend a whole summer with no meds he might have outgrown some of the asthma or.. the climate there might be "better" for his condition.

As for feeling tempted to let him go live with his dad, don't feel bad. That doesn't MAKE you a bad parent. But you have to really consider what is BEST for the child, before deciding.

He is only 8 so he can't decide for himself.

What country is his dad living in?

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