A
female
age
41-50,
*mb77
writes:I’m having trouble leaving my partner. Been together about 15 years, married, divorced and back together again. I don’t love him like I did, too much damage has been done, can’t be intimate with him at all. I am very unhappy and desperately want to change things but I can’t talk to anyone. I have tried to end it a few times again, but he just twists everything and turns very nasty. I am at breaking point, I had a bit of a melt down over the weekend, I completely broke down and could not stop crying. We went through a very bad time during our marriage, he was an alcoholic. He no longer drinks and we got back together as I thought he had changed. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. I try to tell him why I think I am depressed, like what he put me through etc and he won’t accept it. He just tells me to pull myself together.... He wants to change me, to be a “better person” he does not like me the way I am. I know I would be better off without him, I just like to bury my head in the sand and I don’t deal with things very well at all. My depression is quite severe and I have never dealt with it properly. I do like him as a person, I would miss him, but this is not healthy for me and I can’t seem to break free again. I’ve got friends but I don't really see them anymore. Whenever I want to go out or do something, even though he tells me I should go, he always moans about it. I'm very confused. I need counselling, the doctor just gives me CBT info and they can't help me.
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female
reader, smb77 +, writes (1 September 2014):
smb77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have an update on this situation
I am still there at the moment, but I have now found messages on his phone to another woman, this has happened 3 times previously. This man is just tearing me apart, but then he turns it around and blames me for everything :-(
I'm currently suffering with severe depression. I've now been given anti depressants - which I didn't want to take but my partner practically made me. I suffer with this because of things that happened in the past between us. We seperated then got back together, There always seems to be other women popping up that I find out about. He meets up with them for chat and coffee. I have always found out because I have found texts etc on his phone. I lost all my trust for him completely as he always lied and then blamed me for not talking to him. I have had a bit of a breakdown also because of it all, but when I do try and talk about it he won't accept any responsibility, he twists and manipulates things. He spends all of his time on facebook with this group that he runs. Where he speaks to lots of other women. He has no respect for me, I feel that he is laughing at me. I had a gut feeling something was wrong over the weekend - he was taking his phone everywhere with him, it was only when he was in the shower I had a look, there were messages to a girl on there saying he would bend her over his knee and wanting snuggles and cuddles. All this was happening when we had been arguing. He always turns his phone away when typing a message. He's made me so paranoid I don't know what to do. He does not know I have seen these messages. But I know I need to sort this and now. I just don't know what to do :-(
A
female
reader, smb77 +, writes (6 August 2014):
smb77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thank you for your answers they have really helped. Yes I have been fobbed off by the doctors. But I am going on Friday so I will see if I can put some pressure on. I had CBT a few years ago and found it did not help - at that time I was having alot of anxiety thats why I went. But I actually learnt to control that myself, its still not easy though. When I asked for counselling again the doc just gave the CBT leaflet, they have told me that I don't need CBT as I am severely depressed, they can not help me. So I will tell this to the doctor as well. Its interesting what you said about the co-dependancy thing, I will have a look for that book thank you. Thank you all for your help - I hope I get this sorted soon :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): It's very important that you take control of your mental health care because, all too often in the UK, doctors will fob off women who are suffering from depression. You must find a doctor who will take a more sympathetic viewpoint and ask for counselling rather than CBT. CBT doesn't seem quite right for your situation - it's more geared towards controlling a specific problem such as OCD or social anxiety, not really for depression. You must be firm with the doctor about wanting counselling, otherwise they may try to fob you off - honestly, I've countless stories from friends with different ailments who are routinely told there's nothing really wrong with them (by doctors).
On another note, read Co-Dependency for Dummies. You can get a cheap copy from Amazon. It very much sounds as if you are co-dependent on your husband (ex?) because you didn't have the right things put in place in your very early years to allow you to form independence as you were growing up and into an adult - further down the line this is why adults become co-dependent - it's a kind of false form of intimacy where you can't leave but are very unhappy staying. If you read this book - however many times you need to read it - and also go to counselling to support and enhance what you are learning about yourself, then you stand a really good chance of setting yourself free.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): When you say that CBT can't help you, does that mean you have tried CBT before and it hasn't helped or that the CBT service has turned you down?Has your G.P referred you on to the mental health services for an assessment because he should. Are you on anti-depressants, has your G.P considered changing them or increasing them.In the UK we get very comfortable with our free health care service and we often balk at the idea of paying for a treatment but when our health service lets us down, then maybe we should consider parting with our cash.I suffer form severe refractive depression and when the NHS in my area could not offer my anything (I was turned down by the CBT service because I was "too ill" and turned down the mental health treatment team because they felt I wasn't ill enough) With the help of family and friends I was able to find a private therapist. I am now paying for therapy twice a week. I can't afford it because I lost my job but my parents are paying. Highly embarrassing as I'm even older than you but I had to rely on whatever resources were available.The BACUP website lists all accredited counsellors and therapists in the UK so you should be able to find one in your area.I think you need to do all this before you can get the strength to leave your husband.In the mean time, if you really need to talk to someone call the Samaritans at any time. Their service has helped me many times.There are no quick fixes though, getting out of depression is a lot of hard work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): Can you move in with a friend or family member? If so, do so and don't look back. Your partner is the one who is making you miserable. You say that you like him as a person. Why? He is abusive. He ridicules you.
I felt the same way before I left my ex, and now I keep remembering things he did to me that I totally blocked out. I am much happier on my own, and I am happy that I have better things to look forward to. I once read that a cracker would taste like a gourmet meal to someone who has been starved for a month. You have so many bad times that the few good times you have seem better than they actually are. Separate yourself from this abusive partner to give yourself a better perception.
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