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My daughter wont let him in the house, and my parents say to leave him

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Family, Health, Pregnancy, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2014) 12 Answers - (Newest, 3 January 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm 43 been in a relationship over a year and a half I love him but he cheated on me with his ex, we got back together and I fell pregnant all my family are telling me to have an abortion and get rid of him I love him it's over between him and his ex but can he be trusted dong know what way to turn

My daughter is blackmailing me won't let him come to the house if he dose she moves out and turns the two kids against us

I'm in turmoil I love him even thou he has a history of cheating

I'm confused about my parents family controlling and they have always blackmailed me and I've ended relationships I didn't want to.

My boyfriend assures me he just wants me and the baby and it's our last of happiness although he drinks heavily and dose not work I'm so confused so hurt I feel like I'm trapped my daughter won't mind kids for me to go anywhere I really need some advice please

View related questions: abortion, cheated on me, got back together, his ex, trapped

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015):

Why would any woman bring a child into the world with ageing parents and a Dad with no job, no job prospects and an alcohol problem who cannot be trusted either because he's cheated? You need to get counselling for low self esteem - urgently - because you are about to create a terrible situation for another human being if you go ahead with this pregnancy. You clearly haven't grown up yet and still have unresolved issues with your parents, which is why you are suspicious of their motives. You haven't grown up and are acting very, very irresponsibly. Go to counselling and sort out your own mess before inflicting it on a child - children of alcoholics grow up damaged.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (3 January 2015):

OP, in cases like this, when your family seems pitted against you and your boyfriend, there are two options:

1. Everyone is wrong

2. You're biased.

Tell me, when your parents and even your own daughter are all urging you to leave this man, who also happens to be an alcoholic, which option seems the most likely? Your family is trying to look out for you. They have nothing to gain by denying you happiness unless said 'happiness' is bound to result in a lot of misery for you and by extension them. Bringing a baby into the mix? At your age? If you don't abort it I hope you miscarry because the chance it'll be handicapped is pretty big. And then being born in this toxic environment...not a fate I'd wish on any child.

OP, whatever you do with the relationship is your business. If you want misery and angst, that's your choice. But your child has no choice. So do the right thing and abort it. We have more than enough people on this world. If one chooses to have a baby, it should be born in the most ideal circumstances possible. Your circumstances are far from ideal.

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A male reader, millerch3 United States +, writes (2 January 2015):

Tell your daughter it's it's bad to black mail someone and he is possibly her future dad so stop or she is grounded and tell your parents you love him and he loves you I think they will understand but why not just move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015):

It will be the family who are apparently blackmailing you that will be picking up the pieces when the atrocity of a man leaves you.

No one can tell you what choice to make with regards to the baby, you need to weigh that up and be honest with yourself whether you really want another child at this point in your life and how it fits with you. You will not have support from this waste of space man and your family are in their own way trying to save you from him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 January 2015):

I've never met you, but I will venture to guess that you like soap-opera romances. There is a lot of drama, emotionalizing, cheating, and disrespect. You're always on the receiving-end, and totally devoted to man-trash. I also suspect that most of your past relationships are pretty much like the one you're in now. You're always the betrayed victim of a villainous lover. That is so romance-novel it's sad. If not absurd!

He has dragged you down to his level. Most unfortunate.

Your family is always rescuing you from your choices. Your daughter, is the wiser of the two of you. You are so addicted to this man, and his narcissistic-abuse, you're nearly his mind-slave. As many women get older, they feel their choices among men are fewer; and they falsely believe men always prefer younger women. So they settle for, and cling to, the worst representations of our gender. You are living in the "old-school" frame of mind that you need a man to take care of you, or you can't survive alone. Only he doesn't take care of you. He's just an engorged tick! Draining the life from you!

It is not true by any means; "that any man, is better than no man at all!" You can do terrible all by yourself, sister! Why enlist the help of a loser?

I once actually over-heard a very well-educated female colleague of mine say that!!! She held-on to an alcoholic boyfriend, until it nearly cost her her career. He eventually died of cirrhosis of the liver. Tragic, but his death saved her life! He was a foul drunk and a very mean man. She was 60 at that time. Her personal-business was all over the office. She was fortunate enough to get a transfer.

She missed work and important meetings because of HIM!!!

I think you enjoy drama so much, that you'd find a healthy normal relationship boring. Even frightening! You're a mature woman, and you used the old strategy of getting pregnant to trap a man into staying in your life. You know you've got him as long as you have a child; and child-support authorities will help you hunt him down wherever he might go.

Your love is misplaced, and your family is not blackmailing you. They are protecting you from your foolishness, and you're bringing a child into a bad situation. He cheats because he doesn't have a molecule of respect for you, and he knows sex is available when there is no place else to find it. Your self esteem is so low, you feel he's the best you can do. You feel he's the center of your universe.

Well, your daughter has the brain you should have. You haven't set a very good example for her. Seems she has turned out well in spite of it. She and the rest of your family loves you, and that's a wonderful thing. He is using you, because other women wouldn't put up with him for one single solitary minute. He's a beat-up old player.

Listen to your daughter and your family. Detach yourself from your cycle of failure, and seek counseling from a women's support-group. You need therapy to help raise your self-esteem and to teach you how to rebuild your self-confidence. You don't seem to realize your value, and you allow your heart to overrule your better judgement.

The situation between you and your daughter should be in reverse. You should be protecting her from her mistakes.

Not the other way around. You are most fortunate they're there for you. They will at some point give-up in exhaustion and frustration. They will become estranged.

If they ever reach that point; you would be in the worst situation of your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015):

I am a mental health nurse and it is not our job to judge others but to give sound clear advice on the situation . Alcoholism is a an addiction like any other . It can turn sweetest person into a living nightmare . Their need for alcohol no's no bounds . In that I mean they will do anything to get that next drink.

As the previous aunts have said baby's cost money . They need consistency and love and warmth and kept safe . This man can not guarantee that for you. He doesn't work and will need emotional support to overcome his addiction . This takes time and energy . Where would you find this energy from . As a late time mother as well just turned 40 lol my 7 year old and 3 year old and 21 yr autistic son take a lot of our energy myself and my husband I honestly couldn't do it without him .

I'm not saying you should abort the baby that is only a decision you can make and noone would judge you here. If you want the baby then make sure you have family support and keep him at bay for visits etc until he proves in two or three years he is sober to take on a family life .

The people that should come first are you, your daughter and the baby .. He is not a factor in this mix as yet .

Take care and think before you step into something you may later regret ..

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (1 January 2015):

Dear OP,

While I am sorry that you feel controlled and blackmailed.. there seems to be a reason that your family tries to intervene in your relationships. It seems that they don't trust in your ability to make sound decisions, and when I read your story, I can understand them. It sounds like life is rather "happening" to you, than you making plans, thinking long-term and being responsible.

As a pregnant woman with an already grown up daughter, you should know that it's hard work to raise a child. And that you're rather old to step up to this task.

Now, instead of having a man who will support you and your child, you defend a relationship with an unemployed, cheating alcoholic. I think that in such a situation, even the nicest and most supportive family might react shocked and worried and trying to convince you to step back.

Because.. they might be scared that you'll end up alone, with financial problems and a small baby, and all the work that you can't do will fall on them. Or, you will raise a damaged child. Or, that you will also start to drink (or that maybe you are already drinking, while pregnant).

My advice is to consider your situation in a REALISTIC way. Put aside the butterflies and the heartache for a moment and think as if you were the manager of a company, and the company was your life.

How are you going to provide for the child and its education? How do you think you can be a good mother for the next 20 years, with a partner like this? How do you think your child can be healthy, if he/she grows up around an addicted person with no job?

If you can present to your family a healthy and sensible "business" plan how you want to survive the next years and be a responsible parent, then maybe they will stop "blackmailing" you. Maybe they can start to trust you again and make less attempts to control you. But if you just come up with confused ideas and dreams, then you need to be prepared for resistance. This resistance is not necessarily mindless or mean, it might be some desperate attempt to set you in a more realistic mode. Don't just refuse to hear other peoples' concerns. It's not pleasant to be criticized, I get that, but the criticism might also help you to understand the possible traps in your life.

Whatever you decide, it seems that you are struggling with many difficulties in your life and it would be a good idea to get professional help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015):

If you feel trapped now, you are 100% going to feel trapped with a baby, a jobless alcoholic and no family support.

We can all tell you 'until the cows come home' to LISTEN to your own family but unless you actually WANT to listen, no matter how much it hurts you, then nothing we can say or do will help.

I can tell you from my own experience that men who don't work and who drink a lot have an addiction to alcohol and cannot cope with life. They look to a woman to shelter them and they usually pick a woman who is both strong but also very weak in some ways. They will pick a woman who is strong enough to take the hardship and depression and degradation involved in being with a drunkard who has never grown up and cannot support himself, never mind a family. And, in the same woman, they will choose someone who is weak because she has very low self esteem and very little sense of what real love is. They will do everything in their power to charm you and make you feel special and it won't feel fake at all because it comes so naturally to them to do this. And when things get tough, which they will do a lot of the time, they will do everything in their power to make you feel emotionally responsible for staying with them and being strong for them - it will come down to you time and time and time again feeling that you have to "prove" to your man and to the rest of the world that your love is like no-one else's and your love is real, sincere and truthful. You will have a need to prove this because you want to believe that such a love does exist and that you are able to give it, especially because you will be convinced, by now that you and he have something unique.

Believe me, I have been there and done that and come out the other side. DON'T do it. Your sense of self worth has become about proving you can stand by him and seeing your neediness for him as evidence that it's true love. It isn't, you're being played - and played instinctively, by one of the millions of men that have learned how to cheat their way into a woman's heart from a very young age.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (1 January 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI think you need to listen to your family rather than this man who has a history of cheating and drinking and who does not work. He can't support you, he will simply drink up any money he can get and then piss it up a wall, sorry to be so crude and blunt, but there it is.

Is this man really worth losing your daughter over? He has already proven to you that he is a cheat, so he can't support you emotionally, and he doesn't work so he can't support you financially .........

It is not your daughter's position to be staying in and minding your other children so that you can go out, she is probably reluctant to do this for you due to the sort of men you get involved with, no hopers! And this one really is a no hoper.

Talk to your doctor about any possible issues that may arise in the pregnancy as a result of your age, think very carefully about having to support another person for the next 20 years, consider the fact you are already complaining your daughter wont help mind the children you currently have ..... what will it be like if you add another child to the mix. Your no hoper, cheating boyfriend isn't capable of being of any practical or financial help.

The choice to have an abortion or not is a deeply personal decision, but in this case I strongly suggest you listen to your family, doctor and if you can see one, a social worker. . If the doctor feels you (and the potential baby) will survive the pregnancy okay, then consider the fact the baby is more likely to be accepted by the rest of your family IF THE FATHER IS NOT PART OF THE PACKAGE.

I have been where you are at, staring at middle age, single, kids, the whole box and dice, and no matter where you stand the future does not look all that wonderful or fulfilling.

The problem is we think a man is just what we need to make it better, any man. But that is flawed thinking, because when you introduce a man into your, and your children’s, lives any problems that man has now become the problems of your kids, and this man has lots of problems, do your kids really deserve to have those problems forced onto them?

While I believe we all need to spend time with other adults, it doesn’t have to be all that often, a night out every couple of months with a group of people can often be just what we need. But before we get to that point it might be necessary to change a few of our habits, instead of expecting your daughter to stay home and mind your other children start doing things with them as a family, get your daughter on board so she will join in.

Use the money you would normally spend when you go out to take a weekly treat, even if it is just to walk around the block, buying icecreams on the way back, or a thermos to a park to feed ducks, window shopping, anything happening locally that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. Or do that fortnightly, and on the off weeks have family board games nights. Turn off the TV and other distractions. It isn’t going to be easy, you have to change the kids habits as well as yours, bribe them if necessary, but its time to stop waiting for a knight in shining armour to come save you and start creating a better life for you and yours, because when it is all boiled down, only you can do that.

And finally, who adds the most to your life, your daughter or your cheating, drinking unemployed boyfriend?

I know which one will stick by you for the rest of your life, the big question is, do you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015):

Im so sorry.

I honestly believe you need to listen to your family. Ask yourself how you would feel if it were your daughter in this situation. Im sure you would want her to be happy and with a descent man, rather than someone who lies, drinks and cheats.

You raised her to know better, so the strength is within you to get out of this relationship as soon as you can.

Only you can decide whether you want an abortion or not; and please don't allow anyone to influence your decision on is YOUR choice.

Speak with your family. They are the people who truly care for you, not this man.

I hope it turns out well for you. You deserve an honest, truthful man who will respect and care for you.

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A female reader, Midnight Shadow United Kingdom +, writes (1 January 2015):

Midnight Shadow agony auntWhilst I won't tell you what to do in regards to the pregnancy, I will tell you that you're a grown woman and need to act like one. No more allowing others to blackmail you or listening to your parents family.

You need to make this decision yourself. However, it won't be your daughter's job to mind your child/children for you to go out because you'll be a new mum again and will have to do that yourself or get a babysitter, as well as the fact that your family seem right about this guy.

Where you using two forms of protection against pregnancy? If not, you didn't really "fall" pregnant because you knew it was a possibility and didn't do much (if anything) to avoid it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I know you love your boyfriend, but he's a heavy drinker who doesn't have a job, so he doesn't sound like he's ready to be a father or a decent partner.

Best of luck.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (1 January 2015):

I'm sorry, but I think your family is right.

Sounds like you have a history of letting your heart make your brain take a backseat. You are ruled by emotion.

A man who drinks heavily and doesn't work is a man who won't be a good partner or father.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

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