A
female
age
51-59,
*bj10
writes:My 17 year old daughter has been trying to tell me she is bisexual for the last six months.I have responded with kids today are bicurious and that is what she is doing. Each time she mentioned it I would cut off the conversation, and say I can't talk about this. In the last year, she has changed schools and friends. Her new friends are mixed and has gay friends that she has been hanging out more. She has been getting out of the house more than she use too and having fun compared to how she use to be with her old friends from the other school that disowned her after changing schools. She has been through a lot this year, and I am now realizing this as I am typing.Then the other day I saw her facebook that she is dating a girl, it became a reality. I completely snapped and lost it, by telling her to remove everything from the internet, and saying to break up with her. I just did not respond well at all. We yelled, cried for hours on the phone. I did not handle it well at all. Since then I can't sleep, all I do is cry. She has been dating guys these past years, and only now she has her first girl friend. She did tell me she kissed a girl before and I just threw me off. I always thought I could tell if someone was lesbian or gay, but bi is new to me. I know there are people that enjoy both sexes but I figured it would be more one sided. I just don't see my daughter this way. The way she always reacted when she had a crush on a guy, seemed like every young girl crush, over the top. But when she told me that she had that same excitement over a girl, I just ignored the signs. I still can't believe it.I asked her if she is still a virgin in the bi world and she said yes, not sure if I believe her but she has not lied to me this far. I really want to beieve this is a phase because I hear many girls in the school are bicurious these days. I was thinking because there is no guy persuing her and a girl is then that is why she is doing this. Like acceptance is what she is looking for. I am so lost in this and don't know how to handle this better without making rude comments about it and hurting her feelings. I know this got to be hard for her, making her decisions, accepting who she is. It just makes me angry. I honestly thought I would handle this better, but I am in such shock. I know she is young and who knows what can happen in time, but I just want her to be happy with a guy, and to snap out of this phase. It is going to take me time to accept if she becomes fully gay. Does that happen? Can you be bi, then choose which you prefer and become completely one sided? Or you can't change who you are and if you are bi than that is what you will always be? I can't sleep, I cry and cry, and can't stop...it is just in my head, and I can't let this go. I did tell her that no matter her choices that I do love her and that will never change. She responded that it didn't sound that way with all the hurtful things I said this past week. I then said I am sorry that I said all those things, it was my reaction to this situation, even though a bad reaction, I still love her and I am sure one day I will accept things but please give me time. Then she also told me in the last couple of weeks, that she is joining the Army. I told her she needs to keep her sexuality private because it is not tolerated in military. In my arguing I even threatened to tell them she is Lesbian so they won't accept her. As I write this I can't believe I made the threats and comments that I did to her. I always thought I would be understanding with a more calming approach if I was ever confronted with this situation. Anyway that was not the case. In the last year she has dropped one shocker after another, and these last two is taking me over the edge. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
crush, facebook, lesbian, military, still a virgin, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): I appreciate all the advice given at this site. My daughter and I are doing great. I can't be more proud of who she is and all that she has endured. She is a strong young woman, she holds her head high and she has taught me so much. I may not have handled it well in the beginning which brings me shame cause I never thought I would have handled it that way but can't take that back...We moved on from that and our relationship is so strong, and I am so proud to be her mom. I love her so much and I am so amazed at how she has grown to be a independent women who stands tall and stands by her beliefs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): Hay my daughter had just told me today and she felt like i would look at her differently and thats why she didnt tell me a long time ago so yeah heres my anwser just love them no matter whdt u or they d.... u
...............................
A
female
reader, pbj10 +, writes (9 May 2011):
pbj10 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi rdj, Thanks for your post. Growing up I always thought if my kids came to me and told me they were gay, I figured I handle it very calmly. I really never thought about bisexual...and how I would handle it. Now since my daughter told me she was she has been in a relationship with two girls. It is hard to deal with, but I smile and accept because I love her. She chuckles cause she knows it bothers me but I am so grateful we have a good relationship. when I first found out I snapped, big time...said such awful things that I could never take back, and for that I so regret it. I can't say sorry enough times, but since then it has been ok. Of course she blocked me from all her facebook, but she did not delete me so that is ok. I know I handled it so poorly. I still pray that she snaps out of it but it is not a phase it is part of who she is. She is comfortable in her own skin and I am so proud of her. When she asks me advice it is hard but I do give her the best advice I know how when it comes to relationship issues. It doesn't make a difference who she is going out with, relationship drama is all the same. I have a son four years old, and I hope that if I am faced again with this I will handle it better. All I pray for her is a happy life. If she does decide to marry a man, I won't lie I will be happy, but if she decides to be with a woman, I just have to accept and welcome her with open arms. I say this with hesitation because I still fight with it...It is just weird, I can't explain it. But I tell her every day that I love her and I stand by her no matter what. Whatever my flaws are I ask her to please excuse them, I will get over it. I haven't told anyone yet, because I felt it is not my place it is hers. I did tell my sister and that is it. She can tell her father and the family if she wants. Her personal life is her business, it is up to her. All I can say is just keep telling her and him that you love them no matter what. I tried explaining my feelings with my daughter and she doesn't get it. It is so open now with the kids these days compared to when we were younger, and I am not making excuses but it is different now. I am proud that she can hold her head up high, not care what others think of her, and able to still talk with me. When she says a little too much detail, I stop her and say ok, that is all I can handle...I am good....and try to give her advice up to that point, from there she is on her own to make her decisions. It has been an interesting months but overall I still have a relationship with her, I love her unconditionally, and I am proud of her. So on that note, just love your kids, I feel your pain, who would have thought we would be going through this. But just imagine how hard it is for them. Our kids are amazing, they are so strong that they were able to tell us this, and feel like they are ready to face life openly. For that be proud, and know that you are not alone....take care of yourself cause I know our thoughts could take over and it can become unbearable. We just need to keep letting go...but being there for them every step of the way in their life. Good luck! D~
...............................
A
female
reader, rdj  +, writes (3 May 2011):
hi, i can relate to your post. I am going through the same thing at the moment. I am so shattered and these feelings are so much to bear. Not only have I had to deal with this, but my son who is 16 is gay. I was just getting over that shock and now this. I think it was easier hearing about my son than my daughter. She says she thinks she is bisexual cos she said she does like boys (but has never had a relationship with boys, but has kissed them). She says she hopes it is a phase and I am praying that this is the case. I am not homophobic, but it has shocked me at how much I am not dealing with it. I see that your post was last oct. and I hope your situation has resolved itself in one way or another. For all I thought I would react if ever my children were gay, I have had such different feelings. It is so hard - and I can't help how I feel too. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. regards rdj
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I'm sorry, but after reading about how you've elected to deal with this situation, I am nothing but disgusted. Myself, I am 19 years old, and a lesbian. If there is one thing about your daughter which I can discern from what you've written here, it is that what she is feeling is most definitely not a phase. Having been through all of this myself already, the whole 'coming out' experience, I can say without a doubt that telling your parents is by far the hardest step in the process. It takes alot of courage, and alot of dedication to what you are feeling in order to come out and express those feelings to your parents. There was no way in HELL I was bringing up the topic of homosexuality with my parents until I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that it was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY (ie. there was no doubt in my mind that I am in fact a lesbian). This is a conversation that your daughter would not risk having with you unless she was absolutely certain that it's the real deal. I had my first girl-crush in the third grade, and since then those feelings have only been building. Still, I did not tell my parents until I was entirely sure of myself. Your daughter sounds like she knows what she is talking about. The second thing I will say to you is that it sickens me how some people still see homosexuality as a choice. It is not a choice. Do you really think that anyone in their right mind would CHOOSE to be discriminated against? Probably not, since there are still ignorant people such as yourself out there who think that being gay is "wrong". Let me tell you something, honey. Love is love. It knows no gender. The whole notion of heterosexuality is entirely old-fashioned, anyways. It's about the person, not the genitalia. If your daughter falls in love with another woman, so what? At least she's in love, real love, and at least she's being honest with herself. Let me ask you something. Why is it not okay for a woman to marry another woman, even if she loves that other woman beyond belief and would never lie or be unfaithful to her. Yet, it's totally okay for a straight man to marry a straight woman, and he can cheat on her as much as he wants as long as he's doing his cheating with someone of the opposite sex. Sure, adultery is frowned upon, but it's nowhere NEAR as horrible as homosexuality, right? It's the 21st century, babe. Time to get with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): In response to mongo5888 I would like to say you are right that the way I handled it was horrible...not sure I would say vile...but that is your opinion. I guess you didn't read my response, below your comments.... If I could take back all that I said to her I would...if I could...but I can't....I only can explain how I feel and how sorry that I reacted that way....I was angry and unfortunately that is I how responded. Yes I know I need to work on myself...but in my defense I came on dear cupid to hear how I can learn to accept it, and to hear from others that went thru similar situations, and how they handled it. Since it has happened, we have talked, and talked. Even though it is still uncomfortable for me to hear, I still told her that she should not be ashamed of who she is and how she feels, I should be because I never thought I would ever react that way. I told her that I am proud of her and how strong she was to tell me and how proud she is to have no shame in her feelings. She talks to me openly about everything in her past and how she came to me now about this. You are right I should be ashamed, and I am....again, can't take back how I reacted....only can change how I handle it from this point on. I also told her that I am so proud to be her mom, and all that I said I said out of ignorance. I know it is something she cannot change, I accept that..When I went off on her she handled me well....she was hurt but we talked it out and I explained how sorry I was, I will work on my anger issues. She has taught me alot thru this. The one thing is it is harder to live a life hidden from everyone....the way she said it was....I am ok with it, and if everyone is not, that is there problem. She said she will tell everyone when she thinks its the right time...on her time....but that is not going to stop her living her life. If they so happen to see her with a girl...well then they could deal with it at that time....It is no ones business who she goes out with, it is only hers but she is not going to hide it in shame...I agree with all that she said, and I couldn't be more proud. I would never jeopardize her plans for her future, again that was anger talking...and it is now in check.....
As for your mongo5888 you should tell your family if you are ready...why carry that burden....again only if you want to.....if they react like me, hang up and walk away...they will snap out of it when they are ready....besides they probably know already but didn't get confirmation from you, so they just don't want to face it....then there is in your response to my message....I see it is personal for you, how I responded and for that I am sorry...I am sorry that people are so unaccepting, I can't imagine what you have to go through, to fight for how you feel, because it is different. I only see what my daughter is going through. Apparently she didn't hide it from me since day one, I just kept on pushing the conversation out the door because of my issues.....so my loss....not hers...she did not lie to herself....she came out long time ago, I just refused to listen.....Please I was going to punish her because she is bi....what the heck was I thinking...of course we talked about that too and she laughed and said mom come on you were going to punish me because I was bisexual...how sad is that....and she is so right...how sad......all I can say is that is what came out of my mouth...I was reaching......Be proud of who you are....no need to hide...why.....it hurts you......I don't hate who she is, nor do I hate her....and I don't hate others for their choices...I think the way I responded was because of my issues, and because it was my daughter....I would not have put anyone else down because of their choices...it is just something I reacted badly over....and she knows that....so on that note I thank you for your comments...because it did help me realize that it is acceptable and it is ok to have an initial reaction...mine being a bit extreme but I am sure I am not the only one that has ever handled it this poorly....but I am ok with everything now...we talked....we laughed....and we are moving on from it....it is up to her to tell the family her business...it is not my place.....and it is not a conversation I need to bring up with everyone, unless they ask, I would not be ashamed to say who my daughter is.....because at the end of the day...she is my daughter....and I truly love her for who she is...and that will never change.....and I think, no I know she knows that...so that is all that matters to me....so thank you, all.
...............................
A
male
reader, mongo5888 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 I think that how you are handling this is HORRIBLE. It is disgusting and vile. Threatening to tell the Military that she is into chicks just because YOU don't like it? It's not YOUR Life honey, wake up. Not trying to be rude here but you need a SERIOUS reality check. Why don't you try acceptance...it's a powerful thing and becoming quite popular these days. Good Lord, people like you are the reason that I have never came out openly to everyone that I know. Hate...pure HATE. LOVE, NOT HATE!
...............................
A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 You probably realise that this is your problem not your daughter's. Everyone's entitled to an opinion, but Homophobic behaviour is very silly and an ugly trate. You need to ask Yourself what's wrong with you to make you feel this way, why do you dislike her sexuality what's wrong with it? Your daughter's being very tolerant of your behaviour, I hope you can be supportive of her In the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, pbj10 +, writes (26 October 2010):
pbj10 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your thoughts, opinions, and advice. My daughter and I did talk yesterday and it was not an out of control conversation. She told me how she feels and when she started to feel this way. Looking back she told me from the beginning but I kept stopping the conversation. I see it now, but it took the weekend and all those emotions to come out before I started putting the pieces together. It is amazing what we choose to see and what we choose to ignore. I honestly wished I would have acted differently but I can't take it back. All I can do is be there for her. It is going to take time for me to fully adjust to it, because it is hard to hear her talk about girls in that way, I just don't see it. But I need to learn to keep an open mind. She is my daughter and I can't be more proud of her. I love her very much and tell her daily. I may have not reacted in a calm manner but I know in time I will accept her choice. Your right about feeling a loss because she is 17 and all grown up with adult choices. It is hard to let go but that is all I can do other than keep letting her know that I am here for her no matter what. I know she knows that but when I react the way I do I think it will make her hesitate in the future. When she has told me shocking news in the past my first reaction has never been good, but after a day it subsides and I explain to her how sorry I am and that I will try to not snap again. Here I did it again. I know I have issues, but overall she still comes to me and tells me everything, I just need to listen better. Thank you again, I really appreciate to hear the hardcore truth about this subject. It helped me deal, and it helped me when I had the conversation with her about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): I understand that you're feeling hurt and confused and whatnot and I don't mean this to cause any offense, but seriously - it's not really all about you. She must be very confused and hurt as well. You're her mother and you're meant to support her, not have a go at her. It's not like she's out shooting up heroin or battering old grannies, she just likes girls as well as boys, it's not exactly a big deal (or even any sort of deal, it just is what it is - and that's neither good or bad). You should really apologize to her and make it more obvious that you SUPPORT her. Don't talk about what you want from her life, listen to what she wants. Just remember that she has done absolutely nothing wrong, this is your problem not hers. Good luck :-) xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss.Knowitall  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Why don't you just do this.
Stop and think, no matter who she likes she is still the same little girl you watched grow up. If it is a phase and she just discovering herself you still have to let her know that you support her. Stop thinking about how you feel about this and think about her. She needs her mom right now. She needs to know that out of everyone on this plant her mom excepts her for who she is and who she likes. Your pain does not matter. It is not your choice or life. Your daughter is brave enough to come out and tell people and you just pushed her away.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 October 2010):
 My daughters are 18 and 21, both are bisexual. I didn't need to be told, I just observed who they were dating and who they talked about. I felt proud that they were so relaxed with me that they could be open about things. Both have had male and female relationships and I am happy that they are both happy and have at least a 50% better chance of finding someone to share life long happiness with. Im not big on marriage so it wouldnt grieve me if they didnt marry and they may both have children in the future.
I am sorry your so sad about your daughter, it's huge news to take in and I can understand your pain but I also hope you and your daughter can reach mutual ground.
Hugs xx
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (25 October 2010):
 You are going through another transition here, not just the ones that your daughter is throwing at you or because of the curves that she is throwing.
You are now at that stage in your life where you are starting to realize that you no longer have any say in her life. That's what happens when they are 17+!
Letting go of making decisions for them; stepping away and watching them make their own decisions and realizing that they aren't children or teenagers who need our constant approval and guidance really comes as a shock; and especially under THESE circumstances. It's hard to bite your tongue and step back and watch them, even if they have to flounder through what you think are bad decisions or; in your daughters case, opt for a totally different path than you had chosen for her when she was 'your little girl'. She still looks to you as her mother - the person who she comes to for 'unconditional love'.
Your disapproval and outburst run the risk of getting you banned or shunned from her completely if you don't learn some coping skills. The best group for this is PFLAG! As Tisha-1 said!
If you DO still want her to hear 'your voice' in her mind while she is making these decisions, you need to back WAY off and calm down when you are discussing things with her. Her choices are NOT a direct reflection on you, your values, or a reflection of your mothering skills. Of course, it's not a choice to be gay or bi; it's a 'biological fact' that she was born with. The way that you wrote about your reactions was in 'very selfish mommy mode' - sorry - but it just seemed to all be about you - "Me, Me, Me" - at a time when your daughter was in crisis.
I'm sure that you daughter is struggling to cope with all of these important decisions in her life right now, but you just wanted to talk about how it affected you and how wrong you thought her choices were; when what she wanted to do was get some reasonable support from a person who loved her. Having said that; I'm sure that this must have come as a shock at the time - and it's never a great thing - to discuss something immediately after a shock. I'm just saying, after having some time to cool off about the news, that by being a calm in the future, you can be an insider in her life, you will still have some INFLUENCE in her life and still provide some guidance.
As parents of adult children, we no longer have control over their decisions, but if we are the calm voice of reason, we can still have influence in their lives.
I think that PFLAG is the best place to go to get some guidance as a parent. You will probably be relieved that you weren't the first person to flip out or not know what to do next, and I'm sure there are a lot of people there who have been there, done that, and they also have the t-shirt with PFLAG on it! Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): Okay, i understand that you are upset but don't make her feel horrible for how she feels. She can't help it. I don't really consider myself bi, but i think women are sexy. I have always been in relationships with men except once i was with a girl in high school but it wasn't that much of anything. I also have a male friend that dated girls, then he said he was kind of interested in guys then he dated a close girl friend of his and after that he came out and said he was completely gay. You keep calling it a phase but if she is really trying to come out and tell you how she feels i think it is more then a phase. Look at it this way, she will never come home pregnant. I think by telling her that she can't date someone is only going to draw her closer to that person and farther away from you. Unless this person is 35 years old or something then don't make it taboo. You need to sit down and really apologize to her. And maybe when you start to accept it invite the young women over you might really like her. It's scary, but if you really love your daughter you have to accept her for who she is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): i can see waht you mean here. I suppose that when you had your daughter you envisioned her life, her with her first love crying over boys and then later on ,when she meets 'the one' and you imagine her wedding day and giving birth to your grandchildren. Its the sort of beautiful dream that we wud all wish for our daughters because we love them but what you have got to remember is that every1 is different and not everybodys dream is going to be the same as the next. Just coz shes bi doesnt mean that she is going to have an unhappy loveless or childless life .Just remember one thing. She is still your daughter, the same girl you held in your arms the day she was born. Be proud that you have raised a young lady who knows what she wants and is happy to share the things that go on in her life with her mother.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Im not sure where to begin, as you already know that you have done wrong and are aware of your own limits. You know you can't handle the situation well, you know you react to it and don't like it, and you feel awful for the things you have said. There is no solid advice on how to "fix" this. There is no fix. You are who you are and your daughter is who she is, and all you can really do is get used to it. Which you find that you can't.
So then, my advice would be to stop talking to your daughter about this. She knows you don't approve, and maybe with time you will find it easier. But why argue about it or even debate it. Why not just leave it as it is and let her figure out things on her own. The best a parent can do is be supportive, and I hope you some day can be supportive of her. But right now you have come to realize you are unable to support her in this matter. Perhaps then focus your attention on the things you are able to support her in, for example school? Or even the Army if that is what your daughter wants. But leave her sexuality out of it.
As for bisexuality in general, you should read up on it a bit. You don't really know much about what it is, you have admitted that much. So why not do something about it and do some investigation, perhaps that will help you come to terms with it easier. Once you know what it is actually about. I see you have a lot of misconceptions. Many people have, so do not be ashamed. I will mention some things on here, as I am a bisexual myself, but the rest you should read up on.
First of all, there is a thing called bisexual. It is not straight, and it is not gay. It doesn't even have to be 50/50. How your sexuality is completely depends on the person. Some straight women like boys 90% and girls 10%. That means they might see if another woman is attractive or not, but they have no sexual interest towards her. Bisexuals can also be like that, divided in interest. A bisexual woman perhaps likes men 60% and women 40%, enough for her to generally be with men and maybe have the occasional girlfriend. Then there are a number of factors. Bisexuals experience dating a bit different from heterosexuals and straight people. We DO have preferences. A bisexual will not date just about anyone. We like a certain type of women, and a certain type of men. Second is that a relationship with a woman is different from a relationship with a man. Some might find females more attractive, but enjoy the relationship with a man better.
And to kill of a common misconception, bisexuals are monogamous as well. Like most people bisexuals can either sleep around or be faithful, but most bisexuals are perfectly happy in a relationship and do not crave to have a relationship with both genders.
And to underline something important: bisexuality is not a crossing path to gayness. People who are bisexual are bisexual just as much as straight people are straight. We tend to love people more based on their personalities than gender, thats all. Some may want to call themselves homosexual after a while, but straight people also come out of the closet occasionally.
As your daughter grows older and gains some life experience, it will be easier for her to determine how many % she likes girls and how many % she likes guys. Being bisexual she will always like both genders, but her preference could change. That however, is very personal, and something she should be allowed to figure out on her own. But as she has been in love with both genders she is undoubtedly a bisexual.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2010):
 I honestly don't have any experience in this area. I do have gay friends, pretty much all male, who have had varying degrees of acceptance by their families. I think at 17 she probably has some good idea as to her sexuality and your trying to deny it or wish it away isn't your best course of action.
She was probably afraid you'd react negatively and seeing as you have made some statement that pretty much confirm that for her, she's probably extremely defensive and quite hurt right now. I would try to convey to her that you will love her no matter what and that she will always be your daughter and nothing can ever change that. If you could conjure up some accepting words, that would be really helpful, even if you aren't feeling so accepting of it right now.
I know some of my friends' parents got involved with PFLAG, I'll post the link here, as a means of finding support for their own upheavals. http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=539 (you'll have to copy/paste that link to get the whole thing as the '?' interupts the link)
I think everything you are experiencing is quite normal and common and you shouldn't beat yourself up (or her either) for this reaction you've experienced. Now is the time to calm down, though, and try to see this through compassionate and objective eyes, with love in your heart. Try to focus on moderating your anger and upset and make contact with the organization PFLAG. They have lots of families who have been exactly where you are right at this moment and they have survived and indeed thrived.
You need support right now. Go get it. I wish you well as you come to terms with the new reality.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 October 2010):
 What's done is done, at least you told her that you love her and that won't change, even if it may not always feel that way. I'm sure hearing that helped, regardless of how she may have felt at the time.
Sexuality is one of those things that many people think is a choice, but it really is not. If you're gay, you're gay. If you're straight, you're straight. If you're bi, you're bi. You may end up with a partner of one sex, but that doesn't mean you've become fully gay, or fully straight. Your daughter is bi, that's just who she is and you need to learn to accept that. Sexuality is really a mess of grey area. I think everyone has some homosexual and some heterosexual tendencies. Usually one outweighs the other, but not always.
She's at an age where she wants to establish her independence and individuality. Be supportive, but still a parent. Just please don't tell her who she can and cannot date. When you make someone forbidden fruit, she'll just want them more. Be there for her when she gets hurt. Let her make her own choices and mistakes. Realize that you can't control her life anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): Well, yes she might change but my sister is the same, and has been for a while, I am just bicurious I would say. But it is not a bad thing if she likes women aswell as men
...............................
|
