A
female
age
41-50,
*im41
writes:Hello all, this is my first story-problem I would like to share with you all and expect your comments and advice.I am almost 37 years old woman and i have a sweet but bossy teenage daughter.I live outside Detroit just with her, since im divorced from her dad 4 years ago. After my divorce my social life was harmed alot.I didnt have many friends since i was married young and my husbund didnt let me go out much.I was working and trying to raise my kid, also stayed single for these 4 years and without a sexual intercourse for about 10 years.Lately I made a close friend in my work,who managed to persuade me that i am still young and i need to have fun and take care of myself, so i did.I went shoping, got some attractive clothes, worked out to have a nice body, use make up.My confidence was really high noticing men checking me out in the streets, but that was just not right for my bossy daughter.We live in a bad hood, my daughter managed to make friends and be pretty popular though, as a punk tomboy.One day she threw something like party in our house calling few friends who brought drinks and stuff which i dont want to know.I asked her to let me stay cause i needed some fun.She talked bad to me, we argued but i wanted to be in a party so hard and i ignored her.I put on a nice short black dress, a pair of white high heeled shoes i had bought 2 days ago, made my hair and make up and i looked like a queen, which was bad for her too and she yelled again.Is she so jealous?I dont get it.Maybe its cause she dresses like a boy i dont know.Party started, music was loud and i was there meeting her friends, who seemed excited to meet me too.She was all pissed which annoyed me, but i had much fun to bother.People keep coming and i noticed at one point some black friend of her getting in house with some guy who looked older than rest.He was his brother and he was 21.I greet him , we were talking for sometime and there was some attraction there...We had some drinks and we came more close, i was so hot watching that mans muscular body, his thick lips, his eyes, touching his perfect skin.Our bodies were close, i was touching his shoulders and arms and i noticed him staring my body...(i got so excited...)Then we danced a bit together in r'n'b rythms and some people were looking us and gossip.I suggested him to go out for a smoke and he came.I was holding his hands in the meanwhile.We got in the street and me a bit drunk, huged him pressing my body onto his.Then i moved my face up and we kissed, starting making out with so much passion.He told me he had his car nearby so we could go there.I followed him there.We got in car , it was like 2-3am, noone around.We got naked, he took a condom from some box he had in car and wear it.He got in me, i was so amused after that many year.We were fucking for really much time, he came 4 times, it was so magical.When we finished, he asked if he can have my thong and i gave it to him.Then he took me back home, some people were still around but i tried to sneak in.I had a bath and went to sleep.Next day my daughter kept asking me questions and i told her all of it.She started yelling on me calling me slut and that people can make fun of her now , especially the brother of the guy i slept with, that her name is ruined and shit, i dont know what is the problem with her.She told me to leave that guy, but i replied that i really like him and i want to keep seeing him, which is what i did.1st time after many years i am enjoying myself, and she doesnt let me.When she meets him she curses him ,she doesnt let us have sex in my house, im so worried, i really like that guy, he is my best lover and i dont want to lose him.Feel free to advice me and make comments, im relieved i spoke now.P.S.excuse me for my english but im not well educated
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condom, confidence, divorce, drunk, jealous, my boss Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): Hi:)
I am the 16-year old who posted a somewhat harsh response. This will be my last post as I would hate to tictactoe with you. This is just my viewpoint and if you don't agree with it or it offends you, you don't have to listen to me
Your daughters friends may wish their mothers were their friends but that has never and will never be the place of a mother. The place of a mother is to set an example for their children, to be a role model, to discipline them, to provide for them, to guide them, to love them unconditionally.
Given - your daughter is giving you an especially hard time BUT you are hardly setting an example for her - hooking up with a guy you just met. Now what you do in that line is your prerogative and I am not making a judgment call when it comes to that, BUT your daughter found out about it and it was with one of her friend's brothers. The fact that she knows about it is what makes the difference.
Would you want her getting drunk and having sex (even if it protected sex) with random guys?
Because if you wouldn't want her doing that then why do you set her that example?
Friends are not too hard to come by in comparison to mothers. Most people only get one mother in a lifetime, but many friends.
Your daughters friends may wish that their mothers were as "cool" as you.. but let's look at this realistically for a moment.
Your daughter and her friends are going through what is a naturally rebellious stage in their lives, and many of them would love the opportunity to do whatever they want, but the only thing stopping them is their parents and their parents rules. If their parents were doing the same things as your daughters friends want to be doing then they wouldn't be able to put the rules they have in place in place. So if there were no rules those teens could do as they pleased. You give the impression of being the kind of parent who wouldn't restrict them. Everyone would like to do what they wanted exactly when they want - and that is why you are appealing to her friends.
But restrictions made by parents are there for a reason: to protect us, to keep us safe, to prevent us from getting hurt (emotionally & physically) or being a socially undesirable person. And realistically we all need our parents and the rules until we can judge for ourselves what we are and are not okay with - morally, in terms of safety & security, socially etc etc. And in our teenage years we get more independance but we are not ready to be making all those decisions for ourselves. When we support ourselves and then we will be ready to handle more of life's problems but until then we need our parents to *be* our parents.
She has enough friends (enough with which to throw a decent party at least) but at the moment she probably feels like she doesn't have a mother, and she will only ever have one of those: you. Don't take away the only mother she'll ever have: be her mother, not her friend.
I'm really not saying give up your social life, or give up your sex life, or give up having fun. *I* want *you* to have fun & enjoy life - I really do. All I am saying is don't do it around her & don't do it with her friends or people in her social circle or where she will find out about it or where it will affect *her* reputation. And it will. Believe you me.
I wish you much strength in dealing with the issues you and your daughter have. I hope you will find a way to compromise & that you will be able to have your own, separate social life. Good Luck :)
"All teenages can be rude and difficult, but as her mother, you have a responsibility to act like an adult around her."
"Until you get back the respect and start showing it...your going to have a tough time re establishing ground rules." - AuntyEm
A
female
reader, Kim41 +, writes (18 April 2010):
Kim41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey why you say im embarashing her?Feeling embarashed its her problem not mine.Her girl friends say im cool and they wished their moms where like me and not the conservative bitches they are so...
Every girl wants a mom that can be friend except of mine
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): Let me explain your story back to you...
You slept with your daughter's friend's brother. So you may as well have had sex with her friend.
I am 16 years old and I'm sorry - but that would affect my social life severely!
I understand that you haven't had a life for ten years - but this is not your daughter's fault and you won't find your social life with her.
You are her mother, not her friend and not her friend's friend or girlfriend. Mother-up and act like her mom, not her friend or friend's friend.
Party - but not at your daughter's parties/her friends' parties.
Have sex - but not with people from her social circles.
If you are her mother, act like it - and don't let your need to be social to affect her life.
I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but YOU ARE HER MOTHER, NOT her friend. Make your own friends & STOP EMBARASSING YOUR DAUGHTER.
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A
female
reader, Kim41 +, writes (17 April 2010):
Kim41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for replying to me...Well we cant afford to leave seperated plus she is 16 years old and she must finish school or something.I still feel the problem is hers, cause she considers im a slut only because ive slept with someone i barely now and hm, she has also issues that he is many years younger than me and he is black and we are white.I dont tell her anything about the way she look or about her punk behavior but she judges me for having sex.Its not fair, i cant see why you cant feel me.I feel so complete now and she just cant accept it, maybe she wants me a slave or something, if you consider this mom.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (17 April 2010):
You need to see this from her eyes, and be less selfish. The fact that you have a bad last 10 years is NOT HER FAULT, yet she is now having to deal with it.
You invaded her space, and most daughters do NOT want their mother at their parties, as it limits their ability to let go and have fun. You put your needs ahead of hers.
You need to move into your own place and let her have her own life. Then you can do and act as you like.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 If you are working and is fiancially independent , you should move out from your daughters place so that your life's will not clash and you will have more privacy.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 I am not surprised your daughter is mad at you. She must have been so embarrassed by your actions. She is a young woman trying to grow up in a difficult situation. All teenages can be rude and difficult, but as her mother, you have a responsibility to act like an adult around her.
If you want to dress sexy and sleep with men, then you most certainly shouldn't be in her face about it. Teenage kids DO NOT wanna know their mothers are having sex. To teenage kids, their mother is sacred and when 'mum' starts acting like a 'slut' (forgive me) the kid will react badly.
It sounds as if your in some sort of competition with your kid. I know you have had a rough time and your building your self esteem, but you seem to have gone about it in completely the wrong way.
Your gonna have to do some serious work to get things back on track but this is your daughter, so you need to work your butt off to show her that you are 'mum' again and that your not going to embarrass her and wanna hang out with her friends again. Until you get back the respect and start showing it...your going to have a tough time re establishing ground rules.
Sorry for the tough talk. I have two girls myself and since I divorced their dad, I have had relationships with a couple of men, but I kept it well away from my kids and did it with respect.
You should do the same.
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