A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my dad is too controlling.i'm 19 years old and i'm at uni and i've moved 30 miles away from home. i live in a flat with 4 other girls and i look after myself and take responsibility for all that i do.my problem is that whenever i come home for my easter or christmas breaks, my dad just treats me like a child again.he expects me to ring him everyday when i'm at uni, he expects me to talk to him on the phone for hours, he expects me to come home every weekend to see him, he doesn't want me to go to my boyfriend's to stay, he doesn't want him to come over to see me, he's just really funny about it all.i could understand him being this way if i was a tear away, but i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't misbehave, i'm doing my degree, enjoying myself with my friends and my long term boyfriend and growing up.it's just too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for all of your advice. really.
i've needed outside advice.
i've had a big chat with my dad. he didn't speak to me all day yesterday & i wasn't going to start up a conversation about it because it was never my problem. yet this morning he decided he wanted to sit down & talk about it.
he said he can't stop me, & there is no balance, he isn't going to stop paying for me at uni, he's not going to stop supporting me through my education.
but he just said it hurts him & that i can't expect him to be smiling all the time when i've stayed out. he said i can't expect him to be happy with me.
he also said he lost all respect for my boyfriend because it takes two & i explained actually i can't even tell my boyfriend because it's embarassing. he also said that he doesn't want me to end up like my boyfriend's sister because she's doing nothing with her life & has no dreams. he said he could see it happening. which really hurt me actually. but i know he's just being a dad & i know he just wants what is best for me. i just said to him that it really hurts me that he puts me down, like he expects the worse. i said to him that he brought me up, he should trust in his parenting that i'll do okay for myself.
though i know deep down i will not fail, i have too much motivation to better myself.
dad said he'd never change his opinions because he's got victorian views, & he said he has high expectation. i said just because people fall short of his expectations, doesn't mean they aren't worth anything.
thank you for all your advice!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Your dad probably still sees you as his little girl and doesn't want to admit that you are growing up. Trying having a talk with him and let him know that while you'll always be his little girl, you don't have time to call every day and talk for hours or go home every weekend. Maybe arrange some kind of get together when you do go home to see him for just the two of you- like going to see a movie, lunch, sports game, etc. That way it gives you both something to look forward to. Understand that he probably just misses you being at home and it's hard for him to see you growing up, but he does love you and want the best for you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Your father is acting like a father, nothing else. Possessive yes, but still just a father. To him you will always be his little girl. Humor him for a while? Tell him you dont have time for hour long phone calls though, when he calls just excuse yourself after a while and say you have homework, or you are watching a movie, or you have to go meet friends or do housework.. there are multiple excuses. I have a father that was slightly worse than yours.. When I moved out he called me at least 8 times a day, before I woke up to check that I was up, then after I woke up to check that I now was up, then before I left for school to check that I was on my way to school then at school to check that I was there, then at lunch... uhm, you get where Im going. And Im not joking! He really did. My aunt also started thinking I was doing drugs, out of no reason whatsoever. I couldn't even tell my father that I talked to boys! I had to pretend I was visiting girls whenever I was at a guy friends place. After I moved in with a guy, had my first boyfriend.. I got the pregnancy chat.. I got the condoms chat from my just as protective aunt.. Well my point is, you are not alone, and you are getting off easy. He will continue to treat you as a child forever most likely. But he is your father, so let him. Stay firm on the things that are important to you, but humor him with the smaller things.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 oh so he feels more love for his morals than you?
thats lovely.
abandon your daughter because she wants to move in with the guy she loves?
Thats nice.
If he is serious?
He's not worth giving the time of day.
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A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (14 April 2010):
Best of luck!One of the reasons I answered this question is because I see some similarities with what I myself have gone through, except that it was with my mom. We did have a period where we almost had no contact, but after a while, things turned out pretty well -- the difference is that *I* am in control of my own lifeI predict that he'll be a crybaby about it and throw fits (since he's used to getting his way), but eventually, he'll adjust.Just keep good contact with your mom and live a good life. You trust simple jealousy to work in your favour :-)Oh, and one more thing: if you stand your ground and live your life on your terms, it will give you a very proud and healthy feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so so much for all of your advice.
i'm deffo going to try it out! i will tell him i can't live my life if he's always checking up on me. & i'll ring him only a few times a week, not everyday. scheduled.
my mum lives with my dad, but i don't have any brothers or sisters. my dad is horrible to my mum though, she understands how i feel, she knows i get upset about it all & she knows i feel like i'm trapped by him. but she can't say anything to my dad because she's scared he'll flip at her. he's not violent, he's just very sarcastic and rude. he's very immature aswell, he just ignores it & doesn't speak to us, like he doesn't want to address the problem.
when my dad sets his rules, there is no compramising. he believes what he thinks is always right, but he's really old fashioned in his views, i don't think he realises how much has changed. if me & my mum don't think the same as him, we get made to feel we're wrong.
i do love my dad but he's pushing me away & i'm just feeling so suffocated.
my mum is just too caring, she just gives, she never stands up for herself. i wish my dad would just stop & see what he's doing.
i had plans to move in with my boyfriend when i was 21, but apparently he's told my mum if i don't move back in back home, he'll not have anything to do with me.
i'm not the irrational one. he is.
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (14 April 2010):
You should not include your mother in this.Take control of the situation and set boundaries. If you run to your mother, you're just sending the message that you're still immature and cannot solve problems on your own.Ask yourself: did you EVER respect a person who went to his or her mother instead of confronting you directly?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Is your mother around? If so maybe she can help explain things to your Dad. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Is your Dad living alone?
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (14 April 2010):
don't listen to him then...
do what you want and tell him you want to live yor life
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I have to agree with you , it is too much . Your dad is frozen in a timeless zone .
You will have to tell your dad to grow up and stop treating you like a little girl.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Well all you can do is talk to him and tell you how you feel. He obviously cares for you and is a bit over-protective, so if you talk to him then hopefully he will be understanding and be happy that you could go to him to talk about this. Generally parents just want you to be safe and happy, and clearly your dad is taking it a bit too far.
Explain to him that you feel now you are 19 he needs to take a step back from your life and just let you get on with it. Tell him that you dont misbehave and all you want is a bit more independence, and to feel like you are really growing up. Try arranging a day once a week where you can have a phone conversation, and limit it to 1 hour max. This way he still gets to keep in touch and feel he is up to date with your life, yet you get a bit more freedom and dont have to check in with him each day. Explain that you have been with your boyfriend a long time now and you see him frequently, and that is just the way it is.
Basically try and talk to him like a reasonable adult - if he sees you being adult about the situation and trying to compromise with him rather than just having a strop about it all, then he might begin to realise that you are not his baby any more and you are growing up.
You cant do much about the situation while you are at home with him, after all you are in his house so you pretty much have to grin and bear it. My mum still treats me like a kid at times when I go home and I am nearly 23! I think this is just something parents do, and if you only go home occasionally then it shouldnt bother you too much.
As for all the other things like having to go see him every weekend - well basically you dont have to do anything you dont want to do. If you have plans for the weekend and would rather not see your dad then tell him you are busy doing xxxxx and you will see him on xxxxxx. You have to start being adult about this and stand up to him, he cannot force you to do anything. If he gets upset then leave him to it - after a while he will be fine, he wont hold a grudge forever just because you didnt see him one weekend. You live miles away from him so technically he has no control over your life, you are the one that is letting him dictate what you do. So if he sees you doing your own thing and standing on your own 2 feet then maybe he might start treating you more like an adult.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (14 April 2010):
It sounds like he's afraid of losing you.
What you need to do is set boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and stick to them. He will adjust over time. These things are normal in parent-child relationships.
I suggest saying "ok, I will call you every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 1 hour".
And then stick to this pattern. Having a clear "schedule" gives him a feeling of regularity and he'll know what to expect and when.
This will give the added benefit of being constructive and mature, which will result in getting the respect you want.
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