New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My Dad has told me he's disowning me for spending the night with my Bf. Feel incredibly hurt. What can I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2014) 11 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm sorry if this post is lengthy and/or complicated. I'm 19 years old, and ever since I turned 18, I've been having more and more issues with my dad.

My parents are divorced, and are very different from each other. My dad is very overprotective, doesn't want me to grow up, spoils me, etc. and my mom is kind of distant from me, not super affectionate, but definitely gives me my freedom and encourages me to be independent.

My dad doesn't want me to drive or have a job.

He actually got upset when I got my driver's license. He buys me whatever I want (most of the time I don't even ask for it). He doesn't let me have my friends drive me around, but I just do it anyway without telling him.

There are many things I've done that he doesn't know about because I don't want to ruin the angelic image he has of me (not anything too crazy, but he doesn't know about many of my past boyfriends because he doesn't like it when I date, he doesn't know that I've drank before and my mom's side of the family allows me to do so, etc.) He doesn't like it when I date someone who isn't white.

He also has Bipolar Disorder, and stopped taking medication a long time ago. He is very stubborn, prideful, and overly emotional, and hates to admit when he's wrong about something. I still love him and I don't think he is a horrible father. But today, everything has blown up in my face, and he says he never wants to speak to me again and he said he is "done with me".

I have a boyfriend who is 21, and my dad actually really liked him, which is strange considering he never really liked any of my past boyfriends. My boyfriend is very mature, "nerdy", not into partying, and he doesn't smoke and only drinks small amounts on special occasions. He's also a virgin like me, and has never had a girlfriend before until me. He treats me very well and completely respects me, and never pressures me. We haven't had sex yet, because I'm scared it will hurt. He's perfectly okay with that though, and I want to work my way up to it eventually. But we mess around without having full-on sex.

This past weekend, my mom went out of town, and I decided I would spend the night at my boyfriend's house Friday night (he lives with his dad and his younger brother), and go to Disney with him Saturday. I told my mom I was going to spend the night at his house and she was fine with it. I didn't tell my dad because I know he absolutely would NOT allow me to go; he would probably call me nonstop, show up at my house to pick me up, or maybe even call the police. So I went, and had a good time at Disney. My dad was supposed to pick me up Saturday so I could spend the night at his house, but he forgot about it. He apologized and said we could spend time together on Sunday. So my boyfriend offered to stay over with me at my mom's house. He came over, and we cooked dinner, drank a bit (2 drinks each, and very low in alcohol percentage; I wasn't even a LITTLE BIT drunk), and watched Netflix, and went to bed.

Early the next morning, my grandma and aunt came over to clean (my mom pays them to help clean our house) and saw that my boyfriend was over, and saw the 4 empty Mike's Hard Lemonade bottles on the table. They didn't seem angry at all, but they did tell my mom and dad about what they saw.

My mom wasn't upset at all, but my dad completely lost it.

He told my mom and I that he is going to stop paying for my college classes, stop taking me to classes, turn off my phone service, refuse to help finance a car for me, and never see me or contact me ever again.

He said he is going to change his email address and phone number so that we can't contact him.

He said he is "walking away from this mess, just like he did with my sister". (My sister is 25, moved to Alaska, and hasn't spoken to or seen my dad in years because he cut her out of his life when she was 13)

My mom is kind of on my side with this, and my mother and I are going to the bank early tomorrow morning to transfer all the money I have in my college and car savings account out before he takes it back.

I am incredibly hurt and heartbroken that he wants to completely cut me out of his life because of what I did. I am shocked that he would do this. My sister and are his only children.

I have no idea how to react to what's going on. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

View related questions: divorce, drunk, heartbroken, money, never had a girlfriend

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014):

Well I think everybody else has about covered it for you on the front of you relationship with your father. However I would say that at 19 you are more than old enough to handle your own affairs. Your father shouldn't be bank-rolling you, you are and adult. Yeah school is expensive, get a job; he doesn't want to drive you to said job or to classes? Take the bus, walk, etc. You managed to be resourceful enough to get alcohol under-aged so get resourceful about your life.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Staceily United States +, writes (28 October 2014):

Staceily agony auntMy father is like your father, and Chi Girl's father. He is extremely controlling, paranoid, abusive, diagnosed with bipolar disorder I believe but no longer takes medicine. Growing up he controlled all of us, I have 3 sisters. Everywhere we went, everyone we talked to, he would even drive by where we said we would be to make sure our cars were there. Or check our movie stubs to see if the time lines added up to when we got home and where we were. He locked my sister in a room upstairs one time, blocked her car in the driveway between two other cars so she couldn't leave.. A real psycho. I have too many stories but you get the gist. He has disowned one of my sisters years ago and forbids my mom to talk to her. My mom is not as strong as yours so she is still stuck with him.

It does hurt when you dad would say something like this. He is a stubborn control freak. You didn't do exactly as he would have wanted so he blew up. Your relationship with him will never be the same after this. Hopefully you can salvage a little bit of something with him. With my own father, myself and my sisters who aren't disowned, we speak to him very rarely. I see him on holidays and that is about it. I send a text on his birthday as well. I try to limit any time around him. People like our fathers are not going to back down or grovel or apologize, they are too prideful and truly believe they are right. They live a lonely life trying to force everyone to do what they want them to do.

You can give it a couple of days and apologize to your dad. Try to keep the communication open if you can so you don't lose him completely, but don't tell him anything anymore. This is now a surface relationship where you give an overview of your life as "doing well", talk about the weather, etc. It hurts but you will accept it over time. If he doesn't want to communicate at all then there's not much you can do, you can't force him to do anything. It will be a huge mistake on his part that you will need to let him make.

Get out from under him is the last advice I will give. Anything he has over you, a car, something he is paying for, either get it in your name or give it up. Don't let him have anymore control or hold over you. You are an adult and will now be independent. My own dad bought everything for us, cars, clothes, everything. People thought I was lucky and spoiled. It was all a control technique, the second you went against him he snatched away his 'gifts'. If you wanted to keep your car, then you better do as he says or you will lose it. It's better to be on your own and controlling your own life that he has no say in. It sounds like he is forcing that on you now with the threat to disown you, take him up on it. Do everything you can to be financially independent from him. His threats in the future won't hold much weight when he has nothing more to get or take from you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Remember it isn't your fault, he is a flawed man and nothing you did deserves such a reaction. It will be better in time and you can accept whatever comes from this fallout. Use the support system you have with your mom and boyfriend and whomever else to help you through this. I can hope for you like I hope for my own dad, that they will see the error of their ways and make changes with themselves.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (28 October 2014):

chigirl agony auntHere's my advice: if he cuts you out of his life then GOOD RIDDANCE. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but he's not right in the head, he never will be, and he will never accept you the way he as a father should accept you. He holds you to an unrealistic high standard, or more like illusion, of what you should be. Does he care for you, or for the illusion of you?

I'd say the illusion, because look what happens at the SMALLEST little thing you do. He flips completely. Your fear of telling him that you do NORMAL things, because he might call the police (can you hear yourself??) says so much about this not being the first, or last, time he will flip.

My dad is bipolar and paranoid and extremely controlling as well, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD. I know exactly what you go through. I was NOT allowed to talk to boys when I was younger. I used to lie to him about my friends, he wanted to know each and every one of my friends so HE could decide (without ever meeting them) whether they were good enough for me to be friends with or not. Like you, I lied. I didn't tell him things. If it was up to him I'd not do anything or talk to anyone.

You know what I did to make him shut up? I stopped telling him things, same as you, and then when he would find out something not to his approval (very few things are, even now when Im 28), he will go on a rampage and swear to never talk to me again and yadda yadda yadda. And I would just reply with NOT answering my phone when he calls 30 times a day. NOT answer the texts. And I promise you, if he calls the police, the police will not bother to come by.. it's an empty threat.

Do you live with your dad? Move out. Live with your mom or on your own. My dad calmed down his phone terror when I move out of my moms house (they split up when I was 2 years old, and I lived with mom). When I moved out he lost some of the "grasp" he had on me, some of the control. For the first year he called me about 10-15 times a day, but it calmed down.

He's told me on numerous occasions he will never talk to me again.. If he had anything we could inherit I am sure he'd say he'd disown me too, but my dad owns nothing at all, so that's probably why I've never been disowned, lol.

It's all just drama because he wants to control you. Let him rampage, ignore it, stop caring. It's all just drama and he wants attention. He will calm down, and then he will be all sucking up to you and wanting you to come to him and be friends again. Because he wants to control you. He cant control you if you never speak.

If it's not just empty threats then, honey, he's a grown man and he gets to make his own weird decisions. If HE DECIDES to cut you out, then thats HIS choice. Not yours, and not your fault. You are a human being, not a string puppet that he gets to control. If he cuts you out then, like I said before: GOOD RIDDANCE. Your life will finally turn to NORMAL. You might not feel good about it, but honestly, what can you do? The choice is to live like a normal human being, or be a string puppet. It's not actually a real choice, is it, because you CAN NOT be a string puppet. You've pretended for years already, you know that wont work.... Your life quality is reduced for what.. to keep him happy? What gives him the right to do that to you?

Let him have his drama, ignore him, and see if he calms down or not. But you are an adult now, and he needs to either shut up and accept that YOU call the shots in YOUR LIFE, or he can f... off.

Final note: my brother already cut our father out of his life, they have not spoken for years. I have been close to cutting him out to. Currently the arrangement is that I do not tell my dad things in my life, more than absolute necessary (same level as you are at now), and when he goes on a rampage I hang up the phone or refuse to talk to him until he calms down. It can be months between each call, and I haven't seen him in person for almost a year. Currently it works, but it's a fragile father-daughter relationship that might snap at any point.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Melanie0517 United States +, writes (28 October 2014):

He sounds like he needs to go back on his meds, but there is only so much you can help someone who refuses to help themselves. He cut his 13 year old daughter out of his life? That is even crazier than cutting your 19-year-old off for drinking and sleeping beside someone.

Honestly, and it may be hard, but your life may be less stressful with some distance from him. Family can be a burden, blood is blood, but it's okay to cut people out who weigh you down, and he sounds like a weight.

I don't mind the drinking underage, you seem responsible about it, but your mom and boyfriend could get in a lot of trouble for that. It's not that great, just wait two years.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 October 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntI kind of feel for the dad.I can see where watching "daddy's little girl" mature is a heart-wrentching process that could make any man want to do strange things. He does not want to imagine you with a boy's hands on you or visualize you in a auto accident. He is petrified at all the things hat the world has in store for you because he loves you too much(if there is such a thing). So, hold judgement and try to see through his eyes. I know all too well about bipolar. he is going through Hell on the inside. Love heals all wounds. Don't give up on the guy. He's not not loving you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014):

I'm sorry, I have to jump in here to tell the OP that she seems like she has her head screwed on straight, even about the drinking, at age 19. She has dated a few boys, hasn't even had sex with them, seems to have her life together as far as 19 goes, and you guys are flipping out over Mike's Hard Lemonade. Yes, the law does say what you have described, but when's the last time you saw a sting being carried out over some college kid's mom giving her a wine cooler?! It doesn't happen in practice. Just like the laws on the books about marijuana are frightening, but what happens in practice is quite different. My neighbor got busted for growing a ton of weed (he had accidentally called 911 on himself; they wouldn't have come otherwise), and the law says he should have sizeable jail time. He got away with a few days' community service, and the cops were actively apologizing as they confiscated his plants: "So sorry about this. These laws are going the way of the dinosaur, but we have to take them if we see them." I have a feeling that the laws about letting your 19-year-old have some booze are the same.

If I were your mom, OP, I would feel the same way (much better to let your teenager experience what drinking is like in a safe environment, and normalize it, than to go to college and go wild because she had been sheltered), so get all nightmares of your mom getting fired and getting jail time out of your head. That doesn't happen unless the kids throw a huge party and endanger lives, and I am rather irritated at others for harping on that so strongly.

Your dad has some kind of severe Madonna/whore thing going on where he can't even bear to see you as an adult woman, and if you show signs of sexual maturity or otherwise it utterly shatters his universe. I would guess that he has incredibly damaging and controlling attitudes about sex himself, and he's projecting them onto you. This means that he isn't interested in having a relationship with you, a real person, he's interested in having a relationship with the projection of a perfect young lady who exists only inside his head. As you grow, you will see the disconnect between who you are and who he's speaking to widen, and widen, and widen...and something's gotta give. You aren't doing anything wrong. Your dad's behavior is not normal. Grieve all you have to, but please don't blame yourself.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (28 October 2014):

YouWish agony auntSo you don't live with your dad? You live with your mom?

I see fault on both sides, to be honest. I agree that your dad is unstable and needs medication for sure, and he does sound controlling especially with you being 19 years old, you shouldn't be drinking at your age. Anyone serving you could be jailed, and you and your boyfriend can be jailed for drinking. Your state has strict laws prohibiting any drinking of alcohol. You could cost your mom her job and driver's license plus huge fines by drinking it on her property with her knowledge, because serving a minor is a felony. Some states make exceptions for tasting it in your own home under parental supervision. Your state does not have that exception.

So you sneaking drinks with your boyfriend behind your dad's back would have even a non-bipolar dad ready to strangle you and cut you off! The fact that your mom is on your side and it seems like a conspiracy to undermine him would of course hurt him more!

You have some apologizing to do to him, and you also have some truth to talk out. You need to go see him ALONE (without your mom or boyfriend) to talk this out. Tell him that disowning will only hurt him, and talking it out is the only mature way to handle it.

As for his paying for your college or whatever, he may be mandated to do that under a child support court law, which your mom could file even if you're over 18. In some states, that is a responsibility. In your state, he's not obligated to pay it.

I also don't understand why you have to sneak to a bank to transfer money out of your account. If you're 19, it should be under your name alone without him as a joint account. That should have switched over the moment you turned 18 and no longer were a minor.

You need to stop drinking until you're 21, especially putting your mom at RISK (she may not have realized it, but I'm telling you now) of supplying you alcohol (who bought you the Mike's anyway?). What you did was pretty major. Your dad has a right to be upset about it.

You need to force him to talk. Honestly. Then when this is all done, you need to talk about why you feel the need to do everything behind his back. Tell him how he makes you feel, and that he needs to be under a doctor's care.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 October 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe BIG picture is, that your Father wants you to remain a 5-year-old - forever - who he controls in every way....

YOU are beginning to realize that you are actually becoming an adult, and need to behave like an adult.... with that meaning that you BECOME INDEPENDENT.

Now, paragraphs one and two (above) connot be resolved without a fair amount of back-and-forth, and give-and-take by the two participants (you and your Father)....

YOUR decision is to determine if you wish to become an adult - with all its freedoms AND responsibilities - or, do you want to remain "Daddy's little girl." If the former, then it's time to get started... If the latter, then cave on this incident, and continue your subservience to your Father.

Your Father's decision is, how long and deeply will he go to risk alienating you as he has (already) done with his other daughter (your sister)..... He needs (and is ENTITLED TO) your empathy as he struggles with this. BUT, you must recognize that the ONLY plausible result is that YOU make the break... and he accept it....

Good luck....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014):

Your Father is way too controlling. Is this the reason your mother left him in the first place. He dismissed your sister at 13. It was only a matter of time before he dismissed you also. He is ill and now will be lonely and miserable. Please continue your studies and look to the future. You have done nothing wrong. Your Father is unstable, ill. Just like your sister leave him be and move forward.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (28 October 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI'm sorry your dad is ill (bipolar disorder is an illness) and that he refuses to take care of himself. THIS is not your fault.

He will get over his hissy fit in time (parents do in general) and as a bipolar patient I'm sure you are aware of his mood swings... I'm so sorry your dad can't be a dad that you need or want.

AS for DRINKING at 18... you know and I know that's against the law... choose wisely.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (28 October 2014):

This sucks! I'm so sorry to hear that.

I know you love your dad very much, so this may be difficult to hear, but it may be better this way in the long run. Your dad is controlling, unstable, and toxic. You can be free to grow up now, without fear of his wrath. You don't need to be secretive about everything you do. You are free to thrive and blossom. Spread your wings and fly

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My Dad has told me he's disowning me for spending the night with my Bf. Feel incredibly hurt. What can I do? "

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312635000009323!