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My cousin is going to blackmail me unless I do sexual things with her, and she's only 13!

Tagged as: Family, Forbidden love, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 June 2011) 17 Answers - (Newest, 17 March 2012)
A male Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

help cupids!

im in a really BAD situation. basically, my cousin is blackmailing me for not doing sexual things with her.

let me explain. my cousin admitted to me she loves me (though previously, i think she just adored me and now i know its just a crush). BUT she took it a step too far and told me she wanted to do sexual things with her. so just NO. first she is my cousin, and second she is only 13!

so I denied her. and she tells me that if i dont, she will tell others that i molested her! the lengths she goes to is extreme! luckily, i escaped because other family started to call us. she told me that next time, if i really dont do it, she will tell.

so im in a pinch. honestly, its my word against hers and its not like i can avoid her forever.

so how should I handle this? for now, im leaning on trying to get her to realize that its wrong, that I love her as a cousin and its hurting me that she is doing this. help??

View related questions: cousin, crush

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A male reader, bugmenot3 United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

use a recorder secretly and tape a proof that you are innocent and that she is the one who is blackmailing you. once you have it deny her advances. If she still bugs you show her the proof you have. But remember to keep multiple copies of evidences.

-N

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A male reader, galdegir Australia +, writes (20 June 2011):

I'd be telling your parents what has transpired with your young cousin for your own protection while you get a defence set up she is either troubled mentally or herself been a victim of being molested at 13 that isnt normal behaviour for a young girl to speak and act like. It more sounds she is troubled and has underlying issues.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011):

ARE YOU CRAZY? This shouldn't even be a question, your cousin obviously needs help! Tell somebody right now what's going on before things get out of whack. If you actually had sex with her she could still tell that you molested her, in future if you piss her of or something. It's better to have a free conscience than a guilty one. Go to someone who you can trust or even ask a guidance counselor. If it's possible try recording her or get email, letters, texts or something from her to get evidence against her, so if by chance nobody believes you, you can show them proof.

Don't make a move you may regret for the rest of your life, like you said, you can't avoid her forever, talk to somebody.

Good Luck!

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A female reader, Y_v United Kingdom +, writes (6 June 2011):

Y_v agony auntOkay first of all if you agree to do something to her that will give her REAL evidence that you have molestered her.

DON'T DO ANYTHING! This is childs play, don't go along with it. She is 13! Let her say what she wants, she is not going to get anywhere.

You won't look guilty unless you actually have done something to her. It's really quite obvious. She can't blackmail you if she has nothing on you.

Gawd your cousin is sick, she's the one that needs help.

If you're close enough to her parents, talk to them first. Or you could tell your parents, and try and tell them what she's trying to do. Your parents will believe you.

Hope this helpsx

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A male reader, tedstryker74 United States +, writes (5 June 2011):

your concern at this point should be making sure that you have evidence of what she is doing. do whatever you can to make sure you can record any and all phone calls made to you.a small digital recorder can be bought for under $20.do not under any circumstances have any contact with her other than her contacting you.phone calls or texts from you to her will be misconstrued as manipulation on your part.in america lie detector tests are not admissible in court but they are used prior to trial.a clean test showing that you have never had any physical contact can be a very powerful tool in your lawyers arsenal.DA's rarely pursue cases if they personally believe that the person is innocent. the bottom line is, this is serious,you need to tell your parents and her parents whats going on as soon as possible.if you can approach them with recorded evidence.a little embarrassment now can save you a lifetime of pain.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011):

first off ive been in this blackmailing situation though oddly with my sister so i think u should if u do anything u know actually do it u should like be really bad at it but not to bad or she might hate it and tell that u molested anyway or just tell her u found out ur gay/ diseased/ have a girlfriend/ anything like that

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (1 June 2011):

Odds agony auntFirst off, stall her while you set up a defense. One false accusation could destroy you, and she sounds like she's got serious enough issues to do that. "If I can't have you, no one can!"

Speak to your parents first about this. Not to hers. Her parents will be more inclined to believe her than you, no matter what kind of history she has. No police, either, they will believe her, not you.

Try to record a conversation with her. Get her to talk about blackmailing, about her intent to make a false accusation, and be sure to refuse her advances quite clearly after recording the conversation. Use a phone, instant messenger, skype, any form of electronic communication can be used to record the conversation. You'll probably only get one shot at recording it.

If she accuses you, forget everything you know about "innocent until proven guilty." De facto, you'll have to prove your innocence, and the accusation will be public record in any event.

And never, under any circumstances, should you be alone with her. The girl is poison. Accept that she will probably not be punished for this threat, so your only priority should be avoiding any kind of accusation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

If I were you, I would talk to someone who knows her and you,your parents, you should seriously talk to them, they're the only one who can help you through this .they will help for sure, prove her wrong in front of everyone. Plus you can really expose her to who she is, if its by email print it,if its on the phone record it.you can prove her wrong, I'd say she's obsessed with you,you can't convince her. And if you'd do anything to her, she can report a rape whenever she wants.Then you'll be in serious trouble. Hope it works out,best luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

When you say she 'admitted' to you that she loves you, were you asking her at the time? Because that's how it sounds.

If you have nothing to worry about then gather some evidence in the form of a letter, preferably. Then go to the police and report her for trying to blackmail you. Emails and texts are are all very well but she could easily say someone else had had access to her computer or phone. A letter in her hand writing cant be so easily dismissed.

Or you could talk to her parents but if they ask her about it. It is a given that she will make a counter claim against you. And it is obvious who they will want to believe is telling the truth.

The only way around that is to ask for her parents help and get them to listen in discreetly, while you talk to her about her demands and what will happen to you if you don't comply. Once they have heard what she is doing for themselves, she will not be able to deny it or make any false claims against you. Because they will know she is a liar.

Trying to deal with it on your own by talking to her might work OR you could end up digging a big hole for yourself. I think you need to involve the police or her parents.

The more open you are about it the better. It shows a clear conscience.

To try and deal with it covertly and discuss things of such a serious nature while alone with her, will only serve to make it look as though you could have something to hide.

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A female reader, fatelove77 Canada +, writes (1 June 2011):

I agree with trying to catch her with some type of proof like a text or a voice mail...or record her, all cellphones have the ability to record her on a voice recorder or through a video.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

If I were in your position, I would get some type of proof that she is threatening you with this charge, such as a text message from her, record her on the phone (if you have a cell that does that) saying her threat, taperecorder, whatever, something and go to her parents.

I think it would be unwise of you to try to resolve this yourself considering the gravity of a molestation charge against an 18 yr old for a 13 year old. She sounds like she might need some mental help, possibly because she might have been molested when she was younger. Idk for sure though.

Get proof and protect yourself, tell an older adult that you trust, your parents, her parents, whatever, somone that can help.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2011):

You know this girl, and I don’t. So basically, you have to think whether she’s serious or not about making this accusation. If you don’t think she’d go through with carrying out her threat, try simply to talk to her to explain that this is wrong and that you love her as a cousin but not in this way. But, if you think she will, you’ll have to beat her to it by telling some-one in the family about what has happened before she does. My advice would be that you don't gamble on her bluffing or not having the guts to do it. You should assume that she will do this, and get there first. I know this might be hard if you don’t want to hurt your cousin or get her in to trouble, but frankly at 13 she is old enough to know wright from wrong, and really would benefit from harsh correction of this most unacceptable behaviour. Not nice advice to hear, I know-sorry. But it’s a nasty situation and a horrible thing she is doing. In any case, as others have already said, she might benefit from some help, because this is not normal behaviour so you’d probably be doing her a favour too.

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A male reader, Drew21 Canada +, writes (1 June 2011):

Drew21 agony auntThis is a dangerous one. She seems like she's immature, and slightly unhinged.

I don't know that you should even attempt to resolve this on your own. She obviously doesn't understand the gravity of the threat she's placing on you. A charge of molestation could really make life miserable for you, even if it's eventually proven false. She seems like she requires at least some counseling, if not some outright psychological aid.

If you REALLY think that she would make this accusation against you, then I would probably nip this in the bud and strike first. Out her to her parents and to your's. Do it in the interest of trying to get her the help she needs.

How is it that you find yourself alone so often with your cousin? I would try to make sure that DOES NOT happen. Avoid her like the plague!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 June 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntExactly, you need to talk to your aunt/uncle. Your cousin has some serious behavior issues that her parents need to address. If you truly care for her you will see that she gets the help she so deperately needs.

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A female reader, Jac2b55 Australia +, writes (1 June 2011):

Jac2b55 agony auntHey there,

it seems to me that your cousin has major issues, and needs help asap!

I can see why you dont want to tell others as it likely they would take her side due to your ages.

I would say that you only have two options:

~ avoid her, making sure that you are never left alone with her

~ contact whoever in your country deals with children (social services???) and state that you are concerned that your cousin may be in trouble as she has made sexual advances towards you.

I would recommend that you do everything you can to cover your back as i fear that if you dont, you will soon be finding yourself in a situation where you are being accused of sexual abuse of a minor.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (1 June 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntCall her bluff

go to her parents and tell them that she's threatening this

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2011):

I'm having trouble believing this but if it's true, you need to tell your parents and this needs to be resolved with their help. If she makes an allegation towards you, it will be investigated without hesitation by social services and possibly the police. I don't think I need to tell you what that will mean for you.

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