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My conservative wife wears low-cut tops that show her bra?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 May 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 28 May 2011)
A male Canada age 51-59, anonymous writes:

OK, this is going to sound odd, because I certainly find it odd.

My wife is in her 40s. She has always been very decorous. Serious professional, dedicated mother, married for 20+ years. A virgin when we got together. Very conservative sexually.

In the last half dozen+ years, in her free time, she’s taken to wearing tops that are revealing when she bends over. Now we don’t socialize with lots of people, so by and large she’s not showing off for anyone in particular. But we come from a culture and a time where seeing even a glimpse of a bra was a big deal. And she’s certainly not doing it for my benefit – I don’t need the stimulation, and she is interested in sex maybe once a month if I’m lucky. Honestly it seems like she’s oblivious to what she’s showing, but I know she’s not stupid.

She wears bras that certainly do her great justice in profile, but they’re not Victoria’s Secret things – they’re generally white, underwire, and solid enough that she’s rarely showing perkies. But when she bends over, you see the whole bra-covered everything. Which in our upbringing was at best scandalous, and otherwise salacious.

So I’m really confused. She doesn’t need to arouse me, because I’m always aroused by her. She’s incredibly conservative, so I’m very confident that she’s not trying to mess with the rest of the men out there. WTF is going on here? Is it just that she still looks great in her 40s and, despite her conservative upbringing, she’s showing off? Or has she decided that, given how the younger generation has decided that underwear is no big deal, she’s joining in?

View related questions: bra , underwear

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I can see how my question could be read as if it's a problem for me, but it's not so much a problem as something that made me wonder. She's a very attractive lady and I certainly enjoy the view. ;)

Yes, there still are a few dinosaurs in Canada. ;)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011):

I think you should try to let go of all your insecurities and social constraints. Sit back and enjoy the view. I think it's a wondrous thing to have a new tantalizing thing to share with your wife. I'm a bit jealous, as those of us who grew up under different circumstances have "been there, done that" to so many things, it just seems fantastic if something as simple and common as a down blouse bra peek is an erotic event!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (27 May 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI find it a bit odd myself I'm 51 now so I grew up in the 70s HOT PANTS, MINI SKIRTS TUBE TOPS etc.

but NEVER EVER did we show our under-garments.

now bras and panties showing are perfectly acceptable. but I still strive not to do it...

Have you asked your wife about it? perhaps she's not aware the tops gap when she bends. I know sometimes I'm not aware of how things look...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 May 2011):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe she has "just" adapted to the culture she lives in. Revealing bra straps is not really rare these days. Not is it inapropriate.

As to why she does it, ask her.

I don't think it is to show off ( or she would be buying Victoria secret bras with lace, bells and whistles. I actually thinks she had jsut relaxed her midset when it comes to clothes and honestly, I would bet a $ that she is oblivious about this, I odn't see her having a "putting on a show" kind of attitude.

My questions is this, why does it offend you? You have a gorgeous wife should she hide it and wear turtlenecks for the rest of her life?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (27 May 2011):

Tisha-1 agony auntWhat did she say about it when you asked her? Did she have an explanation or rationalization?

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A male reader, GRIFF TANNEN United States +, writes (27 May 2011):

GRIFF TANNEN agony auntHey man, I don't get your point. Are you suggesting that what she's doing is a bad thing??? Just enjoy the view man!!!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (27 May 2011):

chigirl agony auntI don't think she does it for any reason in particular. She probably also thinks that after 20 years of marriage, you've seen her body often enough for her to be able to drop the act of glamour. She just doesn't care if you see anything or not, she wears what she likes, and if something happens to show, and you don't like it, you can turn around. I don't think she really cares... She just wears her bra, then a shirt, and if she needs to bend over she bends over, without giving it any more thought.

If this is disturbing, distracting, or odd to you, ask her about it. But even if you see it as a big deal, clearly she doesn't think it's anything to be concerned with.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (27 May 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Sorry, OP, I did not mean to sound judgemental. Just curious, honestly. Because ,like I said, I too was raised not in the most enlightened,anything -goes of times and places, - and still a bra strap was definitely not enough to make any waves. I guess I was just surprised that "modern " Canada can be way more conservative than provincial Italy. Go figure. Maybe Margaret Atwood was right, after all :)

As for your imprinting, anyway. Exactly. Those were the 70's. FORTY years ago. Many things have changed, for good and for bad, in costume and society since then.

40 years ago nobody owned a cell phone , or had an e-mail address, or watched digital TV. You got "imprinted " with writing letters and buying stamps when you wanted to communicate, but you have obviously lost this imprinting , since you did not write a letter to Dear Cupid, but an e-mail.

Not to say that you MUST lose your "imprinting " about what constitutes proper attire. Only that you are not BOUND to keep it along the decades.

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2011):

Have you asked her? She can probably give you the best answer!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011):

you need to lighten up.

nowadays being in your 40s is still very young. Considering that with advances in medicine people today can expect to live into their 80s and 90s, 40s is like what in the past were your 30s.

she's just trying to fit in with other women in her age group who still care about their looks. it boosts a person's self confidence to dress in a way that compliments their physical attributes. there's nothing wrong with that. Surely you don't go around wearing shirts buttoned all the way up to your chin and long sleeves, right? Surely you like to wear clothes that flatter your appearance. So what's the big deal if she wants to do the same? it's healthy for her. would you prefer her to dress like a frumpy grandma, at her age??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks, Cindy, for your comments. My 'coming of age' in the 70s did indeed have even the glimpse of a bra as something very rare and special -- even a strap on the shoulder was pretty erotic, let alone actually seeing a cup down a gaping blouse. Sorry if that seems strange to you, but that was how I was imprinted in my adolescence. Times were different then. Girls' underthings were hidden and forbidden, and I haven't really shaken that imprinting since. It sounds like that's so different from your world that you can't relate.

llifton -- fair points.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (27 May 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt You must really come from a VERY conservative upbringing, frankly I am a bit surprised, because I am no spring chicken and was surely NOT raised in a very "hip",liberal environment, yet a glimpse of a bra ,as far as I know, stopped being "salacious " around the time people stopped wearing underskirts and garter belts and pillbox hats - 40's ? Early 50's ? .

Also I think maybe you are a bit exaggerating, for showing the WHOLE bra-covered parts she should be wearing tops with necklines plunging to her stomach.

Anyway, no, I exclude she does it to be coquettish or to attract male attention, she would buy frilly, sexy bras , not the sturdy, heavy-duty type of bra you describe.Neither I think it's some sort of "rebel" statement.

Quite simply, times change, fashions change , and now your wife can be comfortable ,wear what she likes, and move and bend as she likes, without always having to watch every inch of skin she might be showing , because she knows that almost :) nobody is gonna be all hot-and- bothered , or worse, offended by her ...very decent exposures.

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A female reader, llifton United States + , writes (27 May 2011):

llifton agony aunthonestly, as long as she's not prancing around for other men, and she's not harming anyone, does her reasoning for doing it really matter? maybe it just makes her feel sexy and attactive for her own benefit. which is great for her self-esteem. making yourself feel attractive is very important. you shouldn't discourage her in this.

maybe she's been feeling insecure lately, or maybe she's reached her 40's and hit her "midlife crisis," which has made her want to revamp her style to feel sexier. as long as this is all she's doing, i wouldn't worry about it too much. support her in this. i know it's different from what you're used to, but just try to get comfortable with it, as only good could come from it. if she feels sexier and more confident, it will only make your relationship stronger.

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