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My concern is that he's rather stingy and that after almost 2 years he's not ready for being together in person. Advice?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 5 May 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been in a Long Distance Relationship for almost two years. My boyfriend is a six hour flight away and I fly to see him once a month, duration of stay is 4-7 days each visit. During the time that we've been together, he has only visited three times. One of the three times, I paid for his airfare, hotel, and most meals. He has never offered to pay for my airfare or hotel stays when I visited him. (We stay at a hotel because he lives with a large family. We do stay a day or two at his house, but I prefer the privacy of a hotel.) During my visits, I often pay for the more expensive meals for him, his family, and friends. I willingly did this because I understand he makes less than me and he always complained about lack of money. He also needs to take off days from work, unpaid, to spend time with me while I'm there.

Recently he asked me to loan him $20K to buy a 10+ year old Japanese 'racing' car. He already has a car and I felt he didn't need an extra car. He said he wanted to fix it up, drive it for a few months, and then sell it. He said he will pay me back. I told him $20K is not easy to save up and I cannot loan it to him. Had it been an emergency, I would definitely give it to him, but this is unnecessary. He said he was disappointed as he thought I would loan it to him. Then he went and bought the car anyway, the car costed $8K. This leaves me to wonder why he'd ask me to loan him money when he has it. Also, why does he keep complaining about the lack of money? He went on the tell me that he was 'Joking' when he asked me for the money; he wanted to see if I would loan it to him.

I also feel that we've reached a point where we should be discussing our future plans. Is he going to move here or should I move to where he is? He loves, and I say absolutely LOVES to talk and fantasize about our future. However, up to now, it's been all talk and fantasy. I recently found out that in the area where he lives, you can actually buy a three story house with three separate entrances. Rent out two stories and live in one. I really liked the idea as I believe the rent will help cover mortgage and it will be as if we're living for free. I told him I wanted to do that for a few years until we can save up more money to buy a single family home and still keep the three story as a rental. He agreed to that idea, but bluntly stated "I'm not ready". I asked him to explain what he meant. He said he does see and want a future for us, but at this moment he is not ready to move forward from this Long Distance Relationship. He enjoys being able to do his thing and hang out with his friends when I'm not there.

Now, please don't get me wrong. He is not a cheater. We stay in contact all day every day. He calls me in the morning and we drive to work together, then we drive home together after work talking on the phone. We're on the phone as he drives to the gym and after the gym he calls me to drive home. We then have dinner and Facetime until it's almost time for bed. When he is out with friends, he tells me who he's out with and often sends me pictures of what they are doing (eating, drinking, playing cards, etc). He stays in contact and is always telling me how much he loves me. When we argue, he gets mad but most times, he is calling me back and he will not accept a break up.

My only concern is that he is rather 'stingy' when it comes to spending money on me and that after almost two years, he is still 'not ready' for being together in person.

View related questions: a break, long distance, money

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A male reader, Zinno_katta Senegal +, writes (5 May 2015):

Zinno_katta agony auntDistance does not matter in a relationship, what maters is love, happiness and understanding. If you both truly love each other, there must be some sacrifices but understanding matters a lot.

I suggest you continue to discuss on the things that you want which makes you happy too.

ANy way lets wait and see what happens in 2 weeks like you said.

NB... PLEASE SINGLE MEN AND WOMEN LIKE ME, SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE PATIENTS AND DISCUSS AMICABLY TO MAKE IT WORK. SOMETIMES WHEN YOU DON'T TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU WANT, HE/SHE MAY THINK THAT ALL IS WELL.( though is bad)

Follow your heart

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 May 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntSTOP going to see him. Make him come to you.

Stop taking time off from work Make him do it.

You have handed him yourself on a silver platter.

You are rowing the relationship boat and he';s just laying back floating along with you.

time to end it with him. IF you are not sure... stop spending money, stop contacting him, stop visiting him at his place and YOUR expense.

see what happens then make your choice.

If after 2 years an adult man in his 30s is not ready to be full time with his partner in real life NOT LDR and he's not making the effort to come to you, then you will have your answer.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (1 May 2015):

Ciar agony auntActually you long ago reached a point where you should NOT even be thinking of future plans.

I'd already decided this guy was a dud mid way through the first paragraph, but the opening line of the second was the clincher for me. Asking for a $20,000 loan is super BAD, but add to that the reason he was asking for it, and then to find out he only needed $8,000.

OP, you're ignoring some very obvious red flags here.

The man is not merely stingy. He's quite happy to let YOU spend money on big dinners for his family, instead of saving it for your future together.

And I don't get that either...'won't accept a break up'. once one person says it's over, it's over. Period. The other person can call, email, text all they want and refuse to change their Facebook status, but at the end of the day, it's still over.

If you want out (and if you don't you need your head examined) you send him an email telling him it's over. Don't get into too much detail about why. He knows why. Then block him. Change your phone/cell number if necessary. He can't badger you if he can't reach you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015):

OP here. Thanks all for your replies.

I'd like to clarify that he never asked me to pay for meals for his family or friends.

His family and I get along extremely well even from the beginning. I enjoy cooking with his dad and always cook at least one meal each time I visit. The only thing is that he has about 12 family members there eating all the time, sometimes more! I'm sure you can imagine the cost of groceries for a home cooked meal for 12! Sometimes we do go out to eat too, but I honestly don't mind paying. To me, it's not about the money but the company.

Each time I visit I am the one to suggest trying some nice restaurant or fine dining. Since it's my suggestion, I felt it was only fair that I pay since I wasn't sure if he could afford it. I don't mind paying but was hoping he would pick up or fight me for the bill once in a while.

We did have a talk about all of this. I asked him why he wanted to borrow $20K when he only needed $8K for the car.

He said he needed the rest of the money to fix up the car to sell it. He said it was a sought after car and he was sure he can make a profit when he sells it.

He said he was hoping that with the extra money he can buy another cheaper car, fix it up and sell it too, to make more profit. He said this is his hobby and he enjoys doing it.

I also told him that I felt he wasn't reciprocating my kindness.

I told him I wanted him to take me out to a nice restaurant once in a while and buy me some nice jewelry once in a while too.

He said he never did this for his ex girlfriends, and when going out, they will split the bill. However, he said if that is what I want, and he does realize I do a lot for him, his family, and friends, he will start doing that. He did say he will not be able to spend on me as much as I spent on him, but he will do better than he has done. I will be there in two weeks to visit him.. we'll see what happens ^_^

'He will not accept a break up' because he says he is serious about us and wants a future, he is asking me to give him time and trust that he has found his wife.

To be honest, it is not quite time for me to quit my job yet and move to where he is. I love my job and my boss treats me well.

I manage the Finances for my company and aside from the first and last week of the month, I have free time during the middle of the month to take days off. Our company has unlimited Personal Time Off.

I often take Friday - Monday off once every 4-6 weeks to visit him. On special occasions, I will take a week off.

Do I sometimes get the feeling he's taking advantage of me? - Yes.

Do I believe he an 'use and abuse' kind of person? -

No. I think I really need more time to get to know and understand him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntIt seems pretty uneven to me.

You paying for ALL the visits, the hotel expenses AND food for HIS family too? What does he think you are made of? Gold?

I don't think he is stingy, I think he is taking advantage of you and your wallet.

I agree that he ASKED for 20K NOT as a joke but to see if you would give it to him, and HAD you done that... He would have bought the 8K car and kept the 12K as he would "perceive" it as a present. NOT a loan. The fact that he MADE a statement saying he was DISAPPOINTED you wouldn't give him the "loan" seems to me like he has a " what's mine is MINE, what's HER's is "ours"... mentality and THAT can cost you dearly. More dearly then you are paying now.

When my husband and I were LDR I did do much of the travelling, but HE payed for EVERYTHING while I was there visiting. ( I had great contacts for discount travel). His Dad had had a stroke which was the reason he had moved back closer to his dad, but also that I was the one travelling the most.

He enjoys his "single" lifestyle with the occasional visit from the GF. I don't think he will change his mind ANY TIME soon. And I think... that is a good thing, because I DO think this relationship is not a great one.

He can't spend money to come see you... but can buy a 8K car he doesn't need, he can't drive... Yea, I'd look closer to home for a man. This one is just too expensive.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntHe's not stingy. He is a scrub. The thing that bothers me most is that he asked you for 20K when he only needed 8K. So that was to see how naive you could be. If you don't question him, don't ask for receipts, that 20k could easily he his, all pocketed. How you could consider moving in with him is beyond me. The currency he uses in exchange for luxury things are saying I love you and proving he's not cheating. Wow, since when does love cost so much? Might as well spend it on an exotic boyfriend for hire, who would cost less.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou've been with this guy for 2 years. He's demonstrated many times that he expects you to pay for him and his family; this will continue.

He doesn't want to be with you in person, despite your research.

He wanted you to buy him a car?

And yet, your only concern is that he is stingy.

"When we argue, he gets mad but most times, he is calling me back and he will not accept a break up"

He will not accept a break up. What does that even mean?

So break up with him. If he wants you back, he can choose to sell his car and fly to see you.

You need a break from this odd online one-sided relationship.

He's not the man of your dreams. He's not your lifelong love. He's a parasite and you are a pushover.....

Sorry.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

It sounds like this guy is a mooch, and is using you. Why does he need $20k from you to buy a car that costs only $8k? Fishy....

Also, what do you do for a living that allows you to take a week off each month and still afford to fly across the country that often? (sorry, it's rude to ask I know, but just wondering.)

I think you should start making him pay his way and yours when you go to see him. You should still pay for the tickets since you are the one wanting to travel there that much, but he should be paying for the meals and entertainment when you are there. Maybe split the hotel since you are both using that.

NEVER LOAN HIM ANY MONEY PLEASE!! You will never get it back. Not even for an "emergency"

Also stop paying for him to come and see you. Pay for only your own trips, he should pay for his. I know that will mean you will not be getting visits from him, but doesn't this say something about his priorities to you? Are you ok with the relationship staying this one-sided?

Ignore him when he talks about lack of money, and change the subject. This is his way of getting you to shell out for his wants while he has you around. Classic guilt trip. Don't feel ashamed that you make more than him, be proud you can afford your nice lifestyle. Good for you!

Another thing that you mention, about him saying he is not ready to move forward with you. He may tell you he sees a future with you, but I think he is lying. He likes that you spend so much on him. He gets a free ride for 1 week every month when you are around, of course he will not break up with you his mealticket.

Sorry to be so negative about this guy, but I don't see this as a very good relationship from what you describe. Very one sided, sounding like you have much more of your emotions involved than he does. Listen to your brain, or at least your gut, not your heart.

I think you can do much better, and you definately deserve it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

With a guy like this the ONLY way to get a result is to say that you are ending the relationship because you are tired of the long distance and want a normal relationship with someone who is more willing to commit. Tell him that you are not prepared to waste your best years on someone not willing to commit in the sense of move in together.

You have to MEAN this when you say it.

He will either step up and start to put into action the plan of getting a three storey house (which anyone in their right mind can see is a fantastic opportunity to get started in a life together) OR he will try to give you more excuses and fob you off with promises (don't be persuaded by anything other than action to put things in motion) OR he will just let you go.

Either way, you are getting to the reality of what he, deep down, really wants to do. If he's still gonna mess you around after that then he's not worth having and not a keeper. He may say he's "not ready" but this could either mean he's not ready FOR YOU but could be for someone else OR it could mean that he is not and never will be ready for anyone because he just loves having a single life AND knowing that he can keep stringing some woman along just so that he doesn't feel alone in the world - at the moment it's a bit like a little boy who needs to feel that he is tied to Mummy's apron strings at all times - the phoning etc is not necessarily evidence of commitment to you, rather it reflects his need to have a reassuring connection to a 'parental' type figure. By providing for him in the ways that you have you have inadvertently stepped into the role of mother and he has become child. He won't grow up maybe ever. But he just might if you stop playing Mum and say you've had enough. Long distance relationships can very often be a sign that someone hasn't grown into a proper adult yet and still wants the freedom of childhood (regardless of biological age) but also wants the pretence of a connection to another adult. In fact that connection is a parent to child connection. But you must get something out of this connection to, because quite why you want to be with someone who behaves like this at his age is rather strange to say the least.

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