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My cheating wife says she wants her family back.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 November 2009) 22 Answers - (Newest, 30 November 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I recently learned of an extramarital affair my wife was invloves in. I came home early to discover her texting on her cell phone. When I asked to see it she screamed empahtically no and ran into my 4 year old childs room. Upon convincing her I would not be upset we went down stairs and began to tell m of this " flirting" relationship she got involved in two months prior and was trying to get out of.

She initially claimed she didn't see the guy they just texted each other and sent pictures. After letting me see some of her obviously deleted texted one really disturbed me. She said I will leave as soon as he gets here. Now for someone trying to end a relationship that seemed odd.

Needless to say an argument resumed an she left only to call me and apologize and tell me shell never talk to him again. Well i found out who the guy was and we met and he showed me a variety of texts and nude pictures my wife had sent him. He then admitted that one night around 1 am she drove to his house bit got spooked when she recognized a friends car. I then begin to go thru cell phone records and learned she spoke to this guy everyday up to 7 times and texted up to 10 times a day for 2 months straight.

Even the night I caught her he showed me a text of her saying please don't give up I want to see you it just can't be at your house. She now wants me to believe she had no intention of ever seeing him his compliments and attenetion just made her feel good about herself because I work two jobs and I'm never home.

What should I do now it's been two weeks and I miss my two kids but she tells me she's tired of apologizing. She's been very callous through the entire situation but she tells me she wants her family back and we can go to counseling

View related questions: affair, flirt, nude pictures, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):

Hello! I went through the same thing and my response is to "Let Her Go Now" This is the main reason I say this to you because women cheat to establish relationships. Men we cheat because we like to conquer ,but we come back home. So basically, men tear things up and women destroy things. I would tell you to stay married to her if you can to protect yourself and $$$,(based on kids ages) but separate from her. So basically,move to an apartment around the corner or have her move close so the kids will not feel the void. Sorry to tell you ,but if you let her back in your life the problem will continue because now she knows you will condone the behavior. So will the judge if you let her back in your life and when she does it again and she will at some point. People like this need to learn a hard life's lesson and that would be taking things for granted. If she was texting then she was more than likely sexting too. Clip her now and keep the friendship that you still both have before the anger and nasty things come your way. If you want to get counsel to maintain the friendship then get it for both of you ,if she is willing to go and be honest. Really, if you both can't work it out then file for a divorce but don't involve any lawyers work out the $$ arrangements together or put joint custody for both of you so no one has to do the monthly payment thing arrangement through the system. Do a no fault divorce at the court house for about $125.00 for the whole process. Please let her take what ever she wants and be very very very nice to her because although it may be a Man's World it's a Woman's World in Court System. Be very careful and very nice until you have secured the arrangement. She made the choice and needs to accept the consequences as a result.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

Hi Poster,

I am Mrs.Anon again.Please read this post.It has a few beautiful answers especially by Irish49 and Starfairy.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-has-cheated-on-me-after-19.html

I know you are hurting.If you divorce her and start another relationship chances are the same mistakes can be repeated by both the parties.I am only trying to help you by making you see both sides of the coin.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

hey OP, i believe you. lets not shift the blame onto the OP. remember it was his wife who wanted to play around.

you need to do some soulsearching, and no matter how hard it is without the kids, you will find yourself soon.

what i cannot get is this- she left you, came back 4 days later. then you moved out. why? what happened?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

Hi Poster,

Thanks for your response.Here are a few links.

http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/verba_abuse.htm

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html

Harsh words exchanged is Verbal abuse whether its by you or your wife.It doesn't justify your wife cheating on you.Not even a tiny bit.But living with Verbal abuse year after year leads to low selfesteem.People stick on to the marriage for any number of reasons and make themselves miserable.In the end it leads to a divorce or an affair.

I stand firm poster.It takes two people to make or break a relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate all of this honest and rather direct feedback. I do however wish to make something clear. Nothing has been left out. I would not to take the time to post and read others advice had I not been completely honest. I did not go to the world series alone I went with four male co-workers. A ticket was available because another co-worker couldn't make it at the last moment. I have never cheated on my wife. Not physically abusive nor am I a drunk. We have argued in the past and harse words were used but that's about the extent of my "secrets" some seem to believe I'm hiding. I still haven't seen my wife or childre but at this time I think that's the best alternative.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

Dear Poster,

I am not condoning what your wife did.If I were in your shoes I would definitely start thinking once the anger drains.

There are many of us who are comfortable with having four different sets of kids with different people,five to six marriages and so on.There are some of us who want to make a single marriage last a lifetime.Its much easier said than done.

Marriage is about forgiveness.There are many women who have forgiven their cheating spouses and went on to make a success of their marriage.If you cannot forgive her no one including me is going to blame you.

But asking yourself some honest questions will definitely help you make the next relationship better.Your wife definitely has an ace up her sleeve or she wouldn't be so callous.Even a woman with a poor character is worried about losing the custody of her kids.She doesn't seem to be.I have known of cases where the court has granted custody to the father.I am definitely not asking you to justify yourself.But honesty to oneself is very important.Life is never too late to change.All the best Poster.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

once again i will say..if this had been a female poster...many of you would have sided with her immediatly. I don't know if there is some hidden thing going on. But it doesn't change the fact that she cheated... and isn't repentant. That is the main thing in my eyes. If she had've cheated, and said, "yes, i did, and i'm sorry and it'll never, ever happen again,"...then there would be no need for our advice. But the facts as we have been given say that did not happen. And judging solely by the story at hand....our poster was out busting his tail to make a living, while wifey cheated. Nothing else matters to me. I don't care if he snores, farts, or has hair growing out of his ears....it doesn't justify cheating. It's a choice that we all make. Good luck, poster, mal

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A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (18 November 2009):

duce00 agony auntWhen men get angry it doesn't always mean they are wrong, when women get angry it doesn't always mean they are on their period. Fair enough?

Such a broken record in the male female relations. Lets rise above folks...really!

As for the OP concealing some fact that puts him at fault...OK, I will bite.

Hey OP!! You got anything that you might need to come clean about? Do it now buddy. See, I will roast your ass for yanking our chains but I am just a guy miles away from you who is giving you my opinion. Nothing to fear really. If you were doing something here that a judge sees as clear violation of your marital vows then buddy, you are gonna wish you had gotten prepared by shooting straight here.

Well... I better get back to gnawing on that mammoth bone and dancing around the fire.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

get a lawyer and get rid of her. Cut your losses.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009):

I am Anonymous again.There's something the poster here is not telling us.I am eagerly waiting to hear from the poster.There are many of us Anons who think there's something amiss.

The dog and haystack happens more often in real life than we realize.If she is trying to stay with you for the sake of children or for the sake of a marriage its time to let her go.Ask yourself a lot of questions.Be honest with yourself.Try to judge yourself first.Then take a decision.

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A female reader, Lola1 Canada +, writes (17 November 2009):

Lola1 agony auntSadly (I hate to see people hurt), I have to agree with duce00 on this one.

Whatever you decide to do, don't blame yourself. When we agree to marriage vows it isn't supposed to be lightly. There is no "except when you work too much" or “except when I feel lonely” clause. It's for "better or for worse; in sickness and in health".

I don't judge the woman. We all have done our share of “ wrong”, but let's be real. It's not your fault she cheated because you worked too much and went to NYC. That is not when your marriage went south; it happened before that.

Are there other factors involved here? Did you somehow become disconnected from your wife? I would bet my left foot. Does it change what I have been telling you; that she is not sorry and WILL cheat again? Not one teensy little bit.

Feeling lonely or isolated in a marriage is not license to cheat. We are supposed to exhaust all efforts to reconnect with our spouses, and if that fails, end the relationship. I wouldn’t change that stance if the OP ate puppies and danced in the streets in his underwear while calling his wife names. We are supposed to avoid lying and cheating at all costs – it cheapens us and there is NO excuse.

You have a lot of thinking to do. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009):

A lot of angry men answers here. Do you know that statistically 60% of men cheat on their wives during first 5 years of marriage, and only 10% women. How about that?

The reasons why man cheat are not falling in love, or being unhappy in their marriage, but because THEY CAN, out of pure lust.

Number one reason why women cheat is because they are unhappy in their marriages.

Seems you live your life to the fullest, going away for world series, working hard, never home. Your wife running a very hard bussiness as cleaning houses, taking care of kids and a house. She doesn't have an easy life at all. She is lonely, overworked young woman.

She admits she made a mistake, now you need to make some changes, if you guys plan to stay together. There is a life after cheating. But it sounds like you already made up your mind.

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A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (17 November 2009):

duce00 agony auntUghhhhh...

Ever heard of "phantom limb syndrome". Its when a person looses a limb but can still feel it sometimes.

Right now I am feeling a 12" kitchen knife hanging out of my back. I walked around with that dammed thing in there for so long it was like a part of my anatomy. She even had me convinced of that.

You will not ever forgive her and you shouldn't.

You will not ever trust her again and you shouldn't.

You will be unhappy for a while.

You will make a better choice next time.

She will be ugly and nasty to you.

She will reap what she has sowed (just step back and let it happen).

Start making the necessary changes now so that you can get on an even keel one day a get a better woman for you and your kids.

Face it...you made a mistake with this one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

Hmmm...I agree with reader anonymous.Something's missing here.You were working two jobs.you were never home.But you went ALONE to a world series in NY?This is where your entire marriage went downhill.You still don't seem to get it.Its easy for others to point fingers and accuse someone.It takes two to tango and two to spoil a relationship.

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A male reader, holikdad United States +, writes (16 November 2009):

Even if there wasn't sex involved it's still an affair. Your wife is trying to down play what she's done to you and your marriage.

Why are you living in hotels? You didn't cheat, you did nothing wrong.

Please ignore the other anonymous posters, they don't know their ahole from their elbow.

You need to get back into that house and put the cat out.

And the cellphone one digit off of yours has to go in my top five of lamest lies I've ever heard from a cheater. See, I told you they were liars.

And I also wouldn't discount the fact that they haven't had sex, of course your wife and the OM are going to say that. Especially since you confronted him face-to-face.

She's "gaslighting" you, all cheaters do it, don't be swayed. Like I said if there is going to be any chance of you saving your marriage you need to rock her world.

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A female reader, Lola1 Canada +, writes (16 November 2009):

Lola1 agony auntWhen we enter into a committed relationship with someone, we agree to certain rules. When we break those rules, we cheat. She knew her flirting and picture-sharing would hurt you. It was cheating; breaking your vows.

She shared intimate pictures of herself and agreed to meet him for sexual purposes. That she changed her mind for fear she might be caught is not to her credit. Had she not thought she saw a friend’s car would she have gone through with the sexual encounter?

I would also question this man’s motivation. I do not believe for a second he thought she was separated. If he thought she was available he would have questioned her reaction to seeing the car.

It hurts. I know. But it is the truth.

Again, if it were me, I would have her show her commitment to you through actions before I believed anything that she said. This is not her first time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She isn't a housewife she has a cleaning business she runs with her 21 year old best friend(my wife is 30) who is by all definition anti-relationship and constantly gives my wife terrible advice whenever she goes to her about anything in our relationship nher first response is always "leave him" or " I wouldn't put up with that. As part of her cleaning business she cleans a business office overnight from about 2 am till 4 am. Looking at the phone records I noticed she often called him while she was out at this time and I was home with the kids.

The night she admits to now having gone seen him she left my kids at this friends house while drinking none the less at 1 am while I was in new York having been given tickets from co workers to attend a world series game.

So she had time that evening to do whatever she so wished. The guy she had or is having this relationship with also told me that she told him we were seperated and I was living elsewhere. It just so happens this guy was the neighbor of a good friend of mine which is how I was able to track him down. Even more dissapointing is the way they both say it started.

His cellphone number was exactly one digit off of mine and she mistakenly sent him a picture of my son and his reponse was " that's not my son but he does look like mine" and from that the woman I married was swayed to less than a week later begin sending pictures to this man.

She moved back into the house 4 dAys later and I have been living in hotels. I still love my wife and she swears she'll do whatever it would take to get us back together but I really do not believe it. As she steadily downplays it and tells me it wasn't an affair because they didn't have sex. It was just flirting. She tells me I'm wrong for continously questioning her about it but I don't think there's anyway possible I can get past this without knowing the enitre truth

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

"A no good housewife"? To degrade the hardest and the most honorable job of all being a mother and a homemaker, without pay?

I have a feeling we didn't get the whole story here.I have an uneasy feeling about all the confrontations and something between the lines tells me, we don't know the whole story

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A female reader, Lola1 Canada +, writes (16 November 2009):

Lola1 agony auntI am VERY sorry this happened to you. What I am about to say won’t be pleasant, but I hope you find it helpful.

Your wife isn't sorry she cheated. She is sorry she got caught. That is the first thing you need to understand. Something is missing from her life and she is looking outside of her marriage and life to "fill the hole", so to speak. Whatever is missing has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault, although she may try to make you think so to help her deflect her responsibility.

If I could take over your life and "be you" for a bit, and remove all of your emotions from the scenario (missing the kids, loving your wife, etc..), I would tell her I don't want her empty apologies. She can't live up to them.

I would refuse to discuss reuniting and only discuss what is best for the children.

Perhaps in time, with counselling and with her recognition that you will not live in a scenario that you can not trust your wife, you can reconsider reuniting, however you would need to be convinced she is worthy of your trust... and ACTIONS speak louder than words, or in this case, empty apologies.

It is possible that realizing she really may have screwed up badly enough to have lost you; that she must work very hard to earn your trust (not just cry and say what she thinks you want to hear) to get you back, that she may stop. It is also possible it never will.

That is how I would handle it. You have some thinking to do.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

Your wife is not remorseful, she is not sorry, she is still lying and still contacting that guy. She has the audacity to say she is tired of apologising. SHE did wrong, she sent nude pics of herself to the other guy , now she is angry???? No way, do not be a fool. This is her strategy to not own up to her wrong doing. She is so like every other cheater, conveniently shifting the blame and making you feel as though you have done the wrong thing.

She cannot blame you for working 2 jobs. is she working or is she one of these good for nothing housewife who just look for excuses to spread their legs? Does she not realise just how hard things are financially. We are recovering from the economic decline. At least you have a job, holding down 2 jobs is hard . she needs to be realistic and realise that you are doing everything to provide for your family. You are actually sacrificing yourself for your family. This wife of yours doesn’t appreciate it. she has no respect for you. She is actually more of a liability than a investment. She is just a emotional and financial user.

She has had the audacity to cheat on you and then to take your kids and left you. She is using you and actually expecting you to be her door mat. DO NOT give in. YOU DID NOT DO ANY WRONG. This woman is now just cheap sh1t and she will cause you more emotional trauma by shifting the blame. You say she callous through all this. This shows what she really thinks of you. Hey you need to play hard. She will use the kids against you but know this- you are the victim here. Your kids will understand. Let her feel the pinch financially, she should not call the shot. YOU DECIDE on what terms you will take her back.

Good men are very hard to find and i think you are a good man. Do not let this undeserving wife of yours use you and destroy your life. You call the shots. And be firm. You are not her doormat. So she upped and left you- where did she go. Who is going to support her and the kids and for how long. I think during this time you need to do some soul searching. You know you cannot TRUST her again. You gave her a chance, she blew it. the moment you leave for work again that woman will be running after another man. Is this what you want. Why did she go at 1am to this other mans house? For sex? Who was taking care of the kids while she made her midnight dash for an attempt of sexual fulfilment. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t have sex – she went looking for it. she has been emotionally cheating and she has been using you financially. While you slog she is trying to get that itch between her legs scratched.

Why not take this time and look at it positively. Go to the pub. Start living a little. Maybe go out with the friends. Hey enjoy this freedom. You wouldn’t have got it if she did not cheat so some good came out of it. you are a good man, so go out and have a good time. Don’t be irresponsible but take a breather, you deserve it. as for the wife, let her wait for your call and let her wait for your decision. She needs to know that she is nothing and she will not dictate the terms of your marriage.

Take care. Don’t be a fool. You dictate the terms and you stick to it. show her who is the boss! do not trust your wife.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

I can't believe you went so far and met the guy and disscused your wife w/him. You really did a detective work here. If I were her I would leave too.

What did you expect leaving you wife alone for day after day? I think you really need to organize your life so you would spend time w/your family.

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A male reader, holikdad United States +, writes (16 November 2009):

It doesn't sound like shes sincere. You caught her and she's only guilty she got caught, not that she was having an affair.

An affair is an affair, it doesn't matter if it's emotional only or physical.

It sounds like you need to destroy her life, then see how she reacts.

What I mean by this is you need to pack her bag and kick her out of the house. I know, you work two jobs, but you'll need to seek assistance from family/friends anybody who can help you. Keep the children only your wife needs to be put out like the untrustworthy unfaithful spouse she has been.

If she is being callous about the whole situation then she sorry for what she's done, only sorry she got caught, and you need to teach her this lesson.

Also don't listen to anything she say's, cheaters are liars and that's a fact.

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