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My brother's wedding showed me how regretable mine was

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Question - (14 October 2017) 11 Answers - (Newest, 19 October 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *oniqueEE writes:

Jealous of Sister In Laws Family

Hi community.

I just attended my brothers wedding and it was amazing! Such a great day with lovely speeches and an amazing vibe.

I got married two months ago and looking at both I'm so jealous of my sister in law. Their family were able to help with the finances and so the location, venue and general run of the day was better.

Her father made an incredible speech and their parents were much present.

I feel very inadequate and embarrassed that I didn't and couldn't do anything better with mine. Everyone got their own accommodation and we didn't have everyone together the night before. My parents weren't able to help financially so myself and husband did it all ourselves, and it showed.

I didn't show anything of this to my brother as it was his day and it isn't his fault that I'm not so fortunate.

What I need help with is how to move on? I feel like such a failure and an embarrassment. My only regret before this wedding was that I didn't have everyone stay in the same place, now I've seen his wedding - I regret the entire thing.

I feel like I've failed.

View related questions: jealous, move on, sister in law, wedding

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (19 October 2017):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

i'd strongly encourage you to reset your entire way of thinking about your brother and your sister-in-laws wedding.

What matters most and what ought matter most to you, is that you found YOUR Mr Right, he found YOU, the two of you fell in love, so decided to marry.

This is what is truly most important.

How you did it and how much or how little you had on the day, who really cares?!

I know so many young/older men/women who'd literally give their right arm and leg to find their Mr or Mrs Right, yet they're still alone.

If you feel that things weren't up to scratch, that's only because this is YOUR mindset, not the mindset of others.

I can assure you, nobody is going to worry about your wedding day, half as much as YOU are.

If anything, all those whom attended your special day, would have said that they witnessed two people who love each other, marrying each other and this is the real deal, not the amount of money spent on the day.

Materialism isn't the be all and end all and it makes not the man.

Rest in the knowledge that you have found love and you possess your very own union/marriage with YOUR husband.

Not too many people out there will ever find true love & certainly not a love that will lead to a lifelong commitment.

This is what's most important and what you should be fully focused on, not worrying about what your day was like compared to your brother's wedding day.

Do you know what?

If you spend your life comparing, feeling jealous, feeling disappointed in yourself, etc;, etc;, you will never be happy and then one day, when on your very own death bed, you will feel incredibly overwrought with feelings of sadness and regret, because you spent your days worrying about the silliest of things, rather than on what was most important. YOUR MARRIAGE.

Forget about comparisons and start living within your very own marriage, which isn't that old.

Your marriage deserves effort on your part, because your husband cannot and will not be able to FIX YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS.

YOUR THOUGHTS ARE YOURS ALONE and you owe to your new husband and your new marriage, the gift of love, happiness and enjoyment.

This isn't a choice.

It's YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION, just as your husband has his moral obligation too.

Is this truly how you wish to live out the rest of your life?

Be mature both in mind, thought and deed.

Be happy for your brother and your sister-in-law and always take the higher ground in the presence of others, no matter how you are feeling deep within.

Try this and you will see for yourself the joy and positivity that it will bring to you and those around you.

If you emit jealous vibes, if you complain about this, that and the other and even if you punish yourself with constant negative thought, ONLY YOU will suffer, not anybody else.

You had your special day, your brother had his, so be happy for both of you, because after all, you are siblings and you obviously love him, or you'd not have attended his wedding.

Make today a new day and throw your negative and insecure thoughts out in the garbage.

Tomorrow is a new day and from there on, make every new day count in a positive way.

Also, try reading some self help books regarding feelings of self doubt, jealousy etc;.

You may find comfort in some of these books and it's even a good idea to chat with a professional, if you are really struggling with your thoughts or coping mechanisms.

All the best! :-)

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (19 October 2017):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

i'd strongly encourage you to reset your entire way of thinking about your brother and your sister-in-laws wedding.

What matters most and what ought matter most to you, is that you found YOUR Mr Right, he found YOU, the two of you fell in love, so decided to marry.

This is what is truly most important.

How you did it and how much or how little you had on the day, who really cares?!

I know so many young/older men/women who'd literally give their right arm and leg to find their Mr or Mrs Right, yet they're still alone.

If you feel that things weren't up to scratch, that's only because this is YOUR mindset, not the mindset of others.

I can assure you, nobody is going to worry about your wedding day, half as much as YOU are.

If anything, all those whom attended your special day, would have said that they witnessed two people who love each other, marrying each other and this is the real deal, not the amount of money spent on the day.

Materialism isn't the be all and end all and it makes not the man.

Rest in the knowledge that you have found love and you possess your very own union/marriage with YOUR husband.

Not too many people out there will ever find true love & certainly not a love that will lead to a lifelong commitment.

This is what's most important and what you should be fully focused on, not worrying about what your day was like compared to your brother's wedding day.

Do you know what?

If you spend your life comparing, feeling jealous, feeling disappointed in yourself, etc;, etc;, you will never be happy and then one day, when on your very own death bed, you will feel incredibly overwrought with feelings of sadness and regret, because you spent your days worrying about the silliest of things, rather than on what was most important. YOUR MARRIAGE.

Forget about comparisons and start living within your very own marriage, which isn't that old.

Your marriage deserves effort on your part, because your husband cannot and will not be able to FIX YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS.

YOUR THOUGHTS ARE YOURS ALONE and you owe to your new husband and your new marriage, the gift of love, happiness and enjoyment.

This isn't a choice.

It's YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION, just as your husband has his moral obligation too.

Is this truly how you wish to live out the rest of your life?

Be mature both in mind, thought and deed.

Be happy for your brother and your sister-in-law and always take the higher ground in the presence of others, no matter how you are feeling deep within.

Try this and you will see for yourself the joy and positivity that it will bring to you and those around you.

If you emit jealous vibes, if you complain about this, that and the other and even if you punish yourself with constant negative thought, ONLY YOU will suffer, not anybody else.

You had your special day, your brother had his, so be happy for both of you, because after all, you are siblings and you obviously love him, or you'd not have attended his wedding.

Make today a new day and throw your negative and insecure thoughts out in the garbage.

Tomorrow is a new day and from there on, make every new day count in a positive way.

Also, try reading some self help books regarding feelings of self doubt, jealousy etc;.

You may find comfort in some of these books and it's even a good idea to chat with a professional, if you are really struggling with your thoughts or coping mechanisms.

All the best! :-)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntGlad you are taking the good advice because so many people get lost on what a wedding really means. We had no help with our wedding from parents, and even if they offered we still would have kindly declined because we are both adults who wanted to get married, and well its about marriage not a big fancy wedding.

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A female reader, MoniqueEE United Kingdom +, writes (16 October 2017):

MoniqueEE is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all the responses.

You are all right, this is irrational thinking and I'm being selfish.

I wasn't thinking of my husband, who is the best human on this earth, I wasn't thinking of my friends who travelled 3 hours to see me, and I wasn't thinking of all the hard work I put into this to make it work.

Comparing myself is useless and futile, and I will learn to love myself and those around me better.

Thank you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2017):

Surely as long as you love the person you married it is all good ....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2017):

We make do with what we have. God blesses us individually. He doesn't give us all the very same things in life; but gives us something unique to be grateful for as our own special tailor-made blessing. Jealousy will diminish the value of our blessings, and replace it with sorrow.

You are comparing two weddings, and allowing envy to spoil your special day for you. You struggled financially; but the end-result is living your life with the man you love, and who loves you.

The celebration and the presentation of each wedding was unique unto each's own; but only you took the love out of yours by envying your brother and SIL. Things sometimes look better on the surface than what dwells beneath it. People often put on lovely facades. If you were a fly on the wall, and could see things behind the scenes, you'd see sometimes you're better off than you may know. After-all, weddings are nothing but a show. Some have a bigger budget to put-on a bigger show!

Envy is a form of hate. It distorts things. You should be happy for your brother and sister-in-law. I know you love him to bits! So maybe being ungrateful for your own blessing has offended God; and now you've let evil forces steal your joy. Remember, your brother found his happiness with her; not with his wedding! So be glad for them!

You worked harder for yours, and more blessings are yet to come. Provided your heart changes its tune. Your brother got all that you and your parents would have given him if you could. There is no less love there if you couldn't. Am I right?

I congratulate you both on finding love and sealing your commitments to your partners. It's not the wedding that counts, it's the marriage.

God bless all of you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2017):

There are no bad emotions that we are not supposed to feel or supposed to suppress.

What were you really jealous about? It seems that the wedding is just a symbol of something you yearn for but do not have. You are the only one who knows what that really is. Is it a loving family? Money? A better husband?

Whatever it is you can work on it and get it. Not overnight, but it's doable. Ignoring your own wishes is never a good idea. But, you should be realistic. Is this need really coming from you or is it an outside pressure? What have you done to get whatever it is that you want?

My fiance and I were broke when we got married. We decided to quietly go to our Marriage bureau and have a simple civil ceremony with our "witnesses". A couple of days before, my hubby to be changed his mind and said let's have a party at our flat afterwards and so we invited our friends for an afternoon "snack" in our small apartment. But, we both do not care for big weddings. So for us it was ok. And at that point in time that was our reality, we were broke. And like you we did everything o our own.

Accept your situation the way it is right now. If you don't like it, work towards changing it, but start by working on yourself.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (14 October 2017):

mystiquek agony auntA wedding is just a ceremony. Its what goes on between the two people that marry that matters. Why be sad about something that is past and you can't change? Are you happy? Do you love each other? THOSE are the things that matter! If it bothers you so much why not save up and have the wedding that you wanted to have? People do it all the time. I got married at a Justice of the Peace, the person I wanted was there..that was all that mattered to me. My sister had a HUGE Catholic wedding, all the bells and whistles...guess whose marriage lasted? Guess whose didn't??? I mean nothing against my sister but in the end, the wedding didn't mean anything..they weren't happy together. Its all about how you look at things!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou know, OP I have been to a LOT of weddings. Most of them WAY more costly than my own but looking back, I think my own wedding was fitting for US (my husband and myself) and I am SO glad that there wasn't a lot of money spend on that ONE day. Was it the "perfect day"? Not really, it was a NICE day.

We had a backyard party at my parents' vacation home a while after the wedding (we had a JOP wedding in the US) for all the people who weren't at our wedding (which was ALL of my side of the family). We had tents, a band and GREAT food and drinks, so it was ALMOST like a wedding but in a way more casual state and it was by FAR lovelier than our wedding. However, it REALLY wasn't any different from any family gatherings in my family like 50/60/70/80 birthdays or anniversaries or family reunions.

The thing is there is no real point to being jealous. You had your wedding and the "prize" was you got yourself a GOOD man and hopefully, he and you can make a beautiful life together as husband and wife.

In a couple of years, you can host a renewal of vows and have another party. OR... you can just ACCEPT that every wedding is different, every couple and family is different too.

You know what the worst wedding I attended was? The most expensive one. The mother of the bride had made all the choices (not sure why) and she was a total "MOTB-zilla" the groom's dad got super drunk and embarrassed himself and the weather was the worst. The bride was oblivious to every drama that happened, she was just glad to see family and friend and "get" her man.

Why FRET over things you can't change? What's the point in beating yourself (and whoever helped you with the wedding) up?

Your brother had a wedding that was a few notches above your own, so what? Be glad that you got to witness the event and was part of this.

Let it go. This is pointless to be upset or jealous about. Because? You can't change a darned thing.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (14 October 2017):

A wedding isn't a competition it is joining together of two people in love and hopefully two families. That you cant celebrate what you have and what you and your husband did together is terribly terribly sad. You Have my pity your husband has my sympathy.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntBlimey! Talk about LOOKING for problems!

The wedding is just a few hours. Surely the important thing is that your friends and family were there to witness your marriage and help you celebrate it? So you couldn't afford to have a big flashy wedding? Does that make your marriage any less valid? You and your husband did the best with what you had, and I am sure your friends and family were very happy for you.

If you look, you will always find someone having a bigger and flashier wedding. That does not mean their marriage is any happier or will last any longer, or even that their friends had a better time.

My mother had a theory that the flashier the wedding, the shorter the marriage. She and my dad had 5 other people at their wedding and their "celebration" was a meal at her uncle's house. My mum and dad stayed married for 20 years, until dad died. They never regretted having a small intimate wedding.

How do you move on? By growing up and realizing that a bit of glitz and glamour is not what is important in life. What is important is the people you share your life with - especially your husband, who did his best for your wedding (even though you don't seem to appreciate it).

Be happy with what you have got. There will always be people with "more".

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