A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this in advance.My brother just recently had a baby, its his first and the first grandchild. We have a beautiful little 5 week old baby in our family and everyone adores him.Is it normal to not send family members pictures? My brothers wife does not want to send anyone pictures of the baby. For example my mother wanted to send a picture of the baby to my aunt but before she sent it my brothers wife said no - she wasn't to send any pictures as "they may end up in the wrong hands". My mother is very upset by this - in 5 weeks my mother has only been able to hold the baby 3 times. I've held him once and once was told to back away from the basket when I was having a peek at my nephew. We are a normal family, no issues or anything and since its the first grandchild I was wondering if this is the norm?. Just to note they also won't let anyone else from my brothers wife family hold the baby either or send pictures to family members.Everyone is excited but the way they are acting its like they are the only people to ever have a child.I'm giving them space and don't contact them to see the baby unless they get in contact with me as made to feel unwelcome otherwise. We've also offered help when needed but its been refused. Any input from you guys would be appreciated.Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (29 December 2014):
 OP - I am slightly confused. If you live all live together in your house, do you not bump into them in the kitchen etc? Do you not share living space? Or eat dinner together? Did you do that before the baby came along? It all sounds such a very odd situation.
Do they not feel welcome to "spread" themselves further into the house? Without knowing the emotional set up, and how your personal relationships are, it is very difficult to know why the feel they need to isolate themselves.
I still stand by the fact that I think they are not wanting to have people interfering, BUT if they are just holed up in a room 24 hrs a day, something is wrong. Do you get regular visits from the midwife/health visitor?
If your Mother had asked for a photo for herself, perhaps they would have had a different answer - if she directly asked for a photo to send to everyone she knows (as grandparents do like to brag), perhaps that is what got their backs up?
OP, there is far more to this than meets the eye, and I feel that getting angry and irate at them is NOT the right thing to do. In reality it is NOT your call, and not your right to dictate how and why they do things. They are obviously working through things in their own way, and just because your mother wants 24/7 access to the baby does not mean she is entitled. How often does your mother visit your house if you live with them?
Rather than getting angry about what YOU are NOT getting in your mind, perhaps you should be thinking about WHY they are acting this way, what is making them feel so insecure. Thinking about the New Mother (who perhaps could be suffering with post-natal depression) would be a much better start. When was the last time your mother asked how Mum was, rather than just demanding to see the baby?
Can you see what I am trying to say? Stop making this about the baby, rather about them as a new family. Mum, Dad and Baby are all equally important.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 December 2014):
 It's their first baby, they are being OVERPROTECTIVE. I have 3, so I DO remember.
1st baby I did NOT like anyone to hold her, specially not people I barely knew. I did NOT go out much (with or without her) the first 3 months, simply because I was EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep and all the "newness". Plus I was nursing, and I didn't WANT to do that in front of people. (Since we lived in the US at the time, I had already learned how "offensive" Americans think breastfeeding in public was) and baby #1 was a VERY frequent eater. She ATE often and for a LONG time, slept little and fussed a lot. Oh, and I left the hospital to go home 8 hours after giving birth.
Second baby? Well,I had her in Germany and NOT only did she SLEEP well, she was a great sleeper, she ate fast and only every 4 hours. I could bring her anywhere and not have to worry about dirty looks while feeding my baby, nor did I give to fly fart about nursing her in public. And I think the ENTIRE unit (my husband was military) held the little bugger and she just loved it up.
#3 was about like #2. Easy baby too.
So, my guess is, the MOM and DAD are still adjusting to having a helpless little new life who is ABSOLUTELY dependent on them for his/her survival. IT IS a big deal. And it's ONLY been 5 weeks.
Does the baby sleep/eat well?
Does the grandmothers keep giving "unwelcome" advice? Do the new parent feel like every thinks they can't do it?
Does the mom get enough sleep? I tell you SLEEP DEPRIVATION is a MAJOR struggle for many new moms. It's rough. I seriously didn't get more then 4 hours straight sleep with #1 until she turned 18 months. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
I'd give them a bit of space but let them (specially mom) know that if she needs sleep/break that you will watch the baby (if you are willing).
By the way, does she have a midwife that comes for home check ups?
As for your mom wanting a picture, I get it. Maybe next time your mom gets to see the baby, YOU can take some with your phone or camera? But DO NOT post them on social media, unless the MOM/DAD wants that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2014):
 OP... with your followup you say they are living IN YOUR HOME... how do they keep the baby from the family if they are living with you?
I personally think that your concern is valid and that they are way over reacting...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2014): Original poster **@ Celtic tiger no one has held the child to bounce it up or down. Only grandparents are allowed visit but my mother 3 times in 5 weeks, their close friends have not seen him either. I have because they live here. I am walking on egg shells in my own home. Thank you for replies
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2014): Original poster **I am giving them space. We all are, I saw them everyday up until the birth seeing as they are living in my house. They live in their room and as I said I do not call them unless they call me. I still think its bad manners to be rude to my mother when she asks for a picture of her grandchild.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): Leave them be. It's their baby, their choice, and they're trying to do their best to protect the most precious thing in the world to them. My OH and I were the same-we wanted to get to know our little one without interruptions from others and definitely said no to sharing photos electronically or by social media. We see family as often as we did previously. It does grate that they don't ask after my wellbeing at all (following my c section) but I know babies are exciting.
I think your approach is just right. Keep in touch with them, ask how they are all doing, and in time (maybe once the baby has settled in to a better routine of sleep?) the parents will invite you over.
Don't be offended by their attempts to adjust to their new life and to keep their precious baby safe and secure.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 December 2014):
 I like that Celtic_tiger.
~SY
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (28 December 2014):
This could be more of an extreme reaction to how other people are behaving, and wanting space, rather than direct malice against the family.
How often did you see them BEFORE the baby arrived? If it was only once a month, then really, nothing has changed? Just because a new baby has arrived does not mean everyone has a right to demand to see or hold it.
A LOT of people go a bit baby-crazy when a newborn appears in a family. They all want to hold it, cuddle it, bounce it up and down, at every minute of the day and night. It is all about the baby. (personally I don't get this, and babies do not make me want too coo and go mushy, I really don't understand it at all).
Some people find this a bit daunting, and annoying getting calls and visits each and every day from lots of people all wanting to see "the baby" and not really giving a stuff about the parents wants or wellbeing.
It could be that they are struggling becoming parents and want to get to know THEIR baby, without interference from the rest of the family - the fact that everyone is being treated the same means there is no preferences being played out. Grandparents/Aunts/Cousins/Siblings forget that it is not THEIR baby - everyone has an opinion and feels they have rights over the infant and its care/life/entertainment. Everyone wants to stick their oar in, give their opinion on how it should be fed, clothed, bathed, etc etc etc ......
They could just be fed up with all the interruptions, however wellmeaning they might be. It is only FIVE weeks old. The mother may still be suffering from giving birth, may be suffering with breastfeeding, may be suffering with just being a knackered new mother. Perhaps she just wants some peaceful time on her own with their baby?
When you are feeling ill/tired/in pain do you want your whole family traipsing in and out of your home? Give them a break - there will be many many years to come for you to see this child.
You said "I'm giving them space and don't contact them to see the baby unless they get in contact with me as made to feel unwelcome otherwise."........
You only contact them to see THE BABY - not to see them. Did you see them at all before the baby?
As for the photo thing, in some ways I can understand. It is THEIR choice who they send photos to. Their choice WHEN, WHAT and HOW photos should be distributed. In the world of social media and the internet, and sadly, people who cannot be trusted, many people do get OTT about safety. It only takes one "friend of a friend" to not have a secure facebook page, and an innocent photo can be shared around the world. If that was your child, how would you feel about it?
This is their first child, and they are still very new parents finding their feet. Stop trying to dictate how they should do things - it really is not your business at this moment. Yes it is lovely you have a niece/nephew, and it is great you want to be part of its life, BUT you are not its parent. They are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): **Orignial Poster**
Thank you for replies. They have 0 reason for fear. The picture thing is apparently they heard a radio show about kids pictures getting on the internet. Sending a picture to my aunt is hardly that, she doesn't even know how to turn on a computer. They have not even let their close friends see the child.
Thanks once again for response.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 December 2014):
It sounds like they live in fear. I wonder if they have a reason for being so afraid of where the pictures end up or what could happen if someone else handles the baby?
~SY
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 December 2014):
 They are going overboard and yes, some people are like this with their brand new babies. It is not unusual behaviour for new parents and yes, it hurts.
It is hard to know what to do for the best ...... maybe go to your nearest GOOD book store and ask for the best kid's story books about extended families, books about Grandma's and Aunts and Uncles and lots of cousins ........
If the new parents are so overprotective they are probably keen to "do the best" and that will include reading to the baby.
Inscribe the book, looking forward to lots of bedtime stories, love from Aunty XXX wrap it up and post it.
If they haven't woken up in a few weeks send another gift, "cant wait to get to know you, love from Aunty XXX"
it should jog them into at least recognising the baby has a family willing and waiting for an opportunity to get to know him
Good luck
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