A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:ok i really need some help here, so i need as many opinions as possable, whatever your veiw. ok, i was sexually, physically and mentally abused by my brother when i was about 9 years old and he was 15. my parents worked all the hours they could for there own reasons, the sexual abuse lasted for a year or so, and only stopped because my dad had a stroke and was suddenly at home all the time. i didnt have the courage to tell my parents until i had daughters of my own (i was 20)and my parents reaction suprised me, they said they didnt know about it at the time but since so long had passed i should try to forget about it and get on with my life, as you can imagine i was distraught, i couldnt understand how they could still want him around.they begged and pleaded with me not to report him and insisted we could all keep an eye on him better if he didnt know that i had told them. but i pressed charges against him and reported him to social services because he has a daughter of his own, onother of the reasons i felt i couldnt keep quiet anymore, even though it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do, his partner has stuck by him and believes it didnt happen and pressing charges got me next to nowwere as i only told 2 pepole at the time and had no proof, my own children still see my parents in the week for a few hours but i argue with them constantly as im worried sick that if he turns up at the house they wont ask him to leave and i dont want my kids around him but as theyve already lost there cousins that they adored and a grandparent died last year, i dont want to cause them more pain by not letting them see my parents because they are so close, i dont want them to visit them in my house because i cant bear to look at them anymore. they say if he didnt have children they wouldnt want him around but they dont see it as choosing between me and him they see it as choosing between there grandchildren, which they cant do, also if anything happens to his daughter they want to be there to do something about it, even though they truley believe he wont do anything to her. id love to know what other people have or would do in this situation, because its causing me so much misery, i love my parents but cant forgive there desicion, this has been going on for 3years now and i cant take much more of it
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, heaventhomas +, writes (23 May 2008):
 hi
i cant bare to believe what happened to you and i think that you should do something about it, i know it might be hard but it is up to you. i think it is wrong not to report him as he did all them things to you.
because he could do it to someone else to so your not really helping yourself your helping them that could be his next victim. no one can change what he did to you but you can stop him once and for all and save someone else that might be abused from him in the future.
good luck x
make the right decision.
and write back
A
male
reader, Ares  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Laura1318,
Please cease using double spacing to make your puerile and useless diatribe seem to be based on some form of fact and/or reasoning.
The young lady in question has shown great courage to have reported this. She has acted, granted belatedly, in the interests of protecting another child from the acts she was subjected to, when she was a child. To Female 22, I would suggest that you seek some form of counseling to help you through this difficult period in your life. Please try the attached link to see if it is of help to you. http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php
Laura 1318, I am happy that you have found some solace in the words of the bible and believe that is your right, however by trying to push your religious views upon others, you do your religion a disservice. Once again I have found myself a little bit dumber for your mindless sermons.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 brooke5426,
Thank you for your views and your time to explain your stand on this matter.I appreciate your efforts.
Your perspective is valid from your point of view.
I would agree with you that nobody can see into the future.
It is only when circumstances or events have played out
that we can say like that. (The fact that someone said they
wish she had posted here before going to the police because
he could have told her not to as the police would not do anything.)
I agree too that the simplest way was for her to report to the police .
To talk to a lawyer first would have cost abit .
But it is not wrong to come here first to seek other's
opinions and then evaluate whether to take up this course of action .
It is the poster's choice.
[Quote]
"We also have something called perverting the course of justice. If she hadnt reported it and then it was discovered that he had sexually abused his daughter and she had known all along that her niece was in danger, then it lands her in trouble."
[Unquote]
You can feel it that way but the police cannot do much.
They may investigate her claims and asked a few pertinent
questions and if they don't find anything suspicious it would be the end of it.
Every man walking is a potential rapist or abuser even if he has no records on him.
Does this means that the police will have to monitor every male citizens in the UK ?
In reality,there were cases where numerous reports were made
to the social services and the police and yet the the victim died from the abuse.
In this case, should she report to the social services and not the police?
The social services would investigate and take away the child if they found evidence of child abuse.
Would it be more appropriate to do that?
[Quote]
At 15 years old you know what you are doing, we are not talking about the actions of a toddler or a small child who doesnt know any better.
[Unquote]
This point is debatable whether a 15 year old boy is fully
aware of the severe repercussions of his actions.
Most of the time , even though the boy is 15 years old ,
he has the mentality of a 12 or 10 years old.
Is justice really served by sending him to prison?
Would he learned anything from a stint in prison ?
Sending him to prison could turned him into a hardcore
criminal because of the association with those hardcore convicts.
It would have been a better option to asked him to seek a counsellor or therapist .
He would most probably get 3 years only and not the maximum 5 years upon conviction.
Even a rapist only received 6 years in your country.
Here, a rapist gets 18 years and six strokes of the cane.
The prisons are overcrowded with paedophiles because the
law specifies a prison sentence instead of a fine for
viewing or possession of child pornography.
For those convicted of child abuse cases, it is a life sentence! (20 years in prison)
This is just an academic exercise and only my personal views.
If anyone is slighted or offended,it is unintentional and my apologies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Twirly + ♥, writes (7 May 2008):
 Hi There,
Ive popped back on to re-iterate that you did do the right thing in reporting your brother for abusing you as a child, and I hope that you're feeling better about it all since asking your question the other day.
Im sorry that the none of the recent answers have been directed at you and that you've only been referred to in the third person, if mentioned at all.
I hope that all this squabbling over your question hasn't upset you or put you off posting again, but if it has Im really sorry and want to wish you all the best and tell you again that you're very brave and totally 100% in the right.
Good luck xx
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (7 May 2008):
 And what makes me think I am right and others are wrong? The fact that someone said they wish she had posted here before going to the police because he could have told her not to as the police would not do anything.
I know for a FACT that is wrong. Unless you can see into the future, there is no possible way for anyone to know what the outcome of reporting the crime would be.
Im not saying i'm right about the whole thing, a lot of it (especially from your point of view) is difference in culture, but the point i have been making throughout is that she did not know what the outcome would be, her brother could very well have been tried and found guilty, therefor people who say it was a waste of time for her to report him because the outcome would always be the one it was, are wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (7 May 2008):
I dont know the posters motives, but I fully believe that it was to protect her niece and to seek justice for herself. My mothers on motives for pressing charges against her uncle were very similar.
And you are right, in this country we WILL prosecute family if we believe they are or could be a threat to someone. It is the right thing to do, I know that if a member of my family was looking up child pornography or i believed they could be a threat to my nieces or anyone else, it would not be easy by any means but I would absolutely HAVE to turn them in to the police. I couldnt live with myself if I didnt.
Talking things through is great for minor disputes or disagreements. Sexual abuse is not minor. Nor is it in the same category as sibling teasing/bullying. I do not believe you can or should brush sexual abuse under the carpet and should just be talked about, apologised for and then forgotten. It is life destroying and this woman will need extensive therapy and counselling for a long time to recover from it. Her brother should be punished for what he did.
We also have something called perverting the course of justice. If she hadnt reported it and then it was discovered that he had sexually abused his daughter and she had known all along that her niece was in danger, then it lands her in trouble.
"If he was charged and convicted , he would be in prison for
5 years and with remission 2/3 may come out after 3 years .
His future is ruined for life with that police record.
Even though, he was not charged, he could be facing stigma or prejudices or ruin for all his life."
That is not her fault. It is not her job to protect the man who ruined her life. He DESERVES 5 years in prison. He should've thought of the consequences on himself as well as his sister when he committed the crime. At 15 years old you know what you are doing, we are not talking about the actions of a toddler or a small child who doesnt know any better.
As for the DNA thing, the majority of cases in the united kingdom are carried out without any proof or DNA of the crime being committed. Of course there has to be reasonable suspicion that the person DID carry out the crime but if there was always solid proof that the person on trial committed the crime, there would be no such thing as a no guilty plee. If someone is lying in a court of law 99% of the time they will trip themselves up or change their stories or what they are saying just will not add up.
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A
female
reader, Aeval + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
 Aunts please calm yourselves!
I know that abuse its a horrid topic and a difficult one to read also.
This lady did not come here to be questioned, preached at or bible bashed (thats for bible club!! LOL)
She came to us for help and advice. May I suggest some of the aunts here take a good look at themselves? For one moment if you think abuse is ok then you have issues.
As for this problem, councelling. I suggest get preofessional help to show you how to cope?.Try to move on with your life and focus on all the positives that you have, abuse is not an easy thing. Take care and try to heal
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 May 2008):
Legally speaking she has every right to press charges
against her brother but ethically and morally was she right?
If he was charged and convicted , he would be in prison for
5 years and with remission 2/3 may come out after 3 years .
His future is ruined for life with that police record.
Even though, he was not charged, he could be facing stigma or prejudices or ruin for all his life.
Life is also not easy for her too.
She dug up the past and now she has got to come face to face
again with the ghost of her past which is tormenting her.
It is a tragedy and I hope she seeks help to get over and
bury her unpleasant past once and for all and moved on with her life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 May 2008):
brooke5426
I don't know how the UK justice works.
If there is no DNA or concrete proof,
how do the courts sentence a man guilty of abuse after it happened 30 or 40 years ago?
It is easy to make allegations of child abuse but the only
way , you can convict them is with proof or with their own
confessions or circumstantial evidence.
If an accused is innocent and still being send to prison, then this is a miscarriage of justice.
There were some cases of people who were send to prison due to fabricated evidence.
There is no doubt that a number of innocent people have
been convicted and that many other innocent people, who have
not been convicted, have had their lives ruined."
In one news ,about 120 former care workers convicted of
sexual abuse 100 had been victims of a miscarriage of justice.
Why is there miscarriage of justice?
It is due to the police tactics.
A report in the Daily Mail.
Recommendations made by the committee included compulsory
video or audio taping of police interviews with complainants
to ensure officers did not generate false allegations.
There were cases where police had "named suspects or asked
leading questions" when interviewing former residents, the report said.
The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) should
revise guidelines to prohibit officers from offering
witnesses inducements such as parole or lighter sentences in
return for giving evidence against alleged abusers, said the report.
The MPs recognised that the longer the period of time
between the alleged offences and allegations surfacing -
sometimes 20 or 30 years - the more difficult it was to prove one's innocence.
If one or two people come out and falsely accused you,
then you are dead.
We know the legal system can work in that way .
The govt or the prosecutor calls the shot.
Thats how the elite justice works in some country.
The report highlighted Merseyside Police's investigations
into 510 former care workers which resulted in only 67 being
charged, and just 36 convictions.
In this case, it concerns a minor and the police will not be
interested as they have a hands full with so many abuse and paedophile cases.
Sorry for going off tangent and now we come back to discuss this case.
What was her motive in reporting her brother for a crime that happened more than 11 years ago?
I don't know and only she herself and God knows the reason for her actions..
If you are a parent and one daughter wants to send another son to prison, what would you do?
What goes around , comes around.
No parents would want that to happen but maybe some people
due to reasons best known to them would not mind seeing
their own rot in prison or ruined.
You are entitled to your opinions that it is her right to report to the police.
I am not saying that you are wrong but that we have differences of opinions.
Just because we don't see it the same way , you think
I am accusing you of fabricating lies.
It is my nature to be skeptical and I don't accept anything as the Gospel truth.
We need to find the truth and not just swallow everything hook line and sinker.
I find it shocking that in your society, that a person can
rat to the police because their father or husband or son is
watching child porn or committed abuse and thereby send them to incarcerate in the prisons.
They do not handle the case first by talking and consulting
with them but just call the police to handle it the instant they are aware of it.
Should'nt you try persuasion and meditation to him first to stop those actions .
If he is adamant and recalcitrant , then as a last resort , you call the authorities.
[Quote]
"People in here have claimed that she should not have pressed charges because there is no possible way anything could come of it. That is not correct.[Unquote]
Who is correct or incorrect nobody knows for certain,
only God and time will tell ,
but it would be better if we say we do not agree with those who think that way.
What makes you think you are correct and other's wrong?
This was what she posted in here and you decide if what she did was advantageous to her or caused her life more miseries.
[Quote]
he ended up being visited by social services, questioned by the police, offered some help with his issues but thats about all, so hes basically got away with it because of him being 15. it will be on his records though, so if anything does happen to my niece he will be the 1st to be looked at, though by that time the damage will already have been done. sometimes i wish i hadn't have said anything, as life would have been much easier for me and my family, but then i think of what he did and could do to other children and im glad i summoned the strength to go through with it, that does not mean that if you don't say anything you are weak, when you find someone you feel you can confide in you might be able to talk about it,, but i know my life was more bearable when no one really knew.
[Unquote]
This is just an academic discussions only for the poster is now feeling the repercussions of her actions.
How to move on with her life and make peace with her parents .
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (5 May 2008):
But the point is, she did not know how the case would go therefor she was right to press charges and not just take the law into her own hands. Because he COULD have been tried and found guilty. She knew he commited a crime and she reported it. That was the correct thing to do. And in the UK there CAN be cases without concrete evidence as such. After 40 years, there can be no DNA evidence of a sexual crime but my great uncle is currently in jail for abusing my mother in the 60s. He was not found guilty because they had DNA evidence or PROOF of what he did as such.
I dont know how things work in malaysia but in the united kingdom if you know of a crime being commited, you report it to the police.
People in here have claimed that she should not have pressed charges because there is no possible way anything could come of it. That is not correct.
If that was true, how is it that my mother successful prosecuted her uncle almost 40 years after the abuse? how is it that a friend of waz successful prosecuted her father for abuse which had happened 10 years ago?
Is it that myself and WizardofWaz are lying and fabricating stories of people we know who have been succesful in doing what the poster attempted? Perhaps we even started our own newspapers and wrote the articles on both stories ourselves to make our arguements more convincing? Or is just that lonelytwo and yourself (neither of you brits) are wrong in what you claim can or cannot be done under OUR government.
Regardless of whether or not her niece is in danger, he sexually abused her and she was right to report him for it. She cant see into the future and didn't know if it would be brought to court or not, but there was every chance it could have been therefor of course she was right to do it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
I would like to share this motivational story here.
"Peeling Onions ."
Through out life a large portion of us have
experienced some type of abuse.
Be it emotional, mental,physical or sexual in nature.
Unfortunately most of us do not know how to cope with it and
are constantly dwelling upon the issue.
Usually the abuse was done by someone who was close to us.
I have been in these shoes.
Praise be to God that I am now on a firm path to healing.
But not long ago, I was in constant pain within myself over the abuse.
I had faced as a child.
My father is an alcoholic.
And my mother runs from her problems.
Unfortunately I was at the hand of both of them.
Through their personal battles, I ended up being convinced
that I was a no body and would never amount to anything.
I suffered server depression. I went through days when I
felt like there was no hope and no end to my pain in sight.
I have overcome all of this now, by allowing God to work all of this out in my life.
I still have days of struggle,but through Gods grace I am
able to see with spiritual eyes how to face them.
I never faced the sexual abuse issue personally, but I know many women who have.
The struggles are the same.
You are in constant search for peace in your heart.
You want to forgive those that hurt you.
You want so bad to be healed.
But you don’t know how to get there.
Let me tell you , there is hope.
There is peace and joy.
There is a God in Heaven waiting for you to call out to Him.
He is just waiting for you to allow Him to take your pain.
He wants to heal the wounds that bind you.
He is waiting for you to release the burden to Him.
’Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.’
Psalms 68:19 When we come to the point in our lives where we
are so fed up with the feelings and burdens we bear.
We must release them to God.
This is when we are ready to be healed.
’Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your
healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go
before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.’
Isaiah 58:8 In order to receive this healing of your wounds,
you must first forgive those who have abused you.
‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other; just as Christ God forgave you.’
Ephesians 4:32 Until we forgive those who have abused us,
God is not able to work in their lives.
We are like a wedge that is driven between God and the person who has caused you the pain.
This happens because we take the burden back from God and try to deal with it in our own way.
God is not able to work on the things in our lives that we refuse to give him whole heartedly.
You must call out to the lord and give him the pain in order to be healed.’
Then you will call, and the Lord will answered; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.’
Isaiah 58:9
When you surrender to the Lord, the healing process then
begins. You become like an onion.
God begins to peel away the layers of the wound that binds you.
When this happens it will sting a little for a
while.
God will continue to peel the layers and He will continue to heal you.
In His time all that will be left is the beautiful little seed that is in the middle of the onion.
As you begin to grow, a new onion will begin to appear.
God will bless this new onion seed.
You must feed the new onion as it grows.
Feeding the onion, means to surround it with the Word of God and other believers.
The more you feed the onion, which in essence is your soul, the faster you will grow.
God will begin to use you in mighty ways.
You will meet people in your daily life who are going
through the struggles that you have overcome.
It becomes a ministry.
You will be filled with the peace, love and joy
that God has longed for you to always have.
I pray that all of us would become an onion and allow God to peel you and make you new. ‘
But he was pierced, for our transgressions, he was crushed
for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was
upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.’
Isaiah 53:5
By J.Hale
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
After doing a bit of reading on this topic , I found this information and hope they may help poster.
You could also read 'Breaking Free:
Help for survivors of child sexual abuse' by Carolyn
Ainscough & Kay Toon (Sheldon Press £12.99) as this book can
help you understand the way in which sexual abuse can affect
the victim and then deal positively with the long term effects.
Look for a therapist who specialises in sexual issues and
check out their qualifications before commencing.
Your GP may be able to help or contact the British
Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapists on their website www.basrt.org.uk
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
The poster should seek a counsellor who is specially trained in helping adult survivors of sexual abuse.
No matter what happened, poster should forgive her parents and brother .
I don't know if the address below is still valid since that article was printed in 2001
For further help write to - ICAIR 'Independent Care after
Incestuous Relationships and Rape' Gate House, Whiteways, Gt. Chesterford, Essex CB10 1NX
Fromhttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=20657&in_page_id=1879
(You may have to copy and paste the link in another window.)
Forgiveness….
Romans 12:17
Never pay back evil with evil..Do things in such a way that
everyone can see u are honest clear enough..
Dont quarrel with anyone.
Be at peace with everyone just as much as possible.
God , forgive us as we forgive those who have hurt us .
As Christians we should not have the problem of forgiving those who hurt us .
If we want to have peace in our life, we must learn to forgive and move on with our life.
We must not withhold forgiveness or our sins will not be forgiven by God.
Let go of those hurts and if u cannot , then asked Jesus to help u to forgive that person.
If God love us the way He let His son Jesus to die on the
cross for us, we should forgive and really forgive that person.
Never avenge for the wrong for God will repay that person back.
Leave it to God. Remember God’s grace and what u have received, pass it on to others.
Forgiveness is a process which may take time and then u need God to heal ur pains and hurts .
Nobody is perfect ,we all made mistakes.
Someday, we too may offend or hurt our friends unintentionally..
An easy way to forgive others is to think of them as like little children.
It is much easier to forgive children than adults.
Forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t synonymous.
Jesus talks about forgiveness in very different
situations-both when there’s repentance on the part of the
offender (Luke 17:3) and when there isn’t (Matthew 18:21).
Forgiveness is about what you do, not what the person you’re
forgiving does (or doesn’t do).
For reconciliation to take place, there has to be work on both ends of the relationship.
And in some cases, especially those involving the threat of continued abuse, reconciliation isn’t desirable.
You can forgive without forgetting.
Fromhttp://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2005/sepoct/10.16.html
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
In many countries , there is a law statute that says after a
number of years (I think 12 years )you cannot bring any
charges against a person after that time lapse.
I think I will retract this statement as I think I made a mistake.
It has to do with claiming for damages from another person and not capital offenses.
Regret for the error.I apologize for the mistake.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
brooke5426
He was at that material time only 15 and it is not absolute
and he is innocent until proven guilty.
Though under the law ,he is under criminal responsibility but you need to prove that it happened .
Proving it is another matter.
She reported to the police and she told us what happened after that.
Why did the police not prosecute him ?
Simply because there is not enough concrete proof that can stand in a court of law.
You don't go charging anyone because someone reported him.
They need to investigate and evaluate the case.
Each case is different from another.
You cannot lump your mothers case with this case of a minor.
The facts are not the same.
In many countries , there is a law statute that says after a
number of years (I think 12 years )you cannot bring any
charges against a person after that time lapse.
Your statement is just too simplistic.
It is not a simple open and shut case.
"What does the age of consent have to do with any of this?
We already know she was well under the age of consent and
that he was well above the age of criminal responsibility."
[Unquote]
You don't simply condemned a person because somebody said she was abused.
He should be given a fair trial and not mete with mob
justice and hang him summarily on the nearest tree.
If the poster is not satisfied with the police inaction,
she can hire a lawyer and institute a civil action suit against her brother.
It is not that I don't believe her story but we need to
stand on neutral ground and give the benefits of doubt to her brother.
Just listening to her side of the story is unfair to her brother.
There are two sides of a coin.
Another thing, when we were young we made mistakes in life and we learn from it.
To say that he was sexually abusive and will abuse his daughter is being stereotype and presumptuous.
Did you make mistakes when you were young?
If someone comes and say you would commit those mistakes again because a leopard will never change its spot.
How do you feel? Circumstances are no more the same.
She may fear about his possible abuse of his daughter but
this is not a fact and the police cannot act on such intuitions.
Even if she reported to the police, the police cannot prevent the abuse before it happens.
They can only take actions after the abuse .
What difference does it make whether you report or don't report it?(Poster admitted this fact.)
What she achieved was made a report in the police data base.
Read her answers. It is all there.
She would have been better off if she just kept quiet about it or settled it among her family .
This is my personal opinions only and you may disagree.
It is her right to lodge the police report but whether it
was advisable or advantageous or not is another matter .
Maybe , the family bonds are not strong in the Western culture.
In the East, most children will be filial and listen to their parents.
They would not want to go against their parents.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (5 May 2008):
And Laura, I'm not being funny but I dont think you are really grasping this at all. What does the age of consent have to do with any of this? We already know she was well under the age of consent and that he was well above the age of criminal responsibility.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (5 May 2008):
You said yourself in your first post on this topic that you do not know how the law works in the UK. There have been plenty of high profile and not so high profile cases where victims of sexual abuse have filed reports as adults and the case has gone to court and the accused found guilty. My mother's case being one of many. How is that possible if what you are saying is true and that after a certain period of time it is not possible to find someone guilty?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
I completely agree with Ask oldersister.
This is the law in UK.
Consent to sexual relationships
England and Wales
In England and Wales the same laws apply to heterosexual and
homosexual activity and offences can be committed by anyone,
male or female, over the age of 10, which is the age of criminal responsibility.
It is an offence to intentionally engage in sexual touching
with a young person aged 13, 14 or 15. ‘Touching’ covers
all physical contact, including touching with any part of
the body, with anything else and through anything, for
example, through clothing. It includes penetration.
A person aged 18 or over is liable to up to 14 years
imprisonment for this offence. A person under the age of
18 is liable to up to 5 years imprisonment. A person may
claim in their defence that they believed the young person to be over 16.
Intentional sexual touching of a young person under 13 is an
absolute offence. This means there can be no defence in
such a case that it was believed the person was over 16.
Sexual touching which involves penetration of the vagina,
anus or mouth by the penis or penetration of the vagina or
anus with a part of the body or any object is punishable by
up to life imprisonment. Sexual touching not involving
penetration is punishable by up to 14 years imprisonment.
Fromhttp://www.brook.org.uk/content/M5_1_consent.asp
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 LonelyTwo, you are absolutely correct. Whether other aunts agree or not, the way you tackled the question was from an educated, well equipped mentality. When people "react before they have the facts", it reflects more poorly on them than you. I think you are a great asset to the site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): brok; the united kingdom and the USA laws are very much alike. The USA based their laws on "common law", which was created by your country. Common law cannot be over-ruled. When you hear in the USA that a law was unconstitutional, it was because it went against the common laws that the USA accepted as there own.
WizardofWaz did speak of a case, but my logic followed what he described in that case: have your facts in order before you present it. I suggest you re-read it and ponder it for a few days; question it to yourself and attempt to answer it yourself.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 May 2008):
My advise to LonelyTwo ,do not argue with some precocious
and irrational child for you will get nowhere with her.
Better to save your energies and concentrate on helping others.
Damned or be damned with those agony aunts who don't agree with you.
You can argue until the cows come home and she would still be where she is.
What's the point?
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (4 May 2008):
Nothing needs to be proved to you. Everything that needs to be proved is proved to Andrew. Not you.
Your logic is wrong. You claim that she should not have reported it because the police would not be able to do anything so far down the line. Why then is my great uncle still serving time for sexually abusing my mother? By your logic that is impossible and could never happen. But it did. WizardofWaz told of a similar case.
Maybe you should stick to your own country and your own countries criminal justice system (or lack of it!) and stay out of ours because you obviously know nothing about it.
This is my last post in this thread and to the poster of the question, thank you for your pm and your kind words and you are welcome! x x x
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 May 2008):
“The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable,
but the mouth of the wicked, what is perverse.”
Proverbs 10:32
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
Proverbs 18:21
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female
reader, Twirly + ♥, writes (4 May 2008):
Guys, I really think you should take this argument off the board now and keep it between the two of you.
It's not fair to having a slanging match like this all over this lady's question, especially given the sensitive nature of the subject matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): It is apparent who have a twisted concept of justice, that you go charging in, which tells me you know knothing about the laws of your country. If your too stupid to not recognize that what you claim and what she did and the result, being hit in the head with it wouldn't help your one bit.
Don't have children and if you do, I'll pray for them? Look who is talking about riding a high horse.
It is apparent you don't know how to read, because I've said nothing about protecting criminals, just to use the brain you have (in your case none) in how you go about getting justice.
I requested to see the PM just to see if you were blind in reading these too! I was giving you an opportunity to prove your claim, but apparently your lying. Which you are proving with every post.
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (3 May 2008):
You're disappointed by our behaviour? Who the hell died and made you king of all dear cupid? Thats obviously the attitude you have since you sent me a pm requesting that i forward YOU the pm's that paedophile sent me. What has it to do with you and why should they be forwarded to YOU?
Find me one professional person who works within the field of child abuse who would recommend not reporting the crime and I will gladly accept your twisted view and desire to protect paedophiles. Please don't ever have children, and if you already do, I shall pray for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): It is honorable that you, duskyrowe and brooke5426 have a passion to protect the victim. What I believe we aunts and uncles should be providing, is a well rounded accumulation of facts so that the poster can review and take into consideration all responses before they act. If we provide half a story of facts, roadblocks, then they will fall on there face when they attempt to implement our suggestions. Going to the authorities was premature for the poster, and we see her outcome. If WizardOfWaz had been the first poster, there wouldn’t have been room for the rest of us to comment but to give our sympathy, because WizardOfWaz provided a wide coverage and areas that should be considered before taking action, something that duskyrowe and brooke5426 fail to acknowledge, even after a total of 47 posts here. Solver provided a missing link in our post: proof that it happened. Yes we believed her, but she had to convince the authorities, which it didn’t go well.
You both should consider being more open to opinion and stop being so narrow in your judgment. Hopefully, you both will put this to rest and ponder all that has been said here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I find it hard to respond to someone who has been bashing someone for an opinion duskyrowe, when you can't even get the written facts right. He wasn't the boyfriend, but the son of a boyfriend, also an adult at the time (18 yo).
As for not believing her? Where did I say that? Are you so obsessed with the topic that your mind becomes clouded?
Judge and Jury? No one was acting as judge and jury, but asking the obvious. We can sugar coat things like you do, but it doesn't provide the reality these people will need when they go for help (please read WizardOfWaz post).
Naive? Yes you are! We want justice and we want to protect children and others from it happening in the first place, but we also have laws, and if we irrationally make judgments, the laws will work against you. If the poster had come to us first before going to the police, the best advice would have been to get proof! Again, read WizardOfWaz post, a very knowledgeable person and he presents it very clear.
Your remarks where the mother said the child tells lies, is not uncommon, either the child does or doesn't, but a professional should be consulted before making any irrational claims or take action, otherwise, you could further endanger the child.
brooke5426, I don't know who you were calling an idiot, but this is much worse then what was claimed against solver.
The both of you have a vision that if others don't follow, you become hysterical and start attacking. Like I said before, but you probably only read and comprehend only what you want to, is that the poster handled herself very well and responded nicely to solver. So with that, the poster did not need your protection, she did very well herself, so give her credit for it.
I’m very disappointed by both of your behaviors and attitudes over solvers post, you should be more mature in the future and take your non-productive gripes elsewhere.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 May 2008):
 We are supposed to be Agony Aunts on here and help people in their hour of need. NOT THE JUDGE AND JURY!!!!
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male
reader, WizardOfWaz + ♥, writes (3 May 2008):
 This story isn't quite as clear as we would like in order to suggest practical advice. So we need to clarify some points otherwise people will be tempted to make mistaken assumptions about your problem and you will end up getting very poor advice.
You say your brother subjected you to physical, mental and sexual abuse. The former two could come under the category of sibling bullying and therefore a matter for your parents, not the police, as it is realy dependendant on the extent of the violence whether it is a domestic or legal problem.
The sexual "abuse" part is also a bit blurred as we havent been told what extent that was either, and again this is an important point legally as the more serious the offence the more vigoursly the accused will be pursued.
At the time the offences occured your brother would be classed as a "juvenile offender" under the lesser sexual offences (such as harassment or groping etc) but would be tried as an adult under more serious offences such as rape.
Although he is an adult now these things will still be taken into consideration when considering prosecution. If you want to pursue charges I would suggest you resist the temptation to make groundless accusations about your brothers subsequent behaviour as an adult when making a statement to the police. Just stick to what he did over ten years ago and it is with these facts alone you may have a case.
But if you try and embellish the legal facts with hearsay and irrelevant accusations you will be viewed as an unreliable witness not only by the police but the prosecution too. And these are the people on YOUR side.
It is crucial from a legal point of view that if you are the sole witness you never detract from the particulars of a crime.
I know of one young lady who as an adult prosecuted her father for offences of rape which had taken place when she was a child She stuck to all that she could remember from the events, and even though she was vague on many details, she was an impressive witness as she didn't once deviate from her statment into irrelivant and unsubstantiated allegations about (for example)whether he is a paeodophile NOW, but stayed with the facts of the crime as it took place THEN.
She showed me the result of her determined efforts via a newspaper cutting she always keeps; "Seven Years For Father Who Raped Child Over Ten Years Ago".
You might find some comfort in your anger and hatred of your brother, and understandably it has coloured your view of him throughout his adult life.
The law sees things differently that is why in one case a sole witness can prosecute successfully, while in another the police would not even waste time bringing charges. Once you understand this then your chances of prosecuting your brother may improve.
But as I say, because your question is somewhat lacking in important specific details the answers can only be at best guesswork.
Regards
Waz
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