A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy of 40 on a dating site we have been dating 6 months. He is about to complete his divorce and has two children under 8. His wife left him two years ago and things are amicable.If I have a future will I be expected to share my house which is nearly paid off? He sold his marital home and spent all the profits on gadgets and then took out a 16k car loan. I struggle with this. I also understand he was very low when he did thidI struggle with his appearance too. He weighs just over 20 stone and is 6". He is all stomach. I also have never been attracted to strawberry blonde guys. He has a huge amount of ginger body hair and quite large breasts. I am used to dating tall athletic dark guys. I was open to something else. I feel ashamed writing this.He told me he loves me and I think I love him. He also loves food and has no stop button. He is not open to seeking help with his eating and says he can do it alone. He has not lost any weight in 6 months.When he sits on the bed his stomach is huge. I cant look at him at all. I can't cuddle him standing up either or sit on his lap. I feel his stomach comes between us.This sounds awful. I feel embarrassed to show friends pictures of him. This makes me feel bad about myself. I am far from perfect. He seems kind and very attentive. We get on really well and I trust him. We have quite a lot in common. I want to get past these obstacles and they are causing me distress.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2015): Why are you staying with him with all those faults?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2015): Than you so much. I am OP
I came out of a loveless relationship and Mr Kind Man but out of Control showed me a lot of attention making me feel feminine and desired once again. I need to also take responsibilty for my actions here.
The post below highlighting his spending habits, overeating and divorce in situ especially rang true.
When I have been intimate with a guy I find it very hard to see problems logically afterwards and to break away if need be. Thiscis a huge flaw on my side. I also love caring for and looking after people. Time to focus on my dog perhaps.
I needed your clarity and your reasonings for my feelings and I must say you have been spot on.
You have given me more sound advice than any of my friends or family and I thank you dearly for your time and effort in responding.
Thanks guys x
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 October 2015):
 The two of you are incompatible. There's nothing shallow about it. We're not talking about a couple who has married and time has aged them. We're talking you aren't attracted to him from the start, and there are fundamental differences in how you two view money management. On one hand, I would have used home profits either to invest in my portfolio or to buy another home, but something right from the beginning of your post jumped out at me:
"He is about to complete his divorce and has two children under 8."
This guy is STILL MARRIED! There's no way you could HAVE a meaningful relationship with the guy! Where did his kids go live if he's burning up the marital home? What provision did he make for them?? And - what will the courts say about a marital asset he blew money on himself about??
I think his divorce is much messier than you think. And - there's WAY MORE baggage with him than just the Samsonite one in his belly, not to be mean about it. His habits are showing that his life is out of control, and he's used to other people cleaning up his messes for him.
Financially, he's going to have over 10+ years paying child support and possibly alimony, and definitely if his wife gets a lawyer and does some forensic accounting (that's not just for estates...that means they do an asset search as to what belonged to the marriage as well as searches for hidden or mismanaged money or assets), what's going to happen then? Add to that if you think of mixing even a single PENNY of your money with his in either tangible (i.e. bank accounts or investments or credit cards) or intangible (i.e. going on a lease with him, helping pay bills, or a joint phone bill), she could make a bid to go after YOU in an attempt to paint you as an accomplice to his hiding money, even if it's not true, you'd be spending money fighting it in court.
This guy is not in any position, emotionally, financially, or mentally, to be with another woman. He's still married, he's eating like there's no tomorrow, and you are there as a diversion. He may in fact use you to mitigate his bad decisions by either wanting to move in with you or to have you salve his bad decision making.
I would be kicking myself silly if I used the liquidity of a home sale for anything less than another long-term asset. A car depreciates with such ferocity, and in the UK, gas/petrol is astronomical as well as paying for upkeep on the vehicle.
Bottom line - why are you wasting your time with someone you clearly aren't attracted to and see numerous red flags on things that mean your future? Stop nagging him or trying to fix him, because there are no "fix-er-uppers" when it comes to men/women, and you won't change him any time soon.
Add to that the even more glaringly obvious fact, and that is that he is STILL MARRIED and will keep a lot of baggage for a long time.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (22 October 2015):
 I would add only that at six months into a relationship, you should still be feeling sparks and butterflies rather than doubt and disgust. The fact that you are not suggests a distinct lack of chemistry between you and your new partner. This is not likely to change. Is there a reason you're willing to give up so much of what you normally prefer in a partner in order to be with this guy?
It's also worth noting that people tend to be on their very BEST behavior when starting a new relationship. If your boyfriend is unable to control his eating and spending habits even when trying to make a good impression on you, they may be addictions rather than habits and they will almost certainly remain stress factors in your relationship for as long as the relationship may last.
You can keep trying to work on things with him if you like, but I'd strongly advise against any big decisions like moving in together or shared finances as long as you feel this uncertain about whether he is the right person for you.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 You have made the case for a pre-divorce action. Just find another guy. Let this guy down as gentle as you can, without the body references and move on. good luck
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2015):
 I get it. I do. I met my hubby when he was too thin... and he now is all belly and we have no sex life and we can't even hug because he looks like he's going to drop twins tomorrow...
I'm not much better so I don't complain... and to be honest I am not ashamed of him nor do I find him unattractive and we both got fat after we got married....
IN your case, you are
a. not married.
b. not attracted to him on multiple levels (his spending, his food choices, and his weight and his lovely ginger hair (My hubby has red body hair and it's plentiful and i Love it)
Sux doesn't it. The feelings of being shallow are so hard but you are not being shallow... being shallow would have dismissed him from day one due to how he looked...
you gave him a chance and there are other issues that are causing you to not push past the physical.
As for your home, you only have to add him if you want if you even stay together but you are too young to have a sexless relationship...
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A
female
reader, Daniela.Vanilla  +, writes (22 October 2015):
Dear Lady
This is a wonderful description of how physical matters are important. You need to be with someone you are attracted to, someone that you are proud of, someone who does not repulse you. There is no way that a relationship starting like this could be a happy or successful one. Why are you dating him? Why don't you guys just be friends? Do you crave a relationship? That is ok, but it will come when it will come, you can't force it. And this friendly man is definitely not the relationship that you want.
Think about what you want, what man and what kind of relationship, write it down and be at peace with it, and then open up and invest in romances that are good and healthy for you and make you happy.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 October 2015):
When it comes to his appearance, it’s not awful to say (as you are when you break it down) that you’re not attracted to him. Of course personality matters but the chemistry has to be there too. But you must have known it wasn’t there 6 months ago. You complain about his weight, his attitude towards it and his spending, and you seem less than enthused by the idea of sharing a house with him. The awful thing to do would be to drag this out because of misplaced kindness. You need to tell him the truth, that you care for him but that the attraction isn’t there and you’re not compatible. Okay it’s harsh and it will hurt him but not as much as dragging this out until it comes to a messy, ugly head, which it will because you’re not in love with this man at all. I don’t doubt your intentions are sincere but you’re doing the wrong thing even if for the right reasons.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): Im am the OP. Ivyblue I agree. I am so sorry if I sound shallow. I really am not but his stomach falls out of his trousers all the time. I do care about him but he seems to be a secret eater and spends money excessively. I guess I have been putting the horse before the cart.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 Why does a future have to equate him moving in with you? If anything keeping different houses sounds like a better option when he is not as financially secure or savy as you. When you say 'He seems kind and very attentive' suggests that you have a lot more getting to know this guy. But I think you have put the cart before the horse because you are not even attractive to the poor guy to the point where you are ashamed and turned off already. You can only get past obstacles when they are no longer there but if he believes there is none then perhaps you need to be looking for a more suitable partner. Only seems fair to you and him.
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