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My boyfriend's personality has changed, should I address this? And how?

Tagged as: Faded love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2016)
A female Macao age 26-29, *oliParks writes:

I'm with this guy for a year and a half now. And he had just broken up with his abusive ex of 5 years, by the time we met. He was very frail, little things could upset him greatly, and it took a few months for him to be himself again. But he was very romantic and I loved it. Nowadays he does not do the things he does. I know we're over the honeymoon stage, but if I say something, his answers always are: "I don't believe in romantism" or something. But I feel bad because he used to wrote a bunch of stuff for his ex.He had a tumblr for that! So I feel bad. Plus, when I ask for more appreciation the things he say remind of my previous abusive relationship - dismissing what I'm feeling. And those discussions upset him, and he is acting like I'm the one who has changed. I don't know if I should approach the subject, if I'm overreacting... And any input would be appreciated.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (29 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntIf I am reading this right though he was affectionate at the beginning - something he now allegedly doesn't believe in which is puzzling because you're looking at something a bit different there - your talking about a change in beief system as well:

"But he was very romantic and I loved it. Nowadays he does not do the things he does. I know we're over the honeymoon stage, but if I say something, his answers always are: "I don't believe in romanticism" or something."

I am therefore inclined to think this has much deeper roots. It could be in his last relationship but I am seriously think there is an unaddressed physical or mental health issue here - doing something and then not doing it is a step behind doing something then denying you believe in something and not doing it, if you catch my drift.

It means a person acting against their stated beliefs when they were doing it before, if you catch my drift.

I'd point this out to him but I think he needs to see a professional to get to the bottom of this. Good luck.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (29 July 2016):

fishdish agony auntI don't know..did his ex MAKE him keep a tumblr or FORCE him to be romantic towards her? It's possible that if she was abusive when he didn't do those things, he originally did romantic things in his relationship with you out of habit of consequences from the last relationship, and his anxiety is actually triggered by people prompting him to do the romantic. He may see himself as standing up for himself or protecting himself when he says he doesn't believe in romanticism. If this is true, you should remind him that you have NEVER done xyz like the last girl. You should tell him that the xyz things he used to do made you feel loved and cared for. Tell him it hurts your feelings to be compared to her. Ask him why he thinks it's the same situation? It doesn't sound like he's processed his last relationship and you two jumped right into this one right after that one. You might recommend a counselor for him.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntHe was romantic at the start to try and win you over, now that he has you he feels he does not need to do these things, yes the honeymoon period is over, but you should still feel loved and valued in your relationship, if you are not feeling this then something needs to change. If he won't listen to you and he throws in back in your face about his abusive past then he is not being a great boyfriend. I would question just what abuse he went through, and ask yourself could he have been the one that changed in his old relationship as well. You are right to talk to him, and if he does not listen then tell him you do not want to be with someone who makes no effort for you.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (29 July 2016):

YouWish agony auntI think it's because your boyfriend is showing more of his REAL self. He spent the past year being who he is not, and that's romantic. Now that he believes he's "got you", his real self is emerging.

You should be questioning his abuse story, because if he's using his past abusive relationship to get out of being considerate toward you or showing you affection, that in itself is a red flag.

It also shows that he is capable of abuse as well.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (29 July 2016):

Denizen agony auntI think a bit of tough love is called for here. When he tells you that you remind him of his previous relationship then say if that's the way he feels then you will save your energy for someone who appreciates all the love and effort you are putting in.

You can't spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around his bruised ego.

I wonder what he means by an abusive relationship anyway? It's a term that could cover everything from PMT to out and out violence.

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