A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey All,Me and my Boyfriend (Dany) are together for more than 1,5 year. I feel love the first time. It would be a real happy love-story BUT (!!) unfortunately his parents have problem with me :( His father is my teacher at school (that's how we met and fell in love). Before that, his father loved me a lot, but as soon as we got together he changed. He went cold. This was the first sing. During the lesson I felt he is spying me, he is watching all my steps, testing me all the time...The real strange thing started when he introduced me to his home. I went there to meet his mum, to see where he lives, to spend a night there with his parents... My boyfriend is at the age of 26 (Im 23), but his parents are behaving like he was 12... Mostly his father. He is crowing to him, he is "playing" with him, he is hugging and kissing him all the time, calling him up 5 times a day that "Where is he/ how is he/ what is he doing / what did he eat... etc... Whenever Dany says "I am going to my girlfriend and will spend the night there" they get aggrieved that why he has to be with me, why cant he go home and be with them... (I am talking about 3 nights a week - that is the time we spent together. )Dany always telling me that they are making him mad. Mostly his father... sometimes he is just too much. (even for me)Last weekend we had a fight (second big fight in the relation). We were close to break up, and guess what happened! His parents started talking against me, calling me shit, calling me under-level - under educated, I am the worst person on Earth. They did not even want to hear my story, that why I was angry with Dany... they say whatever I do is bad, I am the Evil, and Dany should leave me right now. But not this happened. We sat down (me and my bf) and talked about the problem. And SOLVED it. Main thing we love each other, he was a bit stupid (even he agrees and said sorry for that he hurt me)... I love him so... But You can imagine what is happening at his home these days. They are just talking against me and the relation. His father also told Dany that he is not even in love with me, he just love the LOVE. Not me. Dany of course get angry with them, that why they have to call me those ugly way, and why cant they accept that we are together, and that we love eachother. He is going mad, he fear to tell his parents that we are again together, cuz they start shouting and calling him idiot... he loves me a lot, so we meet secretly. Now what to do? What shall I do? Even now we met, I asked him if he spents the night here, he would like to but told me "I can't cuz my mum would be very very angry.".So he went home and I sat down and started writing this, cuz I totally dont know what is the solution of it. We cant shack up cuz I am a student, has no money for a flat. So I live at home (where my parents love Dany a lot and even never get their nose into my relationship). He lives at home, where his parents are telling him all the time those things against me... :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): The problem is not the parents. It is your boyfriend. If he has chosen to be with you he should tell his parents they cannot disrepect you in front of him or you...because ultimately they are disrepecting his right to be with the woman he loves. If they want to say bad things about you they should have those conversations elsewhere. He needs to put to be though on them he is an adult they cannot tell him how to spend his free time. I suspect his parents dont really hate you. They are just trying to control the situation because their baby boy is turning into an adult and they are not ready.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 As always, there's more than one side to any story...
pardon me, but I have doubts about the perfect happy relationship you would be having. If in 1.5 year , you have come to the verge of breaking up twice - it can't be THAT happy and compatible.
Not to excuse these overbearing , meddlesome parents... but, they already don't like you that much for reasons of theirs... then maybe they see you two ( or hear of you two ) having big fights, and see Dany unhappy, sad, stressed out , nervous because of stuff that happens between you two... a protective - ok, hyperprotective - reflex kicks in. They think- and say- : she is already lacking in this and that ( education, or what else ). But, at least you were deliriously happy with her ! Instead, there's obviously trouble in Paradise, so why , Dany, do you have to hang on tight to her ?, that's silly.
Again, not excusing them, a 26 y.o. son is an adult and as such should be respected and let be free to make his own relationship mistakes, - just saying that maybe these parents' behaviour is not as irrational and mean as you portray it.
Anyway,... it's all up to Dany, who, as we just said, is 26 y.o. adult, so he should man up and act like a man, - even if they treat him like a boy.
A man would simply move out . ( I think he should anyway, at 26, even if he was in excellent terms with his parents ). If he has nowhere to go... he could move IN with you and your parents, since they love him so much.
Or, he should ( calmly ) put his foot down and say : look pa, look ma, there's no point in shouting and getting angry- this IS my gf, this is the woman I have chosen, this is not going to change. I am sorry you disapprove, and I hope you'll come around, but even if you don't ,that's not going to change the fact that she is my woman, so you might as well save breath and try to all live in peace.
Or, at the very least, another option is to let thier reproaches and critiques slide over him. They call him an idiot ? Unpleasant, but.. so be it. He can survive to that.
What you and Dany do not get, is that his parents do not HAVE to like you. Maybe their reasons for disliking you are wrong or unjust, but they are their reasons, they are entitled to feel what they feel, people do not need / want / deserve to have their children's partners shoved down their throat. It's the CHILDREN that should ... grow up and handle it in a mature way.
You are mad at his parents, and maybe not without reasons, but.. I feel that you should be mad at Dany instead. He is the one who is acting like a 12 y.o., not just his parents treating him like one. When you are an adult, you OWN your actions, i.e. you decide what you want to do and do it, - accepting that it may bring some difficulty, some strife in your life ( ... moving out, or coping with parental disapproval ). If you can't OWN you actions and have to hide yourself , wrapped in secret and shame, then you have no right ( and no business ) doing these actions to begin with.
P.S. A side note on sleeping out 3 times a week. I feel that , even if their parents loved you to bits, ot COULD befall under the " this house is not an hotel!" category. Most parents would chose to turn a blind eye for the sake of peace in the family, but others could be annoyed.
The idea being that Dany lives with them, and probably off them ? - the meals they cook and serve are good enough for him, so the furniture, house appliances, cleaning service, heating and any other conveniences and commodities are good enough for him- apparently not the bed since he has to desert it so often. So , well, if he likes sharing your bed so much- he might as well share also all the other amenities YOU provide at your place through the effort ,work and expenses of yourself or your parents.
That may sound petty, it is actually. Then again, I can't fully blame a parent who does not want to feel as he is considered not family , but just the manager of an inexpensive guest house.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 You need to decide whether this relationship is worth it. He is already hiding you from his parents and their opinion is not going to change in the near future as they simply think you are not good enough for their son.
This relationship spells too much trouble and sooner or later your BF is likely to curve under the pressure - this I can say is because he cannot be honest and stand up for you.
Time to cut your losses because this relationship will end in disaster and you with a broken heart. There are some men that will stand up for the woman they love and then there are those that will not want to hurt and upset their parents - your BF is the latter.
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A
female
reader, Gaillia  +, writes (25 August 2014):
The situation that you are describing reminds me of high school. I'm sorry but that's just the way I see it. A couple hiding their relationship just because one of their parents doesn't approve of it, or in this case you. If you have to hide your relationship because parents of the man that you love doesn't approve of you then you need to seriously have a discussion with your boyfriend. His parents should have no say in whom he dates and he shouldn't let his parents dictate his future. You deserve more respect from his parents. The only concern that his parents should have about him is if he is happy with you. If things don't change soon, his mind will eventually be influenced from his parents and worse case scenario is that you two don't end up together. No one has the right to make someone feel like shit. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, regardless of your relation to that person.
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