A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend asked me if I would be okay if he met his ex for coffee. His ex reached out to him wanting to catch up while she is in town for some official business. My boyfriend's ex ended their relationship a year ago and is currently seeing someone or so I think. I said that would be okay because I believe in the love we share. He is himself with me and that is something he never had in his past. I trust that my boyfriend understands why it didn't work in the first place and wouldn't do something to hurt me. My friend, however, disagrees with my decision. She believes that meeting an ex is unnecessary, bringing up old memories that are no good to the present relationship.. especially when we don't know the intentions of the ex. My friend thinks that no matter how much I think I know my bf, I am making a wrong decision by agreeing to this..
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. And thank you for assuring me it was the mature thing to do. I ended up telling my bf that I thought it was unnecessary for our relationship at this point, but nothing more. So he will be meeting her tomorrow. I definitely feel possessive, even a little jealous. But I plan to wait and see what happens.
A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (2 June 2018):
 I think he made the wrong decision by not declining the invite. Asking you does not dismiss he has indeed put the burden of dammed if you do dammed if you don't in your court. Thats just not fair. I think trust is one thing but this is disrespectful IMHO.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): Well, I can see how you don't want your boyfriend to think he is in a relationship with a parole officer!However, there is also such a thing as giving them too much rope.I believe in not putting people in situations which could encourage certain outcomes, which you may predict can happen. Why play with fire?If he does not have coffee with her, if he does not see her, if he has zero contact, then he is not placing himself in this situation, period.Best possible outcome.OP, I will tell you straight what I think and it is not meant to scare you. It is meant to make you THINK. Why would anyone encourage a meeting with an ex? In the big picture, there is NO need for this. Their relationship is OVER and done with. It ended a long time ago. Your boyfriend has since moved on. He is apparently happy with you now. She left him. It was not his decision. So, how do you really know if there are any residual feelings on his part? I am not saying there are, or that any would even resurface. However, you do not know what is in his heart or what is going on in his mind. Some things are private. And we do not share them with our partners, and sometimes we are not even aware of them ourselves, until... bingo! That person is right in front of us. Yes, it is possible that feelings could come flooding back. And why do you want to open that can of worms? Is it really necessary for him to ease his guilt? I mean, who cares? It does not matter anymore. He has no relationship or friendship with her. None of that should matter. Especially NOW that he is over her and has a girlfriend. So, I would seriously be questioning his need to relive this so called guilt NOW... The timing is odd. I mean, why even bother when that relationship is dead and long gone? Obviously he was able to bury this guilt for all this time. You don't just suddenly feel guilty and want to alleviate it by meeting up with someone out of the blue. Sometimes we need to learn to live with things and put them away, and just move on. He owes her NOTHING. I would be wondering if this was just an excuse?You are doing your best to trust him. But I suspect if you went for coffee with your ex boyfriend, he would not like it one bit.Ex's are bad news. They belong in the past.This is my very firm view: Never put yourself in a bad position. That is the best offence.It's like why would you start texting your ex and claim it's just a friendship when you are opening a can of worms, and encouraging further communication, and attachment? You would be setting yourself up for the situation to escalate. Whether it is a premediated thought (usually is) or not...Same thing here.I would tell him you are not comfortable with him going after all. That you told him it was okay because you did not want to come across as jealous or controlling. But that you have concerns and are uneasy about the situation. There is nothing wrong with being totally open and honest. That you do not see the point in the meeting. His relationship with her is over and he should be past any feelings, guilt included, that he has toward her. We need to stand our ground in relationships, OP. Not tip toe. If he doesn't like it or does not consider your feelings, then that is not a good sign.So what if she has a boyfriend now? That won't stop her if she has feelings for your boyfriend.The catch 22 is you want to trust people but you should never trust anyone 100 per cent. It's a very sad statement but it is true unfortunately. You just never know what people are capable of.At the end of the day, it's your heart. And you are the only one who can protect it. Nobody else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): You made the right call. I think it would be sort of immature for you to say he couldn't see someone, even an ex. He's a grown-up. He didn't have to ask your permission but did, which was nice. If he does something stupid, that's on him. He's going to have a way better impression of you (and your composure, maturity, etc.) now that you've said yes than he would if you had said no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): Okay, we're dealing with the afterthought and misgivings brought on after talking to your friend.
I caution you about exposing your inner-most secrets regarding your man to your girlfriends! I don't care if she's your bestest of the best-friend. Seek generic advice. Ask your mother first.
I do agree with the friend. Exes should be left in the past. Whether you are completely over a person, or still in the process of getting over that person; it is best to remain no-contact. Let them become a fond memory. Unless you share children; or you're legally-bound under financial, contractual, or business obligation. That could become a financial-liability if unfulfilled. Honor your obligations.
Dredging-up the past is a bad idea; if you haven't fully recovered, or still maintain a certain amount of unresolved feelings for your ex. Only your boyfriend knows what's in his heart, and what he still feels for her. You don't have to put-up with his pursuit of "closure;" after a whole year has past. That's BS! Your time and emotions are precious!
You did tell him that you were fine with it. You weren't being completely honest were you?
Were you just making a noble gesture; and hoping he'd just change his mind when you said you'd be uncomfortable with it?
Well, always say what you really mean when making a decision that will affect your relationship. Don't be mealy-mouthed, or tell people what they want to hear. Say what is truly in your heart; and deal with whatever their reaction will be. Don't fake trusting him, if you don't. It's better to be honest and let him know that you don't feel trust is well-established enough to risk things at this point. You can't double-back and try that now. You have to live-up to your word.
You have to prove that trust you lead him to believe you have. You can still inform him that you are feeling uncomfortable the more you think about it. It's better to be honest than stew on it.
Clearly explain to him that you are exercising your trust in him. If this matter opens up a door where he is constantly going back and forth with his ex; or if he betrays your trust by sneaking around, or being dishonest. It's over. Say it, and mean it!!!
You will have to convince yourself that he deserves trust; and he will have to earn it. If he violates that trust in the slightest way; you have to revoke your trust, and decide whether the relationship is strong enough to continue.
Testing or exploring your feelings about people in your past, or in the aftermath of a breakup, is taking a risk. Once you have started a new relationship in your present; that is playing with fire. In my opinion, he has far too many excuses to initiate this contact. What emotions are likely to resurface after all this catching-up? What if her boyfriend doesn't like the idea?
She was the one who ended that relationship; and he is the one who had to accept her rejection. You are an innocent third-party in the middle; who has to guess what's going on in everyone's mind. His responsibility is to be reassuring. He has to show you the respect for your feelings that you deserve. You didn't give him permission to pursue and try and reconcile with his ex. That should be a clear and given understanding.
This crap with resurrecting exes, or having overly-attached exes who are constantly in-contact; is something I personally won't tolerate. I won't stand for exes always in my man's grill and asking favors. He won't allow that from me either. We respect and trust each other; because we set boundaries, and enforce them when absent of each other. We value the trust between us.
My time, trust, and my devotion is valuable. I decide what I will, and will not, allow to occur in my life. I'm not afraid to let someone go. His ex can have him. I don't fight over anyone; and I don't punish or stress people with my distrust and insecurities. I am the master of my fate. I call the shots regarding my own feelings. My relationships last; because I know how to give trust, earn trust, and when to let go. Life has taught me to trust my wisdom and judgement; and not allow people to toy with or test my feelings. I don't play games.
Yours is a difficult spot to be in. Now put your trust to the test. You had the opportunity to tell him you didn't want him to; but you can't just flip, and decide "oh, now I've changed my mind." It's too late for that.
You have to ignore your friend for now. Keep her out of your relationship-business, by the way. She has just instigated you to have second-thoughts, causing you to worry. It's none of her business! Don't make your decision, and THEN go ask for advice! Don't even discuss it with her, until long after the fact. See what happens?
Just see how things go. If all of a sudden this means they're getting chummy, and they reopen a new bridge of excessive-communication; it's your call if you want to be in a three-way relationship. Sharing your relationship with your boyfriend, and his ex-girlfriend. Feeling like an outsider. If that happens, put your foot down!
For now, sit and quietly observe. You should intercede; if and only if, that becomes clearly necessary. No, don't attempt to take any preventive-measures; because that's uncalled-for and impulsive. Such overreaction isn't based on fact or evidence. He deserves to prove to you your trust is justified. This is his chance. Again, I suggest that you wait and see.
You don't have to, if you don't want to. You don't get to suddenly become overcome with jealousy; and start to nag him with your unsubstantiated-suspicion and insecurity. You clearly set your boundaries, trust him if he's trustworthy; and you handle this like an adult.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (30 May 2018):
 You sound like a very caring and trusting person. I hope he is worthy of you. If it turns out he is not, then that will be HIS loss.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 May 2018):
 Well, all you can do is trust and hope he is worthy of that trust.
And yes, meeting an ex can bring the past to the surface but it might also show him how much better a fit you and he is.
I think it was good that you told him you are a bit uncomfortable with it, but that you also think he is worthy of your trust.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): I think the issue here is trust. You don't him to not have feelings to rekindle their romance. Or you feel you cant manage your jealousy. but you cant control his every move. what happens if he bumps into a beautiful co worker for cofee at work? Or meets up with a hot friend from college? or has a great conversation with a gorgeous family friend at a bbq. if he strays there is nothing you can do to prevent it so you have to believe in trust and dont let your girlfriend put doubts in your mind. They finished it for a reason so maybe they are seeking closure. I think you have the right to speak your mind and tell him this problem you have written here. Honesty is very important and Im sure he will understand so let him know and then leave the decision with him as otherwise it will stress you out for weeks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): I think the issue here is trust. You don't him to not have feelings to rekindle their romance. Or you feel you cant manage your jealousy. but you cant control his every move. what happens if he bumps into a beautiful co worker for cofee at work? Or meets up with a hot friend from college? or has a great conversation with a gorgeous family friend at a bbq. if he strays there is nothing you can do to prevent it so you have to believe in trust and dont let your girlfriend put doubts in your mind. They finished it for a reason so maybe they are seeking closure. I think you have the right to speak your mind and tell him this problem you have written here. Honesty is very important and Im sure he will understand so let him know and then leave the decision with him as otherwise it will stress you out for weeks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): At the end of the day if you ask different people you are going to get different answers. He was honest enough to ask you and you trusted YOUR gut in that you could trust him.It sounds like he wants closure through feeling guilty, i am assuming he split up with her...If both people wanted to make another go of the relationship i don't think meeting this way would make a jot of difference, they would make the effort to be together. So it all boils down to trust here and now the ball is rolling for them to meet that is all you can do.Maybe the meeting will not even go ahead, one or the other may decide it is pointless. But you said yes going by what you felt was right and how you feel about your relationship.I hope it doesn't backfire and honestly i sway more to the side that it won't, they are exes for a reason.Take care and hope it all works out well for you
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 May 2018):
 I'm surprised that he even felt the need to ask you!
I don't think you can see what's going on here but either way you'll end up being the bad guy. If you say yes and he goes and then comes and tells you whatever they "caught up" about and you feel uncomfortable, then he'll say, "hey I asked you and you said yes so why are you blaming me now?" If you say no then he'll tell his ex "I asked my girlfriend if I could meet you and she said no so I can't" and that gives her a chance to roll her eyes. And of course he's going to resent being told no because if he didn't intend going then why would he have asked you in the first place?
The decent thing for him to have done was to have refused immediately when his ex asked him. I fail to understand why he's pushing the decision on you but my best bet is the two reasons that I've given you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie Thank you for your response! I said yes because I trust he wouldn't do anything inappropriate. But, meeting an ex is bound to bring back old memories, or sometimes feelings of missing what they no longer have, which I am not sure I am ready to accept. Anyhow, I told my bf that I wasn't entirely comfortable with their meeting. Turns out, it is my bf who wants to meet her, he assured me that she is seeing someone else and respects our relationship. And, that he wants to meet her because she lost a family member at the time of their breakup. He believes it would relieve some guilt off his chest to meet her and make sure she is okay. Well, after all he loved her, so I told him I understood what he was feeling and that I would support him.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 May 2018):
It's your life, your choice and... honestly... your BF's choice.
While I think it's nice that he asked you, I don't feel he really HAD to ask you. Personally, I think he should have just declined without asking anyone. To me asking your partner permission with something like this shows that he isn't sure of the boundaries in the relationship. Maybe that is just me.
Since you HAVE already said yes, I think changing your mind (to please or placate your friend) would be daft.
I do agree with her though. I mean what's the point in them meeting up? Did you ask him why he wants to meet up?
Does she KNOW he is dating someone? If she does know, I still find it odd why she feels she needs to meet for coffee. However, it can be to show him that she is OVER him and the break up.
BUT what it comes down to is trust. Do you trust him? If you do, then don't worry about it.
And as long as he doesn't have an issue with YOU perhaps doing the same down the line (meeting an ex for coffee) I don't see a problem.
Though.. did you say yes to show him what a great and open-minded GF you are? Or because you don't think he would be inappropriate?
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