A
female
age
30-35,
debbymck
writes:my boyfriend's ex has told him to choose between me and her and the baby. when she was pregnant he asked to get back with her several tims and she said no and even that the kid wasn't his. when the baby was born she didn't put his name on the birth certificate. the baby is now 4 months old and she wants him back.he says he doesn't love her and that he loves me but he is frightened that she will take his son away and that he wont see him again. he started legal proceedings for a DNA test but now she wants one done privately - she swears it's his. he doesn't know what to do and nor do i. we live together in his house - i moved in with him. i really love him and know this is really difficult for him but i'm hurting too. when they were together last time he nearly had a mental breakdown because of her but he wants his son and thinks that if he is there all the time then he can look after him - it's his only child. can someone please help me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): I would advise you to hang on in there as best as you can and for him - well, stick to his guns and get a LEGALLY APPOINTED DNA test rather than a private one. Then she can't drag this on longer and longer (as if it is legally ordered that the test take place she can't keep putting out reasons about why she can't go - the Court will Order it and if it is his son and he wants joint custody/access it will look better for him and worse for her if she's constantly tried to cause problems with getting it done).Also, be there and ready to support him if the little one isn't his.As for the ex... I suspect that she is causing all this havoc as she is suddenly finding out what a crimp on her lifestyle a baby is and she's looking for someone to carry the can for her.
A
female
reader, debbymck +, writes (1 July 2008):
debbymck is verified as being by the original poster of the question thankyou for all your replies - i feel like i am going crazy and totally stressed. since this situation happened 4 months ago our relationship is strained with dwindling intimacy which is now non-existant. when they met up recently she kissed him and he pulled away. he has now told me that he told her that we had broken up and she has told ppl that they are getting back together. he txd her to say he hadn't made his mind up yet 3 days ago and there has still been no contact from her. he thinks that if he can convince her that he will get back with her IF she puts his name on the birth certificate then he can split up with her when she does . it seems that in the UK the others permission is needed to put the father on the birth certificate so they can have equal rights. i think this is a dangerous game and that it is best to sort it out while the child doesn't know any better. she keeps saying that she will meet someone else and that his son will have her new mans surname - which drives him crazy - and she knows it! again thanks for the replies they are much appreciated x
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (1 July 2008):
 Why not get the DNA test done then fight for joint custody. Would you have a problem if the child spent some time with the two of you. He should at least try to fight for more contact, and if she refuses, the courts will make sure that she does let her son see his dad. I see your in the UK, good, go to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau, or local law centre and get some better advice.
PS: NoIssues.... maybe should be renamed NoSense ;0
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A
male
reader, no_issues  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Fortunately, it's not your ex-, your pregnancy, or your kid. So all you need to do is swat his behind with a paddle until he gets his head straight and does whatever he needs to do to deal with this other woman, so that he stops afflicting you with his issues.
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A
female
reader, accused + ♥, writes (30 June 2008):
 I agree with the previous post, unless he's got something really major on his record the childs mother can't keep him from seeing the child. The whole private Dna testing is really uncalled for, considering your BF can go to the courts and request the dna test along with the paper work to pay child support. I know several women that are this way, and true enough I don't understand them either! As for your BF thinking that if he's with his child and the mother on a full time bases, this is not going to work out! He's going to resent her for all the drama she's put him thru, and in the end the child is in the middle of everything. He can still see his son, on a regular bases just tell him to do it thru the courts, that way if she starts with the whole your not going to see your son, then your BF has a COURT ORDERED LEG TO STAND ON! At this time she will be the one to explain to a judge why she decided the child should not see his father.... Just keep everything he does legal and he'll be fine... Please keep me posted..
Accused
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (30 June 2008):
 Unless he's a drug addict or a registered sex offender, she's not going to be able to deny him visitation rights if he's established paternity. He will have to pay child support and legal fees to get this process rolling but she won't be able to make those kinds of threats once he does. The money spent is worth it, especially if it saves he and you from mental breakdowns. I'm sure he can enlist the support of his parents, it's their grandchild. You can be supportive of him by encouraging him to do this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): And why, exactly, would she resist a legal DNA test? Only one reason that I can think of.
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A
female
reader, dangerouslove. +, writes (30 June 2008):
 You need to let your boyfriend know you are behind him 100% of the way on this. A DNA test is needed. Don't let her pin this baby on him if he's not really his! It seems kind of odd to me that when he wants her back, "it's not his" But when he doesn't want her back, it's all of a sudden his? If the baby really is his, then I'm sure he can set up a supportive plan and recieve joint custody. He can still be with you and take on the role of being a father to his child. He doesn't need to be with his EX girlfriend to be a father, now does he? If the baby isn't his, then you and your boyfriend can move on with your life, and maybe consider having a child of your own? Just learn to relax and stay strong through this whole process.
Tell your boyfriend you still want to be with him even if the baby is his or isn't, I sure hope he feels the same.
Good luck
Keep me updated.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 June 2008):
 If he is really done with her the thing to do is probably go through with the legal steps involved with establishing paternity (with all that involves, including the continuing obligation to support the child) and establish an ongoing right to visitation with his child. In most jurisdictions this can be done through normal legal processes. He should probably seek legal advice and proceed accordingly.
You'll need to make it crystal clear to him that you are 100% supportive of him in this, and are willing to do whatever it takes to help him. He's really torn up about the issue of his child, and needs to know he has someone on his side. Be there for him ... it's going to be a long war.
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