A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Yin and Yang,I have been with my partner for 3 years. The first two were very happy - I was at uni and he only worked weekends (he was a dancer), so we had a good amount of time together and even though I worked a lot, we had enough energy for each other. After 2 years, his rent got hiked up, so I suggested moving in with me and my brother, as we were always together anyway and it would save money.Then he turned 30 and wanted to quit dancing, but struggled to get a job without many qualifications or experience. He got very depressed, but I managed to find him a job making models, a hobby of his, so he was quite happy but didn't like not being self-employed anymore. Him and a friend decided they wanted to start their own business and I said I would support him however I could, mainly financially. After a really tough year of taking on the role of breadwinner and housewife whilst he was busy working all the time, the business is doing really well. However, my partner has just been offered a contract nearly 100 miles and at least a 2 hour journey away and took it without speaking to me, telling me 2 days before he had a house viewing that he was likely to be moving out.My partner does have a much more selfish attitude than I do - his parents were always unsupportive of his dancing career and I think that coupled with being self-employed makes him very independent and focused on what he is doing, he can be completely blinkered when he is working on something and not notice anything going on around him. He can also be incredibly lazy and if he doesn't need to or have to do something, he won't do it. I've always tried to be understanding; doing all the housework when he needs to work, all the cooking, putting up with his tiredness and mood swings, his lack of libido, lack of affection, lack of time spent together - as well as helping with the business whenever he needs it.But this time it's really made me feel undervalued and unappreciated. He promises that it will be better for us, as the time we spend together will be more special and now he won't be working from home the line between home and work won't be so blurred anymore but I'm not so sure, I feel like he's just saying that to pacify me. I think he will end up staying there all the time because at the end of the working day, travelling 2 hours to come and see me won't be a priority and big projects will mean he could stay there for weeks at a time. I'm also worried that now two of his best friends are working with him and living with him he'll have more fun there and decide he doesn't want to be with me at all.I can see it from his perspective - he's 7 years older than me and now nearly 32, so he wants the stability the business has to offer, he has to take the contract because it's really important and it's his baby and as much as it's hard work, he's really happy and proud of it. I also see why he'd want to stay with me, I do so much for him and he benefits hugely from our relationship emotionally, physically and financially thanks to my support, housework and him not having to worry about money when we were living together. If I ever want us to do something together, I never have a problem when he says no and if he says yes I never expect him to pay - so he's done far more fun cultural things since we've been together - I've even paid for holidays!From my perspective, he's a genuinely lovely guy - he's smart, funny, ambitious, driven. He can be very kind and generous, he would never cheat on me. He's also just an emotional rock and I think we suit each other well because of that - I have huge emotional baggage because of my past and quite a demanding job and family and he is very stable and consistent, which I think I was missing in my life. I, on the other hand, am very good at looking after him physically.He insists he loves me and that he still wants to be with me, but his lack of effort and attention says otherwise. I've tried to talk to him about everything but he just shuts down and refuses to talk. I'm really not a high-maintenance or demanding girlfriend, but I'm starting to wonder if he's worth me hanging around for just because he says he loves me and things will get better. His business has just become so all-encompassing that I feel worthless and used - as much as I want him to succeed, I can't help feeling that my happiness and eventually our relationship will be the price. I really don't know what to do - half of me thinks that we're just not right for each other and we should end it and the other wants to try it and see how it goes. I don't want to be taken for granted even more than I already was in the hope it will eventually be like it was the first two years we were together.I think in my head we're already over, his behaviour has just killed a lot of the passion in our relationship already. I'd really appreciate any advice as to what I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): Honeypie is absolutely right.
You've been like a "starter wife" and also like a second Mum for this incredibly selfish person, who is determined to make the world work around him, rather than put himself in any stressful situation for far too long.
From the start, he's been out for No. 1 - him. He is not the kind of man who can think in terms of a team of two and what BOTH of you need.
In future, when he is more established, has more money, is happier in himself and LEARNS that he has to give back to a woman equally, then he MAY naturally develop into more of a fair person.
BUT I doubt this will be with you. The big, long term message he's received from you is something like "I am here to help you to find your way in the world and to make it a hell of a lot easier for you".
He will and is already moving on.
And you will have the pain of seeing another woman walk away with the results of all your hard work.
What happened to the money you gave him to help him out?
Send him packing, quicker than he thought. Boot him out and take a good look at yourself and your own insecurities - you've paid a VERY high price just to make sure that someone doesn't leave you. Whilst you've been caring for him, it's also been a way of having some control over a weak person who can't face the world alone.
You need to stand up on your own two feet now, and take some time out to look at yourself before finding someone who is naturally going to treat you as equal and knows about give and take.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 April 2015):
 Let him go. Let him move out.
I actually think HIM being on his own a bit could do him good. You have been more like a parent than a partner for him for a couple of years and all he DID was basically take advantage.
His life is ALL about him, YOUR life (at least for the last 2 years) have been ALL about him. Supporting him, cheering him up, HELPING him find a job and career, CATERING to him, cleaning up after him...... NO wonder he is this selfish.
He has given you some stability you say, but you have given him NO less.
He might decide that he doesn't want to be with you after he moves out, but that could have happened even if he had stayed.
He MIGHT realize JUST how much you have done for him, but that doesn't mean he will keep loving you.
As I see you two, you are the "starter "wife" the one who gave him ALL the support, help and love he NEEDED to get himself going - and now that he has gotten an opportunity - YOU are not longer "needed".
You can't MAKE him stay, you CAN'T make him less selfish.
NEXT time you find yourself a BF, DO NOT be a "mom" in the relationship (at least NOT to your partner). Don't become a satellite who ORBITS a guy. Don't pour EVERYTHING into a guy until HE has shown that he want to pour everything into you TWO together.
I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): HiFirst of all, don't make any more excuses for his behaviour. You sound as if you have done so much for him and you got repaid with two days notice that he's looking for somewhere else to live? What does that tell you? Sit and really think about this. Why did he not talk to you about maybe leaving? Why did he set up an appointment to view somewhere else to live without telling you? And when you try and talk to him, he closes up and won't discuss anything. If he really wanted this to carry on, for reasons other than his own gain, then he would be talking about ways to make this work.You said you can see why he would want to stay with you and then list all the things you've done for him as the reasons. Not the fact that he loves you, can't live without you, wants to repay you for all the things you've done for him.You say you've put up with lack of affection, lack of sex, lack of help with anything. He's basically very selfish and although you may have a great time together sometimes, this latest turn of events, have shown you just how unimportant you are to him.Sorry to be harsh, but I think you know this already which is why you've had enough. And who on earth could blame you? Guard against your need to help and support in such an extreme fashion next time. You have practically sacrificed yourself to someone totally undeserving. He probably couldn't believe his luck. There is a distinction between help and support and being a doormat and I'm sorry to say, it sounds as if you crossed the line. A need to please and be needed is with most of us, but this sounds too much from you. Maybe you have a problem with standing up for what you need/want? Maybe some counselling would be a good idea to help you understand why and to gain a little perspective.Hope this has helped and I hope it doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it to be. Good riddance to him, honestly. You could certainly do better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): D-U-M-P him. Like,seriously. Dump his sorry ass and let him go have his "career".I hope his "career" and his "baby" will help him feel warm at heart, 30 years from now...Meanwhile, work on finding someone who is interested in a genuine relationship and not in a mummy-figure.Also think (self-improvement): why did you take on the mummy-dearest role? What were you trying to prove? To whom? Childhood etc. related in any way? Are you very maternal by nature? If so-limit that in the future. You want to be his GF/WIFE, NOT his mother.
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