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My boyfriend won't tell anyone that I'm a part of his life and I feel like a dirty secret

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 April 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 April 2019)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My Boyfriend refuses to tell anyone about me he claims he is private . He won't even tell his parents about me claims he is fighting with his Mother... yet she text him every day he visits her at Christmas and she just sent him flowers. This has been going on for over a year now.we have been together for almost 2 years. I am mostly upset he dosen't tell his family about me.. it does bother me that his work friends don't know and he hangs out with them and I don't get an invite but I know he is not cheating or anything he spends most all his free time with me. But I think he should tell his parents he is at least seeing me. I recently looked up his Mom on social media... to my surprise she is friends with all his exes and they even go out drinking and clubbing together. This really hurt me. One of the women his Mom is friends with he slept with it was before me but she will be at his familys house for holidays and I'm not invited. I'm just tired of being a secret. Am I over reacting he says all I care about is what other people think that he wants me .. but in the same sentence he says he dosen't love me but may one day and dosen't want to break up. He is in the Military and going over seas for a year and wants me to wait for him but Can't even say I love you . Why should I wait for someone who dosen't love me I asked him ? He said because he wants me.. My family hates him because im so depressed... What should I do ? Has anybody else had a man that was perfect in every way but said he didn't love you ? I don't feel he really wants me long term if he can't tell people about me. Thanks for reading or any input.

View related questions: christmas, clubbing, depressed, flowers, his ex, I love you, military, text

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 April 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHow exactly is he "perfect"? Am I missing something?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (9 April 2019):

N91 agony auntWhy are you wasting your time? Seriously, give us one good reason.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2019):

Why would you wait around for someone to "decide" they love you, after you've been together for two years?

How could you tolerate being kept a secret from his family for any possible reason?

From what you're explaining, he's using you. Somehow you're furnishing this guy something he's not getting from other women; but at the same time, he doesn't want you to feel you have any hold or control over his comings and goings. You don't have access into his world, but all his exes do???

Uhm...what's wrong with this whole picture? Why do you need to come to DC to figure it out?

He sees your commitment as merely loyalty, based on you caring for him; but he doesn't reciprocate. If push comes to shove, he can just be deployed somewhere; and just forget you ever existed. You don't know his family; so you can't seek their help in finding him.

He can't say he loves you, because he doesn't. Everyone else has already said enough. There is nothing more that I can add.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntYou have been with him for 2 years and you are still a secret?

Well, I guess it could be 1 or 2 of SEVERAL reasons.

1. He wants to keep you to himself because his MOM treats the women he HAS introduced as HER personal playmates. I mean seriously, she goes "clubbing" with his ex? Yikes! He probably have a rather messed up and complicated relationship with his mom. Which is rarely a good thing in a partner. Unfortunately.

2. He doesn't really LOVE you (as he has TOLD you) but want to keep you as an OPTION and want to KEEP you around for sex.

NEITHER are great reasons.

I'm sorry, OP if someone told ME that they didn't LOVE me but wanted me to stick around WAITING for them to MAYBE, PERHAPS, someday like me/love me... I'd be out the there. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't WAIT around to him to "grow" feelings for me all magically. Because I don't think that happens. I think it's UNREALISTIC.

Either SOMEONE wants to BE with you, is PROUD of dating you, want to share his LOVE for you with the World or...

HE IS JUST using you until he finds "better".

Seriously, a PAST sexual partner can come spend the holidays with HIM and his family, but you HIS GF, aren't welcome? Yeah, that's not OK.

Let me ask you this, OP.... WOULD you do THIS to a man you were seeing? Keeping him hidden? Telling him that you don't really love him but you might in time?

Would you?

If not, WHY do you allow a man to treat you THAT way?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019):

SIDE CHICK is exactly what you are, OP! I know it's hard because we women tend to become emotionally attached to a guy after regular sex/companionship. Few women can handle hook up's without long term commitment or an ILY. He's a selfish jackass. Let him go away for a year but use that time as your opportunity to move on and find a REAL man. I will betcha a million bucks this loser is a MARRIED man (or gf) who wants some strange on the side!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019):

I am so sorry but...You are the side girl.You are being used for only one thing..sex. Do not wait for him it would be a waste of your time. He would show you off if he was in a relationship.You can not meet his family and friends.Yup side girl.

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