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My boyfriend wont take responsibility for his actions!

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi all. When my boyfriend has had too much to drink he can be very argumentative, he misunderstands things I say. Last week he asked a stupid question and I gave a stupid answer, he got angry, when I tried to explain he said he never said that. Then he hung up phone, sent a nasty message, I didn't reply. But I hardly slept I was so upset and when I told him on phone next morning he said I shouldn't get started with argument in the morning it spoils his day. He doesn't take responsibility for what he's done. He says that he is everbody's mentor and leader at work, I just don't see that from my point of view. Thanks.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia + , writes (30 June 2014):

Caring Aunty A agony auntHe may well be a good mentor and leader at work, but that has nothing to do with home life and how he performers in his relationship. He may well hide his obnoxious drinking behaviour from staff and be the good guy, but not from his girlfriend!? His cover is exposed and you wear the brunt of his behaviour!?

I always found you never reason with a – drunk, child or an idiot as they’re incapable of reasoning with due to intoxication, immaturity and stupidity. The more you try to reason the more you lose. I later learnt to switch off, take control and agree… stupid is as stupid does.

Your boyfriend is the first of the three… and sure enough it is upsetting to be spoken to uncivilly, be sent a nasty text and want him to be accountable… You confronted him the next day, good for you! However he’ll never be accountable or of mind to set him-self right if alcohol is his vice. Here he upholds bravado, to keep his ego intact by saying how much of a leader he is at work etc. but in real life he couldn’t lead an apology for his actions.

In this case you’ll have to be the one to take responsibility for your actions whether to stay or leave the relationship. Next time he asks a stupid question, you know, and as tempting as it is to reply with a stupid answer I would suggest you say nothing.

Here you have noticed how this type of person can rob you of your sleep whilst they sleep like babes, oblivious and guilt free of their anger… Don’t spoil his day indeed!?

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 June 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou still must hold him accountable.

Since you say "when my boyfriend has had too much to drink"

I'm going to assume he drinks frequently enough that this was not a one time thing.

My advice as the wife of an active alcoholic is to not bother to try to hold him responsible as nothing you say wil matter.

he's drunk when this happens and he sleeps just fine and is not bothered at all by your pain real or imagined.

I strongly encourage you to consider ending this relationship if he continues to drink excessively.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

I absolutely agree with the previous poster. It makes NO SENSE to talk to someone who isdrunk, they probably aren't going to remember it anyway. Tell him that you will talk when he is sober, hang up, and text him with what you said. I'm sure he'll blow up your phone, and interrupt your texting, but do it anyway. You may have to shut down your phone (unfair to you) for awhile, but so be it. OR, temporarily block his number until the next morning. When you do talk to him, tell him again to read the text message and tell him that he was drunk and that you will only talk to him when he is sober. If he tries to pull the "don't start and argument in the morning it ruins my day" card, don't let him. Tell him you are not starting anything, you are stating a fact: he was drunk and youw ill not talk to people who are drunk. Period. good luck to you. And if this continues, let him know that if he keeps getting drunk, you will not talk to him at all because you will not and cannot tolerate it no matter how good it is when he is sober.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

When alcohol becomes a problem in a relationship; you have to make your partner aware that they are on notice until they seek help with that problem.

Do not accept abuse under the influence of alcohol. Take a stance that you will no longer tolerate being mistreated when he is drunk. Under those circumstances, put yourself first.

Use common-sense. Don't engage in a call or an argument with a person who is drunk. End the conversation, or don't respond to their messages. I don't care how angry they get, deal with them only when sober. It doesn't make any sense to fight over the phone(or in-person) with someone who is intoxicated. It doesn't make you much smarter than the drunk. Tell him you'll talk when he's sober. They won't care or remember half of what they've said to you. That will also be their excuse. Trading insults, is only asking for more abuse. So end it right at the beginning. One insult, hangup, or leave. If he's at your house, call a cab or have a friend come get him. Don't let him drive.

Time to offer him an ultimatum. Seek help with his drinking, treat you with respect, or hand him his walking papers. Don't seek advice if you aren't going to use it.

You don't have to put up with this bullsh*t, and you can't use "love" as an excuse for allowing it; and for not walking away from it. Love does not demand that people allow themselves to be subjected to violence, verbal-abused, bullied, or disrespected.

You're complaining; because he doesn't admit to his mistakes, and doesn't give a sh*t how you feel about it. That is because there are no consequences. You complain, but take no direct and sensible steps to resolve the issue. You plead for him to be remorseful and apologize. Well, he hasn't, and he won't. Now what? Did you commit your time and feelings in exchange for this?

You're not receiving love when he is mean or nasty to you. You're getting the opposite. So don't use love as an excuse for sticking around to take it, or putting up with it.

You allow it in avoidance of being alone, and facing the discomfort of a breakup; while enduring extreme conditions where your partner inflicts or induces psychological or physical pain. So it continues while you feel helpless and this is your only alternative.

If your partner makes no effort to resolve problems in a relationship, then you let that partner go. You have a lot of power in your hands. So use it. The worst that could happen; is you'll end up happy and free of his crap. You might even find someone much better than he is. Imagine that possibility! Marvelous isn't it?!

Unlike husbands, boyfriends are dispensable; and less expensive to discard and replace. Time to use your lady-power. Stand-up or shut-up! Your choice,girlfriend!

If he won't take responsibility for his actions; then you take responsibility for your feelings, and how you're treated. Demand he get help, or dump him.

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