A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last night my boyfriend told me that he had a super nice dinner with a co-worker/friend because they were leaving. He then told me how the waiter thought they were engaged and he laughed and told me how he said no.Wait what? The friend was a girl. And they went alone.My boyfriend is an honest guy and told me this straight up. However, it upset me and I told him. After telling him how I get jealous and scared when it comes to these things after what an ex did to me (cheated on me, and it hurt very badly), he told me he would never do anything like that.Today I was quite down from it. Actually, very anxious. Just flashbacks of how I felt when my ex cheated on me. It was two years ago but it still hurts my heart. He spent all day today with me making sure I was alright. I felt better...But it still bugs me a bit. It makes me want to go to a solo-dinner with one of my male friends and see how he reacts to it. I'm just curious on if it's just me that feels this way or if he honestly thinks solo-dinner with the opposite sex is fine...Is it fine? Should I lighten up?
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cheated on me, co-worker, engaged, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (19 September 2014):
This brings back pretty bad memories for me. If your relationship is serious, I think it would have been OK if you had gone along or least mentioned beforehand that it was a special occasion. I don't buy that he should routinely do this as my ex did. He insisted on having lunches AND dinners with former co-workers (ALL attractive single women that he considered friends). This would be for his birthday, their birthdays or just because. Not only this, but he would send them gifts, flowers, whatever. I think this behavior is what you should be looking out for and perhaps not just the one single isolated incident that you mentioned. I don't think that when it gets to this extent, that it would be considered insecurity.....I would consider putting up with this a lack of self-esteem. I respect myself much more these days to put up with that behavior. Be careful but time will tell.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): Having dinner with a female co worker would overstep the line for most female friends of mine, me included.
Would he be happy if a guy you know took you out for dinner and you told him the waiter thought you were both committed. No I don't think so. Ex who cheated or no ex who cheated is beside the point.
Tell him how you feel and that it didn't feel right. Coffee maybe or lunch if ok'd with you beforehand but dinner "No way José!"
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2014):
 I am a bisexual woman. If i have dinner with a girlfriend is that as bad as if I had dinner with a guy?
for all you know this woman is a lesbian!
she was a coworker and is a casual friend and you are way over-reacting.
jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity and you cannot treat your new boyfriend like your ex. He is not your ex.
if you trust him, then trust him. if you feel so jealous that it affects your daily life, find a good therapist to work with to get over the insecurity and learn to trust a man that has clearly earned it. He was open and honest with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): What TrancedRythmEar said. He is totally right. I have always heard that when a guy talks to you about other girls, it is usually to try to make you jealous. To see how much you like him. And it is usually either to see how serious you are about him or to watch you squirm. It's the one's he doesn't tell you about that you need to worry about. If there were something to hide he would have not told you anything. You wouldn't even know this co worker exists.I think he is trying to make you jealous. Why? Probably because he feels insecure about you. He wants a reaction from you. He wants you to feel anxious and worried. Don't give him what he wants. I would give him the opposite of what he wants as payback for such a childish tactic to get attention from you. If it were me I would back off and let him figure out a better tactic to try to get my attention.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): Definitely lighten up in the sense that you wanting to have a solo dinner with another man as a kind of test/revenge thing is a very extreme reaction and you know it.
Not only would your intentions be awful, (trying to make him feel as badly as jealousy has made you feel) but the best reaction from him, the one that says he trusts you and is not possessive, would to you be a failure of your test and make things worse for you.
If you're genuinely curious as to how he feels about solo dinners with the opposite sex then there's a way of finding out without playing games, you ask.
OP he told you up front. Did your ex do that? Was he honest about his interactions with the opposite sex?
This guy is not your ex, he doesn't deserve to be punished or tested for what your ex did. You have every right to be cautious, you know how hard it is to deal with but there's no need to play passive/aggressive games.
Just be honest with him about how it made you feel and the emotions that it stirred up in you but try and come to terms with the idea of him interacting with other women means nothing first, because if you make that an uncomfortable thing for him he may end up getting into a habit of not telling you because it'll hurt your feelings.
With freedom comes openness. This relationship is your chance to move forward from the pain you've suffered in the past, it's time to let that go don't you think?
Fresh relationship; fresh start. We're not all cheaters, OP, I've never done it and I'm mid-30's. There is no situation in life where I will ever want to cheat nor will I ever do it. I know for certain that "you just never know" doesn't apply to me when it comes to cheating.
Nothing bad has happened here, it's okay to be uncomfortable with it and you can't help how you feel. But you can help your actions and how you deal with this so make the right choices. Games are never the right choice.
You need to protect this relationship from those feelings, not let them define it.
So choose to deal with this and start letting go of the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): In my opinion, dinner with a co worker of the opposite sex is off limits, unless they are both single. I would not be happy for my partner to do that, and I would not do it... not in any circumstance unless we were both single, AND I was interested in them. I would suggest you ask your bf if he is ok with you going out to dinner with a male co-worker, and leave it at that. If he says he is ok with it, then say.... good, I will. If he says he is not ok with it, then ask him why he did? Start deciding and making the boundaries of your relationship that works for you both.
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A
female
reader, Vianneeey  +, writes (18 September 2014):
Agree with all other answers, your bf is not your ex.
I'm confused for the fact that you said your bf is honest and a straight up guy, but you get jealous. Like, what?
Jealousy is a visible sign of insecurity. The reason why you're jealous is because you're scared you're not good enough for him & he will choose other girl. You try to get back at him, so he will feel your pain and stop hanging out with other girls. But what it backfires? Your bf will think that it's allowed to have solo dinners with other girls, since you're doing it too.
If it bugs you, just tell him that you're not comfortable of him hanging out with girl one-on-one.
But most importantly, you have to work on your trust issue & self worth.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 If hes mature hes testing you to see how serious you are by how jealous you get which is good. Or if hes a serious a$$hole hes probably messing with your head and manipulating your emotions. Some men enjoy watching women get angry. Its sick. Use your best judgment.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2014):
 What honeypie said. Never hold something against someone for something someone else did. Your ex cheated on you. He is not your ex. It's time to remember that. It's not fair to compare him to someone else.
I think it would be childish to get back at him. I do, however, think his comment about being engaged is tacky. I would not like this. But I wouldn't try to punish him over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): It is a bit intimate. Lunch is one thing....dinner is different. Just my opinion. I think the weirdest thing is that he thinks it's ok to mention to you about the waiter thinking they were engaged. Why would someone think that about them? Why would he feel the need to tell you. It's like he is mocking your relationship. He should have been embarrassed and realised if someone thought they were engaged there was something wrong with the situation. A blatant Co workers meal out is just that. There are some fuzzy boundaries and you need to decide what is acceptable and what isn't. Stick to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 September 2014):
 I don't see that a dinner with a co-worker of the opposite gender means cheating automatically.
Going out to dinner with a friend (male OR female) should not be such a big deal.
YOU BF is NOt your ex, and quite frankly it's petty and unfair to put your insecurities of another man onto this new guy. You basically want to control him in hopes he won't cheat. You may not MEAN to do this, but that is how it looks.
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A
female
reader, jstar92  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 It sounds fine to me but it depends on who you are, I know there are people out there who could never imagine such a thing between friends, those who say "men and women can't be friends" and crap like that.Look, he was honest about it to you as well wasn't he? It doesn't sound like he was trying to make you jealous or hurt your feelings on purpose, is he the type to do that? Only you can answer that. If he thought in his head that it was wrong then he probably wouldn't have told you about it in the first place. Plus he considered your feelings once you confronted him and was apologetic towards you.IMO men and women can go on platonic dinner dates, just as men and men or women and women can. I would steer away from the idea of 'getting back' at him because I think it would just cause something bad that really has no place in your relationship.I know finding trust again is hard, but when you come out of that relationship and into the next you have to take the risk and trust again and learn from your past. Sounds like your boyfriend is just a stand-up guy. I wouldn't worry about it.
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