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My boyfriend wants to watch me with another man - healthy and normal??

Tagged as: Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 April 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 16 July 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. We have always been very sexually active and comfortable with speaking openly about what we want in the bedroom. About 2 months ago, during phone sex, he brought up how he wanted to watch me have sex and go down on another man. At first I thought he was kidding. As time went on, he brought this "scenario" up more often. We talked more about it and he seriously wants to watch me do this like a porn star. He wants to get himself off while watching me. When I am finished with the man, he wants to "finish me off". When I ask him why he wants this so much, he tells me that I am the best he has ever had, I am great in bed and gorgeous and he wants to see me do what he loves so much on another man. He says it would be the ultimate turn on. He even wants it to be one of his friends, we can pick together.

Personally, I consider myself sexually open with the one that I love. I enjoy sex and all aspects of it. I am also curious and adventerous, but this is definitely new to me and I cannot figure out if this is healthy and or if he truly loves and wants to marry me like he says. Call me old school but I always believed if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't stand for the idea of your significant other with another partner.

Please help...any advice is GREATLY appreciated!

View related questions: phone sex, porn

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A female reader, Eyeson United States +, writes (16 July 2014):

I've been dating my bf for a little over a year now. He wants to marry me and talks about our future together all the time. We are in a very loving and healthy relationship. Only a couple months into the relationship he opened up to me saying he fantasized about me being with other men and we often play around with it in bed, role play and he even has me talk about what I've done in the past with other men. I have to admit in the beginning of us dating, I felt it wasn't love if be was willing to share me and watch. I of course communicated all of this to him. He immediately felt awful, said that he has never loved any woman as much as he's loved me. That it's merely a fantasy he feels comfortable enough to share with me but will never really want it to actually happen. We play around with the idea, me teasing other men even, in bed we talk dirty and bring up details but never actually acted on it. He said he has no desire to actually do it but says it's completely healthy to play out our fantasies on each other, which I agree with. Nothing wrong with that. I still have some insecurities from it because it makes me feel like a., one day he may want to, b., maybe it's his introduction to hopefully having a group sex scenario where he would be with another woman,. Or c., he and I will not last since the love in the relationship started with lust. These are all insecurities I've communicated with him. I don't doubt his love for me. He has done so much for me and continues to do so, and is the most loving considerate man I have ever been with. I guess I can relate to your questions and concerns as I have them too. In the beginning of our relationship, I've even teased him with the idea pretending I would actually do it but knowing I really wouldn't and he was actually in a bit of shock that I would. So that made me realize more that he merely likes to just play with the thought. It makes the sex that much hotter and spices things up. I've learned and still am learning that love comes in all measures. But because he fantasizes about sharing you to other men does not mean he doesn't love you, and also doesn't mean he would actually do it either.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

1) Don't marry this guy

2) Don't fall for this trap it will end your relationship. These things rarely work out well. UNLESS you are both totally cool with it and plan on making this a lifestyle that you BOTH choose. If that is your choice don't have children and bring them into the mix.

You are an adult woman with a good head on your shoulders. You know what's right and wrong and what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable. No one is worth compromising your values over.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

A male perspective: your boyfriend is not abnormal. This is one of my fantasies as well, and I would guess that many men would admit to having similar desires.

If you are curious about why watching you have sex turns him on, just ask him. But remember, having a desire and acting it out are two different things.

It may be possible to act out this fantasy in other ways, like roleplay. However my gut tells me that your boyfriend has made up his mind. He wants you to have sex with another man.

Now you need to make up your mind. It seems like you are a little bit confused and perhaps a little weirded out by his request. But it also seems like you are curious and you also describe yourself as "sexually open". Forget your bf for a minute and ask yourself: would you like to have sex with other men and under what conditions? Do you know if he is comfortable with you having sex when he is not present?

And remember, your boyfriend will be giving another man/men license to penetrate you, and watching it. For a guy this is kind of like jumping out of an airplane with your d**k in your hand. It's a rush, but it could have emotional consequences.

If you do decide to do this remember to set boundaries and communicate. And make it about your pleasure.

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A male reader, Music Man  United States +, writes (24 April 2008):

even I know that's just not love... Guys who love their women would ache from the depths of their souls at just the thought. but apparently there are some who are into this and in love but if its not for you, neither is he. sorry if it's harsh. Plus ask any guy the trouble sex can get them into, we don't see the consequences till its too late sometimes, he may want this to get off and hate you for doing it when it's over. I have a friend who had a 3some with his girl and her friend and became paranoid and jealous whenever she was out with the friend, and eventually dumped her because he was insecure from something he asked her to do.

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A female reader, bfly36 United States +, writes (24 April 2008):

bfly36 agony auntDont do something like this to please a man or u will not feel good about it afterwards, he may also turn it around on you, u never know, i think i could understand it more if it were a woman he wanted to see u with. People r very open sexually now but it does not make ir right and it does not take away from the consequences that can happen after. And if he asks u this now what is next???

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A male reader, princeofsorrow United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

princeofsorrow agony auntChauvinist. Sorry.

First of all you should NOT marry him. If he wants to watch his apparant love have sex with his friend, then I'm sorry but he has no respect for you. Think about it! He wants to see you doing it like a porn star!

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (22 April 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

I dont think this is as major an issue as some would think as it is quite a common male fantasy. However there are certain things which raise red flags. For one, you have only been together for 6 months and he is already thinking of this. You should still be in the honeymoon phase bonking each others brains out not talking about sharing. Two, for most guys its a fantasy and most of us would never go through with it as the complications are too many to comtemplate.

So while its good you are both very open minded, I think you need to step back and say whoaa boy!! It sounds like he is trying to live out a fantasy he's seen on the web where so called "husbands" watch their "wives" being seduced by a stranger.

I would tell him no. It's just a little disrepectful to you.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (22 April 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI'm with Heidi Heart. I think you deserve better.

I agree with you, poster. Maybe I'm old school too, but I believe that you don't want to see a person you love making love to a third person. If most people liked that, cheating would not be the problem it is.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

I often fantasize about my wife being penetrated by another man and satisfying him orally. It stays a fantasy though, because previous experience has proven that once the excitement is over, the jealous factor comes up. Did she like him better, am I doing it as good, you seemed to really have a big climax with him, are you looking for someone else now to do it with... you get the picture. Just have her act out what she would do with another man - just be the other man. Set up a video and dont show your face, have her talk about her husband watching...then you get to watch it over and over WITHOUT the guilt trip!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

I can understand where he is coming from, i have had feelings like this too, its great to be open, but i think that the girl i truly loved would want to do that then i would be very hurt.

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A female reader, vsnod United States +, writes (22 April 2008):

vsnod agony auntI think your open communication with each other is great. But if you are uncomfortable with the scenario then you should not do it. I am with you on this, It's fun to be adventurous with my boyfriend, but I wouldn't want to involve a 3rd person. Also, wouldn't having one of his friends be involved make that relationship uncomfortable afterwards?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

Talk about a wake-up call! Honey, he just told you what he thinks about you with his own mouth... He wants to "watch" you get f***ed by another man. He clearly thinks no better of you than the porn stars he gets off to on his computer. You're better than that, honey. You don't need to stick around this objectifying male-shovenist womanizing pig! Dump him and find someone who will treat you like a lady, or at least will value you as a person, and not as some sex object to fulfill his own selfish desires.

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